Is this in any way a normal day with a 5/6 year old?!

[Whatsinthiscrumble]

DD age nearly 6.

It’s the final week of Easter holidays. DH & I have the week off work.

Today plan was play at home first thing, then take DD on her bike to park (great park with large playground). Stop at coffee shop for coffee / treat for DD on the way.

DD throws meltdown because “bike too small”. It’s a new bike she got for Xmas so not too small. DH puts saddle up a bit, DD has meltdown as “she can’t ride it now”.

DD wants DH to give her a shoulder ride, but we resist and say no, either walk or ride your bike. She’s a very tall child so DH can no longer do shoulder rides as has a dodgy back, plus DD should be walking or cycling at her age.

This leads to floods of tears and we spent 15 minutes sat on a wall as DD refuses to move. Says legs hurt too much to walk.

DD no longer wants to go to park, wants to go home.

We run a couple of errands in town, which to be fair DD does nicely.

We then have various meltdowns about how to get home and I end up pushing her on her bike as a compromise

We have lunch at home, bit of TV and a cuddle. We then decide to do baking but it’s a nightmare as DD refuses to listen to instructions, gets very silly so that ends in tears.

This is my “holiday” and next week I will return to work. Honestly my working days are my “break” (so in reality DH and I never get an actual break of any real length, although we always give each other small slots of childfree time to exercise or see friends).

Is this in any way normal life? Just to be clear, not every day is like this. But it isn’t unusual either.

I thought by age nearly 6 we’d be enjoying our free days with DD. We desperately want to but oh my it’s hard.

Please be kind. I am just a decent, honest mum trying my best but feeling like I’m failing miserably and have no idea what’s “normal” (not really got any “mum” friends I know well enough to be honest with)

Not necessarily. My eldest was like this. He was incredibly difficult until he was about 7. He’s 21 and very much not autistic. Youngest was the same, also not autistic. Middle wasn’t anything like this and is autistic and has ADHD

She's only 5. They don't have a whole lot of self control at that age. Mine were like they, but things got a lot better at 7 ish

I'm genuinely curious - what would you actually do? So many people say "i never let mine behave like that". But how did you stop them?

Faced with a stroppy/tantrumming 5 year old, what would your next steps have been?

@Heartoverhead1 exactly what I would like to know! DD was refusing to walk or cycle. She wanted DH to carry her but he refused. So we sat on the wall until she realised she wasn’t going to get her own way. What else should we have done?!?!

Oh and the wall was near a busy main road, so it was essential we stayed right with her before anyone suggests pretend to walk off or something like that.

Yeah, the people who say "I wouldn't let mine..." have ones who at some point can be cowed by parental disapproval. My somewhat demand aversive middle one would deny himself any treat or take any consequence for the sake of not obeying me. It would have come to sitting on the wall for four hours, or physical dragging. We had to use really different parenting, much like the autistic technique described above.

I've had school holidays like this. I think the change (lack) of routine, coupled with sometimes over stimulation (doing something fun) and sometimes under stimulation (bad weather and being stuck indoors) mixed in with some tiredness from later bedtimes (because it's the holidays) can make for a not so relaxing break!

So I do think it's fairly normal. My son is 8 now and these kind of days happen less and less. In fact we've had a super Easter break and I think a lot of it is just his stamina and tolerance for the change in routine, later nights etc... is better and he can communicate his needs better. He'll actually tell me when he's a bit tired etc.. and so I can then adjust our day accordingly.

As for consequences for behaviour, I'm all for that BUT do try and understand why that behaviour might be happening. If it's the result of doing too much or later nights, then that's not really your child's fault. I've definitely been guilty of both those things during the holidays.

Would it help if you give choice of two? Eg at ten o clock we are going out to the park. Would you like to walk or ride your bike?
Also maybe distraction from the ‘power struggle’ so play I spy or count the red cars or walk for two mins then skip for two mins or something to take her mind off it.
Develop more quiet activities - jigsaws drawing stickers Lego listening to audio books or songs. It’s not great for her to get all noisy and wild when she’s at home.

@Whatsinthiscrumble I think she just sounded tired to be honest.

To all those saying about consequences, mine wouldn't have done this, stop pandering etc... the child wanted to be carried, she wasn't carried. They had 15 mins (at a weekend park trip where there was no rush) to compose themselves. Sounds fine to me. I think you did fine OP.

I agree about trying to find things at home to occupy her on days she's indoors - although your update about moving to a house with a garden is awesome, so pleased for you! It will make all the difference not feeling so confined. My son is 4 and doesn't really bother with drawing or puzzles but loves Duplo/Lego, magnatiles and us reading together.

Oh and one last thing, to those making BS "only child" comments, I give 3 eye rolls as one or two just aren't enough. 🙄🙄🙄

She sounds like she's exhausted. Have you had a busy couple of weeks?

