Help with 2.5 year old challenging behaviour - from a mum on the edge!

[Luna20]

My little boy is 2 year 7 months and over the last few weeks he has just turned in to a completely different child. He's always been fairly strong willed and wanted to do things himself etc and got frustrated. But for the most part we've been able to talk to him and reason and explain things to him and it has really helped him to understand and avoid most tantrums. For example he will not want to wash his hands but I explain to him why it's important to wash hands and that we won't be able to do baking if we don't wash them etc and he usually understands the consequence of that and complies without much fuss. Recently however it is like the devil has taken over him. He is screaming and shouting 'No!' at us constantly at even just the smallest things like taking a wet nappy off. Every single tiny thing is suddenly an almighty battle. Even just 'lets go upstairs to play toys' results in a crazy battle of wills. Getting dressed feels impossible as he fights and fights and I can force him in to his clothes but he just rips them back off again. I usually say something like 'okay, I can see you are having trouble taking your pyjamas off, mummy is going to count to 3 and if you aren't doing it yourself then mummy is going to have to help you' this used to work all of the time and he would do it but now it usually ends with me getting to 3, giving him a chance to do it himself and then having to pull his PJ's off him while he kicks and screams and tries to hit me. But it's everything, getting in the car, getting out the car, having dinner, going out for a walk, he doesn't want to hold hands near a road, getting a bath, washing hands, even just playing with toys etc. every single tiny thing, I feel like I'm treading on egg shells around him as literally anything that I do could just make him explode in anger. He screams at me to go away and tries to tell me where specifically to go. He was having a tantrum earlier and started yelling at me to go away downstairs. He had a full blown fit when I said 'hello' to his dad coming in the door and he hit me because I was sat eating a banana that he suddenly decided he didn't want me to eat 'mummys not hungry mummy don't eat it'. I'm at a complete loss. I have a lot of patience usually and give him time to do things in his own way where I can but the last few weeks I've ended up in tears more days than not. He did start nursery a few weeks ago, just for a few hours a week so I realise a big life change could be the reason behind the behaviour. I am also pregnant so wondering if he's picking up on that too.
Sorry this post is so long, just looking for some solidarity or reassurance my toddler is normal and this isn't just his new horrible personality now. And any tips on how to handle the constant explosions of emotion would be really helpful. Thank you!!

No real advice, sounds really tough op. I think this might be one of those situations where you've answered your question yourself - new nursery, new baby on the way. Sounds like a lot of his behaviour is directed towards controlling you (or maybe to do with wanting you to himself) which could reflect him feeling quite out of control or angry with the new things happening. You could maybe try talking to him about what you observe about how he's feeling? Just saying something like 'you seem to be getting angry often at the moment, I wonder if you are feeling upset with all the changes/new nursery/new baby on the way, it must feel so strange' or whatever comes naturally. Might just be a case of showing you can take it, know it won't last forever, this too will pass etc. And he probably picks up on you being a bit worried about him and might make him more uneasy. Not easy to project cool confidence all the time though. I recently sat on the floor and wept trying to get my 2.5 yo out of the house. And yes, the battle of wills and how sh*t you feel if you do have to manhandle them into something...

This is way too much language
Simplify

First xxxx
then xxxx

"okay, I can see you are having trouble taking your pyjamas off, mummy is going to count to 3 and if you aren't doing it yourself then mummy is going to have to help you"

Too many words!!

Simplify

Pyjamas off. Now . Mummy will.help.

And clear instructions maybe with pictures.
Shoes on then car

I agree with less chat about it. Don't waffle on.

I don't battle my toddler unless it's serious and I have to physically lift him and remove him from a situation. Otherwise, say at home, I just say "alright" and walk away.

He doesn't want to wash his hands. "We need clean hands to bake. Let's wash our hands together then bake a cake"

"NO!"

"Alright", wander off and leave him. Take the power away.

