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Original poster

Feel terrible about forcing my 5 year old to have a bath

57 replies

Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 20:46

I handled/carried my 5 year old upstairs and feel terrible about it. Then at the top of the stairs I lifted him up under his arms and plonked him into the bath, washed him quickly, lifted him out and carried him to his room. He was screaming and crying. He was refusing to go in the bath because I said he couldn't watch his tablet while in the bath. His dad has been letting him. I hate myself for forcing him, I normally dig deep and find other tactics. I tried tonight but nothing was working and it's school tomorrow and he did smell. I feel like I crossed a line and worry our relationship is damaged. I wish I'd just left him downstairs and had a bath myself. He probably would have got bored and come to join me. Not sure why I am posting really, I just feel terrible, don't have anyone to talk to right now, and wanted to get it out.

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Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 21:13

GrazingSheep · 14/04/2024 21:08

Can you ditch the tablet while he is with you?

Yes, possibly. My ex is moving out in 2 weeks. Woohoo! So an opportunity for new rules at my house. I can't wait. I do worry that he will let them eat rubbish food, go to bed late and watch/play anything with few limits. And so both kids will want to be with dad. But hopefully they will like the relative order and structure here. I realise I can only do my bit.

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11NigelTufnel · 14/04/2024 21:33

You definitely won't have damaged him. Next time, try turning off the tablet a while before the bath, so he isn't having it prised from his hands to get him in the tub. Turn off the wifi if you need to. Then once he has calmed down from that, introduce the washing, whether bath or shower. You can't control what your ex does, but remember that children do actually like boundaries and stability. They won't look back and wish that mum gave them 24/7 candy and devices, but will remember cuddles and showing an interest in what they like.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 21:41

11NigelTufnel · 14/04/2024 21:33

You definitely won't have damaged him. Next time, try turning off the tablet a while before the bath, so he isn't having it prised from his hands to get him in the tub. Turn off the wifi if you need to. Then once he has calmed down from that, introduce the washing, whether bath or shower. You can't control what your ex does, but remember that children do actually like boundaries and stability. They won't look back and wish that mum gave them 24/7 candy and devices, but will remember cuddles and showing an interest in what they like.

Thanks, yes, that makes sense. I do have a thing called Deco link that controls all devices so they disconnect at a certain time. It controls the amount of time they spend on devices per day too. It's great. Unfortunately my 5 yo has started to associate bathtime with having a tablet propped up on a cabinet next to it. His dad puts it on for him and leaves it propped up (well away from the bath). I still won't be letting him do that though. I like to sit on the floor next to him and play with him or chat. I agree about cuddles and taking an interest. I always try to listen to both my kids, do silly things with them and play. It just seems the lure of the devices wins! I'm determined to get a proper handle on it when he leaves though. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

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5 year olds Behaviour & development Families
MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 21:44

Welcome to my life every day with my 3 year old.

As others have said, being clean, brushing teeth and getting dressed are just non-negotiable.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 21:49

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 21:44

Welcome to my life every day with my 3 year old.

As others have said, being clean, brushing teeth and getting dressed are just non-negotiable.

Yes, I agree. That's what I was thinking at the time as I lifted him into the bath while he was screaming. He can't go to school stinking. Most of the time I can get him to do things using different tactics (I've got the books, Explosive Child, Easier, Calmer Parenting, How to Get Your Kids To Listen etc and I use some of the advice and it's great). But today he wasn't budging, saying he would only get into the bath if he could watch a certain video. At this point my ex would give in and get the video. I think nope. I'm the adult!

I can remember age 3. Relentless.

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Dareisayiseethesunshine · 14/04/2024 21:50

Sometimes following through on a threat is the best thing for your dc in the long run. Backing down on a life essential isn't good parenting!!

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/04/2024 21:51

I am very very lax on screen time. I mean really. My DC have never have screen limits now aged 18 and 14. BUT you can't watched a tablet in the bath! Even I would say no to that

YeahComeOnThen · 14/04/2024 21:54

@Turtleyturtles

you did the right thing, don't doubt yourself.

kids need boundaries and to feel safe, they need to know that you're in control' & they are safe with you.

they want boundaries, they don't really want 'kids rule'.

id be cutting down on screen time & keeping it well away from bath time

why can't the idiot go now? Sleep on a mates sofa? Living together when you're 'done' is too hard!

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 21:55

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/04/2024 21:51

I am very very lax on screen time. I mean really. My DC have never have screen limits now aged 18 and 14. BUT you can't watched a tablet in the bath! Even I would say no to that

I know! It's madness. What next? Tablets as they are brushing their teeth? Walking around the house? Having a wee? Bathtime used to be such a lovely time, full of play and happiness. Now it's silence with him glued to rubbish. I'm really glad I posted today, I am more resolved than ever to get a grip of this! Thank you.

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Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 14/04/2024 21:59

YeahComeOnThen · 14/04/2024 21:54

@Turtleyturtles

you did the right thing, don't doubt yourself.

kids need boundaries and to feel safe, they need to know that you're in control' & they are safe with you.

they want boundaries, they don't really want 'kids rule'.

id be cutting down on screen time & keeping it well away from bath time

why can't the idiot go now? Sleep on a mates sofa? Living together when you're 'done' is too hard!

I agree, it is hard. But he's a mixed bag, not 100% idiot. He is definitely going and it's not long now, I am counting the days.

