Daughters Boyfriend

[Tjs66]

I need some advice. My daughter is 29. Her first boyfriend was staying in my house a lot when she was 19. I had to put a stop to that because of all the problems he caused. A couple of years later she was with a new boyfriend and was with him for a while before he started staying at my house. He eventually ended up living here whilst they saved for a deposit and moved in together. That relationship ended badly and she moved back home. She is now 29 and met a new boyfriend a couple of months ago, who is 34. He is currently living with his parents. She brought the new boyfriend to meet us. He sat chatting for maybe half an hour before disappearing up to her bedroom where they basically remained for 2 days. We are now 8 weeks since first having met him. He stays here a lot. Comes and goes as he pleases, barely speaks to us as he heads up to her bedroom and I've just had enough. He is a total stranger to me, staying in my house. I've had a huge argument with my daughter this morning who has said it's myself and my husband who have the problem and we are just jealous of her happiness. Of course we want my daughter to be happy but this is the 3rd boyfriend we've now had to put up with and we don't even know this one. She has just turned everything on us. She is a nurse and far from stupid but her selfishness and refusal to compromised is totally unfair. We should have been able to get to know him before he started staying in our home

they’re both old enough to behave better than this.

I think you definitely need to have a serious word, he shouldn’t be being rude or ignoring you. And she can’t just keep moving boyfriends in and out of your house and effecting everyone else.

If they’re both at home can they not split the time more evenly? Especially if he’s just coming over when she’s not there all the time.

At 29 sh should be independent. Tell her to rent a room.

TBH this guy sounds a bit creepy. Coming and going when it suits him, neglible social interaction (and I bet he eats you out of house and home!)

I don't know who is the rudest: this weird git or your daughter who seems to have cultivated a "hobby" of bringing home losers, as if she's under the illusion that you are running a Premier Inn.

It's "My Roof My Rules" time. After all, he has a home with his parents to go to, so he won't be on the streets. Maybe your daughter would like to go with him......

Can't she stay at his?

I just don’t understand how people let this happen. Or how entitled adult children behave this way. It’s your house op. If you don’t like her behaviour, she stops it or she leaves… it’s really simple.

I sympathise completely. My adult son did this with his new girlfriend. She was briefly introduced to us then whisked up to his bedroom. We are by no means "softies" but it's surprising how quickly this situation can develop. I had a right go at my son about respect when we could hear them having sex morning, noon and night but they didn't seem embarrassed at all. I would have been mortified if dh's or my own parents had said that to us when dating, although we would never have behaved like that in the first place in their homes. Ds and girlfriend eventually split up and I'm determined that when ds meets someone else I am going to put my foot down from the start and no-one is allowed to stay over. The first time around it took us by surprise, we really never expected him to behave that way but next time I'm all prepared for it!

My DSS is 17 and has been dating his GF for just over a year. She's only ever stayed over once when DH and I were away on an overnight. Until recently DSS has always asked of she can come over and she always says hello and goodbye although they do spend the majority of the time in his room. That's absolutely fine, I wouldn't expect or necessarily want them to be handing around with us.

Your DD and her BF are completely taking the piss. I think you should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. Now she will absolutely take it for granted that this BF can come and go as he pleases as the others did. I also can't believe you still do her washing etc. She is still there because you're making it too easy for her. My DSS works full time, has certain chores he's expected to do and does all his own washing. I think you either need to run a tighter ship or tell her to move out. Ideally the latter. She's almost 30, she has no reason to still be living at home.

You've got a 34 year old man acting like a teenager in your home. And a 29 year old woman in fact.

Get the pair of them out. Why the hell are you cleaning and washing for a woman of that age?!

Ew I would've absolutely hated living with my parents at 29, even more so if I had a regular boyfriend

I was about to ask the same question. If he lives 5 minutes away why is all of this on the OP. I'd tell her to get over to his place and treat it like a doss house.

They are both absolutely taking the piss. So entitled and rude. Give your DD a month’s notice to move out. Stop the boyfriend staying over right now - let his parents take a turn and see how long it lasts.

I wouldn't be having that.

I've got adult dc, and they live away from home but often visit with their partners. They rarely spend time upstairs apart from overnight - on the odd occasion they might say "oh, we fancy going to watch a film upstairs, would you mind? Don't want to be rude" and I'm fine with that.

Disappearing upstairs the whole time is just ignorant.

Yes to this @Tjs66. Your daughter has been taking advantage of you for years. Bad enough you (and your husband?) have allowed her to get away with such entitled behaviour on her own behalf but what on Earth!!! Moving her rude boyfriends in as well without, it seems, you being consulted and agreeing to this. She is 29 not 19 and should have sorted her finances out over the last decade so she can finance her own home and life without relying so heavily on you.

Surely sharing the costs of a place with her boyfriend might have been a possibility? She needs to grow up now though, however angry that might make her. 🌹

What a pair of losers!

29 and 34 respectively and still living with their parents!

Well, maybe they aren't losers as they seem to doing what they want in your home!

Enough is enough. Your daughter needs to stand on her own two feet and if her and her boyfriend are keen on each other, your putting an end to them treating your home as a love shack will force their hand to get a place together.

Exactly, it’s ridiculous.

I can't believe they're 29 and 34 and happy to spend 2 days sitting in her bedroom in her mums house. How embarrassing... really I think she needs to hear that it's time to move out and stop pretending to be 17

Your dd should go and stay at his parents house a couple of times a week…

@CorylusAgain I haven't "tolerated" this for 10 years and I haven't felt like this for 10 years and "let things go for a decade". I never said that at all. I've supported her. There's a difference.
The first boyfriend was a relative to another in-law in my family so i knew him and knew his family. The second long term boyfriend I had known for some time before he moved in and they saved for a deposit and got their own place.
But this latest boyfriend is a whole different ball game. She has known him less than 3 months and I don't know him at all. And of course I have spoken with her about this man and expressed my concerns! I don't think this is all down to the actions and behaviour of just my daughter. I think a 34 year old man should have more respect and behave in a more reasonable manner and shouldn't need to be told at his age, what is acceptable.

I totally agree.

Nah, no way op.

She's needs to get gone. There is no way I'd put up with this.

They both need to stand on their own two feet

Does he have a job?

@Tjs66
You started your post by going back 10 years. It would have been perfectly easy to start from just 3 months go and focused on this new boyfriend. But you chose to go back, which to me indicates that you have had frustrations / concerns/issues over that time.

I expect my dd to know what is OK or not ok in my home because we've talked about it. I expect her to ensure that her bf behaves in a way that wouldn't offend or upset me. And if that didn't happen I would raise it with her.

Your dd's bf is being rude and disrespectful. I'd want to know why my dd is happy to be with a rude and disrespectful man! My focus wouldn't be on trying to improve the bf's manners but on why is my dd accepting that and behaving the same way.

Either she's entitled because there haven't groundrules or she's damaged in some way perhaps by past relationships and needs help to make better choices

Tell them you want to meet his parents to discuss who is welcome where, and when, and to draw up a realistic rent for them BOTH to pay to each set of parents for the privilege of treating the parental homes as hotels. If they stall, or make strings of excuses, you give her four weeks’ notice to grow up and find accommodation just like other adults.

That would piss me off at 19, never mind 29 because it's plain rude. I would just talk to her and suggest it's time she found her own place and then they can ignore everyone else to their heart's content.

She's dating immature, over indulged men because she's an immature,over indulged woman.

She also doesn't do any chores.

Time for a serious chat.

I think you are entitled to lay down the law and say he can’t stay any more. Your daughter sounds intelligent so surely can understand how disrespectful her behaviour is. What does your husband think?