Traumatic response to 4 year old

[Dreamingofhazelnuts]

There is so much to this story. I have been in therapy for years for PTSD from a previous relationship and thought I was really well healed from it.

My 4 year old son for some reason has this habit of grabbing me by the throat. He says he likes to "get the cold" off my neck. It triggers me so badly. We do gentle parenting so I have spoken at length to my son about this and how I don't like it. I've asked him to rather touch my face or my arms etc. he willl do it when I pick him up from pre school, whilst I am asleep, in the bath - literally hundreds of times EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Yesterday I said to him "I don't want to shout but from now on every time you grab my neck I'm going to shout at you because I need you to stop doing it". This morning I woke up with my throat being grabbed, and by 8:30 in the morning I was literally in a heap sobbing cause I couldn't take it anymore. I am reliving the worst moments of my life over and over every single day from the person I love the most.

I have tried everything to make him stop. Every approach I can think of but I can't take it anymore. I don't know why he does this or where he learned it from but I need it to stop. I can't keep being woken up with hands around my throat.

We have the most non violent home, no shouting - we try to handle all conflict in the most loving and respectful way. My son has never experienced violence from us so I just don't understand this. He is so sweet and kind and usually very emotionally intelligent - this one thing aside!

Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He gets a response from you, it’s become a ‘thing’ he thinks it’s funny. Are you able to ignore it for awhile and just move away from him? To be honest I’d have more of a reaction than that, but I’m quite loud anyway!

Did you carry out your threat to shout? I don’t mean scare the living daylights out of him by bawling, but you are allowed to raise your voice and be firm.

https://visiblechild.com/2015/07/20/limit-setting-grabbing/

It’s a boundary that your son needs to learn. There’s a song that I used to play to my reception classes called - boundaries by skip hop, it’s slightly American but it gets the point across.

I think having a consequence is the right way to do it, but shouting doesn’t seem to be answer. I would try time out, immediate consequence.

Stop gentle parenting for this kne aspect of his behaviour as its clearly not working.
Give a stated consequence agreed by you and partner and follow through every single time. It must be instant and something your child does not like.
Reduce the amount of language you use. Agree on the language and use consistently e.g. "no. Stop. 1.2.3. (Then consequence)"
Every time child wants to do it, teach them to do something else. E.g. fetch you a scarf (if less triggering), clap their hands. Act this scenario out with husband vocalising your thought processes, husband playing child.
E.g. you pretend sleep, husband walks up and says "oooh, I can see mummy. Mummy looks cold. I want to touch her neck. Mummy says no. What can I do. What can I do. I can fetch a scarf. I can fetch a scarf." Then play Act how happy you are when husband does this, and massively massively praise your son when he does this instead.

You can also google socail stories, they r used to support children with tons of different behaviours, you can download a template and make it into a little book with "teddybears" instead of people but basically the same scenario. Draw how the "teddybear mummy" feels with paws on her neck (age appropriate) using speech bubbles. E.g. teddybear child "i love you mummy" traddybeae mummy "ow ow ow it hurts" then happy ending alternative. Read together at separate times and discuss, do funny voices and "oh how silly, teddybear BAABY! we DONT touch NECKS! HAHAHA! Im so glad (sons name) is gentle! (Sons name) always fetches me a scarf instead.

This is from my teaching but would work too, next to your bed, stick up two images to remind your child its not OK, as he may forget first thing in morning.

1. A simple red circle with hand and line through it could work? Then he sees this each morning to remind him what to do and what not to do
2. A simple image of a scarf instead.

Or whatever agreed alternative is (clap your hands stroke your head, sing a song) You could put these images into the social story book too, to doubly reinforce

You need to firmly establish your boundaries: tell him off and give him consequences every single time he does it. DS had to find a corner to stand in for 3 minutes every time he hit me & now he has stopped completely.

If behaviours continue, I would go down the route of a sticker chart with stickers kn for every time he makes the safe choice, but remove or cross out a sticker for every time he makes the unsafe choice.
First week 5 stickers=a reward, special extra time with mummy, pound shop toy, an incelolly
Build it up to 10 sticker=a treat one one A4 sheet of paper is full.

Before starting, involve him jn setting up the chart-go and buy the stickers together, he chooses which ones, you could print out with his favourite TV character on etc. And big it up like its a positive eg "now that you are a BIG boy, we can do EXTRA FUN things together. This is how it works." Then play act with teddies and if necessary make a chart for his favourite toy too so he can play act the neck scenario with that toy and he can control how it pans out.

Every time he does it, get up calmly and say ‘no thank you’ and walk out of the room. He will soon realise he gets no attention from it.

I think it's about attention, he's getting such a reaction from this that he keeps doing it. I would dial it back completely. When he reaches out for your neck move his hands away and say 'I don't like that' and turn your back/move away from him. When he reaches out in a better way, for a cuddle or to hold hands, make sure to smile, make eye contact and chat with him.

Hes 4, and assuming no sen, he's old enough for you to tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't like it and it needs to stop now.

Gentle parenting clearly isn't working in thus respect. Raise your voice and be firm, reduce the chat. Add a consequence every time.

Also, look up child development. You mention you have talked at length about it with him, maybe check your language?
Simple is best. Repetitive is best. That way it's boring for him and less attention for him, you want to flood him with attention for positives not negative behaviours.

