How can I get my son to stop being so silly?

[FlamingoYellow]

He's not always been like this; he's always been funny and made us laugh but he was mostly quite a sensible little boy. He had a really hard time in year 1 (undiagnosed SEN, maybe ASD) and developed a class clown persona to make the other kids at school like him and it's spiralled from there. It's 100% a tactic he uses to hide the fact he's struggling to keep up with the other kids.

He's now 8 and it's reached the point where I'm finding it very hard work to spend 1-1 time with him because he is so over-the-top silly. For example, I'll be trying to have a conversation with him about something (doesn't matter what the topic is) and all he'll reply with is the word 'apples' or whatever, usually while bouncing about all over the place, getting right in my face, etc. I wouldn't mind the occasional nonsense conversation with him but the majority of the interactions I have with him now are like this.

I'm not looking to change his behaviour at school , but I'd really like to get him to the point where he can relax and be himself at home. Does anyone have any advice? I've tried all the obvious things I can think of to encourage him to dial it down a bit but it's clear he finds it really hard to just be himself.

Could it be that he is being himself? Stimming by bouncing around and repeating the word?

I'm autistic, and don't really understand in what way you think this isn't him being himself and relaxing?

Did he get a diagnosis?

Does he have a special interest topic that he likes to talk about?

You are his safe space. It sounds like he's taking the chance to relax and be silly (as all children are sometimes) knowing that you will still love & want him.

Perhaps play along and say raspberries! I'd just give him a hug and laugh along with him. Join in and let him get it out of his system.

I know exactly what you mean and I don't think you're being mean or unreasonable to find it difficult to handle.

How much do you know on the topics of dysregulation/stress behaviour and sensory integration/sensory processing?

Are there other times, when you notice him being a bit more regulated ie his energy level matches the situation? Can you think of any patterns WRT when his energy level seems "matched" vs when it seems "out of sync"?

This could be that he's having an interaction with you which is calmer, or it could be that he has this level of energy but it seems to "fit" the situation e.g. running around playing a chasing game outside.

Have you tried raising your energy level to match his when this happens e.g. you want to have a conversation, he wants to jump around, you swap to a more physical interaction like tickling or "the floor is lava" or rolling him up in a blanket and pretending he's a sausage roll that you need to put in an oven, chop up and eat?

I don't believe this is him being himself because he was a completely different child up until around 2 years ago. He has also told me on multiple occasions (including today) that he has to act like this so people will like him. He has told me that he is not very clever or interesting so he has to make people laugh.

No, no diagnosis yet. Originally it was thought he had adhd (the non hyperactive kind) but the adhd team felt he fitted the diagnostic criteria of asd more, so we are now at the start of a 2+ year long wait for an assessment to find out if it's that. I'm not completely convinced it's asd but I'm staying open minded!

Have you got any pets op? My ASD ds 15 is calm and relaxed sat with our ddogs... He has full on chats with them and interprets how they are feeling to me!! Very much his own chosen therapy..

Im not sure he has any special interests, but he really likes bugs and we managed to have a really nice moment yesterday when I found a documentary on bugs for us to watch together. He did spend the whole time jumping around and shouting at me so we missed most of the documentary but at least the nonsense he was shouting at me was bug-related rather than totally unrelated nonsense.

What relaxes him? Try chew toys or a buzzing hand held toy.

When you need to have a sensible conversation, tell him ‘ right, I need a calm chat, get your chew/fidget/buzzer and come back so I can ask you something’.

He may need sensory containment- you could put your hands on his shoulders and squeeze gently.

DS was advised chewing gum or a wobble cushion or fizzy drinks.

For all sorts of reasons an 8yr old doesn’t understand, children develop coping strategies for various situations. This has become his. Find him some new ones!

My DD's friend is like this and I find it really extremely difficult to cope with so you have my utmost sympathy.

I think it does sound like stimming and therefore feels nice to him. I think I would try a very low key reaction and would say I don't like it when you won't answer my questions or speak to me calmly. I think you are entitled to say that you don't like the behaviour even if you're not blaming.

I think your reaction could be part of the sensory experience for him so if you grey rock it a bit that might be less appealing. I'm sure he will grow out of it soon as well.

No he is silly all the time. It is not just with me and he is currently having HUGE problems with friendships because he is so busy being all silly and crazy that he's completely missing the very obvious social cues that the other person is feeling very uncomfortable. I've been trying to work with him on his social skills at home but progress is slow because he is so busy rolling around and shouting out silly things that he cannot take in anything I'm saying to him.

I'm silly with him loads, but it's when EVERY interaction with him is like this. Asking him what he wants for breakfast; visiting elderly, frail relatives; eating dinner; walking through town; when I'm ill etc. There are some times I need him to be sensible.

He's obviously feeling compelled to behave this way, so in some real sense this is him and not an "act". It's providing a function for him, whether that's an autism type stimming behaviour or a compulsive behaviour.

