"Your mum" - why does this bother me?

[Sadhappiness]

My daughter got an award at school this week. We got a notification on the school app that we were invited to the assembly where the award would be presented. Her Dad, my ex-husband, couldn't make it but he asked to facetime her this evening. During the call he said "I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but your Mum sent me the video".

I can't work out why I'm irritated by his use of "your mum" as opposed to "Mummy", which is how he's always referred to be before. "Mummy sent me the video", rather than "your Mum sent me the video".

I might be being too precious, and I haven't said anything and I won't, but something about him saying that irritated me. And I can't work out why. I always refer to him as "Daddy" when I'm talking to the children. If I referred to him as "your Dad", I feel like that makes things a bit more separate for the children, which isn't a way I want them to feel.

I don't know. It just instinctively felt wrong when I heard it and I can't quite work out why.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous.

I absolutely understand you. Your feelings are absolutely valid and they make sense. I imagine the less empathetic replies as is the usual on MN are because in the grand scheme of things, there are bigger fish to fry - particularly when co parenting.

The change in language almost signals a disconnect now between you all. There's still a feeling of unity, we're in this together as a family, albeit a separated one with more personal language like mummy etc. I get it 100,%. This is why I still say " oh ask dad' or ' maybe dad will know '. We are separated btw. I am now referred to as ' check with your ma'. 🤷‍♀️😬

There are huge undertones in our use of language. Sometimes it's not intentional say when they're older and mummy doesn't feel right. My above example with my own situation screams to me disconnect, a demarcation between us and I just have to let it go. Not much you can do really without looking neurotic.

In my family, my mum and dad always said Mummy or Daddy referring to each other. Like it's their name they still do now in their seventies.

When I first met my now DH family, I was really shocked that they always used actual names when addressing each other and 'your mum', 'your dad' when talking to their kids about each other.

Over time, I grew to prefer DH's family's way of doing it, and that's what we do with our own kids. We use our own names when addressing each other and with the kids say 'your dad will pick you up', 'your mum is at work' or whatever.

Now I find it really jarring when I hear other people call each other mummy or daddy as if that's their name - even though that was normal to me for most of my life!

So please don't take it to heart. The difference is odd at first for sure, but it's not weird that your ex doesn't use 'mummy' as thought its your name anymore. I would expect that to be honest since you're not together anymore. You're not his mummy. And your name is not actually mummy.

When my ex wanted to be dismissive he would refer to me as “your mother “ that’s much more distant . I think using your mum is just a sign the children are growing up . Don’t overthink it .

There's no need for him to say 'your mum' as they know Dad is talking about you. It's not like just saying mum/mummy would illicit the response, who's mum are you talking about!?

I'm afraid I just really don't see the issue at all here.

So, I am in the "you're being ridiculous" camp.

That Sounds to me without reading or knowing anything else as pretty positive co-parenting from both of you, so well done. That is so difficult to achieve. The messaging from her dad to DD was your mum bothered to send me the video (tick). Although he couldn't attend, he still bothered to face time and talked to his DD about the event. Does anything else matter this time?

Exactly, @WildBear !

Looking at this from another angle. When talking about my partners parents I always say "your mum/dad" rather than Jane/John. Both would be right and when talking to my parents about my partners parents I use their names. At home in interchangeably use daddy Vs your daddy with my 3yo