Is there anything I can do to stop my daughters hating each other when they grow up?

[Weloveflowerss]

have a 2.5 year old and one year old so it’s a close age gap which everyone says is great but I don’t believe it because it’s a similar age gap with my sister and we don’t get on at all, I’m just wondering if it’s just complete personalities or upbringing has something to do with it too? I love seeing them play together and it breaks my heart to think one day they won’t get on like me and my sister

I disliked my little sis intensely when I was a child. I had older siblings - no problem - but I was forced to share a room with little sis and there was no peace, no privacy, no respect for my possessions. We were chalk and cheese in terms of personality.

We're in our 50s now and I can cope with a few hours with her, but that's enough.

If you can, make sure your dds can get space and time on their own. Make sure there is enough resource to go around. Please don't assume they will want to play together, share parties or dress alike. Let them choose.

Then play it by ear. They may get on fine.

Treat them equally. Don’t force them together. I’m 2 years older than my sister, I was always being told to play with my sister, take my sister out with me, share with my sister (I don’t think it went the other way though). We shared a bedroom, even though there would have been space for us not to share.

My sister and I didn’t get on as children / teens but as adults in our 30s we spend a lot of time together and she lives a few min walk away.

our parents always treated us incredibly fairly, although we still call the other one the favourite child and if one of us sees our parents without us we accuse them of having a top secret gathering.

Good question - I have a 2.5 yo DD and 1 yo DD and expecting DD3 in June!

First poster nailed it... especially with the 'be scrupulously fair' sentence.

I also didn't force my kids to play together especially when they had friends around. They were allowed their own friends.
I think I'm a relatively nice, accepting and fun person and I think my kids are the same. None of us are bad tempered, selfish or competitive. I like to think this is a result of my brilliant parenting but I imagine a lot of it is luck

I have 2 sisters and we are all 2 years apart. Growing up we were all very different and had fights and arguments etc but we've always been close. I don't see them that often face to face for many reasons but we keep in touch regularly and all get on great. Our parents have always treated us as equally as possible and are doing the same in their will.

Be fair and dont arbitrate their rows.

All the advice about being fair, with money, time and energy is good (though this is hard as they get older and you do different things with them).

My other advice is- open up the channels of communication with both of them separately, so that if there are any issues or resentments, and there's been a couple over the years, they can vent them and you can explain your own decisions. Often children latch onto something as 'unfair' when your thought process is completely different. So, being honest, explaining your thinking works well.

I'd also say they may have times where they don't like each other very much. Mine were very close as toddlers, through the primary years, but then once the eldest got to 10, she just moved onto teenage/pre-teen type books and clothes and life, when the youngest still wanted to play dress up. There was a period of at least a year or two where the oldest disliked the younger. I think it's ok to dislike someone, but not to be mean to them or be actively horrible. So, she was told to keep out of her way, or take herself off to the bedroom, not roll eyes and be nasty.

I don't believe though in letting kids fight it out (literally) between them, I know some do, if they started bickering or being nasty, I'd send one one way and one the other way. I don't want to listen to that, thanks. If you don't like your sibling being downstairs, go upstairs, if you don't like them coming in your room, get a lock. I don't like mean/nasty behaviour, although with two teen girls there have been the odd outbreaks over the years!

My dcs are 16 months apart and l had a no tolerance attitude to any slight nastiness to each other, ie pulled them up straight away if not sharing toys, did not allow name calling or an unkind word.

Essentially l taught them persistantly that you speak and act with respect to all members of the family, if you disagree then agree to disagree without temper tantrums, or walk away and do something else.

As they got older l reinforced that whilst there may be times you don't particularly get on with your sibling, they are your family and you should have each others back, (except in seriously bad circumstances, ie rude, obnoxious, dishonest behaviour)

Now late teens they still get on well thank goodness despite being totally opposite, and inevitable irritations are mostly laughed off.

The key was not allowing chaos and bad behaviour when small to others..ever.

I think it's down to the people concerned. I've got three girls, the first two have a 20 month age gap, and then there's four years between the younger of those and the next (with a brother in between). They all hated each other growing up, but now they are in their early thirties they get on much better and communicate frequently. They are all at similar life stages now and have far more in common than they did growing up - when a year meant such huge changes that they might as well have been different species.

22m between my brother and me. As @GoingDownLikeBHS said, I felt very pushed out, everything was about the baby/my little brother/he's younger than you etc. Being only a school year apart meant a social cross over at times which was crap. My things got handed down before I'd finished with them, but I had to remember I was a "big girl". I think sometimes parents forget that young children don't stop being young just because a younger one comes along. My brother is also ND which means I had to forgive some dreadful behaviour. My parents did not do any of this with unkindness, I was very loved, but did not feel as loved as 'the baby'. We have little to do with each other now.

@squirrelnutkin10 I agree about having each other's backs, I go for the 'you don't have to like everyone all the time, but we do all love each other' vibe on that one, and we are all quite defensive on behalf of each other (I mean emotionally). We are a team, I guess, doesn't mean we all have to get on perfectly because we don't!

Doubt it. I hate my sister. She bullied me relentlessly when we kids. I haven’t spoken to her in 8 years and it’s been bliss

I think it comes down to personalities, I don't really get on with my sister but close to my brother

There are five sisters in my family and I do not get on with one of them, none of us do. She has done some truly awful things to all but one of us. She was actually our Mothers favourite. Once Mum died none of us spoke to her again.

It comes down to personalities and external influences.

My partner and his brother are 2 and a bit years apart. They are friendly but not close. My partner likes to be with people his brother like solitude.

I have a younger sister 4 year age gap and an older sister 7 year age gap. They have both always gotten on and I have always gotten on with my older sister but me and my younger sister had a difficult relationship as she was very violent towards me and had a difficult time at school. As she was having a difficult time at school my mum gave her a freedom to do what she wanted to me without repercussions. Including pinning me to a wall by my throat. As adults all three of us are very close.

My dad is one for 5 and has a 2 to 21 year age gaps. Growing up he was very close to the 2 and 5 y age gaps (3 boys) but the 2y gap brother married a very toxic woman and had toxic children. He barely sees him any more. He treated the 21y age gap sister like a daughter as she's only a few years older than me so she often joined us on holidays and days out. He now very close with his all of his siblings except the 2y gap

There is 16 months between my mum and her sister. They can be close but her brother in law and niece and nephews can be hurtful so they fluctuate between being very close (dropping in randomly for cups of tea) and dropping back to only significant events throughout the year depending on what is good for my mum

Wow thanks so much for all the responses, they are really insightful and I will carry these forward.