Toddler rejects mom - please help

[Numbug]

I have an almost 2 year old child who has been rejecting me in favor of his dad for many months. People tell me it's a phase but that doesn't help me deal with the challenges I have with it, however long it lasts. My toddler insists that his dad must do absolutely everything: change him, bathe him, dress him, switch lights on or off, close the curtains, shut the door, and so on. You might say that sounds like it makes my life easier, but really it prevents me just parenting my son when his father is around, and when I'm alone with him, it makes it really difficult to get anything done as my son wants his dad anyways. If I try to do things, he has a huge tantrum, almost every time.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this or has advice on how to deal with it. Up until now we have usually just had my partner do things to avoid the tantrum and I take a back seat, but I'm so tired of this, I'm feeling powerless and I'm tempted to start refusing to give in, and insist that I will do things, and let him have the tantrum.

Any suggestions on what will help me be able to get on with things without leading to a tantrum every time? Should I just wait it out and let my partner do it all, or should I put my foot down and wait out the tantrums in the hope my son will realize this can't continue?

Obviously it makes me feel very sad that he rejects me, and it also makes parenting even more stressful.

My partner and I work similar hours and both spend a similar amount of time with our child.

Please help me out if you have advice.

I have no advice but I'm in a similar situation but the opposite way around. My 18mo DD is completely obsessed with me at the moment and it seems to be increasing, if my DH is around she will actively refuse him to do anything with her (apart from play) and she wants me for absolutely everything. I feel awful for my DH because he offers to do things constantly but gets shot down, I know he feels a bit rejected and saddened although he hides it very well.

I don't want her to be upset or ever feel rejected by me, but feel that maybe I'm making it worse also? It's so tough to know what to do, especially if it is just a phase, as it could just be an essential developmental stage where they are developing some kind of secure attachment, which needs to be nurtured appropriately.

Thanks for your reply @EndoEnd

I struggle with it even more because I know it tends to be the other way round with the mother being preferred over the dad, as you describe. It makes me feel as if I have somehow failed because he prefers his dad. I just want us to parent him equally.

Hi OP I've been through exactly the same but different age range. My son was 8 months when he started this and now at 18months the tables started to turn. Some one once said play it cool with him don't let it show it bothered you and that actually worked with my son. I am slowly becoming the 'fave' so to speak and my son is wanting me to do absolutely everything, and now I'm the first person he cries for over everything when it had been daddy for an absolute awful long time. I think it's just a phase is really true but timelines and the timescales for these things really might not be same for everyone so you probably feel you can't relate to others. Ride it out, it does get better

Take this from someone who reached out to the gp because of how low/inadequate I was feeling from it

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low about it. I think it's important to know that it's nothing you have or haven't done. I genuinely think they do just go through random weird phases with each parent, and I do think it's a bond strengthening process.

It's a common phase and likely because he trusts you implicitly.

It's very difficult on you though

I had this and I wish I had taken my daughter away for a fortnight, just the two of us.

Thank you for the responses, I feel better already being able to share about it.

@Cas112 glad to hear things got better for you. I try to not seem bothered by it but I don't think I'm doing a very good job there. With your son did you just act like it didn't bother you or did you also just let his dad do it all? It just makes me feel redundant and is really tough when my partner isn't around to get anything done.

I have thought about this, or sending my partner away for a little while, but it could be a tough ride!

Hi OP,
I know how you feel. My little boy is 16 months and has been in and out of this phase a few times. I read on line that they do this with dad sometimes because they know you will always be there and they are a bit more insecure with the other parent. You're their safe base. This really helped me and I have noticed that if I take a step back, laugh along with all the playing that I seem to not be involved with, provide the snacks and sit on the floor with him, he comes back to me. Especially if he's tired, needs some downtime or just doesn't want the hectic play anymore. I encourage him to get a book (which no longer needs encouragement) and we cuddle and read. It took me ages to get to this point though so just be patient and stay with it. Unfortunately, we're the ones who do the stuff that keep them alive but maybe isn't that fun 😆

