Worried about 3 yo

[Toddlerdogmom]

My 3 yo has a lot of speech, never stops talking but it often makes no sense and you can’t have a conversation that makes sense.

I read how to talk so little kids will listen as I feel he rarely listens to me and often ignores me altogether which really annoys me (his hearing is fine) but it the conversations in that book are typical for 3 year olds we have a major problem, is it the book or my ds?

What's an example of a conversation that makes no sense?

If you ask him a question he generally ignores you, often rambles about something unrelated which may be in context (ds would you like some pasta for dinner … a plane mummy!) but you don’t get an answer, there’s rarely any sense of reciprocal communication if you like.

So what happens when he doesn't answer your question?

What happens if you ask him closed questions? Eg would you like pesto or tomato sauce on your pasta?

He just ignores you. Like I said …

I still get this occasionally now with my son and he's 6. I'll be talking about something and he just gets distracted and responds with something completely random so I have to keep redirecting. I remember at 3 it was all the time though!

@Shiningout that’s good to know! It makes life really hard, trying to talk to him about anything is so difficult as it’s unclear if he’s understood or not and he often talks over you too.

I think it might just be a developmental or personality thing. At three they are still quite self centred and won't want to be distracted from the big exciting world. My dd struggled a bit with conversation. Used to ask lots of questions but got in a rage if the answer wasn't the outcome she wanted, it has got better over the years but to be honest she is fiery, impatient and will be one of those people who expects the world to bend around her....despite my best efforts.

Thanks … it does make life a bit difficult because eg we’ve been struggling a bit with toileting and I’ve tried to talk to him about it but it’s really hard to as he just rambles on about nonsense so in the end you just give up. He also asks me the same question over and over (what’s that … it’s one of daddy’s tools … what’s that … one of daddy’s tools … what’s that … it’s a tool daddy uses …) drives
me bananas.

Does he ever respond on topic? What about if you offered him something really high value like chocolate or a trip to the toy shop? I would get his hearing tested if you haven’t already. Glue ear is pretty common in this age and it can come/go hence why he might have learned to speak pretty well so his speech seems fluent but he might not be able to hear you very well right now, hence the never answering on topic.

Does he attend any childcare? If so, do they have any concerns?
I would also check for hearing

His hearing is fine.

It depends, he’ll sometimes respond to half a question so if you offer him chocolate or a toy for doing something well he whinges on about the chocolate or toy without the ‘you need to do X first.’ It’s also why sticker charts don’t seem effective and I thought they would be.

Nursery have no concerns but he’s not exactly excelling either. They’ve also mentioned toileting is a concern and I agree but it’s very hard to approach because he won’t talk.

Ring up your local speech therapy department and ask if they accept self referrals. Be ready to have some examples of how he communicates. Worst case scenario, they say he sounds absolutely fine.

Fwiw I don't think it sounds quite right. Whilst attention isn't great at 3 you should be able to hold a simple conversation. What if you shared a book like "You Choose" - would he be able to choose and talk about his choices?

Unless you’ve had it checked v recently I wouldn’t assume that it is. Glue ear makes it sound as if they’re underwater apparently and can vary in severeness, may be both ears, may be just one. Therefore can make responding really variable as they may be catching snippets, and then bothering to try to respond if they think it’s something high value like chocolate, or maybe they can hear you only when you’re on one side and there’s no background noise. You should be able to have at least 2 back and forth exchanges where they respond in 2-3 word sentences with a 3YO so if he can’t do that then I’d definitely make an appointment with the GP or health visitor and hearing should be the first thing they check.

I remember the constant repeated questions from my toddlers. No matter what I said every time my daughter would ask and ask and ask. Try and humour it as much as you can- it’s daddies hammer, it’s daddies magic unicorn! What did you think it is? Is it a banana? Just laugh and make a game of it.

Face to face conversations. No screens. No background noise. Put out some toys he likes but only a couple. Say one baby and a pram and a blanket or a small selection of duplo or a tractor and a couple of animals. And engage him in play. See if he will play WITH you or ALONGSIDE you. Does he trade the items, pass them to you? Mummy this is my baby. Mummy you hold the baby. Keep it really simple and see if he plays and interacts with you.

Toileting-
get a potty some pants and a teddy and put the potty in the main room. Teddy goes potty a lot and teddy gets lots of praise and sometimes teddy has accidents in his pants and that’s ok. Mummy puts the pants in the washing machine. Role play it. He will catch on soon.