Whilst waiting to access the diagnosis process for autism, have you been offered any help? In some areas you can access specialist autism nurse teams for advice on a specific issue whilst you're waiting for diagnosis. You could contact the NHS unit that's managing the process and ask.

I'm not sure if I understand your post but I know when my older ds (who has asd) is dysregulated and heading for a meltdown he will get really hyper and 'naughty'. Is that what you mean? Or something else?

We have rabbits and they work amazingly well at calming down my DS1, but not with DS2 unfortunately!

This sounds really hard and I would struggle! My dd had undiagnosed ADHD (finally diagnosed aged 20) and I used to find is so difficult when we'd be watching a TV programme she really liked and wanted to watch but she'd only get so far before she had to be rolling around doing somersaults etc!

I'm thinking perhaps try say 10 minutes of being really silly and active with him - set a timer if necessary - and then say right that's enough silly for now, time to do X and then really reward the times when he's not being silly by giving him loads of attention and praise.

Could you take him to the park on the way home from school for a really good run around?

Sticker charts always worked wonders here even if only in the short term. Perhaps get some bug related stickers and let him choose a bigger reward when he's filled his chart. Start by rewarding 10 minutes of doing something calm and build up.

Sorry if you've already tried all these!

My DS is ASC/ADHD and was like this. Tbh at home I just let him be even if it's annoying and only got him to rein it in when important eg I was trying to do an activity with him or talk to him about something.

If going out somewhere eg to someone's house, I used to prep him. So I would run through what appropriate behaviour looked like and remind him that he should only speak if he had something sensible to say and that he had to let other people speak and listen to them. This seemed to work well.

I did find that this type of behaviour did him no favours at all with making friends. And as he got older he was shunned partly because of it. As I realised this I would also prompt him when I was with him in social situations by reminding him (quietly and discreetly) to not get over excited (a lot of the silliness started when he was overexcited/overstimulated), and this helped him keep a lid on his behaviour and not let it get too out of control.

Although this meant he had to mask, it also meant (with other support) that he was able to make friends. He's now an adult and agrees the overall impact was positive.

I was very similar to my DS as a child and was not supported to learn social skills. And because of the constant bullying and ostracising I experienced as a result I still struggle to trust people, make friends and have been left with a lifelong serious MH condition. My DS experiences none of these things and has a wife and a good group of friends so overall I agree with him that the result was positive.

Ooh that sounds worth a try. He really loves girls/women's jewellery so I could maybe get him a bracelet or something from Claires accessories to fiddle with or hold when he's feeling stressed.

It's very difficult to know what to do to calm him down because although he can be very physical and has zero sense of personal space, it is all on his terms.

Try a range of things, try and find something socially appropriate in lots of places! Women’s jewellery may not always work for him!

Those slap on wrist bands or those silicone charity bands may work.

A fiddle toy- I liked the wooden robot that could pass as a toy, or the stretchy men.

A chunky bead bracelet or worry beads.

If he has a few, he can choose.

Thanks for the tips! I really like the idea of setting a timer to be silly! I will definitely try this.

I know I've made him sound really bouncy and hyper but he's actually tired a lot of the time and needs to be left alone in a quiet, dark room for a period of time most days. Especially after school, I guess because he's been 'on' all day and has reached his limit!

Thank you for this advice. Did your DS always listen to you and understand your explanations of what is appropriate socially? How did you manage that?
I find my DS really struggles to understand the point where being silly and making people laugh turns into annoying them. I would love to do some role play or social stories with him to help him learn but I need him to be a little calmer before we can attempt that.

Haha! Sorry, I was thinking primarily with getting him in a calm frame of mind at home. I'm not even attempting to sort his crazy behaviour outside the home yet 🙈. But yes, when I find something that works I will make sure he's got something for any occasion! He takes a fidget toy into school every day to play with in class but I think that's more of a distraction than something to calm him!

Would he be able to take up a sport - being good at sport, or anything else, can give you kudos with other DCs

It was a while back so can’t think of specific examples but I do remember having to be very specific initially in terms of naming behaviour that is “silly”. I could later then be more general in terms of what I said when he started to get what “being silly” meant. I did also talk with him about why I was telling him these things and about how other people perceive the behaviour and how it impacted him being able to form friendships so this gave him some context that I wasn’t just being annoying and trying to spoil his fun!

I would second this. Not because this would make him popular (as if he likes it but is not any good this can just be another way he is ostracised, boys can be terribly cruel if someone is on their team in the playground and in their eyes making them lose!). But because it’s a great way of burning off energy. And is fantastic for ADHDers (if he has this). Exercise is the next best way of managing ADHD after medication, it can be very effective. I found with my DS he had to “be exercised” preferably outdoors everyday or he was climbing the walls and the silly behaviour massively increased.