Sad, angry, suicidal thoughts

[margvillx]

Hi,
Sorry for my english mistakes, is not my first language.
I have a 3 years old daughter.
I am writing here, to seek help, advice..
When i got pregnant i started to have dark thoughts from time to time, and when my daughter was born is when it started. The newborn phase was really for me, i didn't connected immediatly with my daughter, i felt like a was a robot, no emotions and i couldn't recognise myself in the mirror.. i hated back there to be a mom.. i wanted my life back. Is very hard for me to write this down, because i feel so bad i felt like that towards her, i feel like the worse mother because i love her so much. I also felt lot of anger, and lost patience easily on her, speaking very loud, scream .. for example if she couldn't sleep (sleep always has never been easy for her). I started to feel more like myself again when she was a bit more than 2 years old. But then i will still time to time lose patience, get angry.. so i decided to seek help, and i started last october a therapy with a pyschologue.I love her so much that i dont want for her to have a mom like this, and i want her to be healthy emotionnally and mentally. According to her i have PTSD and OCD and i am hypersensitive, and she suggests that i might have also some hormonal imbalance.
For example yesterday night she wake up during the night and cried, usually she comes to our room and in our bed, so i told her come here (the walls are thin she can hear me). she kept crying, so i told her she can put her little on next to her bed so she can see better (is not pitch black in ours rooms though , we don't use curtains) but she kept crying, i got angry and yelled that she can come here, and that she can put her light on.. then i got angry to get up and go to her.. is only when i saw her crying that i came back to myself and felt really bad, like really really bad, i cried and said sorry to her , i always say sorry to her after i get angry and explaining i shouldnt had gotten angry and that it was not her fault. I Took her to our bed, she fell asleep, but i kept crying, feeling the worst mom ever, and thinking of how i could kill myself.. i thought she deserved a better mother, a mother that is stable emotionnally, so that she can be a healthy adult later in life..
I also worry all the time for her, if she gets sick or hurt, i think of the worst and that she gonna die..
Anyway.. i wanted to share how i feel, to see if there is any mom who went throught that? how to get better.. because i have the feeling my therapy sessions maybe help a bit but i still have outburst and feel the worst mom ever..

thank you

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this but it’s great you’ve recognised you need help. Hopefully therapy will help you and give you some tools to help control your anger. Has the therapist suggested going in any medication?

I use an app for the psychologue, because where I live is very expensive. She is from UK, and I live in Denmark. So she can t prescribe anything, at least I think, because she never suggested it. She said though to take some herbs for my hormonal imbalance, that it could help with the mood wings, suicidals thoughts and anger etc. I am on the process to do a hormonal test to see if I actually have any hormonal imbalance.

I use an app for the psychologue, because where I live is very expensive. She is from UK, and I live in Denmark. So she can t prescribe anything, at least I think, because she never suggested it. She said though to take some herbs for my hormonal imbalance, that it could help with the mood wings, suicidals thoughts and anger etc. I am on the process to do a hormonal test to see if I actually have any hormonal imbalance.

Do you have a doctor you could speak to? The app is a good start but might be a good idea to get some more
support to help lift your moods.

Is she qualified? What herbs? Herbs sound like an odd suggestion. You really need to see your GP/family doctor you think you have a hormonal imbalance. I developed awful PMS after my second child and went on hormonal contraceptives and now it isn’t a problem. If the herbs she is suggesting is St John Wart you need to be aware they stop hormonal contraception from working which is problematic if you’re using a hormonal form of contraception.

I tried in the past, they can only give you a referral for a psychologue, then you have a waiting list and is expensive. But i have a new doctor, maybe i can try again with this one.

yes she is qualified. I think i will then told to my doctor. I also doing right now a hormonal test, so i will have more details in the future about my hormones.
I dont take any contraception. I havnt tried yet the herbs, yes she mentionned this herb. I havnt tried it.
How was your PMS exactly ? I dont have any physical pain, I even bleed less since i became a mother.

I had awful postpartum depression. It really tainted my view on life and impacted my bond with my baby. The only thing that helped lift it was speaking to the gp and getting some medication. I tried to avoid for as long as I could but I was only getting worse.

Since you have a new doctor then I would try make an appointment and speak to them honestly about how you’re feeling and how it’s impacting your life!

What is the app? Is it Better Health?

Is your therapist definitely a psychologist or could they be a psychotherapist? Do you know what their qualification is?

This sounds like postpartum depression. Definitely go and talk to your new doctor. Someone else on here will know the kinds of medical treatment usually prescribed - and you can go to the appointment with that knowledge, so the doctor doesn't just send you away with herbs.

yes it his one !

yes it is this one !*

I will then !

BACP
integrative therapist, neuroplasticity, Cognitive behavioural therapy, psychodynamic, spiecialized in stress, anxiety, family conflitcs, traumas, parenting issues and depression.

I saw my doctor after i gave birth, they send me to some hospital specialized for mothers with depression etc. they did some tests and talk to me and for them it was not postpartum depression :/ . But i also thought it could be that, i will then talk again to my doctor about it.

Better Help* sorry not better health

Better Help* sorry not better health

Better health has been in the UK news recently because of it’s poor practices.

For me my PMS was always before my period started and I would be incredibly angry, mostly directly at my husband to the extend I would be looking for a divorce lawyer once per month. I suspect I’m also peri menopausal.

Oh I didn’t knew ..
though I really like her.. but if it doesn’t help 😕
me is just before my ovulation and some time til my periods I will also get super angry, towards my partner also for nothing and also daughter, +losing for patience. I am always better when I have my periods.

@margvillx

I think you should see the danish equivalent of a gp (general doctor) and talk about how you are feeling- I think some anti depressants could probably help you.
They usually start to work almost straight away although sometimes with some types of anti depressants you can get side effects which can last a couple of weeks.

And You do sometimes have to try a few types of antidepressants until you find one that suits you.
But definitely try it... anti depressants saved my life and although I still get a bit depressed I don't feel suicidal anymore.

I have a gp yes , I will that talk about it.I just want to be sure of what I have before taking any pills. I took some when I was a teenager (don’t remember which one) and it didn’t helped for my depression, . it was so numb and I hated the feeling, that’s why. I had depression for 2 years when teenaged

Living in Denmark too. Have you seen your GP?

If your doctor can't help see if they can refer you to a psychiatrist. Psychologists where I live aren't qualified to prescribe, (maybe different where you are) and medication has to come from a medical doctor or a psychiatric.

St John's wort has had positive results in trials for mild to moderate depression. If you can't get or have a long wait for medication it may be worth trying. Personally though given what you're saying it doesn't sound like you fit the mild to moderate category and, Id try and get antidepressants as a priority. The pill isn't the only mediation st johns wort interacts with so if you're on anything regular check it's safe to combine.

I had post natal anxiety after DD, I was recovered by the time DS1 was born, then had post natal depression after DS2, when I finally went on antidepressant medication. I wish Id done it sooner.

These are good sites for information about st Johns wort. Webmd is a good source of medical information about medications in general, their side effects, interactions and so on.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28064110/
https://www.webmd.com/vitamins/ai/ingredientmono-329/st-johns-wort

Sometimes it can take a few goes to find the right treatment. There's several different classes of antidepressants which work differently, the right one can make a world of difference. It can also help give you the mental space for therpay to work. Some people need one or the other, other's need both medication and therapy at the same time to see progress and better mental health.