Major Mum Guilt For Mistakes I Made With Newborn

[ThisTooShallPass89]

Hi everyone,

I am a FTM to a wonderful 9 week old. Overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job looking after her. Particularly, I've started to feel confident over the past week or so, that I can tell what she needs and can meet her needs quickly.

Since I've developed this confidence, I've started reflecting on mistakes I made during the first 2 months, that seem so obvious now, but for some reason, I just didn't know better at the time. And since last night, I've been feeling so guilty for not doing better by my DD and allowing her to be in distress/crying during those occasions. It's eating away at me, and I just wanted talk to someone about it.

They all correspond to mismanagement of being outside with her or being away from her.

I am EBF and don't breast pump.

The main mistake was when she was about 2 weeks old. I'm pretty sure I had not long fed her, and DH and DGF took her to the grocery shop (estimated time away from home - 1 to 1.5 hours). I decided to stay home as it was my first chance to have a proper break since her birth. At this point she would normally sleeps 2-3 hours post feed. Turns out she only made it about 30 mins before waking up, so was unhappy/crying for about an hour before she made it back to me.

It's so obvious now, that I should have been with her to feed on demand, even if just for comfort. I don't think i understood the importance or power of comfort feeding back then.

The other major one was where I went for my 6 week check. DD had already been asleep for 2 hours but would sleep for 2-3 hours normally. I didn't want to wake her from her sleep for a pre-emptive feed (as I'd heard never to wake a sleeping baby), so left her with DH. She woke up straight away, then was crying for 20 mins until I got home.

The last major one was going for too long a walk with DH, and DGF do was visiting from abroad. DD was really settled and fast asleep in the pram, so we kept walking, then when she did woke up 4 hours later, we were about 30 mins from home home and it was raining badly so I couldn't BF.

The rest were her crying for 5-15 mins, because I hadn't factored in poor weather conditions stopping me from breastfeeding outside, or choosing to rush home rather than breast feeding outside and not taking a clean nappy outside.

I've learnt my lessons - now I always BF before we leave, and I'm prepared to stop and BF wherever we are.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily
avoided. I wish I'd been better for her.

Thank you everyone! It's been really helpful to hear reassurances from experienced mums - I don't really have any other mums that I can talk to (except my MIL who keeps telling me her children never cried as babies - which I imagine can't be true...) so I have nothing to compare my experiences to. I'll sleep easier tonight!

I hasn't even thought about what it will be like managing multiple children!

True - I hadn't thought about this!

I remember getting a book about children's devotions at about 10 weeks old and its first sentence was "the first 8 weeks are the most important" 😁.

You just need to be good enough, I guarantee that by the time they're adults you'll have made many many mistakes but hopefully will have successes along the way as well.

Speaking as a mum to two adults.

You're doing amazingly.

You're learning about your baby and her needs. You've done nothing wrong and caused her no harm. She's flourishing.

You're doing your absolute best to anticipate when her needs might not always be met immediately and taking action about it like feeding her before you go out etc.

But you can't anticipate everything. It's not possible so don't you criticise yourself on that point.

This is such a steep learning curve for you and your baby. And your confidence takes time to grow.

Lucky baby to have a mum like you who is so concerned for and alert to her well being.

None of those are mistakes. At all.

My first had silent reflux and hated lying flat in the pram. Every single day I went out for the quickest walk for my own sake, returned with a screaming baby and left her to cry for an extra two minutes while I went to the loo and grabbed a snack for the mammoth feed that was to follow. Every day.

She's 6 and absolutely fine.

Babies cry, and even when we feed on demand, it's not always possible to do it that exact second. Please be kinder to yourself.

That all sounds totally normal to me? But I would consider if you need some support for your mental health, given how much this seems to be worrying you

There are tons of things I would do differently if I had another baby but at the time of DD being a baby I did what I knew at the time, that was my best with the knowledge and (lack of) experience I had. Don't beat you, we are not perfect.

There isn’t a single parent on earth that does everything perfectly 100% of the time, especially with a first baby. I’ve done plenty of things with my son that I probably wouldn’t do again with another child. He’s my first and I’m learning as I go. With the next baby I will be more experienced, but will still make mistakes, everybody does. You sound like an amazing mother and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

Whoa whoa whoa! No harm has been done - you are doing well enough and that's what matters. Remember, we'd all be utter basketcases if every little less than ideal thing our parents did (and often didn't have much choice about doing) when we were newborn negatively affected us.

https://theconversation.com/parents-make-mistakes-so-what-does-good-enough-parenting-look-like-214146#:~:text=Good%20enough%20parenting%20focuses%20on,is%20learning%20to%20navigate%20life.

I am impressed by how detailed your memories are... how do you remember such specific incidences, down to the exact timings? I could barely remember what I ate for breakfast when I had a newborn.

Sometimes doing something for your mental health entails reaching out to other mums for reassurance and to share experiences.

You sound like an INCREDIBLE mum!

Your MiL is talking rubbish! Maybe she's forgotten (I'm being charitable) in the same way we can forget the pain of childbirth.

Your baby is fine and you're doing incredibly well if those are the only 'mistakes' you've made. Mums often feel guilty about things we've done, or not done, so we have to learn to set the guilt aside and keep telling ourselves we're good enough. 💐

Why are you beating yourself up?

Baby's do cry sometimes, that's normal.

It's not normal to be berating yourself weeks later for being a completely normal new mum!!

Oh wow you don't need to worry about any of these. But if you are, then please either pump or gather spare milk with a Hakka and store in the fridge , or get some pre mixed formula that your partner can give her in a bottle in an emergency. Problem solved and you can still get to your appointments.

Are you OK OP? This is really normal. My OH took baby for a walk and misjudged or we were in the car too long.

Are you in a mood that's causing you to look for issues or perhaps exhausted? I find I'm overcritical of myself when exhausted.

People forget what their babies were actually like, it was a long time ago. And not often becomes 'never'.

My first baby barely left my side, both my best mate and I had kids very close together. We both breastfed whilst on the loo so our our PFBs didn't have a moment of discomfort or hunger.
None of their siblings had this treatment - all EBF on demand and coslept with, but the realities of multiple kids means everyone has to be patient some of the time.

You sound like a lovely mum. Don't best yourself up. It gets easier.

This.

What if you had twins or more? Babies survive and thrive with FAR worse than being left with a loving caregiver for an hour or so. Go easy on yourself

These things happen, please try to forgive yourself. It's such a big change and so much learn.

You will remember these things and they'll make you a better, more caring mum, but your baby won't. They will know they will just know they were loved.

Thanks - I never really thought of it as a range of emotions/issues that they are communicating

If the thing you pride yourself on most is fixing your child's discomfort instantly in all cases, you're going to be in fora lot of shocks over the next 20 years! You're only all powerful in their world for a short while (except you can try it if you're a lawnmower parent)
Sounds like you're doing a great job and you have to understand that you are your own person and you're just as important as your baby. Put on your own mask first before you help your little one.
Take care.

Thanks for your support! You almost sitting on her gave me s much needed chuckle! 😂