Is my DH discrediting me?

[L0st4words]

Over the past 18 months or more I've seen a huge shift in my DH with regards to how talks/thinks about me which seems to have started since our DD has become a talker.

Yesterday I went to my toddler's friend to drop off a birthday gift. We got chatting in the garden and her mum/toddler friends grandmother said she could take my toddler off to the garage to show her something whilst us mums caught up. I thanked her and said we'd all go. And it was just to show the kids some old games briefly.

When I came home I mentioned it in passing to my DH - stranger wanting to take our toddler into a different part of the house without me. (Our DD has never met the gran, she's also very shy, not comfy with being without me for too long so wouldn't have likely left me anyway). My DH response was "they think your nuts. You know that?! They think you have an attachment disorder because you wouldn't even let our kid go off to a garage with the gran"

It really threw me. I asked if he'd have done differently then and he said "I wasn't there was I?" It's so out of character for him but he seems to be frequently making statements that are out of the gentle concerned dad he used to be.

Another time was when it was raining and we were going out. I grabbed the coats and said could you put this on DD who DH was holding whilst I forgot something upstairs. When I came back she hadn't got it on and I said "oh, no coat DD?" And my husband said "she doesn't want it on. So she doesn't have to." I explained to DD it's raining so we need our coats and he cut me off calling me controlling and saying that as we're child-led, DD said no. He was grinning and DD was burying her head.

Rather than continue the conversation I just said "well, let's go." And DH picked up DD and kept saying if you don't want to go out, we don't have to.

Another time I was looking for something in the lounge and said to myself "ugh, where is it now?!" Everyone was playing, reading etc and I was mumbling to myself really. My DH then said "lower your tone when you're speaking to me" I said I wasn't speaking to anyone specifically and he then he chuckled and said "you're very aggressive."

He took DD downstairs for breakfast the other week and forgot to give her a drink. I only knew because I asked so I could time when she's next need a wee. And he said "she didn't ask for one" . I said it's been over 2 hours since she got up, she's not had one since 6pm the night before and how important it is. He then said about being controlling again.

I'm a fairly bouncy happy person and DD and I like to giggle together but these sort of ways of describing me, particularly as it's from DH has made me feel like I have to be quiet and not advocate for DD.

The comments seem to come out of no where. He's happy and chatty etc and then he just comes out with these sort of statements. We've moved to the other side of the country about 4 years ago when he started WFH so doesn't know anyone. He's been going to the local most nights to make friends but often complains that no one wants to talk and they're all retired. This means that we don't get much opportunity to talk when DD is asleep and discussing what we said etc.

Has anyone else been in this situation with a toddler and parenting?

He’s finding fault to embarrass, undermine, manipulate and control you.

He sounds like a lazy parent and is finding any opportunity he can to undermine you and knock your confidence. Parenting with a person like that rarely gets better.

He is showing he doesn't like you at that point in time, but that doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong nor explain why - he may be feeling inadequate as a parent, a partner, or an employee and blaming you?

Thank you. I can't understand what has brought about these changes.

I don't even know what to say but my thoughts are that if I say nothing and DD witnesses it, would she not in her toddler mind assume that DH is right and mum is what DH says I am?

As I said, this is so out of character for him. I was beginning to think he was depressed and lonely and just taking it out on me.

It’s abusive and you should think about whether you want to live like this.

It sounds like you have very different parenting styles. He wants to give your toddler autonomy and you want to make sure that what you think needs to happen actually does happen. You need to talk that through because he's resenting your 'controlling' behaviour, whereas from your perspective it's just being respectful responsible and caring.

The way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable.

What's he doing at the pub if he's not enjoying it? Is it every night (which seems excessive).

Would he be better served by finding a place outside of the home to work from where he can have interactions? Even if it's just half a day.

He sounds rude and judgemental. And he's not presenting a parenting united front, when he's expecting you to do exactly that with his decisions, even riding roughshod over your parenting.

The coat - why does daughter have to wear it? You also made a snide remark to him - “no coat ?” Your husband doesn’t have to put the coat on her because you think she needs it. It’s not just your decision. Some things you clearly need to let go. This is just a snippet but he probably does think you’re controlling and over the top - maybe he’s too laid back for your liking? You didn’t need to all go to look at the thing the grandma wanted to show ei either - your daughter would have been gone for minutes in the same building as you - seems excessive to me.

Either way sit down, talk like adults & ask him what annoys him about you & your parenting & visa versa. Open & honest conversation not him making snide remarks. By sounds of it you need to let the little things go - he just sounds fed up of your fussing but is going about it the wrong way.

I don't want to live like this and I certainly don't want DD to live like this either.

This is difficult to unpick - the pub thing sounds excessive and how he speaks to you sounds awful but why didn’t you let her go off with others and not wanting to wear a coat is normal and I would have let mine see the rain and then decide

First post nails it. I'm sorry to say this but why is he going to the local most nights if nobody talks to him? I would suggest there is another woman in the background, so he's laying the foundations of saying you're aggressive, controlling etc to justify having an affair/leaving. It's part of the script I'm afraid.

