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Original poster

12 year old struggling with intrusive thoughts

38 replies

Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 21:29

Hi all
My 12 year old has been struggling with intrusive thoughts for 6 months.
He tells us his mind says different things. As if his mind is talking to him and putting things in his head.
He has recently agreed to see someone about the thoughts.
A new one at the minute is his mind keeps telling him he’s gay but he said he doesn’t fancy boys he fancies girls, but he’s head just keeps saying he’s gay.
I’ve already told him time and time again that to us it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not, it doesn’t change you as a person and we’ll love him no matter what!
He always confesses to us if he thinks he needs to tell us something that’s happened, wether it was last week or last year, it’s like he has to get it off his chest.
When he gets said thoughts he tends to fall down a rabbit hole and gets more and more, he also ends up really upset.
im really at a loss and hate seeing him get so upset
I was just wondering if there was any advice on how to help him or any ideas for coping mechanisms.

Thanks in advance

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Mischance · 25/04/2024 21:31

Are all the intrusive thoughts gender related?

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 21:32

@Mischance not all, but a lot are

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Veryverycalmnow · 25/04/2024 21:48

I had intrusive thoughts and a counsellor asked me to try and challenge the thoughts with logic, like if I was thinking, 'everyone is talking about me and thinks I'm rubbish,' I would try to challenge it with 'what evidence do I have for that?' and, 'i don't know why I thought that, I actually do really well with xyz and they have given me compliments etc' another one was just the word nope when I felt a silly thought coming which I never believed would work but it kind of did.
This was part of a personalised CBT program that worked for me.

Understanding that it is totally normal for our brains to sometimes do this kind of thing is important and we can get better when we get 'stuck' in thought patterns like this.

I hope it passes soon. Mental health is similar to physical health in that for a while something can take over and feel like it is holding us back/ ruining our lives and it can then go away and we are fine again.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
Susieblue18 · 25/04/2024 21:57

Sounds like a form of ocd. Google ocd intrusive thoughts and read up a bit about the type of things he’s been experiencing. It might help to then explain to him that these thoughts are common in a condition called ocd and it’s his brain playing tricks on him etc. I would also speak to his GP so he can be referred for cbt. Reassure him that there are things that can help and exercises for his brain to stop these thoughts. It’s brilliant that he’s felt able to talk to you as I’m sure many children and adults keep these things to themselves.

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:04

@Veryverycalmnow Thank you for replying and thank you for those ideas to try. We have tried go away, but they just don’t stop.
he is about to start counselling, so I’m hoping this will help
it broke my heart earlier, he said I just want to be able to enjoy my childhood and this is ruining it 😩

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Lovelyview · 25/04/2024 22:05

Most people get intrusive thoughts but some people focus on those thoughts and are disturbed and worried by them. You say he's agreed to talk to someone - hopefully this is a counsellor who can help him deal with feeling upset. See if he can treat the intrusive thoughts as something separate to him. As @Veryverycalmnow says, he can challenge the logic of the thought or just say to that part of his brain: 'that's not a helpful thing to say'. He could also try to mock the thought and say how ridiculous it is. He could also try something which occupies his brain so the thoughts are pushed away such as a computer game with lots of puzzles to solve or a hobby which is very immersive such as climbing or drama.

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:08

@Susieblue18 Thank you for replying, yes I’ve googled a lot previously and have read into a lot of things. I just wanted peoples personal coping mechanisms to see if there was one that would help. Tonight we’ve tried the 3-3-3 anxiety technique to see if this helps.
I am so lucky he is so open with us, he is about to start private counselling so I’m hoping this will really help him. Our GP wait times are ridiculous.

