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Parenting

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Original poster

Resent husband baby

43 replies

LeMoax · 06/05/2024 08:44

Inspired by another thread who feels her relationship has only got stronger post baby…agh well mine is the opposite!

My situation is DS who is 8 months old and a workaholic husband. I knew husband was a workaholic before we got married and started a family so perhaps this is my own doing.

His work (lawyer) does mean we have a nice life, and he is a very engaged dad when he is with us…but here we are on bank holiday Monday and he is working (again). He works pretty much every Saturday so we only get one weekend day together. He goes on long business trips often leaving me holding the baby. There is one planned this summer where he needs to go to Asia for 6weeks and I’ll be by myself at home.

On top of this I just feel like his life hasn’t changed. Alongside working long hours he gets up at 5am to go to the gym, has long work lunches and evening work dos. I barely have any time for myself. I’m so jealous.

I feel part of this is my own issue and I knew he was a workaholic beforehand. And he does offer to get paid childcare help in but I feel guilty leaving the baby with anyone apart from us. But I have moments of hating him, resenting him. I don’t know how we will get through this and how I stop feeling like this. It’s making me hate breastfeeding yet then I feel
guilty again. Agh.

OP posts:

PhuckyNell · 06/05/2024 08:46

Nothing changes unless something changes! What's it to be?

Original poster

LeMoax · 06/05/2024 08:49

youre right….did others in similar situation drop the feeling guilty and accept help? Or battle on silently seething? 😂

OP posts:

Creamandtan · 06/05/2024 08:49

Why would you feel guilty getting in childcare help? Your being too hard on yourself when you don’t have to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

DustyLee123 · 06/05/2024 08:51

Get the childcare in so you can have free time too.

smileyplant · 06/05/2024 08:52

Id get the help in - even if it's just a couple of mornings a week you'll feel so much better with a little time to yourself.

FlameTulip · 06/05/2024 08:53

I agree with getting help. Leave the mum guilt at the door!

DoreenonTill8 · 06/05/2024 08:54

Its hard, but if he's not doing these billable hours and the post work 'networking' Will his job be at risk? Would you have him home more for a lot less money?

Halfemptyhalfling · 06/05/2024 08:55

By 8 months your DC should be able to go several hours without breastfeeding so you should be able to leave him for a morning or afternoon . Or for a day and just appear for feeds if you have a part time nanny

Loopytiles · 06/05/2024 08:57

Are you able and willing to accept this as ‘the deal’ in your relationship, and co-parenting with him?

Or could you, with some changes on his part, eg reduced or no travel, reducing his hours, him doing more days or part days and nights in sole charge of DC?

if not and you iust don’t want what he’s offering (many wouldn’’t), it’d make sense to break up IMO as it seems he is unlikely to change his ways.

MangshorJhol · 06/05/2024 08:58

Presumably you don’t intend to work? Or what are the childcare arrangements for when mat leave ends?
My husband works a lot. He’s also an excellent dad. The difference with your husband is that every spare moment he’s not at work he’s at home either doing housework or looking after the kids.

So in your situation I would

make sure I had help with housework
use childcare even if it’s to give you a break.
he gets to have long work days. He does not get to have extra leisure time at YOUR expense and at the expense of spending time with your baby or doing housework
he wakes up at 5 am? He can make breakfast for everyone and a packed lunch for you before he goes to the gym. He can even do a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher.
he gets back late because he had a fun dinner- he can unload the dishwasher and run a load of laundry.
on weekends he can batch cook when the baby naps. If all this sounds laughable ask why.
make sure that you make it clear to your husband that he’s also a parent, not a babysitter to his kid. And that you are not the maid and housekeeper.

JumpstartMondays · 06/05/2024 09:00

He's offered a solution (childcare help) and you've turned it down even though you are burning out and it's making you jealous.

Accept the help. You'll be a better mum for being more rested and less burnt out so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Loopytiles · 06/05/2024 09:00

While you reflect would definitely get some childcare or whatever other help would aid you personally.

The seething is justified IMO if he does bugger all parenting and expects you to do it all!

i wouldn’t want to SAH or stay with an H like this. But can understand why some choose that and are fine with ‘the deal’.