There was times I definitely didn't do a good job of not showing it. There was times I cried myself to sleep over it, times I took the frustration out on my partner and acted like it was his fault, times I imagined that me and my son would never have a bond and he would probably never want anything to do with me and he would go no contact as an adult and other times I just thought it is what it is, let his dad do it

Each day was different in how I dealt with it because the whole situation was just so overwhelming and I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong. But I stopped trying to look for what I had done wrong, realised my baby was just a baby and honestly had no clue what he was doing and just starting soaking in the tiny moments I got where he wanted me to do something for him. Eventually as time went on, there was more and more little moments, now my son has to sit on the kitchen floor right next to my feet when I'm cooking just so he can be with me and i honestly thought I would never have that with him. Everyone would tell me it's just a phase and I hated that saying, but honestly it was. A very annoying soul destroying long one at that 😂

My 2 year old has been like this with me for as long as she’s been able to show preference. It got my partner down (although he was also good at not showing it) and made me feel absolutely exhausted with constantly doing everything and feeling on edge at the risk of tantrums if I didn’t.

In the end we just started putting our foot down with things. So instead of me doing bedtime every night, he took over. The first night she tantrumed, the second night she just cried by the third night she whinged a bit but went to bed with him fine. I have also tried to take a step back when doing things like changing or bathing, and if she demands me to do it I tell her daddy can help you with that too. We also started telling her that mummy and daddy are a team, so if she wants to be in our team with us we have to all do things together. Not sure if that’s the right approach and she still prefers me to do most things, but she’s happier now to let her Dad do them too

Thanks @Cairnmum & @Cas112 it really helps hearing from people who have been there. I am hoping you're right that it could be that he knows he doesn't need to "impress" me and I'm always there for him, because sometimes in his sleep he calls for me or comes to me if he hurts himself...but then his rejection is so strong its hard to believe that 😂

@SavingNotSpending that is really helpful, I was thinking of trying what you've done to see if gradually he realizes he can't call the shots all the time on who does things. Maybe we will give that a go and hope it makes things at least a little easier.

We had this with our dd who is now 5.

She was obsessed with me until 18 mths (after she was done with breast feeding) and then it was daddy only from 18mths to about 2.5 years - was a bit embarrassing when we picked her up from nursery and she will run straight to daddy and ignore me or she will burst out crying if she only sees me there and not daddy. Only wanted daddy for everything and it didn’t matter if I was there or not. I was a bit sad initially but learnt to embrace having more freedom to do my own stuff as it’s very exhausting being the only parent that is “required”.

It's a phase though so don’t worry it will pass. Our DD likes us both equally although still has a slight preference for dad for certain things like reading books to her but she definitely likes me more for bath time and is very affectionate

Yeah I was on eggshells at first but it did work and life is now a lot easier for all of us. Hope it works for you too, I know everyone says it’s just a phase but that doesn’t take away from how difficult it is!

DD1 did this a little when I had DD2, but she wanted me to do everything and DH to do nothing. Wasn’t fair on anyone, DH obviously couldn’t breastfeed DD2, and I couldn’t do everything DD1 wanted so I had to be the one to say no to her. She ultimately was 2 and I didn’t want to encourage this behaviour where she always got her own way.

I did it by giving her choices… do you want daddy to read you a story first or do you want milk with mommy first? She was free to pick, but she knew she had to do both, and she was really accepting of it. The occasion tantrum if she wanted me to do something, but I’d tell her it’s daddy’s turn and stuck to that. She quickly got onboard and I didn’t need to give her options anymore and she was happy for DH to his share and moreover.

In my case it was very extreme, went on for years and affects the bond we have today, even though we are close. It would have been worth a try.

