Is there anything I can do to stop my daughters hating each other when they grow up?

[Weloveflowerss]

have a 2.5 year old and one year old so it’s a close age gap which everyone says is great but I don’t believe it because it’s a similar age gap with my sister and we don’t get on at all, I’m just wondering if it’s just complete personalities or upbringing has something to do with it too? I love seeing them play together and it breaks my heart to think one day they won’t get on like me and my sister

I think its normal for sisters to be a bit competitive, but this can be balanced with understanding, What you can do is:

Don't compare them to each other

Be scrupulously fair

Be transparent & equal about things especially money when they are adults

Why do you & your sister not get on - is it your personalities, or things your parents did? If the latter, just avoid repeating their mistakes

Exactly what pp said.
I don't get on with my sister because my parents treated us differently.

When did you and your sister stop getting on can you remember? My dds have a bigger gap nearly 5 and havn't always got on but I tried not to favour 1 over the other the late primary /secondary age was hard but I didn't expect them to hang out together and there was arguing but again I tried to be fair and not favour and sometimes I just blamed them both 😂 . They are proper adults now and they get on great.

I think if you remember they are seperate people and don't "make them" play together expect arguments and hopefully it will turn out OK.

My sister and I never got on. As adults she reached out and we started talking again. But we are still so incredibly different that we can't spend more than a couple of days together without arguing. I think it's because we are just very different. I don't like her as a person - she has so many traits I loathe. So while I can try and put them aside for a few hours, they inevitably surface and rub me up the wrong way. So parenting may help - but if they end up disliking each other for more fundamental reasons, I think that's not something you can change.

My dh and his brother are not close and don't get on they can do events and what not but don't choose to spend time in each others company.

me and my sister have an 18month age gap. Growing up we would fight a lot but we were close. We shared a room also so forced to spend time with each other.

Now as adults were extremely close, we're like best friends. We talk daily and she adores my children.

I think it's more dependant on their personalities and how they get on as people. I would say the best way to go about it is trying to get them to spend quality time together (obviously not force). So ensure you have family activities and they bond over mutual interests. Perhaps when they're older you can watch the same tv programme as a family to bond.

me and my sister talk daily as we want advice on clothing, talk about shows, we want to try eating at the same restaurants. It's all mutual interests. similar to what you have with friends.

Everything the PPs have said.

Also:

Don't made a big deal of the younger irritating the older through their immaturity. Deal with it placidly. For example, I always told my older dc(s) not to make any fuss if the younger one(s) switched off the TV while they were watching. It was something each learned to do pretty much as soon as they started walking, and was obviously very entertaining for them. I told my older dc to quietly come and fetch me, and I quietly removed the toddler from the room and distracted them with a toy. I didn't reward the toddler with attention. Each toddler soon lost interest in switching the TV off.

Similarly, if the baby/toddler took something the older was using, not to make a fuss but to offer the younger child something in exchange.

Ensure each has their own space that is respected. Even if it's just a toybox in a shared bedroom.

Spend one-to-one time with them equally. Since they were little, dh and I have always tried to take each child away for at least 24h every year so that they could have our undivided attention for a solid block of time. If an overnighter wasn't possible, then at least a full day away.

Mine are 22 months apart and have never got on nicely. They are 12 and 14 I'm hoping it will change as they get older.

I'm glad I have a sister though we fought when younger but I'm happy I have her and see her a lot.

Treat them equally. But also don’t have high expectations or expect they’ll be like you and your sister. They’re two separate people: there’s no reason they should be best friends. Don’t put any pressure on it. Seems a weird thing to be concerned with whilst they’re so young

I have five sisters and am close to all of them except one. Just a personality thing!

Everything @Aparecium said is how we did it growing up.the one to one time is super important If you can manage not always easy when they are little but even if it's a seperate story or bath it all helps imo.

If the older one bullies the younger one nip it in the bud before it becomes a habit for life.

My DM would just say it was character building and get annoyed if I was upset. Needless to say, my older sibling never learned to become a good person and we never formed a bond.

Treat them both fairly even if that doesn’t mean the same. Don’t make excuses for the younger one if they’re being purposely annoying and don’t allow the older one to boss them around. Try and spend 1 on 1 time with each of them separately so they feel loved and cherished and don’t have to compete for affection. Mine are chalk and cheese personality wise and teenage years were ‘challenging’ but as young adults they get on great. Both admit that’s a lot easier because they don’t live together though 😁

Ditto if the younger one bullies the older one - it's very easy for the younger one to act innocent and hurt and the assumption is the elder one did something

Six year gap between me and my sister, we never ever got on as children and we have no relationship as adults. Nobody cares, we live far apart, it's never impacted life.

I have the same age gap with my sister and we are really close. My mum never compared us and was good at reminding us each of our individual strengths. She also made sure everything was explicitly fair (E.g. I'm giving x money for the cinema because I gave you money for bowling) and she allowed us to jokingly gang up on her at times.

