Help me make sense of this decision

[CockerMum]

I’m fairly sure I don’t want children. I’m in my mid 30’s and aside from a couple of broody months here and there I’ve felt this way since I can remember. I’m married and what most people would call “financially secure” (more on this later) so many people seem to be expecting us to have children soon - the expectation combined with my age means it has been on my mind a lot recently but the more I think about it the less I feel it is what I want, which I know is totally fine but when I tell myself that I then have a sad feeling as well.
I am quite a practical person so I have literally got a list of pros and cons, and it does occur to me that this is not how most people make this decision. Am I overthinking it? Do I really actually want childr n but the practicalities are what is putting me off, when in reality I know people make it work in less than ideal circumstances? I suppose I am worried I will live to regret it and by the time I realise that I will be too old and we will struggle.
In case it matters here is my list of reasons for not wanting children (no offence meant by any of these by the way they are entirely personal to me and not meant to be in any way judgemental at anyone else’s choices):

• The early years appear to be boring, repetitive and hard work
• Although we are financially secure just the two of us, me stopping working for mat leave then either reducing hours or putting the child in nursery when I went back would tip us into a less than comfortable situation
• Risk to my physical and mental wellbeing from the pregnancy, birth and infant rearing time
• Restricting our freedom - which frankly we have gotten used to I.e going wherever we want on holiday etc. The idea of pushing a buggy around a centre parcs or similar makes my heart sink
• Impact on career progression for both of us which is important to us
• We are considering moving overseas in the next five years and a child would make this difficult for various reasons
• Impact on our pets (dog, cat, small animals)

Reading the list you may think “you don’t want kids, don’t do it then” but I can’t make peace with the thought and I really don’t know why. Is it maternal instinct / hormones and will pass? I would just really appreciate people’s thoughts - especially if you’ve had similar debates with yourself at some point in time, however it panned out.

I agree that wanting children was a basic urge/instinct for me. I was never in any doubt I would have them. Even now I wouldn’t be able to explain why I wanted children, just that I did.

Some people just don’t have that urge I think and others at the other end of the scale have too strong an urge and are constantly having children.

Your pros list does read like someone who doesn't want children.

I find a lot of joy in being a mum. I didn't find the first years boring. It has affected my career as I'm single and so I've made sacrifices, but in the end, what does having a great career mean?

I think if you don’t feel that you can’t imagine life without them, then having children probably isn’t right for you.

I did IVF for my children because I felt a strong calling, a deep down desire for them, that I knew couldn’t be fulfilled in another way. I don’t regret it for a second and I love my children a million times more than I could have imagined, however, it really isn’t for the faint hearted - I’m hitting the tween / teen years now and navigating through that is proving nail-bitingly nerve-wracking for me - you can only ever really be as happy as your unhappiest child. It really is a lifelong and life changing decision, and I think you’re right to consider it carefully.

I'm a logical pragmatist and wasn't very 'maternal'. I don't like children generally and there's an expectation placed upon us women by society that we should enjoy spending time with kids. I would have been very happy to not have children but in my mid-30s I suddenly had a strong biological urge to bear my husband's children. I can't express it any other way. I now have two DC. I was 36 and 39 when I had them. I still don't like other people's kids but love mine with a fierceness and depth I couldn't have previously anticipated. They were hard work when they were younger but the joy I experience through motherhood is wonderful.

I'm expected to spend a lot of time with others' kids as part of being a mum and I fake it well but really have no desire to do so. I am super-successful in my career (in the leadership team) so that didn't take a back seat but I, of course, prioritise my kids.

Your post to me sounds like you have FOMO rather than a strong desire to have kids. And @Mummame2222's post sounds naive to me. You have time to change your mind if you'd like but I'm not perceiving a burning desire for parenthood from you. And that's completely fine.

I disagree that not wanting to have ivf or adopt means that you don't really want children. When we were ttc and were having problems, I was very clear in my mind that if we didn't conceive and carry to term, that ivf nor adoption were an option for me. I'd make my peace with being child free.

Thank you - this makes sense to me. I suppose I feel that if I am going to get that overwhelming urge people talk about eventually then I’d rather have them sooner than later given the practical implications but if you don’t know until you know then I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Perhaps. 🤷‍♀️

All though biologically, she doesn’t have that much time to change her mind.

