20 month old has never slept through the night

[Ellebel]

Hi all. I am really starting to get down about my sons sleep. At nearly 20 months old and we have had maybe 5 times ever he has slept a solid 10 hours. Most of the time he still wakes around twice a night, often more. I always blame it on regressions... Teeth etc etc but at this point as every other baby I know from NCT etc is a pro at sleep most of the time I am starting to really question what to do.

His current schedule (which is dictated by nursery but kept to mostly on weekends-
-Wakes anywhere between 5am- 6:30am.
-Breakast 8am.
-Lunch 11:30am
Nap 12:15/30pm, lasts between 1.5- 2.5 hours, at which point we wake him
Dinner 5:30pm
Bedtime 7pm (bedtime routine has been the same since tiny, bath, bottle (220mls) bed. He can fall asleep straight away or sing to himself for an hour, but we rarely have to go in and settle him.

Night wake times very, can start at 10pm, or 12am or 2am, there is pretty much always one around 4am. We have tried- shh patt, timed visits to calm him and simply leaving him ( I tend to cave after around one hour because he is just getting more and more upset). Eventually we end up giving milk, and I know this is causing a problem. It is watered down to the point where the last bottle if he has mulitiple of a night is basically water.

Is the only way I can get him to sleep through to do full blown cry it out? I have never wanted to as I hate the idea and from times of semi trying feel like he will just cry all night, but I am reaching a point of desperation where I am not sure what else to do!

Many thanks for any advice x

As much as I understand the reason for the current guidelines - one of mine only slept through once I put them in their own room (twins) at 5 months (I had planned to wait til at least 6 months, but we were definitely all keeping each other awake). She by no means slept through every night though! Her twin (mostly) slept through from really young, but has always loved her sleep. The worse sleeper did climb in with us from 6am every morning for snuggles and more sleep until she was maybe 2.5 years. I do remember adding in supper when they seemed to go through a bad sleep phase as I wondered if it was hunger. I also got them thicker/sleeved nightwear as I thought they might be cold? Worth a try.

DC only reliably slept through at the age of 2. We finally put him in his own room (was sleeping in my room before this) on a floor bed and it also coincided with starting nursery.. we didn't change anything about his naps. Actually once he starting sleeping through his naps also became more reliable and longer strangely enough. I think it's normal unfortunately!

Now, this will be controversial but only I. The U.K. are children expected to go to bed that early and sleep through.

Going to bed at 7 is super-early, no wonder he then wakes up around 10-12. Why don't you try quiet activities around then, with bed around 9, so if he wakes up after 5 hours it is around 2 and then 6 instead of 4?

Also, consider whether there is anything that may be disturbing them around the times they wake up. For example, where I live, a plane goes overhead at 4.15am. DS2 and I are always disturbed, DS1 and DH are completely unaware...

Also consider other factors. DS1 always slept well (within developmental norms, we never tried the 7-to-7 U.K. approach). DS2 did not sleep through until he was 7, which was when it was discovered that he was super-allergic to dust. With the allergy sorted, he started being able to sleep. Yet, until then, when I raised that his sleep was very disturbed and broken (he used to wake up every 45 minutes) the assumption was that it was a sleep hygiene problem. It was only when we finally saw a paediatrician specialised in sleep medicine that she confirmed that our sleep hygiene was textbook, and started looking for other reasons why the poor child could not sleep...

Honestly I just want to say it's nothing your doing wrong, you can send yourself loopy looking at the details. We were like that with the first, scouring the internet for what we were doing wrong, but after 2 children we came to understand that some children sleep and some children don't, and you might be lucky or unlucky.
Try to work out how to stay sane while dealing with the child you have got.
In our case we basically had to train our child to stay in his room and read books to settle himself. For our own sanity. At 2 he could suddenly sleep through the night more than 50% of the time (up from almost never)
He's the same for potty training, regulating food, all seem out of step. But then numbers, reading, etc he's well ahead.
Every child is special, but not always in the ways that work for you! Good luck.

Entirely agree with @johnd2. Don't assume that what you are doing has much/anything to do with it. Our first slept well and we thought we were great. Along came DS2, and he did not sleep without waking until he was 7. Every child is different, just find what works for your family at each stage.

I would definitely look at cutting out milk entirely at night, although I don't remember when that's recommended age wise so do check. Milk and a cuddle cna be a lovely thing to wake up for!

