Thinking about trying for second child - but dreading the baby stage.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I would love to have two children - me and DP both have siblings and we'd love DS to have a little brother or sister. However, I'd like it delivered to me already 12 months old!

I didn't enjoy the first six months to a year of DS's life, I can't cope with sleep deprivation, struggled with breastfeeding, spent most days crying and wondering what on earth I'd done! However now he's 18 months old I love him to bits and would love another just like him!

I went back and forth to the doctor and HV and they were adamant I didn't have PND so I'm assuming that feeling crap is just normal when you have a small baby.

DP and I had decided to start trying at the beginning of the year but each month I have an excuse to put it off! We should probably just go for it but I know I'll spend my pregnancy dreading those first few months of constant crying (me and baby!) and no let up and no sleep. DS only slept for 20 mins at a time and fed every hour and I'm dreading another child being the same. I need to remind myself its only a few months and then the sleepless nights will be over, but I just remember at the time one night would seem like a lifetime.

Does anyone have any experiences like this - are second children easier, or will it be even more difficult because I have a toddler to look after at the same time?

Although wanting 2 or more children, I do remember that when DD1 was about 12 months old, I couldn't imagine going through all that again. However DD2 came along somewhat unexpectedly, and I couldn't believe how easy it was compared to when DD1 was a baby. It wasn't that she was an easier child or anything, just that everything seems so much easier when you know what you're doing. Of course having 2 little ones is hard work - in that you're constantly busy - but you do relax and worry a lot less!

Had DS after a 9 year age gap, and was worried about going back to nappies, sleepless nights etc - and I can honestly say it's been fine, and has actually gone by really quickly.

Whilst pregnant with DS I read the Baby Whisperer, and although I didn't follow it to the letter, I did find some of the ideas very useful, particularly around sleep and routines. But yes, inevitably you have to accept a certain amount of sleep deprivation.

good luck..

I agree with Surr. i found my second childs baby stage much easier. I definately felt more confident and able to trust my instincts.

Oh I'm so with you the first few weeks/months of babyhood stink. I think some people manage better on little sleep than I did and it seemed like torture until DS started sleeping through.

FWIW it does seem as if your DS was a particularly poor sleeper and at least this time you will have lots of coping techniques that you didn't have before.

However if you aren't ready yet and if you are young, then why don't you give yourself a bit more time until you are absolutley sure.

I wouldn't say it was that much easier second time round for me but my expectations were so much lower that it seemed to go by far more quickly. I think this was because I knew these things were all just a phase and I needed to keep my head down and get to 12 months.

They are 5 and 6 now and it's great!

Well.... I'd say that all babies are different, my second was a dream compared to the first, hardly ever brought back any milk, burped almost as soon as you put him upright, went to sleep by himself without needing any soothing or crying down time.

We are however stopping at 2 children as I couldn't possibly get so lucky again with a third child and I know how hard it was to settle ds1 off to sleep or clear up a whole pile of regurgitated milk or to wind him as he was a coliccy baby until about 3 months plus he woke frequently in the night with teething pain and was inconsolable but this has never woken ds2.

I did formula feed however and IMHO, despite all the bottle preparation, making comparisions with other mums and babies it is less draining and sleep depriving. I never experienced cluster feeding with either of mine and they both settled withinn two months into a 10pm and 2/3 am night-time feed schedule which I personally count as being up only once in the night.

I was also able to cope with the crappy first months with ds2 as the experience of ds1 left me with the knowledge that it does all improve eventually, wheras with ds1 I didn't know what had hit me and could not see when it would all end and was a bit tearful over-emotional for quite a while.

Thanks - I was hoping a second baby might be easier because you do know more and have experiences to draw from. Its mainly the lack of sleep I'm dreading - I can still remember getting up for the eighth time in the night with DS and just looking at him and wondering why I wasn't getting this rush of love like everyone had told me about - all I thought was I would give away every single thing I owned if he would just let me sleep for three hours in a row.

I'm 35 this year and have PCOS so I don't want to leave it too late because I know it could take a while to conceive anyway (although it could also happen quickly like it did with DS!)

Iwould, I agree that in your circumstances its probably better not to wait. I remember I used to wish that I would break something and have to go to hospital for a few nights, just to get some sleep.

