Help with 2.5 year old challenging behaviour - from a mum on the edge!

[Luna20]

My little boy is 2 year 7 months and over the last few weeks he has just turned in to a completely different child. He's always been fairly strong willed and wanted to do things himself etc and got frustrated. But for the most part we've been able to talk to him and reason and explain things to him and it has really helped him to understand and avoid most tantrums. For example he will not want to wash his hands but I explain to him why it's important to wash hands and that we won't be able to do baking if we don't wash them etc and he usually understands the consequence of that and complies without much fuss. Recently however it is like the devil has taken over him. He is screaming and shouting 'No!' at us constantly at even just the smallest things like taking a wet nappy off. Every single tiny thing is suddenly an almighty battle. Even just 'lets go upstairs to play toys' results in a crazy battle of wills. Getting dressed feels impossible as he fights and fights and I can force him in to his clothes but he just rips them back off again. I usually say something like 'okay, I can see you are having trouble taking your pyjamas off, mummy is going to count to 3 and if you aren't doing it yourself then mummy is going to have to help you' this used to work all of the time and he would do it but now it usually ends with me getting to 3, giving him a chance to do it himself and then having to pull his PJ's off him while he kicks and screams and tries to hit me. But it's everything, getting in the car, getting out the car, having dinner, going out for a walk, he doesn't want to hold hands near a road, getting a bath, washing hands, even just playing with toys etc. every single tiny thing, I feel like I'm treading on egg shells around him as literally anything that I do could just make him explode in anger. He screams at me to go away and tries to tell me where specifically to go. He was having a tantrum earlier and started yelling at me to go away downstairs. He had a full blown fit when I said 'hello' to his dad coming in the door and he hit me because I was sat eating a banana that he suddenly decided he didn't want me to eat 'mummys not hungry mummy don't eat it'. I'm at a complete loss. I have a lot of patience usually and give him time to do things in his own way where I can but the last few weeks I've ended up in tears more days than not. He did start nursery a few weeks ago, just for a few hours a week so I realise a big life change could be the reason behind the behaviour. I am also pregnant so wondering if he's picking up on that too.
Sorry this post is so long, just looking for some solidarity or reassurance my toddler is normal and this isn't just his new horrible personality now. And any tips on how to handle the constant explosions of emotion would be really helpful. Thank you!!

i feel you mine is the same age and we have had some of the same issues my boys first word is always no to any request and he has also done the no hand holding outside and wanting me to go downstairs for no reason just to move into a different room but then when I actually do it starts crying screaming. I’d say it’s definitely them finding their voice and realising they can have a way and be in control. A few things I’ve thought while reading your comment and the replies - with hand holding crossing road that’s a safety thing so with anything like that imo you have to power through , for me I was able for ages to walk round to shops cross a few roads etc holding hands until he started to say no so I had to start gorging a pram , said we’re crossing a road so we have to hold hands if he didn’t do it after me asking a couple of times to be safe I’d put him in pram and explain calmly when we cross roads we hold hands that’s the rules. He got it after a few times and will give me his hand easily he was just testing a boundary but it’s one to be firm but calm on. I’m going on a bit now so il make the rest short - hand washing make it fun - I sometimes fill up the sink or sometimes a big bowl and use bubbly soap so it becomes a wee experience and always give high fives first bumps good job and I do it too and say things like good job mummy we’ve got nice clean hands now haven’t we so we’re doing it together. My boy likes putting his clothes on but I’d he suddenly stopped I would offer choices not too much but this or that I offer choice with shoes otherwise he’s not bothered about his clothes at all yet I’ve tried to ask him what ones but he couldn’t care less and just floats away lol . Be calm, clear and build in routines and let him see you doing them too for example if I take my wee one to the toilet etc and I go today he said wash hands so he’s seen my enough go to the toilet then wash my hands so he knows that’s just what you do . Find times to give him choice what fruit he wants with breakfast etc kids thrive on routines so the same wee things every day that will carry through after you’ve had the baby as well

“It’s ok to cry. Mummy is here”

Then once he has calmed down, talk about it. Toddlers (and adults) cannot be rational when in an emotional state. I usually say “it’s ok to be upset. I hear that you are upset about [tell him what it was so he knows you understand him]. When you are upset you cannot do [undesirable behaviour] but you can try doing [more desirable behaviour eg deep breaths or clenching and unclenching fists]”. Repeat repeat repeat. It’s important to acknowledge his feelings so he feels understood and also to give him coping strategies so he can do better next time. It feels uncomfortable/strange to do this because we were never taught this by our own parents, but it is recommended by many child development experts these days.

Oh and ignore anyone who says “ignore tantrums” or “naughty step” or similar (is it the 80s?). Your child is seeking connection. Ignoring them or abandoning them to deal with their feelings alone is NOT going to help and will likely lead to issues as an adult.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith is an amazing author who has written a lot about this. She also has a very informative Instagram page.

Good luck!

@Luna20 So normal, and so terribly exhausting.

Two options each time.

• "You put pj bottoms on or mummy put pj bottoms on?"
• "You hold my hand, or be carried?"

I usually give one option that's less appealing that what I want her to do.

With tantrums, I don't reason. I sit next to her on the floor and just let her know I'm there, she screams it out and within 2 minutes emotion is over and we get back to whatever it was we were doing.

Every single thing we do is a battle right now!