Is this in any way a normal day with a 5/6 year old?!

[Whatsinthiscrumble]

DD age nearly 6.

It’s the final week of Easter holidays. DH & I have the week off work.

Today plan was play at home first thing, then take DD on her bike to park (great park with large playground). Stop at coffee shop for coffee / treat for DD on the way.

DD throws meltdown because “bike too small”. It’s a new bike she got for Xmas so not too small. DH puts saddle up a bit, DD has meltdown as “she can’t ride it now”.

DD wants DH to give her a shoulder ride, but we resist and say no, either walk or ride your bike. She’s a very tall child so DH can no longer do shoulder rides as has a dodgy back, plus DD should be walking or cycling at her age.

This leads to floods of tears and we spent 15 minutes sat on a wall as DD refuses to move. Says legs hurt too much to walk.

DD no longer wants to go to park, wants to go home.

We run a couple of errands in town, which to be fair DD does nicely.

We then have various meltdowns about how to get home and I end up pushing her on her bike as a compromise

We have lunch at home, bit of TV and a cuddle. We then decide to do baking but it’s a nightmare as DD refuses to listen to instructions, gets very silly so that ends in tears.

This is my “holiday” and next week I will return to work. Honestly my working days are my “break” (so in reality DH and I never get an actual break of any real length, although we always give each other small slots of childfree time to exercise or see friends).

Is this in any way normal life? Just to be clear, not every day is like this. But it isn’t unusual either.

I thought by age nearly 6 we’d be enjoying our free days with DD. We desperately want to but oh my it’s hard.

Please be kind. I am just a decent, honest mum trying my best but feeling like I’m failing miserably and have no idea what’s “normal” (not really got any “mum” friends I know well enough to be honest with)

Are there any consequences OP when she behaves like that?
By age 6 you should definitely be looking into that.

There is a whole spectrum of normal. Certainly at 5 my DD2 would have had a massive strop and cried about having to ride her bike for any length of time and always wanted to be carried. DD1 not so much but she’s always been the calmer of the 2.
I find the holidays even now much harder work than the working/school weeks and the periods of ‘enjoyment’ with them are few and far between coupled with strops and fights. Children are relentless

My method as a mum with an autistic child is:

1. Check out physical reasons for poor behaviour - If she is very tall and often complains of foot and legs pain then it's a GP job and a referral to a specialist to see if she has Severs Disease, it's extremely common in tall children and they grow out of it but basically the growth plates in their feet and lower legs are out of kilter, they have to avoid high impact activity during a growth spurt and take ibuprofen as it can be very painful.
2. Check out sensory reasons for poor behaviour, it's not just autistics that get overwhelmed, too hot/cold/windy/sunny. Being tired or plans changing can throw anyone out of sorts and they don't tend to be as resilient if under the weather or hayfevery etc.
3. Look for emotional reasons - is she actually worried about riding her new bike? Has she fallen off or seen someone else fall off which has put her off. Is she worried about getting older if she's too big to carry, could she have put the bike away and carried a Teddy on her shoulders instead?
4. Look at my plans - was I over ambitious, did the plans change. Should I have reordered the activities. A messy activity like baking is far better in the morning when fresh then after what turned into a stressful morning. What behaviour was silly - was she just being a normal 6 year old? It's difficult to tell if she's an only. Was it a sign of something else. What were you trying to bake was it too complex for her at that time of day. I found giving DD some salt dough ingredients to make/play with alongside me whilst I baked and then she decorated the finished product was the easiest way forward. Or if it was towards the end of the day just get some rich tea biscuits, sprinkles in a bowl and make up some icing to decorate the biscuits.

When you break it down and reflect on the day you can normally find the pinch point and how to approach it next time.

Well, maybe.
Or you could use definite consequences when a child misbehaves.

And this child is not autistic (or the mother has not said that she is).

OP it’s wearing but sounds totally normal to me, if my year 1 almost 6 yo is anything to go by!

@TheShellBeach as I said my daughter's autistic (although not diagnosed until her teens), any misbehaviour was never for the sake of being naughty there was always a root cause.
It's well known that behaviour is communication. Sometimes that behaviour might need consequences but sometimes we have caused the poor behaviour and escalation through our own behaviour and choices. It does no harm to reflect and adapt and to change your approach.

If a child throws books then ofcourse you give them the consequences of picking them up but it takes reflection to work out why they threw them in the first place maybe it was because they wanted to....or maybe it was a consequence of something else.

I have three DC. To me the bike thing sounds worse than typical for a child that age, but still within the range of "normal" behaviour.

Did DD get her treat at the cafe? You could have used that as a "carrot" to help her behave?

I wouldn't expect baking to go well with most 5 year olds!

My ds is 5 and a bit, and he also had a few end-of-Easter melt downs, the memorable one was because I wouldn’t let him sleep in the living room on a home-made slide he had constructed with some cushions (we do, as a holiday treat, occasionally set up a den for him to sleep in but only ever at a weekend and never on a heap of cushions at a 45 degree angle!).

He has honestly been exhausted from lots of Easter excitement and I think that’s the cause in our house. Kids can get quite cranky and over-tired when they are out of routine.

I encourage ds to stop and think about how he is behaving and remind him that he knows he shouldn’t shout and stamp his feet. I try to get him to laugh and see he is being silly. I acknowledge he may be tired, or not want to do the thing I’ve asked him to do. I remind him we can’t always get our own way, sometimes he has to compromise and sometimes mum and dad have to compromise. When we can sort out a disagreement without lots of fuss that makes mum and dad feel pleased.

