Major Mum Guilt For Mistakes I Made With Newborn

[ThisTooShallPass89]

Hi everyone,

I am a FTM to a wonderful 9 week old. Overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job looking after her. Particularly, I've started to feel confident over the past week or so, that I can tell what she needs and can meet her needs quickly.

Since I've developed this confidence, I've started reflecting on mistakes I made during the first 2 months, that seem so obvious now, but for some reason, I just didn't know better at the time. And since last night, I've been feeling so guilty for not doing better by my DD and allowing her to be in distress/crying during those occasions. It's eating away at me, and I just wanted talk to someone about it.

They all correspond to mismanagement of being outside with her or being away from her.

I am EBF and don't breast pump.

The main mistake was when she was about 2 weeks old. I'm pretty sure I had not long fed her, and DH and DGF took her to the grocery shop (estimated time away from home - 1 to 1.5 hours). I decided to stay home as it was my first chance to have a proper break since her birth. At this point she would normally sleeps 2-3 hours post feed. Turns out she only made it about 30 mins before waking up, so was unhappy/crying for about an hour before she made it back to me.

It's so obvious now, that I should have been with her to feed on demand, even if just for comfort. I don't think i understood the importance or power of comfort feeding back then.

The other major one was where I went for my 6 week check. DD had already been asleep for 2 hours but would sleep for 2-3 hours normally. I didn't want to wake her from her sleep for a pre-emptive feed (as I'd heard never to wake a sleeping baby), so left her with DH. She woke up straight away, then was crying for 20 mins until I got home.

The last major one was going for too long a walk with DH, and DGF do was visiting from abroad. DD was really settled and fast asleep in the pram, so we kept walking, then when she did woke up 4 hours later, we were about 30 mins from home home and it was raining badly so I couldn't BF.

The rest were her crying for 5-15 mins, because I hadn't factored in poor weather conditions stopping me from breastfeeding outside, or choosing to rush home rather than breast feeding outside and not taking a clean nappy outside.

I've learnt my lessons - now I always BF before we leave, and I'm prepared to stop and BF wherever we are.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily
avoided. I wish I'd been better for her.

Hi, you can def afford to go easier on yourself.

You’re equating crying with suffering/distress, when it’s how babies communicate lots of emotions and wants (and in fact it sounds like in these cases your baby was more hungry than suffering)

And you’re feeling like bf is the only way of providing comfort, when actually there are a lot of ways (and in fact your baby had you or her other parent comforting her constantly through all of the moments you describe).

On a small number of occasions your baby has spent a short amount of time loudly telling her own very loving parent HUNGRY NOW, FETCH THE FEAST PLEASE, while being comforted. Truly, this is ok.

Let it go OP. None of these are mistakes - you’re learning.

And ignore your MIL. She’s forgotten.

When DD was born I fed her and then I she was really sleepy and I couldn't get her to latch so I didn't feed her again until 15 hours later. So I fed her 8pm then didn't manage to feed her again until my midwife came round the next day at 11am.

My mum then came round and I didn't feed her for hours again because I was too busy talking.

She wasn't crying but when I realised what I'd done I put my all into it and made it the number 1 priority.

She had still lost weight when they did the first weigh though, purely because of my stupidity.

I also retrospectively realise that she wasn't warm enough at night, I really think the guidelines on this aren't great.

I felt a lot of anxiety and regret about these things for a long time. She's not 3 and I only stopped breastfeeding her a few weeks ago, she's very healthy and tall (we are tall) and basically thriving. So I feel less bad about it.

We all make mistakes as new parents, it's a huge transition, your brain has literally changed. Please don't spare a thought, just focus on the now ♥️

Kindly, get a grip as none of this is an issue to the point is seems to be affecting you. Please mention it to your healthcare providers as it may be a flag to something bigger.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily avoided. I wish I'd been better for her

Maybe see it through another lens. It’s just sheer luck this baby is your first and you are even able to contemplate thinking like this. Once you have a few kids you will be trying to get your school age child to after school sport training on time, have younger sibling prattling on about something that is the most important thing in their life concerning their day in reception and want your undivided attention, meanwhile your toilet training toddler decides they need to use the potty/toilet right now and on top of that the new baby decides it’s now hungry, would like a breastfeed and is crying. The child that is late to sports training will be okay, no lifelong harm done. The reception child that has had to share your attention and have their thunder stolen by the toddler you are whipping into the toilet will be okay, no lifelong harm done. The baby who is hungry, crying and needs to wait for 30mins until you can pack everyone in the car, drive and drop your child at sports training before whacking on a wiggles song playlist for the toddler, get the baby out of their seat so you can feed in the car, also will be absolutely fine and no lifelong harm done. It’s not healthy to think and obsess in the way you are doing, please talk to someone.

I think you have to be kinder to yourself. I like that quote about when you know better, you do better. You were learning about your baby. Now you have learnt a lot. And they were not mistakes. Your baby is absolutely fine. Motherhood is a huge learning curve and new mums need to give themselves grace.

Firstly these aren't mistakes. Your baby is fine.

Secondly, you're allowed a learning curve with something as big as having a baby for the first time. We wouldn't have survived as a species if we were that fragile.

Also, being immediately attended to is a first born privilege. Ask anyone with 3 dc how quickly they respond to baby no. 3.

Chances are you are going to make actual mistakes / have real regrets at some point, so best learn how to manage those feelings now.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It really helps having some reassurance from experienced mums - I don't really have any other mums to talk to, so don't really know what is "normal"!