Traumatic response to 4 year old

[Dreamingofhazelnuts]

There is so much to this story. I have been in therapy for years for PTSD from a previous relationship and thought I was really well healed from it.

My 4 year old son for some reason has this habit of grabbing me by the throat. He says he likes to "get the cold" off my neck. It triggers me so badly. We do gentle parenting so I have spoken at length to my son about this and how I don't like it. I've asked him to rather touch my face or my arms etc. he willl do it when I pick him up from pre school, whilst I am asleep, in the bath - literally hundreds of times EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Yesterday I said to him "I don't want to shout but from now on every time you grab my neck I'm going to shout at you because I need you to stop doing it". This morning I woke up with my throat being grabbed, and by 8:30 in the morning I was literally in a heap sobbing cause I couldn't take it anymore. I am reliving the worst moments of my life over and over every single day from the person I love the most.

I have tried everything to make him stop. Every approach I can think of but I can't take it anymore. I don't know why he does this or where he learned it from but I need it to stop. I can't keep being woken up with hands around my throat.

We have the most non violent home, no shouting - we try to handle all conflict in the most loving and respectful way. My son has never experienced violence from us so I just don't understand this. He is so sweet and kind and usually very emotionally intelligent - this one thing aside!

Thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Why? I need to stay safe crossing the road, taking medicine, driving...the vast majority of boundaries for kids and adults are about staying safe.

He's 4, and he grabs your neck 'hundreds of times' each day, even when you're asleep? That's completely unacceptable.

The frequency with which he's doing this suggests that he enjoys your reaction?

I'd get your h involved. Your h needs to be awake before you and stop your 4yo waking you. That sounds horrible. And you need to be really firm about it.

If he's this bad at listening to you and respecting your boundaries, what's he like at nursery and with other people? He needs to learn that other people's bodies are off limits.

Whilst I don't think I'm a monster I don't consider myself someone who does gentle parenting. If my daughter did this she would get a short, sharp NO, I'd physically move her away and I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that we don't do that and if she did it again there would be no television that day. She knows I mean it so that invariably stops behaviour I don't want.

If he starts doing this to other children it will quickly become a serious problem. You have to get him to stop now. Real consequences are needed.

Why not? Children need to learn that putting your hands round someone's neck is dangerous. How do you think they learn this if no one tells them that. It's not just that people don't like it.

It’s such a precious way to phrase it….

We don't shout in this house, we never smack, never show aggression but in this case, you need to raise your voice, implement consequences or whatever it takes to let him know that what he is doing is completely unacceptable. I would absolutely not stand for this.

He is 4 years old, not 1 or 2, he understands consequences, reactions and boundaries and it is your job to reinforce these as many times as you need to until you get the message across loud and clear.

I would sit him down and tell him that if he continues to grab anyone by the neck then he will not be for example, having a biscuit after dinner, a bedtime story etc and then if he did it, It would be a very firm/loud "NO" or "STOP" from me and move him away, explain that he will now not be getting a biscuit after dinner and follow through with the consequence.

Everytime he does it, I’d say loudly, Stop, no thank you. Walk away and don’t engage with him for 3 or 4 minutes. He will soon get the message that he isn’t getting any attention if he does it,

It appears to have become a 'big thing' and he will be feeding off the attention this is getting him. You need to calm your reaction. When he goes to grab your throat, take hold of his hand and say 'No' in a firm, calm voice - then immediately distract him, for example 'let's put the laundry on now, let's go and make breakfast, let's take the dog out for a walk etc. Try not to make a big thing of it, you are giving it too much power. Calm no and distract every single time (consistency is important) and the behaviour will reduce over time. Stick with it OP and it will be ok 💐

You're doing gentle parenting wrong, young children don't understand a long spiel about why they shouldn't do something, you redirect and give praise. Everytime he touches your neck you remove his hand with a short, sharp "No" and place it where you are happy with him touching you, you give him lots of attention when he goes for the permitted spot on his own, and if he keeps going for your neck after the initial "No." In an episode you get up and move away

He's four, not 12 months. He can understand more than that.

Wtf is all this gentle parenting when he's grabbing you by the throat??

He needs a bloody good telling

At that age my son punched me on the arm. He got such a rollicking that guess what, he never did it again

Stop pussyfooting around and parent your child

Stop, no thank you

^

Why are you saying thank you?

🤔

How about no reaction or words or emotion but just firmly and briefly knocking his hands away and avoiding eye contact ? Just repeating ad nauseum without changing your reaction. Then he won't be getting any attention or anything positive at all but the "no" will be clear?

Sounds so hard OP, good luck.

A loud “DONT YOU DARE!!” Then remove him immediately from the room, don’t allow him near you for at least 5 minutes, then he has to apologise. If it still carries on the he loses TV time/trip to the park/favourite toy.

Put him on the naughty corner every time he does it