Mad to consider 3rd child?

[SleeplessInSuburbs]

I know it is very personal but I’m intrigued to hear other peoples’ experiences. I have one DS 5 and DD 1. Have bigger age gap than I would have liked due to circumstances. However, it’s been lovely so far. DS adores the baby and I’ve loved adding to our family. Thought I would but did not feel ‘done’ during DD pregnancy, nor when she was newborn and the question of a third keeps lingering. I’m going back and forth.

pros-
-like the idea of a bigger family. Is this just a romantic notion??
-the chance to do it all again! I have my moments but I do love parenting as does husband
-an extra sibling for Ds and Dd
-have the space and finances, fortunately
-perhaps have siblings closer in age if I had a third

cons-
-I’m 34 going on 35. Would be 36 if had a third at least. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that at all but personally I was more knackered in pregnancy at 33 than at 29 and imagined I would be done with the baby phase of life by 35.
-would have a toddler and baby which have not experienced before. Is it seriously tough? And with older child in the mix.. activities etc and clubs, school run
-Would I be robbing my children of my time and attention or would they benefit from the extra sibling to balance this out
am SAHM and a third would delay getting back into a career
-had v mild prolapse after second birth. Fine now but would a third wreak more havoc

so appreciate your experiences if you have had three or stuck with 2- tell me your stories! 🥰

Like you say it's all very individual. I've only 2 so can't really advise. Had my first at 34 & second at 36. At around 38/39 I started the longing for a 3rd. I had always wanted 3 but felt done after my second, until a couple of years later when it really came on me! Anyhow, I was having very irregular periods at the time & went to discuss it with my gp, turned out I was in premature peri menopause which would have made trying for no 3 quite tricky (was a long time trying for my first 2 & with irregular periods would have been harder).
After a lot of back & forth & taking my own health issues into account, we decided we wouldn't try.

I'm 44 now & the kids are 10 & 7. I now can't imagine also having a 4 year old , but my youngest has additional needs (which we didn't know about when thinking about no 3). Life is crazy enough with just the 2.

But you are still very young & time is on your side, if you really feel the longing & can afford it etc, why not give it a try. Start taking your folic acid now & think about it again in a few months!

Best of luck!

Like the previous poster I had one at 34 and one at 36. They're 5 months and 2.5 years old now. If I was just a couple years younger then I think I would like a 3rd one but I feel just a little too old for me now, especially because my youngest is still a baby so I'd be waiting at least another year to start trying.

It's a personal decision but if you have the means and space and you feel the urge then it's definitely worth considering. I don't really find it terribly difficult having a baby and a toddler (obviously there are moments) and I have them both at home full-time during my maternity leave but that really depends on yourself and your children.

I have 5 children... I was 31,33,38,40 and 42 when I had them so no, you're not too old but yes, it's an individual thing. I love having a big family, yes I'm knackered but I wouldn't change a thing... If you don't feel you're done, then there's a decision. Likely there'll be a lot of naysayers here but having a three children isn't a huge amount and the having time for all the children, for me anyway, is a bit of a myth. You make time and you can still have a 'normal' car. Three children isn't what I'd consider a big family anyway.

The reason you were more knackered with your 2nd was because you'd already been through birth and babyhood with your first! Not to do with your age.

Nobody can answer this for you! It depends what's important to you and your family really.

I'm pregnant with our third so can't comment yet on life with 3! There is 3 yrs 3 months between our two and will be about another 3 yrs between second and third. Im glad we didn't have smaller gaps, that was hard enough haha and our second has some additional physical needs too. First was out of nappies and more physically able than DC2 will be when DC3 is born and I don't know if he will be toilet trained by then either.

We don't have a high income and two of our kids will need to share quite a small bedroom eventually too. But we feel we have enough to provide a decent quality of life for us all still. We both shared bedrooms as children and had low-middle income earning DPs as children too and still had happy, comfortable enough childhoods.

I am younger than you though, I will be almost 31 when #3 is born and thats definitely our last. This is my first pregnancy to be high risk as well which has been a big shock and I'm finding it very stressful the worry about the increased potential for things to go wrong. I didn't have any of those worries with my previous two. I don't regret the pregnancy (yet?!?) but definitely couldn't put myself through rolling the dice a fourth time, just personally.

