Returning to work - epic mum guilt, HELP!

[sweetpea2023]

Hi there,

I have a 5 month old baby daughter, I'm currently 6 months into my MAT leave, and in one month I'll be returning to work 🤓

I'm an estate agent, and I planned to take a full year off this time, as I'm pretty sure this will be mine and my partners last baby (we also have an 8 year old girl) 💕

However, whilst on MAT leave I've been approached by a company who have offered me a fantastic opportunity, it's a real 'step up' in my career, so I've accepted the position and I start my new job in 4 weeks time 🤓

I'll be working 3 days a week, and my daughter will be 6 months old by the time I start - she'll be spending one day with daddy, one day at nursery and one day with my parents 👶🏼

The reason I'm writing this post is because although I'm super excited about this new opportunity, the guilt of going back to work 5 months before I'd planned is really weighing heavy on my mind and I'm so worried I'll regret not taking the full year with my daughter 😰

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 👍🏼

Congratulations on your job offer. Congratulations on your last baby! Did you ask them about a phased start?

It's three days, so can you parents do two days? There's no evidence a nursery is good for a baby of that age, it's the opposite actually. They need to be around a consistent primary caregiver.

I went back to work when my baby was 9 months old. My childcare arrangements were similar to yours.
It was all fine. I actually quite enjoyed the break - being at work felt like a rest 😂 baby was well looked after. More time off would probably have been nice but I had to go back to work.

congratulations on the job!
I am also kind of in the same boat. We have a family business and although I’m lucky because I could choose my days to return to work, I also had to return a lot earlier than I would have liked and the mum guilt I felt for the first few months after returning to work was crazy. However my little girl is now 10 months old, she’s been at nursery since 6 months and is completely thriving. She loves socialising and if I’m honest I enjoy the little break I get too.
We still have 3 days a week together and I just make sure that in these days we do special things together. Of course not every day we spend together is a day trip out but sometimes we just sit and do messy play or take a stroll to the park. It just helps me feel less guilty about not being with her 24/7. But please don’t punish yourself, you’re a mum who’s working extremely hard to make sure your little family is healthy and happy and that is all your baby could ever ask of you.

Brilliant.

Is your husband feeling guilty?

No?

Then crack on.

Your daughter will be spending six days a week with people that love her and one day a week with competent professionals.

Why would you feel guilty about that?

First post on a thread from a mum who’s worried about going back to work and ofc someone’s already getting the boot in about nursery 🙄

OP it sounds like a great opportunity and your daughter will have a lovely balance with lots of time with family and a day at nursery. My DD started nursery at 9 months and loved it, they did all sorts of messy and sensory play that I would never have thought to do and she always ate better there than she did at home!

There's no 'right'.

I'm from a family of international professionals.

I'm the wrong one, it was bonkers that I decided to fuck it all off and stay at home with my children.

No-one expected that.

As long as you, as a woman have means to support your choices, do whatever the fuck you like.

NEVER put yourself in a shit situation though.

Having a stable well paid job is also a form of care OP, and if it helps having a variety of main caregivers at this age teaches babies agility apparently.
Congrats in your job.

I went back after 6 months (4 days a week) and my LO was in nursery 1.5 days and with my mum 2.5days. He has absolutely thrived. He's obsessed with my mum and all of his nursery teachers and is honestly one of the most pleasant, chilled toddlers now.

The guilt is completely real though and I regularly wonder if I should have taken longer, but it just wasn't financially viable for us.

I think going back 3 days is a brilliant set up though. You get your career progression, your little one gets to spend time in other environments, and you still get so much time together!!

Congrats on your new role. I came accross something recently that helped reframe the ‘mum guilt’

guilt is when we do something that is not in line with our values.

is one of your values providing for your family and having a career you enjoy? Then what you’re feeling isn’t guilt, it’s actually that you’re just being made to feel uncomfortable by expectations places on you, by society / family or whatever.

I think it was a “we can do hard things podcast” really worth a listen!

Totally this!
Congratulations on your new job! Great to read about ambitious, smart ladies on here.

It sounds like a fantastic opportunity @sweetpea2023 - congrats 😊 Sometimes plans have to change to when things come our way. I’m assuming this step up will allow you to provide more for your family? 😊

Can I just add - I did take a full year off with my DS because I couldn’t bare the ‘guilt’ over leaving him so young. And guess what…the guilt was still there when he was one 😂🙃

Congratulations! The only regret I feel about the first year of my child’s life is all the stupid ‘guilt’ I felt about not doing things a certain way. Looking back it’s bonkers, we are the parents, it doesn’t affect anyone else, why do we let it affect us so much.

My child is now 2.5, they’re such a happy child and I love our time together as a family so I know our choices were the right ones for us.

Stop the guilt, it’s a waste of energy and enjoy your new job and family!

It's misplaced.

Mine are 16 & 17 now and we enjoy each other's company so much.

They're balanced and happy.

