Upping hours when kids are little, feel really sad and conflicted

[missyasprogs]

With my eldest after maternity leave I only worked two days a week and we did so much together. With my youngest after maternity leave there's been around six months of me working three days.

I have had an opportunity arise that realistically I can't turn down, but I'm going to be working four days a week and feel really upset about that. They aren't little for long and I'm going to be missing a lot of it, it feels.

I'm lucky in that one of these four days my baby will be at home with my husband, and I'll be working from home everyday, so I'll only be upstairs and will get to see them throughout the day. I'm also lucky in that I can do all the school/nursery runs and not rely on wraparound. This is why I've gone for it, despite the extra day, because long term especially once both in school it is ideal. I just feel sad about the short term and missing out on my baby being a baby still

Has anyone had to up their hours whilst kids are little? How have you coped?

I mean, I’ve worked full time since mine was five and a half months. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything at all. Make the time together count, and keep investing in your long term future.

I'm in this boat, can't add much other than a hand hold 🩷

If your WFH and theres a day the baby's home with dh that's a comforting thought to hold on to perhaps xx

I thought this was going to be about someone working really long hours.

I too went back FT when dd was 5.5 months old. I have still have lots of happy memories of her being small - she on the other hand remembers none of it. It sounds like you will have a great set up with 4 days and working from home. Lots of women don't have this luxury.

Wow, how do you not feel you've missed out on any of if? They're changing all the time from 5 months until 2 years.

To OP, I wouldn't personally want to do full time a while yet. Mine are 11 months and 2. I work 3 days a week and occasionally an extra short day on a weekend. Own business so flexible, but all work other than the admin is out on jobs.

I'd be weary of thinking you could see them through the day on the day you're both at home. Whenever I'm working at home and kids are there, I need to totally leave and not let them see me until I'm done, as otherwise it disturbs/unsettles them

The tone of this is very judgy!
You really don't have to be observing your child 24/7 until they start school.
There's still lots of time at weekends, evenings and holidays to enjoy and cherish together 🙄.

It will be fine, honestly. I went from 3 days to 4, and still feel I get plenty of time with my DD. I also felt a lot of guilt, but once I was into the new routine, I was so glad I'd done it!

@climbershell they are hardly at boarding school ffs

I did 4 days a week until DS started school. I felt like it was the perfect balance for me. We got nice family weekends, I had a day in the week to do fun stuff with DS and enough time to feel like I was doing my job well. I don't feel like I missed out on anything at all and my career has gone from strength to strength since I can back from maternity leave.

It will be fine. I worked 4 days a work from end of mat leave when DC1 was 9 months old and that was entirely in the office until covid hit. I used to treasure our one weekday off together each week. I work 3 days a week now instead since mat leave 2 with DC2 which works better for us now but you just have to make a decision based on your circumstances right now really and figure out what's best for you as a family.

The only thing I'd caution is that sooo many jobs and employers in every sector are pushing WFH people back into being office based now. So I would be cautious about job change based on that unless it's all explicitly written into your contract terms.

It's disgusting parents feel they have to go back when children are so little. Of course it's different if that's a choice they want, as they love their job or are very career focused or whatever. But for a lot of people, if they're honest, work is just to get enough money to live on. And it's hard being away from their little babies - I really do sympathise. It feels really upsetting and unnatural, for some people.

Are you able to put it off a bit? As you say, they're only little for a while. Soon they'll be happy again pre-school and school. Cutting back on your spending, using overdrafts, working evenings or something for a year? If not, use your holiday to spend time with your baby. Maybe invest in a cleaner if you can, so you're not spending so much of your time off doing chores. I believe most people are entitled to unpaid parental leave too, that you might want to utilise.

Your baby might not have the same amount of your time to themselves as your first did, but they will have other things such as attention and games with their older sibling. So it's different, but not worse x

I went back four days a week when ds was 11 months. In September I'll be returning to full time (teacher) when he'll be 2y7m but he'll be at my school's nursery 2 days and my parents 3 days so is fine. Plus 17 weeks a year holiday together! (Private school)

Well, to me that’s like saying you miss them when they’re asleep or with their dad or grandparents or whatever. Can’t be with them every waking hour, and my income is important to my family, and to me, so working it is.

