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Original poster

Daughters Boyfriend

50 replies

Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 12:18

I need some advice. My daughter is 29. Her first boyfriend was staying in my house a lot when she was 19. I had to put a stop to that because of all the problems he caused. A couple of years later she was with a new boyfriend and was with him for a while before he started staying at my house. He eventually ended up living here whilst they saved for a deposit and moved in together. That relationship ended badly and she moved back home. She is now 29 and met a new boyfriend a couple of months ago, who is 34. He is currently living with his parents. She brought the new boyfriend to meet us. He sat chatting for maybe half an hour before disappearing up to her bedroom where they basically remained for 2 days. We are now 8 weeks since first having met him. He stays here a lot. Comes and goes as he pleases, barely speaks to us as he heads up to her bedroom and I've just had enough. He is a total stranger to me, staying in my house. I've had a huge argument with my daughter this morning who has said it's myself and my husband who have the problem and we are just jealous of her happiness. Of course we want my daughter to be happy but this is the 3rd boyfriend we've now had to put up with and we don't even know this one. She has just turned everything on us. She is a nurse and far from stupid but her selfishness and refusal to compromised is totally unfair. We should have been able to get to know him before he started staying in our home

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 02/04/2024 13:06

It’s up to you who you have in your home, and when you’re okay with them staying, especially when they’re treating the home as their own! Is your Dd paying rent? She gets a bit more of a say if she does, but it’s still you who can decide what the rules are and what you’re comfortable with in your home. Could you set up certain times when you’re okay with him coming?

Kelly51 · 02/04/2024 13:06

Time for her to move out

Illpickthatup · 02/04/2024 13:12

You're completely within your rights to dictate who can and can't stay in your home and is DD doesn't like it she can get her own place. I completely get that nurses don't get paid as much as they probably should but she should get paid enough to get her own place. Time for her to grow up. I'd also be questioning why a 34yo man is still living with his parents. They're both fully grown adults behaving like teenagers. Stand your ground and chuck them out.

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WhatTheFuckIsThat · 02/04/2024 13:13

It's high time she cleared off and had her own place.

Ilovelurchers · 02/04/2024 13:19

If you tell her she can't have her boyfriend over at 29, she probably will move out, and I wouldn't expect to see an awful lot of her after that.....

You will get a lot of 'your house, your rules" responses on here, and of course you can insist on that if you like, but expect it to have an impact on your relationship with your daughter.

Your beef with this guy seems to be primarily that he doesn't talk to you much - but maybe he is shy? As long as he is polite when spoken to, I wouldn't worry too much. No doubt they want to spend their time together - he is dating her, not you!

Anyway, it's your choice. But I wouldn't expect her to like it if you ban him from the house, or restrict his visits.

Original poster
Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 15:39

He isn't shy. Just rude and treating my house like his personal doss house. He only lives 5 minutes away with his own parents so I don't see the need for him to be here all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 15:40

And yes he's dating her not me! But he's 34 years old and this is my house, not hers

OP posts:
BruFord · 02/04/2024 15:44

Ilovelurchers · 02/04/2024 13:19

If you tell her she can't have her boyfriend over at 29, she probably will move out, and I wouldn't expect to see an awful lot of her after that.....

You will get a lot of 'your house, your rules" responses on here, and of course you can insist on that if you like, but expect it to have an impact on your relationship with your daughter.

Your beef with this guy seems to be primarily that he doesn't talk to you much - but maybe he is shy? As long as he is polite when spoken to, I wouldn't worry too much. No doubt they want to spend their time together - he is dating her, not you!

Anyway, it's your choice. But I wouldn't expect her to like it if you ban him from the house, or restrict his visits.

@IlovelurchersHe’s 34 and doesn’t have the basic manners to exchange social niceties with his hosts? How is that acceptable? My DC are 18 and 15 and their friends are far more polite, plus they’d never consider having them stay without asking us first.

Their DD is being equally rude. Let her get angry, OP, if she wants her own space, she can leave and pay for it, like most adults of nearly 30.
Honestly, I can’t believe the behavior that some people try to excuse-these are fully fledged adults, not even young adults!

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/04/2024 15:46

She's 29 - time for her to move out and get her own place. In the meantime its your house and any guests need to be respectful and polite. And you get to set all the ground rules.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2024 15:48

Does she pay rent OP?

Original poster
Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 16:07

Mrsttcno1 she pays her keep which isn't an awful lot and includes all her meals etc and packed lunches for work. She does no cleaning or laundry or household chorea whatsoever. Paying rent isn't the issue. The issue is this is her 3rd boyfriend basically coming here whenever he wants, staying for as long as he wants. And thinking he has a right to because she pays keep. I don't think the fact she pays keep means that she can move random men into my house and as I said, we don't even know this man. He came to my house to introduction himself and stayed 2 days straight, in her bedroom for 2 days. And now comes and goes as he pleases, even coming here when she's at work and saying he's going up to her bedroom to wait for her. He is a total stranger to us. If we'd has a chance to get to know him at least a little bit first, then it wouldn't have been so bad. I think it's completely disrespectful and for anyone to say if I don't just accept all what she does then she will move out and it will be my bad, just seems to be saying it's OK to be subjected to this level of disrespectful behaviour by not only my daughter but her latest boyfriend. She had her own place at one point, realised how expensive it was and had to forego all her luxuries and designer clothes etc so its much easier at 29 years of age, to move back in with mum, have no responsibilities and just do what you like!

