To regret not deferring, will I always feel this way?

[ClaireRed]

DS is 4 and in reception, he is the second youngest in the class but very bright. We had the opportunity to defer as this was available to all summer born children however we felt he was ready for school as did his nursery teacher. He had a great little friend group all going into school and it felt right.

He was initially placed in the top group for reading and maths and doing well however the teacher has advised that he is struggling to keep up especially with the reading and he has gotten upset when he can't do the work. I feel terrible for him. The teacher said she will likely have to move him down to the middle group

Im now having massive regret we didn't defer him another year and let him have an extra year of Nursery. Most of the children in the top groups are older for the year and have an advantage. Im now stressed he will struggle throughout school and lose confidence when really it is because the children in his class doing well are a year older than him. Its too late to defer now but hoping someone has some positive stories of younger children excelling? I'm kicking myself as he is so bright and curious and I know had he been one of the older children he would be keeping up no problem.

I'm a reception teacher. Just because he's finding things a bit harder right now, doesn't mean he always will. Progress and learning is strange- some children rocket along for ages then stall and stagnate for a bit. Some children takes ages to get going then fly. Some children zig zag all year- slowing down then speeding up. I've known children move down groups then overtake their peers later. While the age gap feels a big deal while he's in reception, I promise it all averages out eventually and you haven't held him back or disadvantaged him.

Oh bless you, he’ll be fine. It seems pretty odd to have “top sets” for reading in reception!

Positive stories - my niece is an end August baby and has excelled throughout primary, and is in her first year at a great local grammar school now, one of just two or three kids in the class to head to the grammar school (it’s a grammar area, all the kids generally do the test). She did struggle a little with some emotional maturity being so much younger, but that may just be normal stresses and anxieties of a clever anxious to please girl, and might have affected her whatever year she was in.

My kids are late May early June and have also done great, top sets (in secondary! They didn’t have openly defined sets like this in infants). The friendships and maturity thing was never really an issue, age may come into it a bit but so much is around what the kids are like, how they are parented, their personalities etc.

It can be hard to be the littlest height wise for sport but mine are both pretty tall anyway, and after a few years height doesn’t match up so closely with age anyway, more on parent height.

Thanks for the responses,

Yeah I was surprised about the groups and worse not all the parents are even aware. We only know as the teacher sent extra work home and messaged in a group chat all the parents at the time. I think it's harder because everyone always comments on how smart he is (mostly family anf teachers) that I wasn't expecting this and hate the idea of him getting upset he cant keep up

It may well be a good thing in the long term if his identity isn't too bound up with being smart and excelling effortlessly. There's a lot of research on mindset that shows that it's healthier for children to be appreciated for the effort they put in. It's also really good for kids to have the experience of not finding something easy at first, working at it, and then getting it - that gives them confidence that they can manage hard things. I know a few kids who always found things easy and they really struggled later on when they eventually came up against something that didn't come naturally because they hadn't had that experience of having to work at it.

That seems a little odd, though I’m not a reception teacher and I’m not sure how it usually works.

The main thing at this age is to shield him as much as you can from “how well are you doing compared to other children”. It should all be about his progression and learning. Even when ours took y2 SATs, the teachers don’t tell them they’re taking tests, they just mix them in with the day, and the kids aren’t “awarded” their results or anything- the parents find out, but most of the time the kids don’t know much about it.

So for you, don’t take this removal of the extra work as a “he’s gone down a level” - if he asks, you can say his teacher would like him to concentrate on next step x, or whatever he’s working on. Just encourage his progress. It’s not that he can’t keep up - different kids need things at different times. His being a year younger at this stage may make a difference in his stamina, or something, but it really does even out very quickly.

There is lots of fluidity in progress in early school years. Take comfort that he is in the middle for now and happy.

He's not struggling though is he? He is keeping up with the majority of the cohort. Who gives a shit if he's not in the top set. He is 4!!!!! Just relax let school do their thing, you do your thing at home and it will work itself out. It sounds like you regret not deferring him so he would be top at everything. That's not a reason for deferring in my eyes.

If he was bottom of the class for everything then yes you may have an argument for deferring but he is not struggling at all.

I know had he been one of the older children he would be keeping up no problem.

Middle group doesn't sound like he's struggling though. If he'd been born in January (for example) and was in the middle group, you'd probably think that was fine, and not that he was struggling with school/not keeping up.

He is 4
If he happily trots to school the rest will follow
Youngest dd didn't get into reading till 6 now a medical student top marks JULY born !

I’d have reservations about a school that sets at this age! Are you sure this is right or are they just in different groups? Setting at reception age is unusual, to say the least!

My child's first infant school did it, they didn't say it was sets but you could tell it was by who was in the groups. It was ridiculous to say the least. Although it did make us realise that our daughter was dyslexic as until they started the reading and phonics work a few weeks later she was in top sets for everything as she is bright in other areas, and very high comprehension, she just can't read or write well due to the dyslexia.

I dont agree with the approach personally, I think kids should still be playing and learning through that. Not being sat in different sets.