MangshorJhol · 06/05/2024 09:01

My husband has managed to get very very far in his career without the post work ‘networking.’ As he says: you can always meet someone for lunch or a quick breakfast meeting. And if your career rises a little more slowly but you get time with your family (this btw is a calculation most working mothers make- which is why they are not at the boozy networking events) then he doesn’t mind that.

And yes he goes on long work trips but makes sure everything is done at home- batch cooked meals, clothes for the kids sorted for five days or so, books in the cleaner for an extra day.

JumpstartMondays · 06/05/2024 09:02

And make sure that, if he takes time for working out or for himself every day, make sure you take the same too.

I physically hand my 12m old (and 3.5yo) to DH and tell him I'll be back in 1 hour - otherwise it wouldn't happen and I'd never get that time. Sometimes I take myself swimming, sometimes just to a coffee shop or even back to bed!

Lostthetastefordahlias · 06/05/2024 09:02

Definitely get help with the cleaning/laundry etc as well if he’s not doing that either.
I would start with identifying one thing you really want to do - eg swimming - and do that regularly. Even if its just DH getting home at 6 to wfh one night a week. It will make a difference which will spur you to make more changes. Its not great for kids to have a resentful and unfulfilled parent - there’s lot of resources on this, for example try the Anna Mathur or Motherkind podcasts.

This will get easier for you as more childcare options open up like nursery and preschool. But it may still be worth looking into couples counselling to help him see he is going to need to change as your child grows up. Are you returning to work after mat leave?

Original poster

LeMoax · 06/05/2024 09:03

Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to reply - to answer some questions I am going back part time when baby is 1. We have a nursery planned for these days. I want to have it all …the job, being with my son, etc. I thought working part time would give me this but seeing the reality of how hard husband works I wonder if the one going to compromise In all this is my son.

Agh. You lovely lot are all right I need to stop feeling guilty and accept help if I won’t get it from him (which I won’t as I know I signed up to this)

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 06/05/2024 09:04

If you feel guilty about the paid childcare I'd consider hanging in there and reconsidering it when your baby is older, 8 months is very young. You might feel different when they don't feed so frequently or start walking or seem less helpless.

Obviously different people have different levels of what they can cope with but if I had a DH as checked out of family life as yours sounds I'd be sticking with one child.

I feel for you going it alone and I hope things get easier as your DC gets older.

littlebitstuck2024 · 06/05/2024 09:04

You knew the set up before you agreed to marry and have a baby with him.

Why aren't you using some of his money to pay for a babysitter or regular childcare? You could look at putting the baby in a nursery for a few mornings a week or perhaps full days. He goes to the gym every morning, why don't you? Find a gym that has a creche.

Why aren't you doing all this stuff already? If I had a baby with a rich man, like fuck would I be playing the martyr and struggling with everything on my own! I'd be insisting on as much help as possible.

Original poster

LeMoax · 06/05/2024 09:05

@littlebitstuck2024 this made me laugh! I guess that maternal instinct is strong!!!

OP posts:

MangshorJhol · 06/05/2024 09:06

But your husband doesn’t want it all right? He doesn’t want to spend that time with your baby and isn’t prioritising THAT in his day? Why don’t you sit down and ask your husband how does he plan to prioritise his family and you other than chucking money at the problem? I think you’ll find his answers quite revealing…

Morechocmorechoc · 06/05/2024 09:07

Obviously get help to have free time, but also I'd go to Asia for a week with 2 weekends either side in the middle of his trip. He has rgose two weekend off and you get a decent family break

PoppingTomorrow · 06/05/2024 09:08

Firstly I assume you've outsourced almost all the housework so that you don't have to spend time doing that?

Don't feel guilty about using paid childcare - that is guilt for your husband to carry, not you.

mitogoshi · 06/05/2024 09:11

Get help, a bit of childcare and/or other household help. I was in a similar situation when mine were babies except minus the high salary and worked Sundays too, I did just get on with it. For me it was a case of him being still early career (not law) and the money did improve a lot though not that high compared to law, far too outing to explain!

mitogoshi · 06/05/2024 09:14

Also I didn't return to work, it just wasn't possible to be everything to the child(ren) and him being so busy in his career, but I had mine close together deliberately so I could return to working once they were school age. We all make different choices, work out what's right for you

caringcarer · 06/05/2024 09:15

The best thing I ever did when my kids were little was accept help when it was offered. It really is liberating and makes life better. A few hours to yourself each week makes all the difference.

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