Resent husband baby

[LeMoax]

Inspired by another thread who feels her relationship has only got stronger post baby…agh well mine is the opposite!

My situation is DS who is 8 months old and a workaholic husband. I knew husband was a workaholic before we got married and started a family so perhaps this is my own doing.

His work (lawyer) does mean we have a nice life, and he is a very engaged dad when he is with us…but here we are on bank holiday Monday and he is working (again). He works pretty much every Saturday so we only get one weekend day together. He goes on long business trips often leaving me holding the baby. There is one planned this summer where he needs to go to Asia for 6weeks and I’ll be by myself at home.

On top of this I just feel like his life hasn’t changed. Alongside working long hours he gets up at 5am to go to the gym, has long work lunches and evening work dos. I barely have any time for myself. I’m so jealous.

I feel part of this is my own issue and I knew he was a workaholic beforehand. And he does offer to get paid childcare help in but I feel guilty leaving the baby with anyone apart from us. But I have moments of hating him, resenting him. I don’t know how we will get through this and how I stop feeling like this. It’s making me hate breastfeeding yet then I feel
guilty again. Agh.

My set up isnt the same...but yes drop the guilt. its a waste of time and gets worse. I know i am a good mother and i give zero fucks what any other mother thinks of my performance.

But it 💯 gets better when you go back to work. And i recommend going back FT.

You also need to just buy in help and convenience and prioritise certain things for yourself.... because no one else will. Also its stops you feeling crabby. 😅
I am on mat leave and use (paid and unpaid) childcare to let me go for lunch with friends etc.

Use childcare, cleaners gardeners, food that is convenient, car valet etc...

What i will say is i know a lot of good lawyers. They dont change, they wont compromise work and so its unlikely to change much (i am talking about the men AND women here)

I would totally shelve any notions of no 2 until dc1 is bigger and you can make a more informed decision about what you are "willing to give (up)"

Part time is risky, you're earning capacity will likely decrease and you'll continue to be tbe default parent,

He'll rise higher and higher and you'll become more and more dependent and vulnerable

Fifty percent of marriages fail,

You should return full time and ensure he shares the load. Or at least 80 percent and ensure your work isn't impacted by doing all the nursery drop offs etc. He must do half.

You cannot accept him profiting off your sacrifice

If I'd had the money you do when mine were little, you can bet your ass I'd have jumped at the childcare!! We were skint, WAY skint, DH was working 6-7 days a week doing every inch of overtime he could just to keep a roof over our heads! I hardly saw him for about 4 years, until our finances got under control and he could dial back the work.

Remember, you are not just Mum. You are also a woman, who deserves time to herself and luckily for you, you also have the means to do that. Many women don't have that option.

Its worth looking at david lloyd membership. My friends who are ebers are obsessed with the creches 😅

On top of this I just feel like his life hasn’t changed. Alongside working long hours he gets up at 5am to go to the gym, has long work lunches and evening work dos. I barely have any time for myself. I’m so jealous.

This isn't just being hard working. This is a man who is selfish and prioritises his own wants and life over that over his wife and child.

He isn't being a good husband and daddy at all it seems.

Does he actually ever spend time with the two of you together? What about with his baby on his own? Or with you on your own?

Dh works in the same area and works long hours, but he was an active dad and husband - was then and still is now, and dd is 22y. He made changes when dd was small to ensure he could be a good dad to his daughter. He was always home for dinner and then bedtime. He was always around at weekends and took his full holiday entitlement with us all as a family. He took dd to nursery in a morning when I was working, so he also amended his starting hours. By the time we had dd he was in a good work position, earning a great salary but also had built his position so he could be more flexible as well. He simply stopped almost all of the after work events or the 'golf course' type meetings when she was a baby and child, with just key ones attended.

I did work part time and we used childcare, something I have no guilt over.

This simply reads as a man who doesn't want to take responsibility for his child or spend time with his family. Most of it is his choice, not his work demanding it ime.

You keep saying I signed up to this… signed up to what? Lone parenting, being unfulfilled, a life of supporting but not being supported. You can throw money at the issue of needing childcare but there is some talking you need to be doing with your OH. What life do you want to carve out together

This is exactly what I'd be doing. I was a full time working single mum and never got a break ever as I had no family in the country.
So I was poor and knackered.
Don't neglect your own career though. You never know when you might need it.

Firstly, it's fine for you to get some childcare to give you a break now and then. Your DS will be fine.

Secondly, what is your plan for the future? Are you planning on going back to work? Full time? Part time? It's difficult to see how you could do anything particularly high powered when you are likely to continue to be the default parent and handle childcare pick ups and drop offs, sick days etc.

Is your husband paying into a pension for you? If not, this is something you should look into.

God, me too, like a bloody shot. I can’t remember ever feeling guilty about leaving my ds when he was a baby, I don’t understand why I should have.

I just came on to say. I’m sorry you’re under a lot of pressure. When you feel like breastfeeding is becoming a lot I find it can be when you’re at your most exhausted and are ‘all touched out’ as they say.