I am ttc atm and things I would definitely do differently are :

1. Kick DH into the spare bed a lot sooner, much harder trying to sort out a baby when you are trying not to wake someone else up

2. Accept all and any offers of help
   I have loads more but can't think off hand.

3. Not try to do too much during the day

At least with no 2 you will know that they will start sleeping quite soon. Was your birth traumatic because that doesn't help in the early days either ?

Bite the bullet and do it. You'll regret it if you don't and it won't last for ever. I really want number 2 but am equally trying not to think about what might be, but only because number 1 was a doddle (no cluster feeding despite being bf or being awake at night right from the outset) so there is no way it's going to be that easy again! Hey ho.

I agree with the 2nd you know it is just a phase and you do set your expactations much lower.

I also swear by the Baby Whisperer. Very sensible advice and mostly common sense but at 3am with a crying baby the last thing that I was thinking was sense.

My pregnancy and birth were great (compared to some stories I've heard I think I was very lucky - went to hospital about 6pm, DS born at half seven, home and all in bed by 11pm). Although that did mean we woke up the next morning thinking what on earth so with do with this little creature now??! So I'm not worried about the birth. Just the horrible dark feelings I had knowing I couldn't escape from the crying. I think if I do get pregnant I'll try and find a sympathetic midwife who might listen to my concerns about PND. Nobody else I know seemed to feel as bad as me in the beginning so I'm not sure it is normal to feel so low (or maybe they were all putting on brave faces!)

its not going to be a picnic - I too hated every second of the first few months - but you 1) wont be in shock 2) know the sleep deprivation is not forever and also that you can survive on less sleep than you might want 3) know how to look after a baby 4) will probably find breast feeding easier 5) be used to not being able to go where you want when you want .

most important of these is that you know a lot better than you did what is making them cry, and will be better equipped to deal with it and wont have to endure so many hours of it.

Go for it. You just gotta get through that bit.

Felt exactly like you - dd1 was such hard work. But dd2 has converted me to liking babies!

May just have been lucky. But I think you go on such a huge learning curve with no. 1 (esp the breastfeeding and sleep issues). You don't have to go through that again with No.2 Plus, as others have said, you are far more relaxed on a bad day that things are not always going to be like this. You get - perspective!

There is the other advantage that, even as a baby, your dc2 can be distracted by your dc1. It was really helpful that dd1 did not feel 'left alone' if I nipped to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, or dashed to the loo (tho' I still spent a lot of time clamped to her).

I also resented the attachment a lot less than with dd1, because I could see it as normal. I just feel guilty that I didn't know all this stuff when I had dd1!

I could have written this a year ago. Ds1 was the baby from hell. He screamed constantly for the first 10-12 weeks and never slept (except when bfing). He couldn't latch on, had a tongue-tie (snipped at 6 weeks, but still couldn't latch on after the op), had colic, relux etc.

I hated every minute of those first months, and didn't start bonding with him until abut 3 months. It had taken us 8 years of ttcing, and I spent all the time wishing I could give him back (and feeling very guilty about that). I spent most of the time in floods of tears.

Then a year on I felt that I did want a second child. This time I got pg the first month of trying (thought I'd have longer to get used to the idea). I was dreading the first few months, but it has been really good and I've actually enjoyed it. Ds2 is the dream baby (so far!). I've only had one tearful and difficult day since he came along.

I think it is a combination of things. He doesn't have the problems (colic, feeding etc) that ds1 had. Plus I have more of an idea what I'm doing. One of the key things is knowing that the sleepless night phase will end at some point (in fact ds2 sleeps better than ds1 at the moment). With the first you feel like it will never end.

I know what you mean about others not seeming to feel as bad. I only knew one other person who seemed to find it as hard as me.

She has now had twins!! And even she says it has been easier to look after her twins (inc bf) than her dd1.

I think all children are different, you might be lucky, you might be unlucky. My dd was a bit of a handful once she hit 6 months but was actually quite an easy tiny baby - I got a huge shock when the 2nd was a colicky non-sleeping little monster. But, at 10 months, he's a LOT easier than his sister was and I'm really loving this stage. Perhaps it's because, as others have said, anything I find sightly hard to deal with, I just put down to being a phase, whereas with dd I tended to panic and assume it would last forever.
Personally I'm not a huge fan of tiny babies and I have a lot of sympathy with how you feel - it's certainly one (though not the only) reason for not having a third. But it doesn't last, as you say, and it's worth it when you see them playing together (as mine manage to do from time to time without tears). The second does at least have the bonus of being able to be entertained by the first, as fondant says...