Ive also worked throughout but I may need to become a SAHM after third is here as I don't earn much so may not be feasible to pay for childcare once I have two in nursery plus some holiday cover for eldest. But I've made my peace with that if I can't avoid it.

Aw thank you. I’m sorry you had the choice taken out of your hands regarding early perimenopause. You’re totally right though, I’m sure life is hectic enough with two as they get older and that is definitely a consideration for me. I don’t want to jeopardise happiness for my two DC based on my own broodiness. Something to consider!

For my friends that have 3 they often find holidays etc a bit of a struggle as things are more aimed at 2 adults and 2 children etc. same for theme parks. It's handy to have 1 adult per child etc.

Good to hear that you found that age gap manageable! You’re right though, it does depend on your children. My oldest is a big character so if I’d had him as a toddler and a baby would have been.. intense 😂One yo is v easy going baby so totally different experience. You never know who you will get!

Yes maybe it’s that! Takes it out of you doesn’t it? 😂

Congratulations! Sorry it has been a more stressful pregnancy. Hopefully all worth it when little one arrives.

I do find the worry of pregnancy quite stressful and do worry about whether or not any health complications for me or the potential third baby would occur. Have been v lucky so far.

both of my parents are from big families and shared rooms etc with siblings. Both low income families. I know it’s a different generation but they had v happy childhoods it seems and v strong bonds with their sibling ‘gangs’ throughout their lives. Possibly something that also prompts me to try extend our family

That’s so reassuring regarding giving them all time. Any tips and tricks you learned from giving five your attention? Do you mind me asking- how did you find older ones were affected by having the constraints of babies eg nap times etc? I do worry that at 7 my eldest would be held back by having a newborn around again. But then again perhaps it keeps the family ‘young’ in a nice way ☺️

If #2 and #3 are in university at the same time, will you be happy/ have savings to be paying out 20k+ per year to support them in your mid 50s?

I'm hoping my DS will be 'launched' by then so we can get some of our finances back to enjoy ourselves with before we are properly decrepit.

Financially, make sure you think about the other end in general. Tech needed for school, big school trips, tutoring (if needed), driving lessons, cars, flat deposits, furniture etc will all kick in back to back for #2 and #3. Obviously disregard if you are minted.

@WASZPy furniture as well?! Jeez. Lots to consider. And yep, a lot to deal with mid 50s.

Anyone else been there done that with 3?

Or been tempted but stuck at 2?

I probably should have said as well, I am one of 3 myself! We didn't have a lot of money as children, e.g. no foreign holidays, younger children wore hand me downs, most weekends were spent in parks or visiting people's houses not paid for outings etc but we lived comfortably enough and were happy. As adults we are all still a very close family and all still live within walking distance of each other and our family home, in the area that we grew up in.

Every child you have means less attention for the ones already born. Also less money to help them in the future

My children now are between 12 and almost 23. I cannot lie and say it's always easy but it has been the greatest pleasure of my life seeing them together. Not to say they don't argue, they do, but I am an only child so I think I might have over compensated ... The thing about the time for each is, for me, being able to say no to my children. That there is a difference between needs and wants but they've no doubt how much they are loved, that's a constant refrain in my house. To explain that a certain child needs particular attention if a crisis is happening and the rest is just mad juggling. It's the same feeling as the worry you have about not being able to love the second child as much as the first... It just grows and grows and time and space bends to accommodate. I didn't find a big difference between two and three, certainly not as big as one to two if that's any help. It's tricky when they're teenagers but my three youngest, all boys, play cricket which helps as they are all in one place one night a week. Obvs I do a lot of running about but they're only young for such a sort time. My eldest is at Uni and has had some health problems and I needed to go to her for a few days here and there and the kids managed... Their Dad did his part but they got themselves sorted (12/13/15) because their sister needed me. I basically asked them to keep it together and help their Dad as he isn't used to coping on his own. I also have a DD 20 with Autism and that takes a lot of my daily time up and of course if you'd have asked me as a younger woman if I could have had so many children, I would have given you a firm no. I am genuinely surprised to find myself here, I didn't think I could manage a pissup in a brewery! Like I said, old and knackered but deeply proud of the small village I have created and they are all nice kind people and I am very pleased they are in the world and more importantly they have one another through the rest of their lives.

Many people couldn't do this only for one! The whole UNI costs debate often comes from a very privelidged viewpoint I'm afraid.