I’m always of the mindset of don’t have children if you aren’t actually sure you want them. They are hard work and exhausting. They cost a fortune. My children are my world but they require a new level of selflessness from DH and I. We so rarely do things for ourselves and we make decisions based on what is best for them or what they’ll enjoy. We always knew we wanted children though and the pros outweigh the cons for us.

I was maternal from quite a young age and always wanted children. This blinded me to other big things (see other posts for the fact I married an abusive fucktard 😂)

I am now divorced with 3 living children (1 stillborn). They are lovely little beings.
I wish I had made a pros and cons list, or at least allowed my rational thoughts to be aired.
I know you and DH are not in this situation, but children are a massive pressure on a relationship as they bring up every flaw and issue from your childhoods/ your value system which you (I!) may have ignored for now.

I wouldn't have had children with him if I'd done a list.

I regret having children, but not them if you see what I mean...?!

Anyway- I'd say if you're wavering at all- don't have them!

Thank you and I am so sorry for the loss of your baby x

For me it's not a why question, you could just as easily ask people why they want to fall in love. Its a really strong overwhelming feeling/need. I've know I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I have several friends who felt the exact same overwhelming pull. No kids was always a deal breaker for me and those friends. I know not every woman who wants kids feels that, but for me that was always there. I don't think you need to have that overwhelming desire to be a parent to have children, but it does add a large weight to the pros side of the list. I dont know how I would have coped with everything if that hadn't been the case, but my kids all have SEN and higher levels of need so its a bit different.

I wouldn't have kids because of FOMO or if on the fence, even if your child is perfectly healthy and doesn't have SEN it can still be really tough. Maybe unpacking this more with a therapist might help you work out what you actually want, as opposed to what might be the voices of societal expectations and what's the scary unknowns and what's you wondering if you miss out if you decide not to have children. It is big question and if its not an easy one for you to answer Id wait a bit and think on it.

You're in a position of over-thinking it because you're not feeling a natural instinct to have children. You're trying to puzzle out a problem that most women don't have, they just naturally want to become mothers.

I also "just knew" I wanted children. I have always known I would, even from a young age, and never questioned that it would happen. It wasn't even a strong desire, it was just a natural instinct that this is what I was going to do. The thought of not having children never crossed my mind. You say "but why?" Well, it's just evolution. We're built that way.

You should continue to give it some serious thought as you don't have a lot of time left to make a decision. But I agree with PP that nowadays people talk very negatively about having children, which is a shame. You can overthink yourself into a complete tizz, even after the baby has arrived.

Do you spend any time with children? Of all ages? Mind you I found other people's children didn't really tug on the maternal strings, I thought they were smelly, loud, sticky fingered and seriously curbed independence of their parents.

But then something just clicked one day and I thought I couldn't imagine life without them. Maybe it was biological clock and social conditioning and even meeting the right person? Being in a stable and solid relationship made a difference because I felt different in myself.

Babies grow up - my kids are now young adults, but they are my pride and joy because they are people I choose to spend time with. As young children there were some tough times, but I never regretted having them. I do sometimes think what life would be like if we didn't have them, and we'd be ok, but I feel my life is richer for them in it.

I have friends and siblings who didn't want kids, it was an absolute no as far as they were concerned.

Yes I do spend time with children due to parts of my job and sometimes I get a brief “deep in the gut” feeling that I want a baby of my own but it literally lasts for seconds. I can see how if that feeling was to be a constant thing then it would be impossible to ignore, but for me it isn’t.

I'm not sure it's possible to explain beyond 'when you know, you know' for the vast majority. It's not something I ever queried. I just wanted children. Try thinking of things you enjoy having/doing & try to explain why.

Yes I do spend time with children due to parts of my job and sometimes I get a brief “deep in the gut” feeling that I want a baby of my own but it literally lasts for seconds. I can see how if that feeling was to be a constant thing then it would be impossible to ignore, but for me it isn’t.

Hmm... I have a friend who has never wanted children. Never. Unwavering. She works with children and loves her friends' kids. She has never felt the way you describe.

I have always known that I wanted children and to be honest I never felt a desire or something "deep in my gut". I'm quite a practical person and I've never felt the "broody" feeling people talk about. I just knew factually that I wanted to have children.