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Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:12

@Lovelyview thank you for replying, yes he’s about to start counselling, so I’m really hoping this will help.
thank you for the ideas, he tries mocking it but it just never stops. My heart breaks for him. He must feel exhausted with it.
I just wish I could take it away

OP posts:
Susieblue18 · 25/04/2024 22:20

My son has had intrusive type thought though of a different type. From the reading I have done, the more someone tries to put the thoughts out of their mind the harder it becomes. What about trying to give the thoughts a silly name then if one pops into his head he just accepts it as ‘oh it’s just …….playing tricks I’m not going to fight it or push it away but just accept that it doesn’t mean anything, thoughts are just a bunch of nerves and I can just ignore these ones.’

FlexIt · 25/04/2024 22:22

I’m not sure ordinary counselling will be the right treatment if these are intrusive thoughts. You may want to look at CBT which will give him the tools to get rid of or be less affected by the thoughts.

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:25

@Susieblue18 thank you for your reply.
yes I’ve read that too, it’s such a vicious circle isn’t it!
I’ll give that a go, thank you so much

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ThePure · 25/04/2024 22:26

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tzUoXJVI0wo

You could try to explain to him about how the more you pay attention to a thought the bigger and scarier it gets eg try a thought experiment of timing yourselves thinking only about your big toe for 1 minute. You will likely find that you notice sensations in it that you never did before because of over attending to it.

The trick is not to try to suppress the thought as it makes it bigger just to notice it and let it pass on by like the Sushi train.

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:26

@FlexIt thanks, yes his counsellor has trained in CBT too

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 25/04/2024 22:27

I'd recommend a child psychologist rather than Counselling for intrusive thoughts.

ThePure · 25/04/2024 22:29

Distraction is probably the best temporary thing you can do by doing something nice, talking to someone about something else or imagining a happy place to go to in his mind.

Original poster
Spaghetti2 · 25/04/2024 22:30

@ThePure Thank you for replying, and thank you for that video too!
that is such a great idea, thank you

OP posts:
Fiesole8 · 25/04/2024 22:37

First time posting. I had CBT for intrusive thoughts and what helped for me has been mentioned by PP - not suppressing the thought, but instead recognising it and saying “oh, here’s an intrusive thought” and then letting it “drift” by (like you’d watch clouds drifting by). This diminishes the thought’s importance in the mind as well as the fear of expecting intrusive thoughts to occur in the first place. Also realising that intrusive thoughts happen to many people and that I wasn’t alone in experiencing them.

Fawful · 25/04/2024 22:41

Totally feel for you, the period when DS developed intrusive thoughts was so traumatic. We were lucky, maybe, and managed to beat it in a few months using logic, just slowly explaining what I'd read in books (Brain Lock was one of them) recommended by the charity OCD UK on their website and forum.
My DS's intrusive thoughts started with him wondering how he could be sure he wasn't a Christian (we're an agnostic family, absolutely uninterested in religion, it rarely comes up). Like you I kept on telling him that he was free to explore religion if he wanted etc, but like your DS, he wasn't interested in religion as such, it was more about certainty and identity. He was also worried he may be racist, again while being quite sure he wasn't and didn't want to be. I explained that he can be as sure as he can be that he is agnostic if that's how he feels, and that 100% certainty isn't necessary in anything. That was explained more clearly in Brain Lock.
I called OCD UK too, they said that it's very common for OCD to start with questions around identity (as it seems was the case for both our DSs!). Great charity, they may be able to help you too.
DS was also relieved to look at the list of common intrusive thoughts that most people have, at the end of Brain Lock. I think he was pretty sure his thoughts were the worse anyone had ever had, poor thing.
By the time his appointment with a psychiatrist came up, he no longer fulfilled the criteria for OCD; it's now become a non-issue for him (I'm aware these things can possibly come back?). So there is hope! DS was 13 at the time and just turning 14.
Hope your DS finds relief really soon.

OttoandHoney · 25/04/2024 22:42

I had these too. One thing that helped is knowing that everyone has awful thoughts from time to time (I had terrible ones about killing people etc) the fact it upsets you shows that these are thoughts that are HAPPENING to you not that you are controlling. You would never act on them so just let them drift past.