Slowly but surely they grow up.

Oh and then they become teenagers and it’s worse.

Once DD2 decides she can't do something, she absolutely won't do it. She is just incredibly stubborn. She probably wouldn't throw the meltdowns your dd did, but I can well imagine us sat on a wall for 15 minutes!

What are the consequences for behaving like this?

I consider this a bad day but not outside the norm. Is she tired?

My DD will often get tearful if she is refused a shoulder ride, she is 4 in a few days so almost 2 years younger. She is also not a massive fan of walking a long distance.

I bake with her roughly once a week, usually an afternoon after school and have never had issues with that. Been doing it since she was around 2.5.

She does still have meltdowns over various things. Was she over tired?

Sounds like a day with my nearly 5 year old. Out of interest to those asking about consequenses, could you give some examples?

This is normal behaviour for my DS, makes most days out incredibly difficult with tantrums and meltdowns. He is also on the waiting list to be assessed for autism and ADHD.

Nope.. would not of pandered to any of that . Sorry if it seems harsh but at 22, 26 and 29 they all still appear to love me and DH and come home at least once /twice a month just to 'chill with us' .. as a welcome release from London life.

Do not be afraid to inact consequences for poor behaviour. So many parents terrified of any form of discipline. I mean I have never laid a finger on any of them in anger but a 5 year old tantrumming jiust wouldn't have cut it. If we were going to the park on the bike - then that is what would happen certainly wouldn't change plans - but perhaps because she knows you will react , then she does it.

It may also be something about being an only child and your natural focus is on her solely. (Of course it is .. it's normal) but the natural consequence of having more is that you simply don't have the band width to please just one and they have to get on with it .

My caveat is that I'm old.. had my kids in the 90s so probably very old fashioned and not terribly child centric .

She sounds overindulged. You wouldn't sit on a wall with her for 15 mins if you had a sibling to look after (or a dog, or an appointment to get to). How did she get to town in the end? It sounds like you both dance to her tune and she actually doesn't like the power it gives her.

Try reading "how to talk so kids will listen?"

What stands out from your post is that you are projecting onto what you think she wants to be doing rather than what she wants to do.

Does she want to ride a bike?
Does she want to go to the park?
Does she want to bake?

By taking this approach you are only making things tough for one person - you.

This kid sounds autistic to me. The pp who outlined her method for her autistic daughter gave a helpful reply.

OP you're doing nothing wrong. Other kids are not thus inflexible no. Don't listen to everyone telling you to do XYZ. You can't discipline autism out of someone.

I know you haven't said about additional needs but if so traditional parenting wont work. My 4 year old acts similar, we do have related consequences which does work some of the time but can also easily escalate a situation because he struggles with demands (pda)

It does sound tough, if she didn't want to ride the bike I would have left it at home tbh. Sitting on a wall for 15 minutes in a stand off is a waste of life IMO ultimately did it matter if she rode the bike or not ?

Similarly the park is a non essential isn't it ?
What was non negotiable for me was some outside time each day if that is just walking to he shops then so be it.
As others have said did she want to bake ? Was it her idea or was it something you felt you should do ? I wouldn't expect a 5 year old to follow complex instructions, I say things like, put the flour ( that I had measured) in, now can you stir it ? I would expect disengagement halfway through and to finish it ( and clear up) myself. The last time this happened was the Christmas lock down when Dd was 13 ! 😀and she refused to finish making Xmas biscuits with me. She has done much better since .
💐OP

DC1 is 7 and DC2 is almost 6, both different personalities. Something like this would have been very unlikely with DC1 from 4/5 years old, they were an easy child when out and about and when unhappy about something they would be grumpy but not stop everything.

DC2 still behaves like this on a bad day but we wouldn’t have all those issues in one day unless there was an underlying problem such as being exhausted or unwell. But they are known to complain about things like bike being too big…then too small..then the bell not to their satisfaction etc! A cuddle and change of activity usually solves the problem. If NT, I do agree with PP with consequences for behaviour like this. When DC2 does behave this way, it ultimately leads to the activity being cut short at their expense

DS is five so similar age and the only time he ever gets like this is when he's tired, which by the end of the Easter holidays he was, we'd packed loads in but by the last weekend he was fit for nothing more than pottering in the garden while we tried to get on top of it and some colouring in/train set/stories. If I'd tried to get him out on his bike a reaction like that would've been possible. Has she had a very busy holiday?

Do less, ignore her more. You'll all be less stressed when she realises she can't get what she wants when she wants it. Then give her a random treat out of no where. It works.

Sounds like she didn't want to go for a bike ride.
Do you say it as "We ARE going for a bike ride" or "Would you LIKE to go for a bike ride?".
It should be a fun activity and something she wants to do - but if she didn't want to why force it?

Thanks everyone

The problem is if we let DD choose what to do she says stay at home, which we do sometimes but she gets really really loud and wild and our neighbours aren’t happy (small flat with no garden, although we are moving soon to house with garden).

So we tend to give her a choice of a couple of outdoor things & today she chose the park and bike option herself.

Those suggesting consequences it would be helpful if you could provide suggestions?

We’ve tried to use a carrot approach rather than a stick approach . obviously treats will be withdrawn for bad behaviour.
I do keep having to remind DH that punishments must be immediate and also if you say you’ll do something you need to follow through with it