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Original poster

AIBU to not reciperate gift

45 replies

mumspiration1997 · 17/04/2024 09:23

Long story short.

My b.i.l and s.i.l husbands side. Haven't bought my 2 x daughters Christmas or birthday gifts this year. Came to my daughters naming ceremony/baptism without as much as a card.

1 x daughter aged 1 and 1 x daughter aged 9. (Mine)

They however have 2 x girls aswell and ones Birthday is coming up. 4 in a few weeks.

I feel awful not acknowledging the child's birthday age 4 in 2 weeks...but why should I bother part of me thinks?! My children obviously aren't priority to them. Money is no issue for a small gift either side.

What would you all do?

OP posts:
Monkeybusiness09 · 17/04/2024 09:26

Watching as I'm in in a similar situation. My three DC have not received a birthday card/gift/ acknowledgement for their last birthdays. SIL and BIL sons birthday is next week.

Original poster
mumspiration1997 · 17/04/2024 09:27

It's so awkward isn't it. My point is that I spent a lot of money and effort last year and I'm thinking what's the point.

OP posts:
FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 17/04/2024 09:28

I'd not buy anything (although does your husband not sort his side of the family?) and if they're cheeky enough to ask why just tell them as they'd not bought anything for your kid(s) for a few years that you thought you were all stopping gift buying/giving.

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Original poster
mumspiration1997 · 17/04/2024 09:36

Yes I will leave it upto him generally. But he will just buy nothing and then I think it looks bad on me . I don't know how people can just come to a party empty handed 😕

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 17/04/2024 09:37

I have a similar situation. SIL has two dch (my nieces). They are a bit older now so I send them money in a card for birthdays. I don't bother at Christmas. But SIL never remembers my birthday or my dch's. I want a relationship with my nieces, which is why I do it.
I think you have to be the bigger person, without getting taken for a mug. It would make me feel mean if I didn't send the dch a small something on their birthdays, and I like doing it. It's just a shame that SIL doesn't bother.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 17/04/2024 09:38

Just send cards to everyone this year... Why spend your cash on ungrateful folks? At 4 a card with a badge is fine!!

Favouritefruits · 17/04/2024 09:42

I’d still send something it’s about having a relationship with your niece/nephew. A card and £10 or something small. Just because they want to be mean doesn’t mean you should be too!

Olika · 17/04/2024 09:50

Personally I wouldn't get anything.

CelesteCunningham · 17/04/2024 10:01

I wouldn't get anything, they clearly don't want to exchange presents. Don't give it another thought.

It's highly unlikely they'll say anything, but if they do just say you thought they didn't want to exchange presents any more as they didn't get your DDs anything, so you took the hint.

GrumpyPanda · 17/04/2024 10:04

Favouritefruits · 17/04/2024 09:42

I’d still send something it’s about having a relationship with your niece/nephew. A card and £10 or something small. Just because they want to be mean doesn’t mean you should be too!

Money for a 4 year old? Why not just a really funny, age-appropriate card.

Cbljgdpk · 17/04/2024 10:17

I’d send a card still but not a present and if asked about it say I presumed we weren’t doing presents any more.

Jeezitneverends · 17/04/2024 10:21

I totally get where you’re coming from, it’s not about the gift it’s about the acknowledgment. That being said I don’t think I could have it in me to not acknowledge the children's birthdays with at least a card. As others have said it’s about your relationship with them

PiggyPlumPie · 17/04/2024 10:24

I have an 8 year old nephew in the States. Since he was born, I've sent birthday and Christmas gifts. His parents do not even acknowledge that a parcel arrives.

For the last few years I've just sent amazon vouchers. I would hate my nephew growing up thinking his UK family don't care. Not bothered about his parents though.

mondaytosunday · 17/04/2024 11:07

Why should it reflect on you? It's up to your husband to sort. If going to an actual party though I would make sure you have a gift (meaning tell your husband he better get one).

ManyATrueWord · 17/04/2024 12:29

Match the energy!

CurlewKate · 17/04/2024 12:37

I don't believe in tally keeping. If I want to give someone a present I will. If I don't, I don't. Also, it's not the kid's fault if their parents don't give your kids a present.

SheilaFentiman · 17/04/2024 12:41

Husband’s family, husband’s job, doesn’t reflect badly on you (a) because they are in laws and (b) they aren’t gifting people themselves. They may be hoping you stop as they don’t want to get gifts!!

fruitbrewhaha · 17/04/2024 12:44

My DB never really bought my two girls presents . It pisses my off. I aways gave his children money. They are adults now so I don’t bother.

Underestimated4 · 20/04/2024 18:23

I’ve been in similar - this time with a wedding. Had a friend be a full day and night guest with her partner, didn’t even get a card. Then comes her wedding; she I with an invite asking for money to their honeymoon. Such a shit position, my husband said not to, but I’m better than that and my instincts said put £20 in a card so I did that.

Can you not have the conversation and say have we agreed now we have kids to not buy?

Swanfeet · 20/04/2024 18:26

I am in exactly this position. I have 2 siblings, both have their own children. Neither of them bother at all with my children- no cards, presents, messages, never see them.

i made the choice to continue to send presents to their children. Nothing extravagant, but I wanted the children to know I care about them so I hopefully have a good relationship with them when they’re older.

also I didn’t want any feelings of guilt on my part.

it’s sad and hurtful, I really do understand your predicament. Sending hugs

LinaLouLa · 20/04/2024 18:27

It's hard, but rise above it. Don't punish their kid for their shitty actions.
I've also been in your position- pained me, but I carried on buying.

Sjh15 · 20/04/2024 18:33

Similar situation with my brother.
hes notoriously bad for forgetting birthdays.
me and him had a falling out
but then, he didn’t get my DS anything, no card or anything; for Xmas.
My DS is 2.
his ds is 9. I absolutely did buy him a gift, I gave it to his mum to give to him, because I don’t ever want him thinking I didn’t care about him.
I’m super hurt about my brother not giving my ds anything tho.

Blanketpolicy · 20/04/2024 18:36

There is no right or wrong, it depends on your relationship with the children and if it is closer than your relationship with their parents.

I have done both, I have given my niece presents because I saw her very frequently, at least weekly and overnight about once every 2-3 weeks. I took a lot of pleasure choosing and giving her gifts because I knew her and knew what she liked.

Another nephew I didn't see often, so when the gifts were not reciprocated when I had my own ds, I stopped giving after a couple of years.

stayathomer · 20/04/2024 18:39

We’ve had that, some years we haven’t bought things for people because of money/ timing and they’ve given us great stuff, then we started earning more just as most of the rest of the family started to opt out of gift giving (probably because they were fed up of us!). We give gifts now but it’s up to you, don’t feel bad if you don’t, it’s not something that even has to be acknowledged, I always say family being there is more important

YenSon · 20/04/2024 18:41

I try my best to remember birthdays of nieces and nephews. I don’t see them often, maybe once or twice a year. They might get both sets of presents at once. I do all the birthdays and Christmas presents for all members of mine and my husband’s family and carry the mental load of all the organising for both of us. This is as well as working a 60+ hour week and having SEND children at home. I sometimes just drop the ball. Maybe they have too?