My youngest as these tendencies and is a similar age. In her case she has a fixed plan of what she wants to do and is not cooperative at doing something else. She escalates if she feels she isn't being listened to ("listening" sometimes but not always equates to agreeing with her)

I think your DD just didn't want to ride her bike enough (or changed her mind half way). As a small child her only way of controlling that decision is refusing to move and shouting.

For the baking with a 5 yo I normally prep all ingredients in advance as they don't want to wait while you read the next step of a recipe or measure anything. They want to do the active bit like throwing it in a bowl and stirring. It's a faff but the only way in my house to make it bearable.

All in all it sounds like a frustrating day but normal to me.

Heartoverhead1 TBH I don't really know as it just never happened with any of my three. I suppose it might be because from tiny toddlers I had always expressed negative vibes if we saw other kids tantrumming , not anything major but would say something like 'gosh aren't they being silly I'm glad you never do that' .. and they just didn't. Not as toddler's, tweens or teens. We didn't run our household as a democracy though. Which appears to be the approach with modern parenting. To me it's just not feasible to have a 'voter' who is a small child. We took the approach of a benign dictatorship. Where the kids were listened to and every effort to facilitate requests were made unless there was a really good reason to say no. Then our word was the last word. They seem to accept this. It worked for us anyway.

Is she an only OP? Not asking because I think you’ve been pandering to her as an only, more curious as to whether any sibling factors might’ve made her behaviour worse?

I have two boys, ages nearly 9 and nearly 6, and you could’ve described a bad day for my youngest for sure. He has meltdowns over his legs hurting on his bike/the wind or rain/anything that’s not quite perfect. He is however much easier and more reasonable on his own, his older brother makes things a million times worse and vice versa.

I would also like to know what consequences PPs would give, or how exactly they don’t put up with it. I’m very firm with DC and actually stop him mid meltdown sometimes because it really can be over every little thing and very wearing.

“I don’t really know because it never happened with my three” exactly! So how can you criticise OP’s parenting when you didn’t even have to deal with the same problems? My brother and I were very easy children growing up, I think it was more our nature rather than how my parents raised us. We are just easy going people. I have procreated with someone with ADHD and although my DS is only on the waiting list for assessment (so not officially diagnosed) he is incredibly strong willed, stubborn and emotionally volatile. It isn’t all my parenting, he is exactly like his dad. There’s a balance between nature and nurture. You can’t out discipline neurodivergence. Well done for having easy going children, not all of us have that luxury, it’s about finding ways to help them in a world that’s designed for neurotypical people. My DM who thought she raised us because she was a perfect parent cannot handle my DS, her techniques just wind him up and make him worse.

Number 1 - sounds like you’re doing a good job to me! This doesn’t sound completely crazy behaviour, pretty normal and like a tired, out of school routine, maybe slightly overwhelmed child - they all get like that!
I would say though that this would be a once or twice a year type of difficult day for our 7 year old so if it is regular you might want to look for reasons. Although kids do have a rush of hormones at this age which can lead to a bit of almost teenage behaviour.. look it up .. it’s a thing!

If you are seeking advice though - I think you are pandering (out of love) a little too much to the child and what she ‘wants’ to do - expecting her to make decisions about what she wants to do with a day is actually quite stressful for kids - it should more be that you decide what you are doing (though of course it can be something you know she would like - it’s not school!). Is it telling that she behaved nicely when she was just coming along on your errands with you? Maybe that was the part of day she actually liked best?

We have lots of kids (who have all been 6 of course which is why I know about the hormone thing!) and our current 7 year old is the youngest so whilst we try and do nice things with the kids when we have a free day it will very much be a ‘this is what we are doing today’ rather than ‘what do you want to do?’ And they have to come along and frankly keep up! Mostly they are very happy to do this and my 7 year old will not complain at all about a 13 mile walk with his older siblings (if I pack lots of snacks!).
To some extent kids do have to learn that they can’t just pander to how they feel at that exact moment even though they are wired to do so (too tired, too hot, too cold, hungry etc..) it’s the start of learning to think ahead and like us they need to learn to push on through a moment of tired legs and get on with the day as in five minutes they’ll be fine.
But I understand it may be easier with older siblings to learn from. There is no way my 14 year old for example would pander to the little one sitting on a wall and making us all wait around for him - even if I was inclined to do so! But it just doesn’t happen in our family.
For example, I don’t do ‘fun baking’ with my 7 year old (that is never fun for me!) but he does help to cook dinner pretty often and feels useful doing it - it has to be done or we don’t get a yummy dinner - I find a sense of purpose helps at that age. They actually want to be part of the family unit and contributing. ‘We are going to the cafe for a treat and we are biking there rather than walking as it’s more fun’ might work better than let’s have a fun bike ride and then go to a cafe as a treat for doing it… maybe ‘we are helping daddy by not making him carry heavy things at the moment, because we are strong enough to do that now…’ iyswim..
but basically they all have rubbish days, as do we and the thing is not to dwell on it. Just move forward.
I dont really do ‘punishments’ and wouldn’t do so for whining or crying. I would expect them to apologise if they were rude during a meltdown. We have the occasional consequence - a favourite toy put away for a few days, no TV program that evening - but that would be for actual ‘naughty’ behaviour. The sort you describe is just push back behaviour, a bit whiny and I’d be inclined to just have a chat about how it wasn’t really very respectful or a good way to express themselves and point out the day would have been more fun if they hadn’t behaved that way (when they are calm of course). Then cuddles and move on - tomorrow’s a new day and everything in childhood is a phase!
But as I say you sound like a normal family to me! 😀