But that said, I feel your pain. My daughter slept like yours until she was 3.5 with wake ups very slowly phasing out until 1 a night and then none. Now she is 4 we do reliably get sleep unless she is sick or has a bad dream.

Personally I think it's developmental and there is very little we can do to influence sleep. Hang in there xx

Oh ans how developed their language and comprehension is can help! I remember telling my very shocked and appalled 2. 5 ish year old that mummy and daddy don't like to wake up in the night because they need sleep, and so she should try not to do it! Honestly I think it helped a bit 😂

Have you tried the controlled crying method? We did this when our daughter was 8/9 months old, it was hard to do and took a week before she stopped waking up in the night but from then on she slept through. You do have to be mentally ready to go through with this and be determined that this is the route you're going down if you do go through with it. We just thought of the end result and it was truly worth it.

I don't think nighttime milk is a problem - if they want it just give it if means they go back to sleep more quickly.
Have you tried giving them more to eat and drink during the day? It sometimes helps towards a more settled night.

OP we had this issue, and it’s broadly improved since we made their nap 1.5h.

Solidarity though - it’s incredibly difficult having constantly broken sleep.

Bed later and/or reduce nap time. My DD didn't nap at all at that age and went to bed later, she just didn't seem to need all the sleep and trying to force it became ridiculous. As a grown up she still doesn't sleep as long as most people and is a night owl.

At 20 months old, my DS had never done maybe 5 times ever he has slept a solid 10 hours.

He's 27 months old and has, in the last two months, gone from waking every two hours to waking once or twice a night, and usually he's back asleep within five minutes, I just need to sit with him. It usually takes 30 seconds. He's slept through twice; by which I mean eight hours.

Hilariously, it was me and one of my NCT friends who had the same... the rest all had great sleepers. Or so they said. We met without babies for a few drinks last week and most of the rest said they'd had trouble, but hadn't wanted to admit it. We are a really close group, we still meet twice a week most of the time! One has a baby that has mostly slept through and doesn't need attention at night, the rest do not. Three went hard into sleep training, but it only really "worked" for one of them, and he still wakes sometimes. She has to be the strictest with routine and naps, and her son still sleeps in her room.

If he's really unhappy when you wake him, I wouldn't do that. Overtiredness causes more problems than oversleeping here! I wouldn't leave him to cry, either, especially not for an hour - he'll be full of adrenaline then, and a lot harder to settle.

Everyone wakes for a toilet trip/drink/random reason sometimes. He'll get better as he gets older. It's really hard, but the best thing I did was stop comparing him and trying to fix it and just go with the flow. You will get through it.

My 4.5yr old wakes up still. And my 2.5 year old wakes multiple times a night. I only just warned him because I thought he was waking up for milk but alas! He just likes to wake up.

No way am I doing cry it out. I could slept with both so I do think there's an element of waking to check I'm still there maybe. I'll move the you gest to share a room with his brother soon and see what happens.

But our 4 yr old deffo used to be horrendous and I remember thinking I wasn't sure he would ever get into his own bed. But a year ago he started to and that definitely helped. Then I bribed him with the sleep fairy - if he slept on his bed all night he gets a coin under his pillow. It has worked sometimes 🤣🤣

Poor you.

I haven't read all the replies but I know some have said to reduce the nap - just to say I disagree with this, in fact I would stop waking him. Sleep breeds sleep. Let him nap as long as he wants.. overtiredness could be causing the waking. Is he at nursery a lot? He could just be knackered. The body knows what it's doing and has it's own natural rhythms, don't wake him.

Also, you could try stopping the association with a bottle and sleep. Give the last bottle before the bedtime bath rather than afterwards (better for teeth too, to brush teeth after the bottle). If he's thirsty in the night just give water.

When he wakes at night don't pick him up or make eye contact. Pat and shush, tell him it's time to sleep and leave. Repeat over and over and eventually they get bored and give in and go back to sleep. You're not leaving them to cry, but you're not giving them anything, if you see what I mean.

Good luck.

2.5 yo, just a couple of weeks ago slept 8.30pm to 5.45am for the first time. I woke about 4 times that night.
1 or 2 wakes is more usual.

If it makes you feel better, the NCT babies in our group that were the best sleepers have started being difficult at bedtime and overnight in the last couple of months!