Thanks for the support and I agree with what you say about what kids need to feel safe. Good advice.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 14/04/2024 22:03

I'd have done the same. The alternative is to leave him stinking and/or indulging in his tablet habit.
What next, he needs the tablet for the toilet/car/brush teeth?
And yes my face would've appeared cross, because he needs to learn having a tanty about having a wash is not on.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/04/2024 22:13

Are you saying that DS has a tablet propped up. on the bathroom while dad is off doing something else? Is he leaving him by himself in the bath? That's not very safe, and I'd be more concerned about that than tablet itself. Dad needs to step up to his reponsibilities.

strugglingwithmentalhealth · 14/04/2024 23:48

oh damn, the internet has crashed, lets have a nice bubble bath and a story while we wait for it to come back on, ( you have turned it off lol) and then once bath time is over oh its on again, you can have 30 minutes as a reward for being such a nice clean boy/girl. Every damn time haha, go Mama, make it work, you know you got this xx

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/04/2024 02:12

Haha I wrote this and then realised it's virtually a repeat of @YeahComeOnThen (who put it better and is very wise):

Children need boundaries. They behave better when parents are in charge and move things along without any loss of control.

I'm surprised you're worried about enforcing your expectations about cleanliness and not the behaviour he's displaying due to (arguably) screen addiction. Drop his screen time down to 1hr after school and encourage him to find something else to do/ play with him the rest of the time.

Make sure your ExH does the same, or it's unfair.

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 15/04/2024 02:49

Tablet should be put away indefinitely. You have bigger problems than bath-time. You have a screen addicted child.

KomodoOhno · 15/04/2024 05:15

LittleBearPad · 14/04/2024 20:49

He’ll be fine.
He’ll learn that shrieking for his tablet in the bath doesn’t get him anywhere.
He’s nice and clean and cuddled up in his pyjamas.
Give yourself a break, he’ll be fine.

This. Sometimes a quick shock is what's needed. He needed a bath. You didn't abuse him.

Aussieland · 15/04/2024 05:27

Why the hell is he ever allowed a tablet in the bath?! this is not a you problem.

HAF1119 · 15/04/2024 05:38

Sometimes in regards to screen time it's quite good to have flexibility but limits. At ours our son knows how much he is allowed and we have a visible timer we put in which beeps when it's over. The flex is that he can choose when to use it within the time we are at home and not eating/bathing. And he can split it or blow it in on go. Was a little painful at first and he blew it in one go of course then asked lots after - but now if he has 1.5 hours on the weekend he'll split it in 3 most the time and have one after brekkie, one after we've been out/done stuff and keeps one for before bed. He made his own routine.

Might be an idea if you do decide to revamp as cold Turkey is a big battle - but him having some choices for his own use
times may feel good in the end.

Don't worry about the bath - kids need baths, and tablets aren't part of that

Anneta · 15/04/2024 05:44

At your son’s age I used to let my grandchildren choose some plastic measuring jugs, mugs, spoons etc from my kitchen cupboard to take in the bath with them to play with, along with lots of bubble bath in the water. They couldn’t wait to get in! Maybe just try some similar distraction techniques.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 15/04/2024 06:10

I had to do something similar with my nearly 9 year old last night! He always tries to run away and hide when it's bath time so I have to physically pick him up and take him to the bathroom. He knows hes not getting out of having a bath but he always thinks he can get away with it if he pushes back a bit. Once he's in the bath he loves it and doesn't want to get out and I then have that battle too as the water is getting cold and it's starting to get late!

KickHimInTheCrotch · 15/04/2024 06:19

I also have an ex who has different boundaries to me. I always seem to be the bad cop parent - making DS have a bath and do his reading for school, enforcing decent bedtimes and limiting screen time. But DS definitely doesn't prefer his dad's house, he likes the order and routine here even though dad lets him play fortnite and I won't.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2024 06:28

Yes kids need boundaries and he needed a bath

You did nothing wrong

And tbh if was resisting that much I prob would have taken iPad away and said banned till tomorrow

Tho how long ago was his last bath. You said he smelt so has he not been bathed in literally days /weeks ?

Unless really grubby I don't think kids need a bath every day plus with my dd it really dries out her skin so bath/shower 2/3 a week

Have you tried showers ?

RoundWeGoAgain2 · 15/04/2024 06:42

I think that if the tablet falls in the bath then mostly what will happen is that the tablet will never work again. That sounds like a good thing, if you can time it for when the child is not yet in the bath.
<ooops butterfingers....>

This happened to my phone twice, and it's a very very effective way to turn a phone into a paperweight.

This is assuming that that tablet is not plugged in. If it's plugged in then the circuit breaker ought to prevent electrocution, but I wouldn't want to test that out.

We're doing dopamine detox here, and it is a very good idea. I really like the video posted on the previous page about the effect of screens on kids. I think there is a real problem for young people these days and folks are just waking up to it. I've had to take my DS out of school to get him away from screens - it's really that bad.

Also I must say I really sympathise with @Turtleyturtles. Sometimes parenting is just really really hard. And unfortunately, so is bathing.

birdglasspen2 · 15/04/2024 07:08

i have 3 young boys and I have never noticed them smelling?! They aren’t like adults who do when they haven’t washed! And the tablet use sounds like it’s too much. Or have a rule of 1/2-1hr a day and always at the same time so there is never any doubt as to when it’s allowed. I’m sure you haven’t damaged your relationship though, forcing children to brush teeth is a daily occurrence here.