Sad, angry, suicidal thoughts

[margvillx]

Hi,
Sorry for my english mistakes, is not my first language.
I have a 3 years old daughter.
I am writing here, to seek help, advice..
When i got pregnant i started to have dark thoughts from time to time, and when my daughter was born is when it started. The newborn phase was really for me, i didn't connected immediatly with my daughter, i felt like a was a robot, no emotions and i couldn't recognise myself in the mirror.. i hated back there to be a mom.. i wanted my life back. Is very hard for me to write this down, because i feel so bad i felt like that towards her, i feel like the worse mother because i love her so much. I also felt lot of anger, and lost patience easily on her, speaking very loud, scream .. for example if she couldn't sleep (sleep always has never been easy for her). I started to feel more like myself again when she was a bit more than 2 years old. But then i will still time to time lose patience, get angry.. so i decided to seek help, and i started last october a therapy with a pyschologue.I love her so much that i dont want for her to have a mom like this, and i want her to be healthy emotionnally and mentally. According to her i have PTSD and OCD and i am hypersensitive, and she suggests that i might have also some hormonal imbalance.
For example yesterday night she wake up during the night and cried, usually she comes to our room and in our bed, so i told her come here (the walls are thin she can hear me). she kept crying, so i told her she can put her little on next to her bed so she can see better (is not pitch black in ours rooms though , we don't use curtains) but she kept crying, i got angry and yelled that she can come here, and that she can put her light on.. then i got angry to get up and go to her.. is only when i saw her crying that i came back to myself and felt really bad, like really really bad, i cried and said sorry to her , i always say sorry to her after i get angry and explaining i shouldnt had gotten angry and that it was not her fault. I Took her to our bed, she fell asleep, but i kept crying, feeling the worst mom ever, and thinking of how i could kill myself.. i thought she deserved a better mother, a mother that is stable emotionnally, so that she can be a healthy adult later in life..
I also worry all the time for her, if she gets sick or hurt, i think of the worst and that she gonna die..
Anyway.. i wanted to share how i feel, to see if there is any mom who went throught that? how to get better.. because i have the feeling my therapy sessions maybe help a bit but i still have outburst and feel the worst mom ever..

thank you

Oh you do ??
I saw in the past my old GP, they never really did anything .. besides sending to this hospital for mothers, where I had maybe 4 sessions , and otherwise they told me to see a psychologist. Because I only had those free sessions then it stopped. Because of the waiting list and the price I never went through at that moment. My old gp never really listened to me , really bad one.. even finished at the hospital for my daughter ounce because they saw she had a urine infection. Now I have a new GP, I will try again and hope I will be more listened.

The main thing is YOU HAVE TO ACT.

You have a history of suicidal ideation and depression.
You have symptoms of Post natal Depression and Postnatal anxiety.
You have persistent “dark thoughts”
You feel like a “robot” (dissociating? Depersonalization?)
You are overwhelmed
You and your child are vulnerable.

If your GP doesn’t take this seriously then go to the (danish equivalent of) A and E or the ER and report that you feel like you are potentially at risk of self harm.

There is help out there but you must go get it.

What were your symptoms when you had natal anxiety and natal depression ?
the suicidal thoughts are very rare (luckily) is mostly burst of anger, other thinking, overstimulation, patience.
thank you so much for all the info ! I will look into it

Yes, we relocated to Copenhagen after 15 yo in UK.

You should see your GP - he/she can prescribe antidepressiv mediciation which works for a lot of people. And help with advice and a plan to maje you feel better.

You could be referered by GP to a psychiatrist if you need more complex medication/help to a diagnosis or a psychologists (can't prescribe medication or a diagnosis) on certain issues it isn't free (part funded).

If you need councelling I would turn to Mødrehjælpen.
They are brillant knowing what options parents and families have and their councelling is kind and free.

You sound exhausted. Are you getting enough rest and relaxation time in? Maybe you need to start taking care of your needs first, give yourself oxygen before you can give it to others type thing. I get snappy at my loved ones when I am wore down. Could you have a quiet girls weekend away with friends whilst your other half looks after your child? I think you need a break. Hugs.

Be aware of birth control (the pill) and St Johns Wort is an issue. Not to be taken at the same time. You might not have a problem of course. Not my business. Just info.