Take a deep breath and remember your little
one won’t always need you in quite this way forever. You’re doing an amazing, amazing job. No one ever tells us this. So I wanted to say it.

as others have said definitely outsource whatever help you can. But don’t leave the baby unless you want to.

Men can be funny creatures. When you feel at your most resentful if it’s possible find one thing you admire or one positive. Like: he’s a good provider. He makes me laugh.

and if you need more recognition tell him so. We all need ‘you’re doing great’ once in a while. Especially if (and I am in this gang) you have done nothing but breastfeed for the last 8 months.

I am desperately in need of a haircut/ colour/ pedicure/ manicure/ massage (the list is endless) but we are in a phase of baby not even wanting me to put him down at the moment. It’s not forever. I promise.

Sending all the positive energy your way ♥️

I think you will find he is pursuing the career he worked hard to get and that he was doing when OP met him and OP does have the sense to see she knew that this was his life when she met him and bought into city lawyer lifestyle.

The reality is OP you should accept the help and maybe even get a cleaner. Or have the conversation about whether he is prepared to move to a less well paid regional firm type job. And then he may end up unhappy in his work.

Is there no way you can go to Asia too? Possibly it's cheaper for his firm to rent an apartment than hotel for him for that amount of time?

I think you need a nanny. There will be a lot of days when baby can’t go to nursery, because they catch so many bugs in the early days and he’s obviously not going to take time off so it’ll be you every time and it may end up risking your job. Also, it removes the stress of having to rush for drop offs and pick ups on your working days, because again, it’s all going to be all on you.

Presuming money isn’t an issue get the nanny to start ASAP to settle in whilst you’re still on mat leave and to get what sounds like some much needed time for yourself. Extend their hours so you have one day a week to yourself when you’re not working, so it won’t be as intense when DH is away and you don’t have his support at the weekend. Don’t be a martyr, use the money to make your life easier. And FWIW I know a lot of men who work similar hours and every family has a SAHP or a nanny, and a few actually have both.

@AGodawfulsmallaffair same, I never felt guilty leaving mine either. Mine is older now so I have more freedom but when they were younger, I had hardly any help. Any time I could nab a babysitter or whatever, I used to jump at the chance. Time to myself made me a much better mother when they returned home.

It's important to prioritise self-care. OPs husband doesn't feel guilty leaving his family to go to the gym each day or go out for meals or hobbies "for work" so why shouldn't she do the same?

In a similar position OP and almost certain I’m leaving him tonight and he’ll be out by the weekend. We have 2 children, one a newborn and one with additional needs. Just recently the lightbulb seems to have come on and I’m so detached from him. Some men won’t change just because they have a family. My ‘D’P cares more about his job, hobbies and social life more than he does me and his children it seems. I don’t believe he is a good dad. He’s capable but unwilling.

Personally, I would go back to work full time for a short period and discuss with your DH how you will BOTH facilitate this. Let him see you as an equal rather than "the help". If he engages then you can think about dropping your hours. If he refuses, ask him exactly why it is that YOU should be the one to sacrifice everything for a baby that you both created?

I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone this disengaged tbh. It's not your fault he is like this but it's up to you whether you put up with it or not. You don't have to.

Just a word of caution part-time can be great, if you ring fence in time for you. I see a lot of my colleagues who are part-time and they end up with less me time.

Happy you will make parenting easier, it sounds like you will be doing 90% of the parenting.

This whole ‘OP knew what she was getting into’ is nonsense. Not long after I met my husband he was in a residency program working 80-100 hours a week for 3 years. He then went on to become a primary care physician and an academic. And we had TWO babies and he did more than OP’s husband does. And I always knew he would. Did OP’s husband make it clear to her that he wouldn’t have time for the baby and it was all her problem and his sole job would be to make money? And that they would have unequal free time? I bet he didn’t.

In the main as I said DH prioritised US- when he wasn’t working he was not at boozy lunches and at the gym. He was home. I didn’t have to teach him how to parent. If our kid was sick and I had to go in to work and he took a day off he didn’t send me endless questions. And we both managed to have decent careers- I am a tenured professor and he was one and then quit to be a full time physician and run his own company. I find this whole bro corporate energy bullshit to be exactly that- BS. And I say this because my husband is now CEO of his own company having raised many millions and STILL manages to not go for boozy lunches and six week trips without a care in the world. Also when he’s had a busy work week he often voluntarily checks in to see how my work is going and if there is any extra slack he can pick up. And no he doesn’t deserve a bloody medal. This is the bare minimum of being a good dad and partner.

And no, don’t go to Asia where you have to solo parent without all the familiar stuff at the height of the summer and with your husband never around.

And again he’s making a choice right- this is key- he is saying that his career trumps his family. When OP met him they didn’t have a family. OP settled on being 2nd best in his life in some way. It is up to her if that is what she wants to settle for her kids too. A life where their needs, wants and issues are second best to their dad making money.

Exactly, I had one good friend who helped me out, who I was and am eternally grateful to, but that was it. I couldn’t wait to get out and see adults and not be alone! Men rarely if ever feel guilty for doing what they want at the detriment to their family.