I knew I wanted to have a baby from a very young age. It never even occurred to me that there was an option not to. I was always being told that i was very maternal but in fact i think that was because i had a sister much younger than me and i looked after her a lot.
I think if you’ve come to the point of writing a pros and cons list then you don’t really want them. Being a parent is wonderful but it limits your life in the ways you mention and it’s incredibly hard work. The baby toddler years are exhausting. The teen years can break you. Your commitment never ends even when they are grown adults. It is wonderful to see them grow into lovely adults but I think you have to have really wanted them for no rational reason, because objectively having children is not rational unless of course you need an heir!

I would never have described myself as maternal but did always have in the back of my mind that I would have children.
But it wasn't until I met DH and he also expressed a desire to have children that it became real. Then it was an all encompassing urge and the thought became a need.
I would have broken up with DH if we couldn't have kids - the child became more important to me than the relationship. (And truthfully, probably still is).
We have one DD and I have 2 SDC. We talked about second baby (which I wanted) but he was very clear he was done. I was able to adjust to this decision - so my breaker was a child, but I did accept no more.

I don’t think it is a black and white issue and I don’t think you need to be absolutely sure either way to make a decision. There is a lot of societal pressure, and people telling you that you’ll regret it if you don’t have children. There is also the fact that you will have the decision taken away at some point which can make you feel pressured.

I think if you can come to terms with a degree of uncertainty then that is fine to decide not to have children.

OP your husband sounds very much like mine as he said all the same things. I also felt like you in terms of not being sure whether I wanted children or didn’t want them. I also did a for and against list.

In my against list I was worried about the pain and trauma of giving birth, whether I could be a good enough mum and love them enough, whether I could be unselfish enough, cope with the restriction of our freedom etc. My for list was I felt I was depriving my husband of being a dad even though he said he loved me and he would be happy either way, I thought I might regret it later when it was too late, I was curious etc.

I finally decided to try and see what happened but I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure. It took ages to get pregnant at all and then we lost two babies by then I was on a treadmill to conceive. By 37 I thought one more month trying and then I am giving up nature is trying to tell us something. Then we finally had kids. I love them more than I could ever have imagined. They are very hard work, annoying, time consuming, selfish, embarrassing (if they didn’t behave in public), deprive you of all your spare time, cash and freedom. I am sure we would have been happy either way but I wouldn’t change things for the world they have brought me happiness, filled me with pride, love and they have taught me things about life, myself and my way of seeing the world.

You still have a few years to decide OP.

I don’t think anyone can answer the question for you OP. But I will say that I was undecided for years then one day I kind of did ‘just know.’ The same way you ‘just know’ when you meet the person you want to marry. I think if you are as uncertain as you seem to be it probably isn’t the right thing. I love parenting more than I ever thought I would, but that’s partly because I really wanted it. It’s really hard sometimes and I think if I hadn’t actively and enthusiastically chosen it that would be 100x harder.

Thank you for your insight.

If I got pregnant accidentally (not likely as I have an IUD) I know that I would not be willingly terminate a viable pregnancy. I know we could give a child a happy home… my biggest fear is getting to my late 30s/ early 40s, having “the feeling” and then not being able to conceive. This makes me think I should gamble and give it a go.

This is the recurring theme isn’t it. This thread has been really helpful, thank you everyone

Its a really difficult decision to make either way and one you really can’t compromise on unlike many decisions in life its also time limited.

I know someone slightly older than me who had a baby as she thought it was expected of her and she openly said she would only ever have the one child and she didn’t care which grandparents looked after him on a weekend or midweek as long as she didn’t have to. I felt really sorry for her son. He was a bit of a loner and ended up getting in with the wrong crowd.

Having children is also hard as whilst they do bring you a lot of joy they also bring you a lot of stress and worry. No decision is right for everyone. Take your time enjoying life and deciding over the next couple of years and see how you feel then. Take care.

It's the difference between thoughts and feelings.

You can think practically about the pros and cons but what you describe as your brief "deep in the gut" feeling has bugger all to do with any practicalities.

If those feelings are brief and fleeting and most of the time you are sure you don't want kids then it sounds like you don't.