I don’t have anymore the “robot” feeling that was during the newborn phase
but for sure there is some days where I can feel overwhelmed, anger , impatient etc but is not everyday !
the A and E what is that?

thank you

You say ‘our’ bed. Do you have a partner? Why didn’t s/he also comfort your daughter or get up and get her from the room? Why are you blaming yourself for being a bad parent but not recognising your partner isn’t stepping up to help. Is your partner in any way supporting? Do they take on their fair share of parenting or is everything left to you?

@pikkumyy77

Tbh they will refer you to the GP and don't see you.
Unless you are in a really bad state. As in really bad bad. But of course you can try.

I would go for GP first thing and councelling at Mødrehjælpen (a great charity for families).

Skadestue (psykiatrisk), akutklinik or vagtlæge outside GP's working hours. In most regions you need to call and make an appointment.

he doesn’t hear her cry, he is a deep sleeper 😅 he only woke up ounce I screamed, then he helped me. He is a good father , he also helps. But can also be overwhelmed by my outbursts.. my emotional and mental state is also impacting my relationship with him (when I have those episodes otherwise everything is perfect when I feel fine) I don’t work as often as him, so I mostly I am the one taking care of laundry, think of food etc when I don’t work. In the weekend we are both here for her, he even take care of her alone if a need some time alone.

I heard of mødrehjælpen ! But I thought it was mostly for women alone, or with financial issues etc. Or ?

Thank you ! I will look into it

No. Not at all. It's an all around councelling.

Does your partner step up andhelp you?
How about nursery? And job?

oh ok !
yes he does when he can. She goes to vuggestue and next week she will start bornehave! He has a full time job and I work from time to time during the week. I am waitress that works some hours if they need more people for the shifts. So I have much more free times, taking care of house etc. I have nothing to complain about .. that’s why I also feel so bad with myself to feel like this .. I shouldn’t

No you shouldn't.

See your GP. I really think you could benefit of medications as a help to feel better.

It's great that daughter is happy in nursery moving on to børnehave and your husband is supportive

You could benefit from doing sports. Any sort really. A walk in the park or swimming at the pools. Or do yoga on YouTube. Whatever you like. It is proven to often help then we struggle eith mental health.

Thank you !
yes sometimes I go walk to the forest. I should indeed, I always start some but then I stop, I have hard time to commit to some sport 😅

Hi sorry just seen your replies. I am a therapist. So your therapist isn't a psychologist, they are much more extensively trained than an integrative therapist. I'm not entirely sure if even a psychologist is able to diagnose all those conditions your therapist says you have, but your therapist definitely can't and shouldn't. Unless the language barrier has been an issue. It's ok to say ' you might want to consider exploring whether you have X, Y, Z condition and perhaps explain your rationale for it but should definitely not be stating you have them as a given. Also, it's unlikely your therapist would be fully qualified in all of those models but has probably done some CPD in those areas and integrates some of the skills into her practice. I am not slating your therapist and it may be some things she has said have been lost in translation. The herbs thing does worry me though.

Hi, no worries at all ! Thanks for replying and helping me here.
oh she shouldn’t ? It says also says she has 7 years of experience.
I v been talking with her for 5 months now, and we explored some things of my pasts and some stuff came up in the long run , and for her she said for sure I have PTSD for some childhood traumas. According to her I have all the symptoms. I really feel understood talking to her, and happy to have answers. But you tell me that she might be wrong the ?
the herbs was just to help with the mood,not to treat the issue. I am the one who talk to her about herbs, because I believe herbs can help somehow our mood , hormones etc. And she then just suggested some herb that she knew work accordingly for mood issues or related to hormones. But she also keeps saying that I should see my GP for my hormones to check.
i just really clicked with this therapist. But I was wondering maybe thats not enough to fix my mental problem , don’t know ..
Now for example I feel so much better compare to yesterday/this morning .. is like swimming on waves .. sudddenly I m good and then I can have those dark moods that feels like it’s no me , if that makes sense ?

I agree, the person you're seeing isn't a qualified psychologist and shouldn't be diagnosing. It sounds like she's a counsellor (bacp is the accredited body for counsellors. HCPC is the body for psychologists)

Sorry , just saw your message now . Thank you for your kinds words
I don’t work so much , so I have time to relax at home, but somehow this doesn’t help me from time to time to not be well..
where I leave I don’t really have friends, I have a mom friend who I can see time to time. But with her schedule and kids is not always easy to meet
otherwise my closed friends live abroad.