The problem with2 yr olds is that if you let them call the shots, they get power hungry and soon are ruling your lives. I would strongly suggest that 2 or 3 days of epic tantrums are worth establishing that they can prefer something, but they dont get to decide if it happens or not. I started teaching my dc at 2 ish that somethings were a choice and some things were not a choice. Blue or red plate..thats a choice. Who does bathtime…thats not a choice…then I would prewarn before predictably tricky moments started ‘this is not a choice’. It didnt work everytime, but it did work a lot of the time to avert a melt down

Hi, how is the little ones communication and understanding?
I found giving information beforehand seemed to help my daughter so I would say: daddy is going to dress you tomorrow/ put you to bed etc. the provision of information sounds counterintuitive as it means they can have a tantrum then before the act but in my situation she would contest then but it was manageable and I would just reiterate it’s happening etc.

when my little one is insisting on daddy and I’m doing the task. I usually lean into it and say things like oh you want daddy, I understand. You love daddy doing x y z. I love daddy too. Isn’t going to be exciting to show him your fresh pyjamas.

you can try the being firm/ quiet approach and just do that task whilst they have their tantrum but I have not found it effective.

the points above do require some reasonable language and understanding skills but kids often understand more than we give credit forX

dont feel bad about this and don’t blame yourself.

Solidarity here too. I don’t really have any good advice but my 21 month old has been in a strong Daddy phase since around the time she turned 1. I keep reading it’s a phase but it seems a pretty long one with us and is quite upsetting.

I have this. Both my boys prefer their father. They still look for me though for specific things. The way I have handled it is that I agree with them about their dad e.g. 'yes, I agree, it is nice when I can sit next to dad' or 'I agree with you that dad is great' or similar - so acknowledge their feelings (and show them we are not in competition here).

Also for things like bedtime, bathing etc, putting in a strict rota. Normally agree with them that it is great when dad bathes them. But we need to put in a rota. Today it is dad's turn, and tomorrow it is mum's turn and then day after it is dad's turn again. And all through the next day remind them that you are the one bathing them tonight (not too enthusiastically, more in passing e.g. now we are going to eat and then you will have a bath with mum and then we will have some time to play) sort of thing. Could also be a good thing that e.g. the dad is out the 'next day' when it is your turn, so they have no other option, and then continue with the rota after.

Is it a success? Well, they are now 6 and 10 and still prefer their dad :D. But I am accepted to do all tasks needed and I do agree that dad is great :D.

Communication wise it may be worth saying that I speak to my son in French whilst his dad and the rest of his environment speaks English. He seems to understand both languages pretty well. I have asked myself if the language was making this rejection problem worse actually.

@Brambram this is really helpful, thank you I will give your tips a try.

@wishIwasonholiday10 sorry to hear you are struggling with this too!

@Numbug : For me the issue also seemed to start due to language: My DH speaks the community language, while I was the only one around them speaking my language. So it was always easier for them to speak to him than to me. I unfortunately stopped speaking my language. This helped a bit, but as their language skills developed I now feel i often cannot express myself that well. I am not sure what the solution is here! I am not sure I recommend my way of doing things, but this was in corona so I couldn't even travel home for exposure. I am slowly trying to introduce English, and that seems to be somewhat working. Hope you find a solution for this

This is really interesting @Brambram that you also had the language issue. I'm very stubborn about him learning my language so I will stay with it, but I can really identify with your situation. Thanks for sharing.

This worked for me too with our (
now) DD5. She still would choose me if she had the option but we have used the 'turns' for a while now and I find once she's away from me she is fine with Dad. We did on occasions just give in and I'd do it but this makes it worse as they then know if they shout hard enough they get what they want so just reinforces the issue. Try following biglittlefeelings if you are on Instagram. They have some really helpful advice on these sorts of things.

Hi, this is me right now. My daughter (2) will be fine when it’s just me and her but when my husband comes home it’s like she can’t get away from me quick enough.

shes sick at the moment and is pushing me and telling me to go away. My husband suggested I leave the room so our daughter could get to sleep. Which I know is the right thing to do but it just makes me feel like such a failure as a mum. Especially when all the posts I read online say it’s because they feel more sure with said parent. And it’s usually mum they prefer. I think what am I doing to upset her so much?

I spend more time at home with her 70/30 and I do the more organised things eg swimming etc and the not so fun things like potty training, stopping night feeds. Whereas my husband has a more relaxed approach to things and will just do whatever he wants with his days with her.

i just really worry because I don’t have a great relationship with my dad because I grew up in a house where he was always shouting at us when we were little. I just don’t want her to hate me.