Major Mum Guilt For Mistakes I Made With Newborn

[ThisTooShallPass89]

Hi everyone,

I am a FTM to a wonderful 9 week old. Overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job looking after her. Particularly, I've started to feel confident over the past week or so, that I can tell what she needs and can meet her needs quickly.

Since I've developed this confidence, I've started reflecting on mistakes I made during the first 2 months, that seem so obvious now, but for some reason, I just didn't know better at the time. And since last night, I've been feeling so guilty for not doing better by my DD and allowing her to be in distress/crying during those occasions. It's eating away at me, and I just wanted talk to someone about it.

They all correspond to mismanagement of being outside with her or being away from her.

I am EBF and don't breast pump.

The main mistake was when she was about 2 weeks old. I'm pretty sure I had not long fed her, and DH and DGF took her to the grocery shop (estimated time away from home - 1 to 1.5 hours). I decided to stay home as it was my first chance to have a proper break since her birth. At this point she would normally sleeps 2-3 hours post feed. Turns out she only made it about 30 mins before waking up, so was unhappy/crying for about an hour before she made it back to me.

It's so obvious now, that I should have been with her to feed on demand, even if just for comfort. I don't think i understood the importance or power of comfort feeding back then.

The other major one was where I went for my 6 week check. DD had already been asleep for 2 hours but would sleep for 2-3 hours normally. I didn't want to wake her from her sleep for a pre-emptive feed (as I'd heard never to wake a sleeping baby), so left her with DH. She woke up straight away, then was crying for 20 mins until I got home.

The last major one was going for too long a walk with DH, and DGF do was visiting from abroad. DD was really settled and fast asleep in the pram, so we kept walking, then when she did woke up 4 hours later, we were about 30 mins from home home and it was raining badly so I couldn't BF.

The rest were her crying for 5-15 mins, because I hadn't factored in poor weather conditions stopping me from breastfeeding outside, or choosing to rush home rather than breast feeding outside and not taking a clean nappy outside.

I've learnt my lessons - now I always BF before we leave, and I'm prepared to stop and BF wherever we are.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily
avoided. I wish I'd been better for her.

Oh my goodness. Go easy on your self. None of these things are ‘mistakes’. Babies are unpredictable and sometimes they cry and we can’t immediately attend to them. It’s not a problem. If this is the worst you’ve had in 9 weeks then I promise you she’s fine and you’ve done really well!

These are not mistakes!! There will be times when your baby cries more than you’d like such as times when you’re driving or when you need the toilet or a shower. I do understand where you’re coming from though as I did exactly the same thing ruminating over specific times when I felt I should have done something differently or responded quicker. With my second, I haven’t done this and there are far more occasions when a second baby won’t be responded to as quickly as you’d like because you might be attending to your eldest. I’m much more relaxed second time round.

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. You don’t need to keep torturing yourself with memories of times you think you fell short.

A lot of things are obvious in retrospect which really weren’t obvious at the time. FTPs learn from experience, which unfortunately means making mistakes.

None of this will have done your baby any harm whatsoever, she won’t remember it. Be less harsh on yourself.

None of these are mistakes or problems, it's just life with a newborn.

Believe me, my 3rd baby had to put up with the distress of crying for 20 minutes ALL THE TIME while I was wrangling the other two and she is 100% fine! You can't just be late picking up from nursery because the baby woke up early and wanted a feed etc.

Like PPs, I don’t see those as mistakes- just you getting used to being a mum and learning about your baby and learning what is or isn’t realistic in terms of timings etc.

Believe me, if you are anything like the rest of us, you will make a whole lot of mistakes in your parenting over the next 18 years. You’ll need to learn how to forgive yourself and how to move on when things don’t go quite right. You are good enough- to your DD you’re the centre of the universe right now.

Oh my. Deffo be easier on yourself!

You're only 9 weeks in, but trust me you'll have lots of moments in parenting where you'll feel you could have done things differently!! You can't let these thoughts take up much of your time, feeling guilt over perceived mistakes is pointless really, parenting is learning as you go along and there is no handbook.

They're not mistakes at all. Sometimes baby's need to wait a short while to be fed. Think about what happens when you have multiple children etc.

I agree with everyone else - this is totally normal finding your feet. She's ok. And she won't have been harmed by these very normal incidents.

If this is bothering you to an overwhelming degree, it's worth speaking to your GP or health visitor about doing a PND screener. It's totally normal for hormones to be in complete overdrive after birth but if you're getting very distressed and obsessed over things which have happened already and you can't now control, it would be worth speaking to someone I think.

