Know I need to sleep train, but really don’t want to

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

It’s been another nightmare night of my baby waking repeatedly and me and my husband are exhausted. It’s not even 1am!

Our little boy is 1 and has never been a good sleeper, needs a lot of support to fall asleep and resists it no matter how tired he is. It’s got to the point now where he’ll wake and won’t even be held by us, just tries to sit up constantly.

I feel he needs to learn to self settle. He goes down reasonably well at 7.30pm with cuddles and a bottle, but without fail wakes at 10 and from then it’s a battle.

I’ve been told to settle him in his cot at his bedtime instead of cuddling/feeding, but how when if I do his he crawls around manically and shouts? What method has worked for people? I can’t bear the thought of him crying for me 😢 but this can’t continue

No need to sleep train. We just co-slept.

Following with interest. At nearly 1 year here, co-sleeping & feeding to sleep. It does work pretty well in the main but I’m going back to work soon and not sure how I will cope. I’ve been recommended the better sleep baby book (but haven’t read it yet).

Sorry, I didn’t put in my post that we do cosleep from 10pm. He still wakes

A key piece of information that all parents need to know is that crying is not always bad. Crying is a communication. It's normal. Feeling emotions is normal. We don't need to provide a life for our children where they don't feel emotions. There are plenty of very gentle ways of sleep training that yes allow your baby to cry a little with annoyance/confusion but never let them feel scared. Proper sleep is essential for their brains (and yours).

That said, I'm a co sleeper too and sometimes it's hard to stop them waking unless they're waking for food (in which case stop giving it to them - they will cry but that's ok, you are there to comfort them).

He will grow out of it eventually probably. Some kids are more waking than others. But your sanity as a parent must be protected at all costs. Being a shit parent in the day because you're not sleeping is worse than a little crying.

Also. Some ND kids do sleep poorly. Are there any developmental questions?

This is how I feel with our 15 month old. I’m at the end of my tether tonight

I think there must be something wrong. He’s been awake since 10 and is still awake and slightly manic. I’m at the end of my tether and shouted at him. I’m so ashamed. My husband is angry at me. I never thought motherhood would be this hard

My son has been a poor sleeper for most of his life so far but yeah, being up from 10 until 4am isn’t normal.

Have you spoken to your HV team about this? They can give advice or get a nursery nurse to call you back.

Just to cover some of the basics, what’s his evening/bedtime routine like? Eg are you switching off screens at least an hour before bedtime? Is he getting enough stimulation and physical activity during the day?

Great username btw!

Is he still having naps during the day? Maybe he is sleeping too much during the day. He is not "fighting sleep" he doesn't even know what it is, or if he has done it

I didn’t sleep train it’s not for me - at about 15 months my daughter starter to settle so much better at nights and now at 20 months goes down quickly. So no I don’t think you need to sleep train they get it eventually ( a few don’t but most do)

Also yes I’ve yelled several times at my DD to go tf to sleep it happens your exhausted- there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Your DC is going through something right now a cold, teething etc so is struggling to sleep. You’ll be fine mumma you are doing a great job - it’s the toughest job in the world

@ItsMissChanandlerBong honestly I think it’s worth trying sleep training. It would be different if your son was waking 400 times but falling asleep quickly again with a cuddle or so. But here it sounds like you’re offering support through co sleeping cuddles etc and still not really getting results. So in that case what’s the harm in trying sleep training. The other thing is you don’t have to do something forever, you give it a really good try and if truly isn’t for you -you can stop.

I think being awake from 10-4 is unsustainable for both child and you.

I’m not convinced that sleep resolves without some intervention. I have a niece who is almost 2 and still isn’t having stretches of sleep and is very reliant on rocking. Her parents have been waiting for her to just grow out of it but I do think children like us develop strong sleep associations, it’s our job to find sustainable ones.

Is he eating enough in the day @ItsMissChanandlerBong abs do you offer a bottle if he wakes in the night?

We did this method at 11 months. No one was getting any sleep after the initial put to bed and sleep for a couple of hours. and I was back at work. I believe it’s important that babies get good blocks of regenerative sleep not just adults. It worked in 3 days for us. It was tougher on me than my DC I think but she’s now a perfectly fabulous 12 year old

https://www.snoozeshade.com/pages/jo-frost-method-controlled-timed-crying#:~:text=Here's%20how%20it%20works%3A%20After,two%20minutes%2C%20go%20back%20in.

@ItsMissChanandlerBong this could have been me writing this when mine was 1. He's a sleep fighter for sure. Have to feed him before bed and put him down awake and he rolls around singing and shouting but eventually does drop off. I realised that constantly going in was making him try harder to stay awake. At about 13 months something clicked and he started sleeping through, though that's gone to shit with the 18mo regression 😭 only 1 wake up a night now but manageable. If he's not screaming upset just leave him to it, they do self settle eventually

How much day sleep is he having?