OK, you need to relax. Why on earth should he be in a group with a bunch of autumn borns who have had a year more learning numbers, perfecting their fine motor skills etc?
In a couple of years all this will have levelled out, and your bright child will thank you for the greater mental stimulation of being in an older class. He will be fine as long as you don't panic and pressure him too much. Gently support him at home and feed his love of learning.
Just a word of caution though. Bright and interested doesn't = great literacy. Don't assume that a high iq and interest in learning makes it easy to read and write. Some children need extra support for this even if they are autumn born.

My dtds are 30 August prem babies. I was conflicted but they started school 3 days after turning 4. By year 4 the gap had disappeared and in year 8 dtd1 is in top sets and dtd2 is middle sets (but lazy so that’s fair).

Keep going but let him go at his pace and it’ll all come together. The one thing to be aware of is the impact on confidence. I’ve had to chat with dtd1 about her perception she’s “stupid” because it comes from reception when her friends could read and write far better and it’s very visible. They were basically a year older and she just needed me to spell that out and explain it that she was not behind she was younger. No confidence issues now other than teenage normal stuff.

I'm a late summer born, and was always the youngest in the class. I really struggled at first. I distinctly remember feeling confused about how everyone else just 'got it', whilst I totally didn't. It was very upsetting. My mum picked up on this and I think made sure the school wasn't putting too much pressure on me.
Then around the age of 8 it all just 'clicked', and I quickly caught up. By the end I was one of the top in the class.
Basically, I think a lot can change over the course of their school lives, and I think all you can do is to help them feel supported, and work together with the school.

Hi- my 4 year old is August born too and in the top reading group. He doesn't struggle to stay there academically but does struggle socially and emotionally. On balance, reception is the right year group for him, as he like your son is doing really well and hopefully enjoying their learning. They will keep up and catch up more as the age gap closes in future years too.

If not keeping up with a top group is causing him any anxiety or sadness, ask if he can join the middles. Hopefully that would boost his confidence and he'll be ready to thrive again in year 1.

Regarding setting for reception reading, as a reception teacher, children learn at all different paces. Some are ready to reading sentences now, some need single sound consolidation. So grouping them where they can best achieve and learn at their pace is sensible. Groups are frequently assessed and usually fluid through the year.

There's so much more to education at this age than reading groups.

Ours is in P2 and the younger quartile of her class. At the end of P1 she was in the third of four groups, progressing well but no interest in formal learning. Start of P2 it suddenly clicked and she shot up to the top group. Then she started to struggle so moved back to the second group which she is loving as she can read the books so much more easily.

Focus on progress, focus on friendships and other social skills. The rest will come.

I would say my summer born twins are wonderfully social and creative (which apparently is common in August born dc).

They can't all be in the top set. I think you need to adjust your expectations and try to discourage others focusing on how "smart" he is.

Hmm, difficult one.

Firstly, it doesn't sound like your child is struggling at all. If they're in 'middle' groups, it sounds like they're achieving where they should be for this point in reception, is that right? I wouldn't class that as struggling or 'not keeping up'. Not all children will be the 'top' of a class and those kids will change up and down as well as people have said. You can't really know whether deferring a year would mean your DC would be the top of the class or not, and even if they would, I think the age at which a child is ready to go to school etc is as much about their social skills, confidence, physical skills and so on than their 'academic' ability. So I'd consider all those other domains too, not just this.

Personally my DC is summer born and we decided to send them to reception at 5. They will be turning 6 in a couple of months and they're absolutely thriving at school, so we are confident we made the right choice. They are quite a bit ahead of where theyre 'expected' to be for reading at this point in reception (and obviously they are not the only child who is), but I'd still be saying we made the right choice even if they were not doing anywhere near as well, assuming they were happy and settled at school.

Finally, it is not theoretically impossible for your DC to repeat the reception year if you really strongly feel that would be best. However it's up to the school and I imagine you'd have a massive fight on your hands. And if they're happy and settled at school, and meeting expected levels of reading, maths and so on I can't see a school deciding they should repeat reception tbh.

I think the issue here is you seem to believe your DC was always going to be 'top of the class'. But children don't learn in a linear way, they also have different strengths and weaknesses, different interests and so on. Your child isn't 'failing' or 'struggling' just because right now some children in the class might be ahead of them with their reading. I think you really need to reassess your expectations for them tbh.

I'm in my late 30s and have 2 friends who were September babies. One deffered and one didn't the one who did law in oxbridge was the youngest one.

Reception teacher here. Children are only put in groups for reading. Well in my class. It just means when we do small guided reading groups they are all at the same level ...ish.

Reception should be play based!! Drives me bonkers that we are worrying about groups at this age!

I think the issue here is you seem to believe your DC was always going to be 'top of the class'. But children don't learn in a linear way, they also have different strengths and weaknesses, different interests and so on. Your child isn't 'failing' or 'struggling' just because right now some children in the class might be ahead of them with their reading. I think you really need to reassess your expectations for them tbh.

I agree with this.

So the one who didn't defer did law?