I can understand that feeling too. DS1 was hard work - bf constantly, woke up 3 or 4 times a night minimum until he was 10mths old, didn't nap properly until he was about 12mths old, not for more than 20mins at a time anyway. He wasn't a miserable baby but he was high maintenance.

However, chances are you won't have another one like that. DS2 was a much more settled baby. Woke at night but only once, feed quickly and effiently and slept for a decent length of time at regular intervals and of course, you know all the tricks second time around so you will find it easier.

Personally the mothers I feel sorry for are those who had the easy baby first time around as more often than not they find the transistion to the second really hard. The second one won't be so easy and they have two to deal with. It is good that you expect it to be hard because either your expectations will be met and you know you can survive as you have done it once or they will be surpassed and you will breeze though it all and have a lovely easy baby. If you have the easy one first, the only way is down.

I agree with Niecie. The one thing that made me go for it in the end was - well it can't be any worse than it was with dd1!

'tis luck of the draw though. I'm also v. grateful I had the easy baby second . But I still feel that some of dd1's high maintenance was due to us being so useless first time round...

God, you could be me. I'm also terrible at the baby stage. Had PND and PTSD which didn't help. I really, really want another one but like you I keep putting it off because I'm so scared of the first few months. DS is two now and has always been adorable so it wasn't even that he was a difficult baby and everyone says that you tend to have a difficult one after an easy one (though that's about as unscientific a piece of evidence as you can get and normally I am a very logical person...)

Sod it, perhaps I should just go for it...DH keeps telling me that he'll get me pregnant whenever I say...

I felt exactly as you, with a really difficult baby, PND, lack of sleep etc, and didn't enjoy the baby stage at all. I really didn't want another child - I was terrified all the way through my second pregnancy of going through it all again - I was mainly scared of feeling so terrible and miserable again. Second time around, I still didn't really enjoy the baby stage, lack of sleep etc although it was easier because I knew what I was doing. But now my DS2 is 3 and I have never regretted having him, it is the best decision I ever made. My DS's have a real love for each other and a wonderful relationship and I am so happy that I went through the baby stage a second time.

I feel the same as you do about small babies. My ds was quite a sensitive baby for the first three/four months, but has been a delight ever since and I dreaded going back there... but clearly not enough, because I got pregnant for the second time when he was 11 months old!
DD is 6 months tomorrow, and I feel like I'm almost out of the woods with her. She's been a nightmare baby - chronic colic, hideous colds from the age of 5 weeks, nosebleeds and, to top it all, she got her first teeth at 14 weeks, and I can now just see feel her seventh tooth breaking through!
BUT... I was so much better equipped to deal with her. I struggled far more with an easy baby than with a far more difficult baby AND a toddler. I've been so much more confident and calm this time. Knowing from experience that things are just a phase really helps.
On top of that, my ds entertains his baby sister, and having a toddler makes life more fun - not just a drudgery of nappies, naps and breastfeeding. I have a more established group of mummy friends this time too.
AND the last 6 months has gone unbelievably quickly. I can't believe dd is already half a year old.
I'm going to wait a couple of years (I'm only 28) and then have a third - and my dh said the other day that he'd like four!!
So I say go for it. It's gotta be worth it long term for just 6 short months (a year at most) of unpleasantness!

Also, I could go on at length about the advantages of having siblings...

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Well, I phoned the doctor yesterday to ask about getting my coil taken out (thinking it might take a while to get an appointment) and she booked me if this morning. So now I am coil-free! Also went to get some folic acid tablets at lunchtime. So basically am ready to go. I am quite excited. Although may wait another month for periods to settle...???

Nah - you get a dating scan anyway, right? Just get on with it!
I'm excited for you - can you tell?

Ooh its making me more excited now! Maybe I should join a TTC thread! I actually really enjoyed being pregnant, maybe I should concentrate on that and not think too much about the baby stage [repeats 'it will only last a few months, it will only last a few months...']!

Hmm, if I conceived now it would be born at christmas though - maybe I should wait.... (blimey I'm now thinking as though I'm going to conceive just sitting here at work - it'll probably take months and months anyway!!)