"No. Stop. Ow. .1.2.3 (consequence)"

Possible consequences:
Have a confiscation box, pick up a toy, put it in. Repeat. Toys r gone for a week/earned back.

Time out in corner with a visible children's timer (amazon), when it beeps he can come out.

Sticker chart approach mentioned before.

I hope thisnhelps and am sorry if I'm sending too much info.

He enjoys it because he gets a strong reaction and he has learned that you can't stop him doing it. Of course you can actually stop him and you need to do so immediately and consistently, not with shouting or an extreme response, or by giving him lots of discussion and attention as before, but with a sharp brief "NO", lift him away from you, busy yourself with something else, and he doesn't get back near you or get your attention until he is doing something acceptable instead.

We do gentle parenting

There is your problem

I’m all for gentle parenting but it is absolutely essential that your son respects your physical boundaries, otherwise how will he learn to respect his own and those of others as he grows up?

It’s fine to have a strong reaction to a four year old putting their hands round your neck - it’s dangerous! He is old enough to understand that he’s crossing a line, that everyone’s body belongs to them, and that he has to respect that.

Have you tried "That's not gentle, DS . In this house we are gentle with each other. Mummy can't play if you aren't gentle." Then get up and walk away.

Sorry but this.

He needs firm unpleasant consequences.

My 2 year old knows for example:
we dont grab hair
we are always gentle woth the dog and the baby.

At 4 he should NOT be doing this.

The fact you are letting yourslef get to panic attack stage because you have signed up to some ineffective parenting ethos (& in your case it IS ineffective because your child isnt listening to you) is not right or fair to you.
Ywbu to let this continue.

In terms of what to do, practically:

I think it’s fine for him to see that it really upsets you and it’s not ok. It’s fine to say ‘STOP! that is dangerous and i don’t like it’ and let him see you are upset/serious. Physically, firmly remove his hands from your neck, every time. Then say ‘we do not do that. it is not acceptable’ and MEAN IT. Putting your hands round someone’s neck is a non-negotiable safety and boundary issue - you wouldn’t let him run into traffic, and you need to respond to this in the same way so he knows it’s a Big Deal.

Eta - think of it this way: by modelling that it’s ok to firmly say ’no’ when your physical boundaries are being crossed, you’re teaching him that it’s ok for him to do the same and that our bodies belong to us. You’re keeping him safe.

We gentle parent (which is basically just not being a dick to your child, doesn't mean they run riot) and in this situation I would sternly say "I'm moving you away because you grabbed my neck and I don't like it. You can play by yourself because we can't play together if you're not gentle. I need to stay safe". And then either leave or ignore until I felt calmer. Def need consistent boundaries though.
And just to add, obviously you're seeing it through a history of PTSD. But your child isn't necessarily being violent, so don't worry about where he's got it from.

Yeah I do gentle parenting but also there's a limit and at this point he's not responding to it at all and you need to change your approach to meet the needs of both you and your child. A short, sharp NO and then withhold attention by leaving the situation will probably work quite well and quickly. Sorry you're going through this.

Gentle parenting is about being clear and consistent and kind to your children, while still being the parent and teaching them how to behave in a society. It’s not about letting them do whatever they want and cross boundaries.

I'm sorry but I rolled my eyes at gentle parenting.

It is not acceptable to touch anyone's neck ever. The fact that you let him do it more than once is the problem.

Having boundaries and enforcing them is incredibly important for children, what if your son decides to touch the necks of children at school? Or his teachers neck? Or a cousin?

I've not been in an abusive relationship but I would freak out if someone touched my neck!

If it were my son I'd say, 'you do not touch mummy's neck or anyone on the neck ever again. Do you understand? If you do touch someone's neck you will lose toy/tv/bedtime story etc'

When words are not enough there needs to be a consequence to follow through.

I don't know that it's necessarily about attention, I suspect it's a sensory thing that he finds soothing. Our 3yo loves to rub our ears and gives out if they're not cool enough. She's done it since she was a baby and I'm wondering if it's similar for your boy - he would've spent so much time snuggled up near your neck as a baby.

Nonetheless, we can't play with people's necks, that's not ok. Talk to him about where else is cool.

I think it's fine to get a bit angry about this - you've told him time and time again that you don't want him doing it. I don't do gentle parenting though.

I agree that a firm, calm as you can manage and no further discussion response is best. Remove his hand and say “I cannot let you grab my neck, I don’t like it and it hurts”. You have to actually take his hand off immediately if he won’t.

It’s all got very fraught for understandable reasons and I feel for you, I can’t cope with anyone touching my neck for good reason though I don’t have PTSD.

But you need to react in the same way to this as you would to any other dangerous or unpleasant thing he’d do to you or another child.

Agreed.

It’s insane that so many parents place such value on their kids having ‘bodily autonomy’ yet let said kids climb on them, elbow them in the face, grab at them, put their hands round their neck and so on.

There is no world in which I am telling a 4 year “I need to stay safe” 🙄

total clap trap.

If that’s gentle parenting you can keep it….

I don't think this is a gentle/firm parenting thing.. there is nothing wrong with gentle parenting when done correctly and plenty wrong with firm parenting when done incorrectly. I think you're just expecting too much of him with your lengthy discussions. 'No, I don't like that' and move away. Then carry on with your day. Every time. Do not give the behaviour any attention, positive or negative. No need for shouting/time outs.