I'm not sure how much comes down to personality, but the above definitley helped us not to be competitive with one another which makes a close relationship easier.

My kids are adults and have always been close. They regularly meet up for weekends together and keep in touch all the time. I think a lot is luck but I wonder if the fact I encouraged them to play together helped. I didn't get them doing millions of activities so they had time to play with each other. I also encouraged lots of activities they enjoyed playing as a group such as board games and video games. They still play board games and video games now they adults.
I also didn't compare them.

I think it’s luck. But yes treat them the same but recognise they are different people.
DH and his brother are close in age. Totally different people. They rubbed along okay for years. Brother is under the impression that because he is older he is in charge and his mother encouraged that. It’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older so now we have little to do with him.

I'm interested to see what everyone says as I messed this up big time.

My eldest feels pushed out by youngest, there's 2 years between them. I was brought up alone so I had no idea how it all worked. Younger DD (now 21) had various seemingly minor health issues, but then became very unwell and is now housebound, but as much as I try to give equal time, love and attention, it's too late. I think eldest DD loves her sister but in the end she just wanted to get away. She rarely speaks to her, tolerates her in a way - like she's a burden. The only clue I have is she once told her Dad that her little sister was the "favourite" and later told me that she felt responsible for her care. Neither are true in my eyes but if they are in hers, that's what matters.

Although I know the issue of one being disabled is different and not relevant to this thread, the relationship had already broken down when they were, say, 7 and 9. So clearly I fucked up much earlier and I suspect I am still fucking it up.

2.5years between us and we do not get on and it 'breaks my mother's heart' - however its her behaviour over the years that has caused us not getting on now in the way she has alway treated us and the enablement of certain behaviours. So now I don't get on with my sister AND hate the emotional manipulation from my mother!!

Do not encourage either of them to come and gossip to you about the other! if they tell you something about the other especially if it's negative, deal with it openly, for all you know, it may be a pack of lies!

Be fair! do not resent one because they are more successful than the other when both have been given equal opportunities.

Me and my sister don't get on at all, and there's absolutely nothing our parents could have done differently. We're just very different people.

I was a quiet "stay in" kind of person, happy to read a book, just a few special very close friends. Sister was an outdoors-type, would talk to/play with anyone. I took my school work seriously and got decent qualifications. Sister couldn't be bothered with school, homework, etc., and barely got any qualifications.

As we grew older, she had a succession of short term boyfriends, lived with a few, married (and divorced) a couple. I only ever had two boyfriends, the first I dumped after a couple of months as he was a lazy waste of space, I took my time to find the second, with whom I've been with for nearly 40 years now!

I think the main difference is that she lives for the moment and doesn't "do" planning, happy to flit between people as she wants whether they're boyfriends, friends, family or whatever, whereas I am a planner and in it for a "slow burn" and have a few very close friendships, very close relationships with a few relatives, i.e. quality rather than quantity.

Our difference outlooks mean we just aren't compatible and are better off at arm's length. She disagrees with basically everything I do and everything I say, and I'm the same with her. She constantly whinges about how everything is so unfair, her poor job, not having a partner, children who barely go near, but in my opinion, it 99% her own fault because of her chaotic lifestyle. She thinks I live a perfect life, but thinks I've just been lucky and doesn't "get" the hours I spent slogging on studying, or careful selection of a boyfriend, of the hours I spent worrying, planning, researching, etc.

Absolutely nothing that our parents could have done to change any of it.

Every sibling relationship is different. You must make every effort not to project your own sibling issues on to your children though. There is absolutely no reason they won't get on when older. I have 3 siblings, I love and get on well with all of them, despite being different personality wise to some of them.

You don't necessarily have much control over this, beyond what PP have already said about ensuring you treat them both as fairly as possible and not to favour one over the other (emotionally or financially/ materially). Sometimes sibling disagreements have their roots in parental treatment/ perceived unfairness.

Try to accept them both for who they are and encourage them to see the good in one another.

Try to model and teach values of love and acceptance.

Beyond that - you really can't control their personalities or whether they will like one another as people when they are older.

I've got two sisters and a brother and we are all very close in age and are great friends still now we are past fifty!

We grew up close knit and that's continued throughout our lives.

Perhaps a sign of the times but in the 60s and 70s children didn't have masses of toys so there weren't squabbles over toys. We were also very outdoorsy with pets and ponies and animals played a part as looking after creatures does bring out caring and understanding.

My own children are not as close and they certainly had more toys than I did and didn't have the same freedom to roam outdoors as my siblings and I did.

One thing I did do the same as my parents was every birthday they had one on one attention with mother, an outing not necessarily on the actual birthday but close to it where I would have a lovely day or afternoon out being treated by mother.

I had a very idyllic childhood with two loving parents who loved each other as well as us. Seeing our parents be kind to each other and care about each other made us all care for each other.