OP posts:
rightoguvnor · 02/04/2024 16:09

Time for her to move out, and I say that as someone whose DD's boyfriend came to stay for lockdown....and never went.
However, he pays rent, helps out around the house, wouldn't dream of not acknowledging us when coming in and out, and buys me Bombay Sapphire gin for my birthday!
They are saving for a decent deposit, and I sincerely hope they'll be gone by the time they turn 25 - I won't be entertaining it at 29.

Bbbbbbbby · 02/04/2024 16:15

She does no cleaning or laundry or household chorea whatsoever

Oh no! She sounds very immature and selfish.
I wouldn't like the guy staying so much either.
Their attitude sounds awful. It's your home and you have the right to feel comfortable. I get on really well with my kids partners but I wouldn't want them staying in my house all the time. Luckily my kids have moved out.
Yanbu

Flossieskeeper · 02/04/2024 16:19

I wouldn’t put up with that.
I would be putting up rent to 50% of her pay and not doing any of her laundry to encourage her to move out.
boyfriend would not be getting over the threshold whilst dd wasn’t in.
yanbu op but you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. You need to stand up for yourself.

Theraininspainfalls · 02/04/2024 16:29

I’m not surprised you’re fed up. She either stays at his house or moves out. At 29 it’s high time.

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/04/2024 16:31

Crikey, is there an influx of late 20's - early 30's blokes cock lodging with their girlfriend's parents? 🤨

Sorry, but if I was your daughter I'd be thinking I need to raise my bar somewhat.
Find a dude with a career and his own place firstly.
Then he won't need to shack up with her in her childhood bedroom.
Yuk!
Not for me OP.
You have my sympathies. 💐

DeepFriedKermit · 02/04/2024 16:34

How does he get in? So you let him in or does he have a key?

RainRaingoaway01 · 02/04/2024 16:37

I would hate that. Yes I would suggest she starts looking for her own place.

BrassOlive · 02/04/2024 16:44

Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 16:07

Mrsttcno1 she pays her keep which isn't an awful lot and includes all her meals etc and packed lunches for work. She does no cleaning or laundry or household chorea whatsoever. Paying rent isn't the issue. The issue is this is her 3rd boyfriend basically coming here whenever he wants, staying for as long as he wants. And thinking he has a right to because she pays keep. I don't think the fact she pays keep means that she can move random men into my house and as I said, we don't even know this man. He came to my house to introduction himself and stayed 2 days straight, in her bedroom for 2 days. And now comes and goes as he pleases, even coming here when she's at work and saying he's going up to her bedroom to wait for her. He is a total stranger to us. If we'd has a chance to get to know him at least a little bit first, then it wouldn't have been so bad. I think it's completely disrespectful and for anyone to say if I don't just accept all what she does then she will move out and it will be my bad, just seems to be saying it's OK to be subjected to this level of disrespectful behaviour by not only my daughter but her latest boyfriend. She had her own place at one point, realised how expensive it was and had to forego all her luxuries and designer clothes etc so its much easier at 29 years of age, to move back in with mum, have no responsibilities and just do what you like!

Why on earth did you let her move back?! Why are you letting any of this happen? This is utterly bizarre.

I seriously need to get my tubes tied if 29 and 34 year olds are still permitted to sponge off their parents. Jesus christ.

Jennalong · 02/04/2024 16:51

@Tjs66

He isn't shy. Just rude and treating my house like his personal doss house. He only lives 5 minutes away with his own parents so I don't see the need for him to be here all the time

Not a doss house , but a shag pad !

I'd think between them they could afford a premier inn/ travelodge if they are planning a 2 day love-in.

Original poster
Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 16:52

BrassOlive I don't know how I've let this happen....she's a nurse working long hours and endures a lot through her job and suffered immensely during covid etc. I just wanted her to feel happy safe and secure. But she's took this to extremes and took the piss and it's snowballed......

OP posts:
Original poster
Tjs66 · 02/04/2024 16:54

@Jennalong This exactly!!

OP posts:
Bibbetybobbity · 02/04/2024 16:54

I’m always team chill with these kind of posts, but no way would even I be happy with this. I think you’re entirely justified OP- sounds so frustrating and the letting himself in/sitting in her room just wouldn’t work for me. At the very, very least there should have been at upfront conversation (instigated by your dd) at some point to set some basic ground rules/expectations. I also would be worried that it’s never ending? I might be more lenient if they were very actively saving for a deposit, but are they? So hard to change it now without damaging your relationship, but I would be finding this so annoying too and would also have to tackle it.

Dacadactyl · 02/04/2024 16:56

I wouldn't be having this either.

I'd just say to her that you've realised that having her boyfriends staying over is not for you and it can't continue.

She'll either have to save up quicker to move out or move in with his parents, if they're daft enough to let her stay.

CorylusAgain · 02/04/2024 17:07

This is about your dd's actions, not her bf's.

I understand why you are unhappy but I don't understand how you have felt this way for 10 years and not had a conversation with your dd setting some ground rules.

It sounds like you tolerated this behaviour with the 2 previous bfs so why wouldn't she think it was ok this time? Did you speak calmly with her immediately after his first 2 day stay?

Of course she should have more respect for your home. But you need to set the expectations. Letting things go for a decade then having a row isn't going to work.

She must have quite a lot of savings if she has paid so little whilst living with you. Time to speak openly with a view to maintaining your relationship whilst also being comfortable in your own home. And if there's not a solution you're happy with it means it's time for your dd to move out