His hearing has been checked and it’s fine - it really is getting a little bit frustrating having to constantly repeat myself! Sorry, I’m not wanting to sound grumpy but I have enough of this in the day with ds! 😆

@DrRuthGalloway if we were looking at speech therapy we’d simply have to go private and no money for that unfortunately. I don’t know that book. He can and will choose things but also often says no to everything then chooses the thing you first suggested. It’s very frustrating!

@Sodypop we are a long long way past that with toileting … really. He’s nearly 3 and a half and isn’t getting it six months on. Wees are fine but he won’t poo on the toilet or potty.

He does role play and does a lot of imaginative play to the point I worry it’s too much. It is one reason we can’t get any sense out of him!

Why would you have to go private?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/You-Choose-Pippa-Goodhart/dp/0141379316/ref=asc_df_0141379316/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310871971371&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1613418754959932775&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046455&hvtargid=pla-450401562700&psc=1&mcid=5899f2007b5139aaa5fa388f5f0c8644&th=1&psc=1

Best book in the world for developing attention and conversation skills

I guess I was trying to ascertain if her will engage with you or others when he is in his flow so he’s directing the conversation and it’s an exchange?

I used to “check” my kids hearing but saying the word chocolate at low level while they were upstairs and the would beetle down and say- mummy is there chocolate???

Speech therapy is absolutely buckling at the knees round here and there is nothing discernibly wrong. He never shuts up 😆 but his talking makes little to no sense. And given nursery haven’t flagged any concerns at all it seems heavy handed to insist he goes on the waiting list for a speech therapist who he might get to see when he’s six.

Would he answer you when you show him options like do you want this or this? I'm just picking up on his big imagination...it seems like he might need a bit of help to see what's in front of him rather than asking him something abstract.

@Sodypop so this isn’t verbatim but I’d say this is a typical conversation

’Ds, have you had a poo?’
<silence>
(I sniff) ‘um I think you have … let’s go to the toilet and sort it!’
’mummy a dinosaur.’
’yes okay … ds it doesn’t matter if you have an accident but shall we try to get to the toilet next time?’
’paw patrol.’
(what?) ‘oh yes, paw patrol,’ (we have a paw patrol toilet seat) ‘but let’s try to get on the toilet next time shall we!’
’It’s my birthday party!’
’ah it was your birthday party but that was a while ago, we went to Elsie’s party remember!’
’I went to Elsie’s party’
’what did you enjoy doing at Elsie’s party?’
’paw patrol!’
(ffs)
’ds. was there anything at Elsie’s party that was lots of fun?’
’there’s a dinosaur!’

So I get in that specific example he might be embarrassed about pooing but it’s everything. Ask him if he’d like toast - silence. The two choices - would you like toast or cereal - and he just starts talking nonsense like above about parties or something. He was hurt last week and it was a pain as he wouldn’t or couldn’t explain what had happened even in a really basic way

So have you taken him to the GP, presumably for the hearing check and they reckon it’s all fine and not willing to refer to speech therapy either? Sorry for making yourself repeat yourself but his speech sounds quite behind, because they should be having proper exchanges with you at this point, so trying to work out what the professionals have said.

Toileting is dependent on following instructions, but if he’s doing wees fine and not poos then that’s probably just 3YO stubbornness maybe mixed with some fear related withholding and possibly constipation. It’s very common, half the kids in DS’s nursery class have had issues with poos and the Oh Crap book has a whole chapter on poop for a very good reason! So fustrating as it is, I wouldn’t be overly concerned. Almost all do get there in time for starting school.

@InTheRainOnATrain since you won’t accept my answers here’s a more detailed medical history which to be honest I shouldn’t have to provide.

DS had a series of ear infections as a young toddler - around fourteen months. Since then he has been under an ENT consultant at the local hospital and we are actually in discussions at the moment about whether to operate as his ear infections cause him considerable pain. However for the third and final time it has not affected his hearing.

1. it’s been tested extensively as we would expect
2. he does hear you. It’s selective hearing. Say ds, shall we put your shoes on three times and he ignores you, say what a shame, ds doesn’t want to go to the park, I’ll just take dd - he hears.
3. he talks. This isn’t a child who has not heard speech due to deafness and therefore struggles to speak. He never shuts up and his speech is clear and able to be understood. It’s reciprocal speech that’s the problem.

I really would like you to drop this now please. It’s becoming an unnecessary pain.

Have you taken him to GP and/or HV and explained your concerns? I don't think it sounds right.