@SleeplessInSuburbs I see this is an old thread but wondered what you decided? I was in a similar deliberation up until a few months ago, we hadn't quite decided one way or the other but fate decided for us and I found myself pregnant at 37. Ever since finding out I've swung between feeling completely terrified and regretful (not helped by feeling constantly nauseous and exhausted) and feeling like maybe it will all be ok/we will manage. We seriously considered termination but couldn't decide and then it went past the point where we felt comfortable terminating. From your post, you sound like a very sensible, organised and considered person and I think I had your salaries + ability to WFH then I would feel a lot more confident about it. But after turning the whole issue over a million times we decided our family could be happy either way, just in different ways. Our careers (and sleep!) will take a hit, but we will have the joy of a third baby. Our kids will have to share a bedroom, there will be less money and parental time to share round, but they will have the fun and closeness of another sibling. Hopefully that's an ok tradeoff, who knows. I hope you were able to come to a happy decision about it in the end.

I don't really think theres much of a difference between 33 & 36 tbh. You don't suddenly go downhill on your 35th birthday

Interesting to read this post as you are in a very similar situation to me.
I have two children and am 37 debating whether to go for a 3rd.DH and i are so on the fence but the decision tortures me constantly.There are lots of pros including finances and the shared bedroom thing amongst many others, so it's more unlikely than likely that we will be able to have another but feels so hard to 100% rule it out as I worry I will regret or resent the decision in future.
Congratulations on your pregnancy....I really hope all goes well and works out okay for you x

@Anon501178 yes, I think it's tough because there isn't really a right answer, or at least for us it wasn't obvious. Common sense told me it was definitely a bad idea, as we already have a lot of caring responsibilities, demanding jobs, my mental health suffered after my last baby etc. And yet for some reason I always wanted 3 kids and we kinda decided we would be happy either way, without really deciding anything concrete... When I fell pregnant unexpectedly, that easy going attitude immediately disappeared and i have spent most of the time feeling completely overwhelmed, afraid we won't cope, and struggling to remember the reasons why we even wanted a third (I should have just been content with the lovely family I have and not looked for something more, it's irresponsible, career suicide etc). It's been really hard to figure out whether these feelings are real ones that I just hadn't thought deeply enough about beforehand, or if it's anxiety caused by all the hormones and how wretched I have felt in the first trimester. But I have also read tons of threads on here of women who have had similar fears/feelings and when the baby came everything felt right. I think it's rare anyone regrets a child, even if they're unplanned/not a sensible idea, because we all just love our children unconditionally once they're in our arms.

Oh congratulations! I’m sorry it has been stressful and that you are worrying about the decision.

I found myself in a similar position actually. Really wanted a third but couldn’t decide (hence the post). Kept ruminating and then fate played a hand and I found I was pregnant. And I have also been really very worried about it! I thought I would be delighted but obviously the reality is quite daunting. BUT I’m really reminding myself that although it extends the period of time with small children which is really very demanding, once they are all a bit older- I don’t know how much harder 3 is than 2. It will be busier clearly but I think the dyanmic will be great and I’m glad my children will have another sibling. But the early years do scare me!

@SleeplessInSuburbs congratulations to you too! How far along are you? It's heartening to read your update, especially as I have read so many threads on here talking about how difficult, expensive, exhausting etc it is to have 3. I've been worried we were terribly irresponsible to just let it happen without considering ot for longer, although it didn't seem like we were ever going to get to a clear decision either way.

I just reread your post and saw you are a sahm, how long have you done that and do you plan to stay out of work till the new baby is older? I'm sure this will make it much easier if so? I'm not so worried about the first year for us as we'll have shared parental leave so doing school/nursery drop offs will be easier, but it's when we're both back at work that it will be really challenging, especially as I need to be in the office 3 days/week. I'm not sure whether it will be feasible for us both to work full time, and I can't do my job part time.

Being SAHM works really well for us. I did work when we just had 1 and due to both of our jobs being very full on it was quite hard. Neither of us have much flexibility in our work. I think this will obviously extend the period I need to be at home for. But you have obviously figured out the childcare juggle twice before!
I also keep reminding myself that lots of people have far bigger families and cope fine so I’m sure three is manageable. I always wanted to have three for some reason so I am surprised by how worried I have been. I find two way better than having one in a lot of ways so I’m just hoping I haven’t pushed my luck too far.