He's been going to the local most nights
😮

He’s finding fault to embarrass, undermine, manipulate and control you.
First post says it all. He's just an ordinary, nasty man who doesn't like his life and rather than try and fix it himself, he is taking it out on you. You have three choices.
Accept you are a crap human being and carry on.
Try to fix your relationship with counselling, but you both have to want this otherwise it won't work.
Make plans to leave.

Why the hell did you move 4 hours away if he works from home??

EDIT - Over the past 18 months
So basically since you gave birth and became "trapped"? Textbook abuse timings OP. Pregnancy and maternity are the times,

May I offer a different perspective. My kids are adults now, and I felt I had to be 'in control' of every little thing regarding them, as I was a SAHM and my ExH worked long hours and had no paternal instincts and looking back, lacked emotional intelligence in some areas. We also had a laugh together. I can see you 'micro managing' him, as far as your daughter is concerned and to some men this may be really, really annoying. I get he may not 'think' ahead like you do (I found dads rarely did) and I see a family member doing it all the time to this day, but her husband deals with it differently. As a PP said, you seem to have different parenting styles which will cause conflict. You need to pick your battles and meet in the middle if this relationship is to survive. Tone of voice is crucial. The marriages that I see surviving are the ones where couples can be themselves, and have learned how to navigate conflict respectfully. Why he's changed in your eyes, I don't know. I also find the going off the the stranger (lady, grandparent) way OTT. If my DD was shy, I would just have advocated for her, but you make it sound like the grandparent was a grave danger to your child.

Kids are a challenge to a relationship and there are times where a conversation needs to be had with other parent if you disagree with their approach on something. You don’t have to agree with each other 100%. If your husband has an issue then he should put on his big boy pants and sit down one evening to talk to you about it instead of getting snide.
Whether this can be resolved depends on whether you both are willing to talk to each other. However, this isn’t always possible because there is no reasoning with some people.

When do others sit down and talk to each other about conflicting parenting issues?

I aim to do it once DD is in bed but he's out from about 3 hours most evenings.

@LittleGreenDragons I remember the midwife saying that lots of men change during pregnancy and saying how shocked I was. But when I was pregnant Dd was a newborn baby, he wasn't like this. In fact we were quite a good team.

If he talks to you like that then I wouldn’t involve him in any outings at all.

You think putting on a coat when you are heading out and it's raining is controlling? Sheesh.

With the updates, I think he's trying to not like you to alleviate his guilt.

What if 3 hours every evening is meeting someone else?

After all, he's not bringing new friends back, or told you their names.

@L0st4words

Another time I was looking for something in the lounge and said to myself "ugh, where is it now?!" Everyone was playing, reading etc and I was mumbling to myself really. My DH then said "lower your tone when you're speaking to me" I said I wasn't speaking to anyone specifically and he then he chuckled and said "you're very aggressive."

This is just nasty; he's belittling you the way he talks to you generally, particularly in front of the children, but this is just just awful.

Also if he's WFH why was it necessary to move to the other side of the country? Are you with easy reach of your own family? 🌹

We both wanted to move here for years. It's rural and he encouraged me to find a job here which was lovely but brief as I shortly became pregnant and we both agreed I should SAH whilst DD is little. No family here no.

@abracadabra1980 as someone who doesn't know me, you've described what I did as a bit OTT. My DH knows me the most and suggested they thought I was nuts and had an attachment disorder. It's not the disagreeing with what I've done it's his out of character response I am finding hard. If DH had said that I was being a bit OTT then I would take it as a difference of opinion but it doesn't fill me with confidence when I'm meeting new mums and toddlers etc if that's what my DH thinks people would be thinking.

I think lots of suggestions are that I find an opportunity to confront him and say that it's not on what he's doing.

I am going to persevere on this. It's hard because he is out most evenings when we could have chance.

I was starting to think the best way was to just be quiet and perhaps it's just a thing but it seems like this isn't common. I certainly don't remember my dad making these sort of passing snipes at my mum when I was a kid.

It's just sad that we've got so much, im so grateful and feel so lucky but he's sucking the joy out of my days with this relentless critique of me. It's very wearing.

Thank you for all your input so far.

Could be wrong OP and I hope I am but when my ex husband was having an affair, this is exactly what he did. I was reduced to rubble trying to figure out where I was going wrong, at every turn. He also pittied the children against me over seemingly trivial matters.

He is giving himself every single opportunity he can to have an affair. He goes out every night for three hours instead of sitting with you in your own home. Then he complains that nobody talks to him. All he needs is for a young woman to come in who is willing to talk to him and there you go.

I don't suppose he would accept going to counselling would he?

Him being out most evenings is a bit crap.