Help me make sense of this decision

[CockerMum]

I’m fairly sure I don’t want children. I’m in my mid 30’s and aside from a couple of broody months here and there I’ve felt this way since I can remember. I’m married and what most people would call “financially secure” (more on this later) so many people seem to be expecting us to have children soon - the expectation combined with my age means it has been on my mind a lot recently but the more I think about it the less I feel it is what I want, which I know is totally fine but when I tell myself that I then have a sad feeling as well.
I am quite a practical person so I have literally got a list of pros and cons, and it does occur to me that this is not how most people make this decision. Am I overthinking it? Do I really actually want childr n but the practicalities are what is putting me off, when in reality I know people make it work in less than ideal circumstances? I suppose I am worried I will live to regret it and by the time I realise that I will be too old and we will struggle.
In case it matters here is my list of reasons for not wanting children (no offence meant by any of these by the way they are entirely personal to me and not meant to be in any way judgemental at anyone else’s choices):

• The early years appear to be boring, repetitive and hard work
• Although we are financially secure just the two of us, me stopping working for mat leave then either reducing hours or putting the child in nursery when I went back would tip us into a less than comfortable situation
• Risk to my physical and mental wellbeing from the pregnancy, birth and infant rearing time
• Restricting our freedom - which frankly we have gotten used to I.e going wherever we want on holiday etc. The idea of pushing a buggy around a centre parcs or similar makes my heart sink
• Impact on career progression for both of us which is important to us
• We are considering moving overseas in the next five years and a child would make this difficult for various reasons
• Impact on our pets (dog, cat, small animals)

Reading the list you may think “you don’t want kids, don’t do it then” but I can’t make peace with the thought and I really don’t know why. Is it maternal instinct / hormones and will pass? I would just really appreciate people’s thoughts - especially if you’ve had similar debates with yourself at some point in time, however it panned out.

@CockerMum I certainly wouldn't in your position go for it and have a child now just in case you later get a strong urge.

Your cons list is valid and it does sound like you could be very happy and have a fulfilled life without children.

I am one of those people who had the natural urge to have children and wouldn't change my life with two but I can imagine if I didn't have that urge and desire and love of all the good aspects of being a Mum the day to day noise/lack of freedom etc would be very challenging

I don't think you need to allow any societal pressure to have an impact on your judgement. If you don't want children, why have them? They are physically and emotionally exhausting, they add stress to a marriage, they are fiendishly expensive, they – if you are in the lucky majority – last forever. You never switch off the 'Are they happy? Are they safe?' radar that scans your brain several times a day.

If you do want children, these things are immaterial. the phenomenal love they create and give, the joy and fun and silliness restored to adult life, the exceptional privilege of helping another human grow strong and kind and brave, and to pursue interests that never occurred to you - that variety and depth of emotion they bring is, for me, what it's all about.

But I craved children biologically and so did DH. We both knew we desperately wanted to have children. To me, that's the baseline of the decision.

If I got pregnant accidentally (not likely as I have an IUD) I know that I would not be willingly terminate a viable pregnancy. I know we could give a child a happy home… my biggest fear is getting to my late 30s/ early 40s, having “the feeling” and then not being able to conceive. This makes me think I should gamble and give it a go.

Based on this I think you should try for a child. What even is "the feeling"?

If you say that missing the chance is your "biggest fear", then you need to try. You get gut feelings and your biggest fear is leaving it too late and not being able to conceive. You don't have much time left.

Everyone I know who didn't want a child did not have any fear about missing the chance. They simply didn't want children, end of story.

Would you be prepared to have your IUD removed and there being more chance of conceiving accidentally? Or is it that you can allow yourself the thought that you would continue an accidental pregnancy because you know it is a vanishingly small possibility?

I think the fleeting feelings you have about wanting a child are like the ones you get when you’re on holiday and you have a little fantasy about living there permanently. The reality is, you’re going to carry on with your life as it is and be perfectly happy doing that.