My son did it yesterday over his shoes. I shrugged and said "we can't go out with your bike until you put your shoes on. I'm off to get my shoes." Got mine on and went out the door with his. He came running like hell after me.

You have to be unbothered by it all even if you're seething inside. So what if he chooses not to join in with the cake 🤷🏻‍♀️ You crack on and he'll want to join in so he'll eventually have to wash his hands. Imagine you were in a bad mood about something and someone kept yapping at you. Say less.

This is what I picked up on too - that's far too much talk for a 2yo, you need to keep it simple

Oh and remember. Toddlers are insane. Stop wasting time trying to figure them out. As they say, it's not that deep. They've barely existed consciously in the world, they haven't a clue.

Agree

This is completely normal. The first thing is to stop expecting them to be rational. They are only 2.

If you overface them with words, logic, requests, options they go over the edge and get very upset.

Simplify everything. Decide what is absolutely essential. Let other things go. Do not set the scene for a battle.

One good technique is to have a song or sound that signifies doing certain things, rather than speaking to them. They do this a lot in nurseries, it is just 'tidy up time' and everyone gets on with it, basically either you do it all or they join in, it doesn't really matter which as it gets done.

Also slow right down. If you are going somewhere in the car, allow an additional twenty minutes for the tantrum. If you arrive early, do something nice like read some stories in the car. If you don't, never mind.

Welcome to the terrible 2s.

He's just trying to assert independence.

Solidarity OP, mine is 2 years 7 months and an absolute nightmare atm. So contradictory just to assert himself.

Mine is still like this and is nearly 6 😳absolutely everything is a battle every day, it’s so draining! I’ll echo advice already given, not too many words or choices at that age. If he doesn’t want to wash his hands, fine you don’t bake. You’ll still have the tantrum but at least you’re not battling wills with him. I am notoriously late to everything because my DS is such a nightmare and I have to play the ‘ok we just won’t go then’ card and crack on with housework while he screams at me half dressed! I always offer a cuddle when he’s finished throwing his toys out the pram and ask if he needs help with whatever it was we were originally doing. It’s like a control/power thing and quite common but some children just take it to the next level! (I have 3, he is BY FAR the worst for this)

I’d also add it sometimes helps to give them age appropriate choices, ie we are getting dressed now would you like the blue or red t-shirt? Once you’ve washed your hands would you like to make cookies or cupcakes? it hands back some of that power/control without too much choice.

While although alot of this behaviour is unacceptable, it is pretty normal.
Boys under 6 can have alot of testosterone in their system which can make it very hard for them to manage their emotions. At ages 2 and 3 they like to test their boundaries and see what they can and can't get away with. I hate to be the bearer of potential bad news but in my experience the 3s have been worse than the 2s. One day my son will be lovely and helpful and cooperative the next it is like he is possessed by the devil and deliberately being naughty.

School/nursery will also open up new ideas of bad behaviour, ie my son never spat and had never seen us or anyone else spitting, then one day comes home and started spitting.

All you can do it set your rules and boundaries and keep reinforcing them as exhausting as it is. You need to find a way that suits you and your child, whether this be a naughty step, or losing toys, or losing out on privileges ie going to the park that day etc.

If you don't have your boundaries and let him get away with things and break boundaries with no consequences the situations could just get worse and worse.

My son is still eating Easter chocolate, he gets some after dinner if he has been good, he was just about to get some the other evening and he hit my husband so we told him he couldn't have it, well he was screaming about it for about half hour, but we didn't give in and he definitely thought more about the consequences of his actions the next day. I have also found the naughty step quite effective.

Give him choices - are you taking your PJs off or is mummy. He wants control so give it him within set boundaries but with clear simple instructions. He doesn't need to know the consequences of washing his hands he just needs to know it's not an option, but is he doing it himself or are you helping him.

Boys under 6 have tiny amounts of testosterone in their system, in fact they most likely will have less than girls. It’s an old wives tale spread to excuse poor behaviour.