Just move on. Parenthood is full of moments like this and you'll do yourself no good by dwelling on them. "Mum guilt" is a made-up concept. It isn't compulsory.

Don't be daft, those aren't even mistakes just life getting in the way. Babies cry, crying as long as not all the time is good for their lungs. Leaving to cry for long periods of time raises cortisol which can impact brain development but that is not what you did.

Don't beat yourself up over it as your own stress levels will impact milk production. Parenting is a long 18 year experience where you learn as you go so as long as you adapt to each phase you are golden.

You are being too hard on yourself.

Keep in mind that crying is one of the few things a baby can do. It is communicating and not always as extreme as it seems. (It isn't just grief/distress/misery/pain like being burnt - it can be minor discomfort/irritation/boredom)

You wouldn't want to leave a baby crying if you could prevent it - but it isn't so very serious when you can't help it. (This will happen more when a baby has siblings!)

Nothing you describe deserves a moment of your rest time!

She is absolutely fine. Don't let this worry you. With my first, dh fell down the stairs with her on day 1. And on about day 3, I forgot where I put her and nearly sat on her in the dark. And there were many times she wasn't fed enough, when she needed it. We struggled a lot with bf in the early weeks and she only regained birth weight at 26 days. It's hard those early weeks, but dd has lived to tell the tale! You will have so many more things to feel guilty about in life as a parent. The time you snapped and said something horrible to them. The time you didn't intervene and protect them from a bully. The time you forgot the nativity play even though you promised you'd be there. Be gentle with yourself. You're just figuring it out as you go.

This can’t be real - these aren’t mistakes OP! It doesn’t sound to me like you have confidence but if you think you do then please just use it to look forward and get on with things instead of dwelling on your baby crying (???).

Be confident that you did the best you could at the time! You did nothing wrong.

You are doing great, no harm will have been done at all. Not so long ago babies were fed to a strict schedule, not in demand.

Laughing to myself about pp's thinking you will be done with parenting by 18......it never stops, ever.

None of these are mistakes, it’s good to have a bit of time to yourself.

You have probably forgotten all the times you have done everything ‘right’ (by your description) and she’s still cried!

Be easier on yourself. Though easier said than done!
Parenting is such a learning curve, there's things I did/didn't do when my child was newborn that I think it make a face at now if it was somebody else telling me about their child, but we learn as we go.
No matter how many classes you go to, books you read, how much research you do, nothing really prepares you for having your OWN child.
You're doing great, please try not to let it eat away at you 🩷

Oh, sweetheart! I had this! The obsessing over what I’d done wrong and the mistakes I’d made. The anxiety about how much worse things could have been. The intrusive thoughts that kept me awake at night.

In my case, it was (fortunately fairly mild) PPD. Please speak to your GP and/or health visitor if you think that might be the case for you. It’s such a horrible way to feel and it’s very hard to rationalise yourself out of it. But, help is available.

Ah these are absolutely normal parts of life with a newborn! I would be surprised if anyone thought they had done everything perfectly at any point as it can be such a difficult and stressful time but these really are not things to beat yourself up over, you sound like you're really on top of things and doing a wonderful job! Please go easy on yourself because a newborn is hard enough without having to feel all that anxiety and guilt, especially when you're clearly doing everything you can!

The things you're describing are very common during early BF-ing. If you struggle to re-evaluate these things as ordinary delays in feeding then it may be that you're struggling a bit generally with emotions currently?

You might be interested in the idea of 'good enough' parenting. No parent can be perfect.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201512/the-good-enough-parent-is-the-best-parent

OP very kindly, do you have some kind of anxiety? You sound like a great mother. These are not “mistakes” at all but are completely normal and all part of learning your baby and how to be a parent.

Babies are unpredictable and none of us are perfect. Yes we can learn patterns and how to plan for what is going to happen next, but it will never be right every time and your baby might just have to wait and cry for a bit. It won’t harm them.

I realise I am one of the posters who said that- and I have a nearly 19 year-old so I should know better, but I suppose it probably refers mostly to the period of time where we’re meeting their immediate needs for survival but yes, there is still plenty of parenting to be done 😫😬

I felt similar with DD1. I needed to see the perinatal mental health team. OP pls keep a close eye on your mental health. You’re learning to be a parent and even experienced parents don’t always get it right.

None of this is any big deal, it isn't going to affect her. If you think about it, if she had a twin or an elder sibling she wouldn't ever get every feed totally on demand as it's just impossible! Sometimes other things just get in the way and that's life.

I've had 4 children and done all of these things with all 4!
Mine are absolutely fine- all grown up with good jobs and happy relationships, so please don't be so hard on yourself.Your baby girl will be absolutely fine too-it's so easy to overthink.