Some of the early days were at home as it was peak pandemic, but I agree with you that working from home has to be done sensibly, especially with older babies and toddlers who might get confused or upset if someone’s there but not giving their full attention.

Me to. Sounds totally normal to me, I don’t know anyone who works less than 4 days. You are still a person who needs to have their own life. Plus the money presumably

What a horrible judgemental post. It doesn’t make you any less of a parent if you work, it’s about being present and engaged when you are with your kids.

I'm also lucky in that I can do all the school/nursery runs and not rely on wraparound

So it’s 4 days a week roughly 9-3? Sorry OP but that’s really not that much and very very standard. Sure, it’s not a race to the bottom but, for comparison, I will have to go back to 12 hour shifts plus a commute. i think your situation sounds amazing to be honest.

My daughter started nursery 2 days a week at 9 months when I was still on maternity leave and up it to 5 days when I was due to go back to work at 12 months. By day 4 in the first week of 5 days the nursery commented on how much happier and settled she was. At 17 months she dropped to 4 days a week as I was too unwell after having my daughter to go back to work full time. For my health I have Wednesdays off and she is with me. The only goals of the day are mine and her wellbeing so minimal chores and housework. It's lovely having a day at a slower pace

You cope because you have to. It’s that simple.

You'll be absolutely fine. It is 4 days and WFH.

It's standard now, but even that would have been a lot, not that many years ago. Of all the mothers who have ever lived, it's a tiny minority.

Do you like doing 12 hours @VivaVivaa ? It's not a loaded question. I have a friend who works ambulances and loves her job (wouldn't be for me!). But from your post, I would guess not especially. If I'm correct, you shouldn't be in a position where you have to, imo. It's not about the OP having it so good, it's that the bar is so low.

I'm always a bit sad reading threads like this one, where a lot of it seems to be women getting a rough deal, and just telling each other it's not that bad, or their feelings are just a bit much. It normalises a rubbish situation, which in a lot of cases is physically and / or emotionally very difficult for families (again, excluding ones where both parents really enjoy their work and they want to go back). You can bet your life the people making the decisions about this sort of thing, can afford to spend as much (or as little) time with their babies and children as they like. Their partners too.

I had to go back 5 days a week due to redundancy after DD was born eventually going down to 4 days after a year.

I'd been 3 days a week after DS was born so felt horribly guilty.

In reality it didn't make a huge amount if difference. I didn't feel like I'd missed out on too much. You'll be fine.

@QS90 I feel like op might not be coming back, but yes, i agree with everything you said

I feel the ops feelings are valid, I miss my babies- work long healthcare hours which is physically hard work, I have little option. I think it's how I personally am wired to want to be with my little ones a lot, we're all different but if I personally could choose differently I would be there more.

I think there needs to be space for mums to have mixed feelings, or conflicting feelings, feelings of any kind- even if op will be fine, even if the kids are fine, it's ok to think/feel things about the return to work after mat leave.

I think it's hard because with my eldest I had 3 days a week off work as well as the weekend and we just spent so much time together and did so much. Even in my current role I get two days a week as well as the weekend with the youngest and it seems ok.

It's the thought of 4 days meaning we only get one weekday together, which means only one day of one on one time, as his sibling is obviously here all weekend then there's no school. It feels unfair my eldest got so much one on one time and my youngest will only get 1 day?

Of course I understand some people have it worse.

Not all working mothers get this opportunity to work from home a couple of days a week. I had to return to my job after my maternity leave after having my first baby, and it was heartbreaking. The same happened to my second child.

Just make that one day super special for
you both. I did three days until the year before my youngest started school then I had to up it to four but I made a huge fuss of our one day a week and planned lots of fun stuff - to hell with the jobs, that day was just for fun! We absolutely loved it and I never regretted it.