DD’s nursery teacher told me short instructions whilst maintaining eye contact. It did help, plus don’t get flustered, keep calm and repeat. Stick to what you said, it slowly sinks in after a while that you aren’t going to budge so they may as well get on with it. If you give in they will always think theres something to fight for.

Not convinced by the boy thing, DD was FERAL, it was definitely a personality thing, some kids are just more difficult than others.

We like to see it as a sign she won’t be a pushover when she’s older, it helps us cope.

No real advice OP, but I could have literally wrote this post myself. Currently in exactly the same situation with my 2 year 4 month DS1, however I've just had my second and this behaviour started the night we brought DS2 home. Also DS1 started Nursery settling sessions around Easter and this hasn't gone very well at all. We've put the behaviour changes down to new baby brother and having to 'share Mummy'. We are slowly getting better with time. I use the counting to 3 rule and that seems to work most of the time and also picking my battles, agree with some PP, sometimes I just say 'OK' and walk away. I don't have a solution unfortunately but just know you're not alone. X

Behaviour like this alot happens due to electronic devices, too much screen time and ipad time etc. There's alot if parents out there who let their 2 year olds have them and younger so if you're one of them...try taking this away completely and you'll see a huge improvement.

If its not that then ....he's 2. Hard age to say as that's why there called the terrible 2s. Just need to be firm with him and put him in time out. (Again...alot of parents don't like time out but the schools all have it in reception , so will use it and it works)

Give him some control “Shall Mummy turn on the tap or do you want to do it?”. Lots of warning about what is happening next and visual timetables. Strong mints are good to have to focus in keeping yourself calm.

It sounds like there's loads going on for him ATM and for you too. Children are allowed to get angry but it's not OK for him to be hurting you. You could maybe try lowering your voice to a deeper tone and saying very firmly 'stop, this is not ok' then ignore him. If he keeps on I would remove myself from the room he's in saying ' I'll come back when you're finished' . There's some good books to try reading with him like The colour monster, which goes through different emotions in a child friendly way. The thing is not to spend time reasoning with him when he's escalating...you're just feeding the flames by doing that. Ignore and leave bad behaviour, reward and discuss good behaviour. Good luck parenting is hard but you are doing a great job and being a great parent by being so proactive.

Can only go off a study I read, I don't use it as an excuse just saying it may be a reason, but children this age are known for struggling to know how to express their emotions in ways that aren't kicking and screaming etc. I love in hope it gets easier as they get older

It is exhausting, but agree that you have to keep it simple.

Be calm, consistent and don't overthink this. Clear instructions, lots of routine and simple choices.

So, "time to get dressed ". "Blue top or red top?". "Do you want to put it on, or shall mummy help?.

You can't reason with a toddler so stop trying. Do not give too many choices or options, it's too overwhelming. Clear and consistent directions, always. If jumping on the couch isn't allowed, it's never allowed. Tantrums and horrible behaviour are ignored. Say, "I'll be sitting here reading, you can join me when you're feeling better."

He’s about to turn 3 and has just realised that you control absolutely everything he does all day every day and he’s not too impressed by it. It’s totally normal and is just the start of them having their own free will. Give choice wherever you can.. like go and choose which pyjamas you want. Now put them on. Some choice, some non negotiable. But always be prepared for a battle either way 😆

One of mine was just like this. I discovered that if I said OK and asked if he fancied a chat on the phone with (I would suggest an adult who would love a chat) he usually said yes, whilst I was dialling I would say “ oo you could tell them why you are in your pajamas/don’t want mummy to eat a banana/“ my dad would say “ good plan, go to nursery in your pajamas, do you think you will be warm enough?/yes I used to do that when I was a lad because I did not know how to get dressed/ good idea but will your pajamas get caught in your bike? “ He did have a lot of language and was able to have quite complex discussion, sometimes the conversation he had with the other person was quite enlightening! Good luck! I was exhausted but he turned out fine (and I think I did too)😃

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