ThePure · 25/04/2024 23:02

Yes that idea that no-one can ever be 100% certain about anything is an important one. The drive to be certain in a way that's actually impossible is a big maintenance factor in all kinds of anxiety. Reassurance and seeking reassurance is actually very maintaining too so you could say things like 'well we don't know if you will turn out to be gay or straight or somewhere in between. It's not possible for anyone to be certain as most people have a mixture of feelings. It does feel uncomfortable when things aren't certain and that's OK.'

Higgeldypickeldy · 25/04/2024 23:11

I have this, tell him it's a lot more common than he thinks, lots of people have them at some point in their life but learn to manage it that it becomes not much of a problem at all and can be managed when it does pop up.

The way it was explained to me is the brain is sensing threat and the brain loves nothing more than trying to solve a problem. As a result your mind gets into a dialogue with itself where its trying to make sense of these thoughts and what it means. From that point on your fighting a losing battle as you'll never win or you'll get a quick relief but it will come back. The key I think is to realising the thoughts are not a threat, and you can be taught how to take away that fight or flight response that incudes panic attacks etc.

I would recommend a specialist OCD psychologist of you can get one. There are also some really good websites out there...it might be helpful to sit and look at some of these with your DS as it can help him feel like he's not going 'crazy', it is common and can be managed and get better.

Look up window of tolerance.when he is out of his window of tolerance he can't think and rationalise well. His key goal at that point is just to get back into the green zone, through distraction such as exercise etc. And spend time when he is is in the green zone talking about coping mechanisms etc....practice them when he is feeling okay.

It's great that he is talking so openly about them....don't be surprised if the content of the thoughts get worse before they get better....its just his mind trying to find a threat that will stick but the thoughts are meaningless.

It is shit to deal with though, big big unmumsnetty hugs to you both

WinterDeWinter · 25/04/2024 23:21

counselling will absolutely not help with intrusive thoughts or any serious mental health issue. Counselling is one step on from an evening class qualification

Op, you need a psychodynamic child and adolescent psychotherapist - not a cbt therapist who will only address the symptoms not the underlying issues. And definitely not a counsellor

MoonlightMedicine · 25/04/2024 23:22

We are going through this with my ten year old DD. She has a therapist and is now diagnosed with OCD. Her intrusive thoughts are mostly sexual but have also been around self harm. Very heavy subjects for a little girl, and like your DS she is so upset and says it's ruining her childhood :(

We've found this book a game changer and I found it via the author's YouTube channel... search for Natasha Daniels on YouTube.

amzn.eu/d/eF7erur

InvisibleDuck · 25/04/2024 23:25

I went through something very similar at age 8. Some of the thoughts were odd but harmless, some did involve violence. I had to 'confess' all of them -in my case I think it was triggered by being told that thinking something bad was just as sinful as doing it, because God knew.

My mother reacted very badly at first - responded as if my admission that I had the intrusive thought that I was physically capable of badly hurting a much younger child (and being horrified by said thought) was the same as saying that I wanted to do it. This only heightened my distress! I'd definitely go with the approach that everyone has thoughts like this, you don't control them, and it doesn't make you bad to have them or mean there's something wrong with you.

Mine was cured by homeopathy, of all things - which I think was a powerful placebo since I was told that it was medicine that would stop the thoughts from bothering me - and at 8 I believed that. Might be more difficult at 12, but others on the thread have shared some good ideas. I hope you find a solution that works! It can't be easy for either of you to deal with.

MoonlightMedicine · 25/04/2024 23:27

And just to add, my DD has 'confession OCD' as it is known so (like your DS) she confesses all kinds of things to me. It's often inconsequential stuff. As the confessing is a compulsion/ritual, we limit it to a daily check-in. At one point she was coming to me 7 or 8 times a day with different confessions.

Since limiting to a daily check-in, it has got so much better. In fact her last confession was days ago!

Anyway, sending sympathy because I know how awful it is for everyone involved.