Son being sexually abused by "friend" at school

[nailsathome]

I have to say it out loud somewhere. My 8yr old wonderful son broke down this afternoon and told me a friend of his has been badgering him until he caves and participates in sexual acts at school. I'm devastated for him and for me. How could I not know this was happening to my wonderful boy.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Have you made school aware/alerted social services?

I dealt with a case like this as a safeguarding lead in a primary school. It's heartbreaking and it is so good that your son has opened up now, which means it will stop. The school will take all of the necessary steps to protect your son and the other child will not be punished, as the most likely scenario is that they are being or have been abused themselves. However, social services will investigate and the child will not be allowed to be around others unsupervised.

Your son needs to know that he has done the right thing in telling you and that it is not his fault.

Yes school have been told and ss informed. He was so worried I was going to tell him off.

Even if you'd known something was wrong your poor boy would still have needed to be brave enough to tell you what was actually happening OP, you couldn't possibly have known so please don't blame yourself. The fact that he has now been brave enough to tell you is testament to how strong your relationship is with him and how much he trusts you.

Do you have support for yourself? You obviously always have MN but you're going to need somewhere to offload and work through your own feelings so you can support DS, please make sure you look after yourself as well as him

So sorry that this has happened.

Please, please do not blame yourself. The important thing is that your son has told you and now you and the school can take the necessary steps to protect him and to prevent this happening again. There is no way that you could have known that this was going on, your son was probably sworn to secrecy and possibly even threatened with violence. The other child is probably the victim of abuse themselves. Child on child abuse is far more common than one may think.

Please make sure you get your son and yourself help - the NSPCC are really good and offer lots of support.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. My heart is breaking knowing he's been carrying this alone for all this time. He really is such a lovely boy, this shouldn't have happened to him.

Nothing useful to add , just wanted to send you strength and kindness 💐
Absolutely heartbreaking for you , at least this is now out in the open and he can be protected and both get the help you need

@nailsathome I really feel for you. Not something you expect from a peer at 8 years old. Absolutely report this through anll official channels. I’m certain this friend will have been abused to learn this behaviour.
A friend of mine growing up always wanted to play mummy’s and daddy’s on the verge of being weird and I later learned that she was being abused by a grandparent.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly for your son. From people I know who experienced abuse as a kid, and were not believed when they told an adult. The best thing is to acknowledge what happened, be a safe place to talk about it openly and to try and take away their feelings of shame or self blame. Sounds like you are being a brilliant parent.

Thank you for your replies. I am in angry mode right now. School are going down the route of "it was a silly thing to do but not with malicious or sexual intent". I understand that, at that age, it wasn't sexual in the adult meaning of the word but still, my son was made to feel he couldn't say no to doing something with his penis that he did not want to do! He doesn't feel safe going to school now.

I would be so upset about school minimising this. I would be apoplectic.

Well done for doing everything in your power for your son - don't blame yourself.

That's awful. Have they told you what their next steps are or they trying to get you to just leave it there?

Im sorry you and your son are going through this. I think keeping him home until this is being dealt with properly would be more that appropriate. If he wants to of course.

I appreciate it is hard for the school, however if your son was my child, I'd be looking to move him elsewhere.

Oh your poor DS. I'm so sorry he's gone through this. I wouldn't be happy with the schools response in this scenario either. I'd be wanting to know what safeguarding steps they're taking to ensure it doesn't happen again/hasnt happened to another child. Id be wanting reassurance that theyve made a referral to SS for the other child to investigate whether they themselves had been a victim of abuse. NSPCC have some fantastic resources that might help your son through his experiences. This was not his fault and he was so brave to tell you.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to your son. It is good that he opened up to you and that you are supporting him so well.

If the school aren’t taking the steps that you think they should be, you could possibly raise your own safeguarding concern. You can contact the NSPCC online, by phone or by email for support and advice.

School should not be minimising this! It's almost certain that the other boy is being sexually abused (probably by an adult) himself!

If the school aren't escalating this then you need to. And also report the school to the relevant authorities (ofsted?) for failure to take it seriously. I'm angry for you and your sweet boy !

I'm so so sorry they have responded like this, this is utterly inappropriate to say ,how on earth do they know, this is minimising impact - please ask to meet with the school safeguarding lead asap . you need very concrete info as to how they are going to deal with this other child - who may be doing it to other children or may themselves be in an abusive situation.

I can't believe the school are minimising this! I suppose you have to remember there will (should!) be more going in behind the scenes than you know and hopefully they will act accordingly.

I hope the other child gets the help he clearly needs too, but my child going back to that school while this boy was still there absolutely wouldn't be happening under any circumstances.

Your poor boy op. You've got his back though, he will be ok xx

Ss have said it is for the school to deal with. They even suggested I tell his mum myself!!

It’s not going to be appropriate to discuss exactly what happened on here as it can attract trolls but sounds like there is a difference in opinion as to what happened during this incident(s)…there is a difference between viewing/ touching another kids genitals which is part of common/ normal body curiosity ( and kids can still feel shame about this) and an act that then leads you to describe it as sexual so again, I really think you need to talk this through with the schools safeguarding lead.

Do not get into talks with the other dm. I would move school.. Your ds should not have to see him every day. Write to higher authority your plans and why.

Horrendous. I’m so sorry.

I mean, I’d have to have some one hold me back from
his parents tbh. He learned it somewhere.

I hope you and your boy get through this and he recovers. He might benefit from play therapy.

in all honesty, if you’re friends with other mums from his class I would probably tell them, (but I’m fiery). Frankly I’d want the boy to move schools so my boy wouldn’t see him everyday. As harsh as that sounds, your boy comes first.

The school should not be minimizing this. I’d also question whether the children were being supervised adequately at school if this has happened on more than one occasion and no one has seen it.

@nailsathome I once resorted to taking my son to the GP and explaining his problems at school I asked the GP to write to the headmaster and tell him how the issues were affecting my son, which he did. It had a quite miraculous effect on the school’s handling of the situation! A thought for you.

@123anotherday I have talked it through with the DSL. Wearing someone down until they agree to doing something with their genitals is not ok at any age!