Job (very nearly) done.

thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate it and the advice has genuinely really helped me ☺️

Just to answer some of the questions >>>

• unfortunately a phased return isn't an option as they need someone urgently

• I guess men don't feel the guilt in the same way us mummy's do, but my fiancé is being incredibly supportive, he's my rock, he's amazing 🫶🏼

• the reason I'm going back to work is not so much for the extra money, although it'll definitely help... it's more for me 2bh as I've always worked and been career focused, and I really want to feel a healthy balance between being a mummy to my two beautiful girls, which is the best job in the world, and having a healthy career that I'm proud of, as I've worked so hard to climb the ranks so to speak

... mum guilt really is so real isn't it, I feel so anxious about returning to work and I really hope I'm doing the right thing 🙏🏼🤞🏼

Thank you again for all your advice, you're a great bunch on here! 😘

Congratulations! It sounds like you've done so well getting your wonderful new job! It's only 3 days and you have a great plan in place for childcare. You are setting a great example for your daughters. Enjoy it and bin the guilt! If you feel a bit guilty and worried it just shows you are a caring mum.

I have returned to work after a year with dS2 and it has been harder than an earlier return with dS1. There's been more separation anxiety etc. I would have gone back earlier if I hadn't had such a bad sleeper.... 😴

I went back 3.5 days a week at 6 months with DC1 and 9 moths with DC2. Mat allowance was only 6 months at the time and DH was starting a new career (which has been family friendly and better work/life balance in the long run) so we needed the money.

We we’re lucky to have 2 days with my parents and 1.5 days nursery.

I have emotionally well attached teens with fond memories of all their childcare, nursery, both sets of grandparents and a lovely childminder once they got to school age.

Looking back the guilt was such a waste of time and energy, and completely unnecessary.

Hello! What episode was this - do you know?! Thank you!!!

No advice - just to say im sure your daughter
will thrive with the proposed set up - including nursery.

I used to work in a nursery, babies starting at 6 months usually had no trouble settling at all, they usually aren't at the point where they experience separation anxiety and are happy with whoever is caring for them as long as they are caring for them well. Once they get closer to 12 months the separation anxiety can really kick in and they can be really distressed which isn't nice for anyone. So don't feel guilty, going back earlier may work out as best for all of you and you will still have plenty of time with baby. I work 3 days and find it a really nice balance.

My kids went to nursery from 6 months and i had to go back full time as the breadwinner. They are well rounded, well loved, doing well at school and happy kids and always have been. It is what it is, of course we would love to spend more time with them but this is the world we live in and no jobs are ever safe, its important to make sure you can provide security for them too. If you are lucky enough to have a good work opportunity, in this current climate then take it and be proud of yourself.

Enjoy your time with your daughter (2 days plus weekends is a great amount!), and also enjoy the time you have at work to just be you and not in mum mode. Your daughter will benefit from the chance to form a bond with her grandparents and dad, and get used to new things/people at nursery I bet.

There are very few 'right'/perfect decisions in life, you just have to weigh things up, pick one that seems right to you, and muddle through. Congratulations on the job offer, it's great to hear you got a step-up opportunity during mat leave!

Who states “ it’s the opposite “ you ? what an awful comment to make for parents who could be reading this who have no choice but to go back to work , I went back when my little one was 8 weeks old because of self employment , we put our son into nursery 2 days a week.
What they need is care ,needs met and nurture and as long as you find a setting that can offer those things then they become a caregiver irrelevant of wether they are family or not .

my eldest went full time at 4 months and thrived in his childcare setting !

this comment is what’s wrong these days and enough to tip a new mother over the edge with guilt ! luckily I’m not that mother as your comment has no basis of fact just opinion !

How is this the first response on the post of someone looking for reassurance about childcare smh 🙄

OP just for context, I work full time. I’m the breadwinner, without my full time salary our house wouldn’t run so I had no choice. We have no family nearby so my son went to a childminder full time from 6.5 months. He’s now 4 and we get comments almost every day from people about how bright he is, how sociable he is, how polite and engaging he is. His bond with both me and his father is unbreakable - he’s a gorgeous loving little thing and he has suffered not one bit from going to a childminder from 6 months so please take the above comment with a generous pinch of salt.

im actually in the same boat as you. My DD is rising 6 months old this week and id intended to have longer off this time but (a) our finances are feeling the pinch and (b) I’ve been offered an amazing opportunity that I can’t turn down. Full time again but almost twice my old salary which is a lifestyle changing move for us.

the mum guilt however is STRONG. I go back in 3 weeks and I keep feeling so down and guilty but you have to try and remember you are setting a good example for your kids.

Long gone are the days where it’s the norm for mothers to stay at home all day with their kids (for clarity, no shade on those that do in the slightest - totally personal choice) and it’s good for our daughters to see us working and for our sons too so they can encourage the future women in their lives to follow their ambitions too.

thats how I try to push myself through the guilt.

and I think it’s also really important to remember that in just 5 short years they’ll be at school every day and if you don’t nurture your career now you’ll be stuck with kids at school and trying to find a sub par job you’re not interested in because you took 5 years out. In my line of work taking 5 years out would be terminal to my career. And I want my career to fall back on when my kids are teenagers and communicate with me in one syllable words

Good luck OP - be kind to yourself ❤️

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