"Your mum" - why does this bother me?

[Sadhappiness]

My daughter got an award at school this week. We got a notification on the school app that we were invited to the assembly where the award would be presented. Her Dad, my ex-husband, couldn't make it but he asked to facetime her this evening. During the call he said "I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but your Mum sent me the video".

I can't work out why I'm irritated by his use of "your mum" as opposed to "Mummy", which is how he's always referred to be before. "Mummy sent me the video", rather than "your Mum sent me the video".

I might be being too precious, and I haven't said anything and I won't, but something about him saying that irritated me. And I can't work out why. I always refer to him as "Daddy" when I'm talking to the children. If I referred to him as "your Dad", I feel like that makes things a bit more separate for the children, which isn't a way I want them to feel.

I don't know. It just instinctively felt wrong when I heard it and I can't quite work out why.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

Kindly, and gently, you're being ridiculous.

WTF.

My husband would say that and we are still together.

I always refer to him as "Daddy" when I'm talking to the children. If I referred to him as "your Dad", I feel like that makes things a bit more separate for the children, which isn't a way I want them to feel.

You are separated.

I think you are assuming it’s about your separation, but it can equally be about kids growing up. You refer to the other parent as “mummy” to young children, but “your mum” to older kids.

Nah, sorry, think you're picking up on something that isn't really there. And you can't police someone else's language, of course.

Well, you're being ridiculous. But we all are at times.

"Your mum" rather than "Mummy" is just a bit more grown up, that's all. My mum would never refer to "Dad" for example, she'd say "your dad" or occasionally even use his name.

My eldest is six and we're finding we're moving gradually from mummy and daddy to mum and dad and I'm sure the "your" will only be a few years behind.

Not a big deal, just a sign they're growing up!

I am “your Dad” and we are still together. I wouldn’t read into that.

Yeah it's a little cold. But very possibly not deliberately so.

I meant that I don't want them to feel separate/distant from their Dad.

Honestly thought you were talking about when your kids and their friends keep saying “your mum” to each other as some sort of devastatingly witty, argument winning comeback. Maybe that’s just my kids. Sigh

Yes I also thought this was going to be about a yo momma joke.

You’re over thinking this.

I agree with the others. Yabu

Would “your mummy” been better than “your mum”? Lots of school age kids use mum rather than mummy and as you’re not ex’s mum, I think it’s fine that he used “your mum”

That's an interesting distinction. I'm 37 and my Mum never said "your Dad", she always says "Dad". Likewise the other way around. Almost as if it's their name, rather than their relation to you. Maybe that's why it felt strange to me.

Why would calling him 'your dad/mum' make them feel more separate from him or you though!? The clue is in the name - your dad/mum.

I say this about my husband and our kids are under 3!
If my daughter asks me something, I might say 'You'll have to go and ask your dad'. I also refer to him as 'daddy' without the 'your' but I find it odd. Like 'Let's go and ask daddy' for example. I'm trying to move away from it. I don't know why it irritates me slightly!
Don't overthink it.

I saw that a few people said you’re being ridiculous BUT I 100% understand this. Wholeheartedly. In a way it’s not that easy to articulate why - I think it’s because it sounds dismissive and not as gentle and kind as Mummy or even just Mum.

YOUR Mum for me gives connotations of divide and of course as you said you don’t want your little ones to feel that. You sound like a lovely Mum. I hope you're okay. It’s hard on your own with kids sometimes. He may not even mean anything by it. But I wanted to let you know I totally understand how you feel. ♥️

Jeez your ex and your children have a lot of fun years to negotiate coming up .

Thank you for the reality check!

I suppose it just sounded a bit weird to me because he's always called me Mummy to them, even years after the divorce, and so going from "Mummy" to "your mum" felt a bit cold. But, I was hoping to be put in my place and be told I'm being ridiculous, so mission accomplished 😂

That's really unfair. I posted this because something about it provoked a reaction in me. I have asked for the opinion of strangers on the Internet rather than reacting to my ex. Something about it didn't sit well with me, but I fully accept that that's about me, not him or my children.

Sorry OP, you don't seem to realise that being reasonable OP and taking posters' points on board isn't actually allowed on MN? You need to dig your heels in and huff and puff some more. Ideally with a ridiculous drip feed.

I know exactly what you mean OK (and have had similar situation). Nothing to do with kids getting older, most parents of adults wouldn't say "your mum", but rather, "Mum" - your name in that context. Yes that's it, saying your mum is like just referring to your role like 'the plumber' rather than Bert. It's depersonalising, almost rude.

Yes of course parents often say "Go and ask your mum" if a child is mithering for something, but that's precisely because they're referring to your role at that point. See also "Your mum's out a lot of effort into cooking the dinner, the least you can do is be in on time!"

I am going to go against the grain and say I understand where you are coming from.

When my DH and I separated I continued calling him "Daddy" when I had any reason to mention him to my DC. It took ages to divorce him because he was in and out of rehab - he's an alcoholic - and his behaviour to me became more and more abusive. My feelings towards him became increasingly distant and I realised I had started referring to him as "your father" to my DC.

This was nothing to do with them getting older and everything to do with my feelings towards him. "Daddy" was the person I had loved and had children with. "Your father" was someone I no longer loved and no longer shared anything with.

I am not saying your relationship is anything like mine, but I do think you are right in feeling that the change in name may reflect a change in his feelings towards you. Which may or may not be a good thing.

I'm not sure I even understand this, I'm still with my husband but like a PP I would say 'go and ask your dad' or 'your dad is taking you to rugby' or whatever. My kids are all still young, one isn't even at school, but I would still say it like that.

I think you're reading way too much into it.

You've hit the nail on the head. We have always referred to each other as "Mummy" or "Daddy" when talking to the children since we separated, never reduced it to our role. I think that was the difference in what I picked up on today. Which is a bit shit when I'm the primary parent but I refer to him as "Daddy" to the children.

We've been separated/divorced for a long time. The change in the way he's referring to me to the children felt very odd. I don't care how he sees me, but I do care if there is something the kids might pick up on. Fine if he's just changing his language. I suppose I wondered if I was picking up on something else - him trying to distance me from the kids. As you say, he's still calling me their Mum (although they've never called me Mum, always Mummy).

As I say, I'm probably being ridiculous, it just stood out to me so I posted to see if I'm being ridiculous. The consensus seems to be that I am and that's reassuring in some ways.