My 6 year old would be perfectly capable of acting like this. She's very stubborn, very emotional and very unhappy with any form of discomfort. Authoritarian type parenting just makes her worse.

I've never thought this was abnormal to be honest. Most of the time she's sweetness and joy, but just up and down a lot and it's just something we have to deal with.

Mostly I can manage to get her out of a strop by sometimes it's completely impossible. I'm sure it will improve with age but until then, it's just patience.

TBH I don't really know as it just never happened with any of my three.

How did I know this would be the case! People who say “I wouldn’t stand for this” have normally not actually experienced it so don’t have any damn idea what they would do. If your child never had tantrums it’s largely due to their personality, and probably very little to do with your parenting.

You didn’t pander to her at all. She wanted to be carried: she was not carried. You held boundaries, you carried out your plan.

It sounds to me like a bit of a tough day, but not an extreme one. She’s only 5. Mine was a pain the last couple of days of the Easter holidays - too much fun, some late bedtimes, and apprehension about going back to school.

So interesting. My eldest has ADHD and my DM struggles too. How do you handle it?

My 6 year old often asks for a shoulder carry when both me and dh are there. Of course then dc4 also wants one and there is arguing. I find they act up more when we are both there. I wonder if it's because they have more of an audience.

Is you and dh doing a family activity different from normal? And of course , she might not like bike riding.

Doesn't sound too extreme for the holidays. We try and do an outing in the morning and home with toys/movie in the afternoon (rather than the other way round) and get fewer strops that way.

Thanks for the reassurance! I really struggle with knowing what’s normal and some people are so quick to want to label everyone with some form of neurodivergence these days

We had a better day today. We took the bike out with us in the boot of the car, she decided she wanted to ride and did 6 miles and enjoyed it. A little bit of annoying behaviour around lunch / bedtime routine but much much better.

Pretty normal for my 6yo, I had a few moments like that with my now 10yo but my oldest was never like that. Every child is different. I find school holidays the worse, kids are tired, usually getting over some school bug, they are unwinding from school term, out of routine, having both parents around if they have taken time off can be emotionally overwhelming for them.

With my 6yo I find that after she gets what she wants she’s far worse, so if we are going shopping and each child allowed a treat, I will plan it for the youngest to get it last otherwise she will be a pain and just want to go home, she’s tired her feet hurt yada yada. Now if she was meeting her friends she’d spend hours running around and wouldn’t get at all tired.

Plan for rewards and treats after, if your going for a bike ride say you will stop on the way home to get treats, not on the way out. I very rarely do proper baking with the kids, it always turns into a blood bath so they get a box of cup cake mix each and then they can’t do much damage, the hardest part is taking turns whose is going to be baked first, so we now have a rota for that. The last time I had an insta worthy baking session was when my 12yo was 2yo and it was just her and a baby who was fast asleep.

My DD is 6 and she does have tantrums but not over days out so something like the OP would be unusual. We do enjoy days out as a family and we've always done full on trips out eg did 3 days at Disney parks this Easter) and she enjoys them and copes fine. We do make it easy for her (DH will give her shoulder rides, we used strollers at Disney) and tend to plan trips without much input from her, and she is content to be given minimal choice. All our activities are child-centered and we don't tend to bring her along for errands unless there's no alternative. We do baking sometimes and she's happy to help but mostly does the easy bits like decorating.

She does have tricky behaviour at times but it tends to be at the end of the day once we're home, or in response to too much screen time or sugar. So it's been fairly easy to cut that down.

What you describe sounds normal, but not everyday normal. My 6 yo has days that are full of emotional meltdowns, struggles with demands, heightened sensitivity to criticism. She also has days without any of that where she is delightful and there is minimal friction. When she is difficult it is usually because something else is going on that is stressing her out and she doesn’t know how to self regulate. I think you are going the right things in terms of giving her space to calm down, setting clear boundaries, and keeping it non confrontational.

i have 2 dc, one nd and one nt, and my big parental lesson is that you can’t parent a nd like a nt, but nd parenting techniques work wonders with nt children. When in doubt, treat your child like they are neurodivergent because it makes you stop and reassess from a different perspective.