Our little boy was a frequent waker since the 4 month regression. Hourly sometimes, usually 1.5 to 2hourly. I felt a lot of pressure to sleep train. Controlled/timed crying wasn't something I wanted to put either of us through, although I don't judge anyone who has used it, because sleep deprivation is tough. I followed a lot of evidence based sleep accounts, ones that did not aim for 12hrs overnight and 3-4hrs of naps, or rely on set wake windows. We had more success aiming for 10-11hrs overnight as this is seemingly the evidence based average, plus 2hrs of naps at this age. This dropped our wakes right down to 1 or 2 on an average night. He sleeps through occasionally. It is absolutely normal for them to continue to wake into toddlerhood. We were never designed to cope with this alone and back at work. You do what you can to cope, whether that be cosleeping or sleep training or something in between (for us, this is responding to every wake with a cuddle or a feed and then putting back asleep in the cot, but bedsharing when teething or poorly).

Hi everyone, thanks for all the answers. I was so desperate and feeling incredibly overwhelmed last night. I wish I could reply to you all individually.

He fell asleep just after 4, woke again at 5 then slept in our bed waking on and off until 8. To answer some questions, he used to have two naps but we’ve recently gone down to one nap. It’s two hours long, while previously his two naps combined were only 1-1.5 hours so it may have been that. He’s also developing really quickly at the moment and trying to walk.

I’m still undecided on sleep training. The thought of him crying fills me with dread. I think this may be a reason he wakes so frequently, because I’ve always leapt up and literally ran to comfort him at night when he wakes! I am a very anxious person and maybe this is affecting him.

Thank you everyone x

It's really tough @ItsMissChanandlerBong and I wish I had the answer to help you. My youngest dc is 15 months and we co sleep and dc breastfeeds throughout the night. I felt like we were waking a lot and I counted that dc woke 16 times for a boob last week. That's definitely a habit as well as hunger and needing comfort. I tried the method of going in every 2 minutes and after about 5 minutes, dc made themselves sick with upset, so we stopped. I tried again a few days later and again, they made themselves sick so the distress just isn't worth it. I don't know if it's because they're an older child perhaps. Basically, I don't know how to get out of the habit either! I don't mind co sleeping but I'd rather it be from 4am ish, not all night. Dc is unwell at the minute and teething so I've been extra lenient on allowing them in our bed.

My DS would wake a lot, and I remember him going through a long phase of 4/5am wake ups to start the day. He's almost 4 and I think it got better just before he was 2. We got him a double floor bed for his room so I could cuddle him too sleep and just get in on his first wake. It does get better hopefully now sleeps right through until 7.

Hi OP. Its shit isn't it when they just keep waking. DD is 14 months now and is getting there with sleep, but for months we had 1-2 hourly wakes.

She has like a 1-1.5 hr nap and does an 11ish hour night (still wakes about 3 times but settles quickly - i co sleep and feed to sleep), so you could look at capping the nap?

My daughter has always slept poorly although since 2 she has been capable for sleeping through. For her the poor sleep is due to reflux and now this is the major sign that something is wrong with her reflux medication. She goes to only sleeping for 30-60 minutes at a time and only sleeping whilst touching me. Once we get the reflux meds reviewed within 2 weeks she's sleeping through again. I would explore whether there's something a miss. It doesn't take much to upset my daughters sleep as soon as one of her needs aren't being met she needs much more comfort

Even when sleeping well she goes to sleep cuddling my arm. I don't mind I go to sleep with a cuddle from my partner. The contact of another person helps the day melt away and I can calmly go to sleep.

We used https://www.goodnightbaby.co.uk/ and did a kind of pick up put down method which meant we never left the baby crying for more than a few minutes... worked in 3 nights for us and now baby sleeps happily in his own cot, he was waking every 45 mins-hour before that so I really sympathise.

No one has to sleep train.

How is it going OP? We made some good progress a few weeks ago with rocking shushing and patting and trying to rely less on breastfeeding to sleep but a bout of teething has undone it all…

My daughter has never been a great sleeper but we have made some progress recently (she's 17 months). We put her to bed much later, 8:30-9, which is not great for couple/free time but I think it does build up her need to sleep so that once she's in bed she genuinely doesn't want to be awake - when she wakes she just wants our help to get back to sleep. She also seems to sleep more deeply in the cot, so we have put a small mattress next to her cot so that one of us can sleep next to her but with our own space which seems to work better than fully co-sleeping.