So I know having an only child is not the end of the world - I can see the benefits for my family - WHY do I have this niggly feling telling me it's not OK?

[DrNortherner]

AAAARGH. I could scream.

I was an only child. I have an only child. Ds is nearly 6, and the light of our lives. Funny, adorable, good company, kind and loving.

I am 32 this year, I can not afford to give up work, and tbh, we could not afford childcare costs so another child is financially not an option. Also. dh is hapy with ds and does not feel the need for another.

So taht's it. No more kids, probably. I can se why, I can even understand why. I know ds will not suffer, he is sociable and popular with loads of mates.

But I keep getting this niggling feeling, I ocassionally say to dh 'if we have another baby' to which he says NO.

It's not a pining/broody feeling, just a what if feeling, and I catch myself gazing at women with babies/toddlers. Then I shake myself and return to normality.

I have a full life, I am happy, if I don't ahve another I can live with that (I think)

But what's with the niggles?!!!!

Plaees tell me I am not alone?

depends if this niggle will turn onto something all consuming....

i have two, and although i am 99.99999 % sure i don;t want any more, we have the what if conversation, and thikn that for as long as i am fertile, we will continue to, but it is not something that niggles or i htink about all the time..

did you always imagine more than one child?

i thikn that being in your 30s does make you examine your life choices especially WRT to children as there is always the knowledge that past a certain age, the decision is out of your hands anyway

Motherhood and having babies have nothing in common with reason and sense

I feel like this but have 2DSs so I don't know about the only child thing.
I know we can't afford more, we don't want more, i don't want to be pregnant or give birth.
But there's still a niggly what if?
You're not alone.

the niggles are
well it doesnt make financial sense etc
but sod it we only get one life
i'm feeling quite similar
putting off having another baby (we are not finiancially struggling, and would manage I'm sure even if I had triplets) and because I'm going back to work soon and people would if I went off again so soon
How's that for priorities!! When I'm in my 80s will I remember we couldn't afford a new car next year or my boss making a sarky comment?

I think it's because you have so many potential children inside you. It's strange to think that they'll never be.

Also, procreation is so very central to us - it's only the bounds of civilisation, not nature, that enable/force us to consider how many children we have.

the niggle is also if I did get pg we would be fine - absolutely fine - so why not just do it, decision made

Anyway, a bit academic in my case as DS still feeding like a newborn (almost) and haven't had AF since 2006

listen to the niggle

i have just the 1 dd, i'm now too old for anymore, (circs not right for more)

from what i'v read on here the last few months, the regret always seems to be NOT having more!

good luck

I understand what you are saying. I have one DD and she completes our family.

But I didn't always think that, I thought I wanted another and we even tried for another for 8 months without success. When my two best friends got pregnant with their 2nd within weeks of each other I cried. Then I did alot of thinking over a long time about the whole thing and came to the conclusion that we were meant to be a family of three and that it suits us. I still felt niggles of course, I still felt pangs when my friends went shopping for their double buggies etc and showed off their bumps but I knew deep down that we had made the right decision. Having held each of my friend's newborns this only reinforced it further for me, gorgeous as they are I just knew I was very happy as I was.

The only advice I would give is if you really can be happy with one child then accept that from time to time you will wonder "what if". If you are only telling yourself you are happy because of financial constraints and because your DP is happy with one then you need to be honest with yourself and DP and give the situation more thought together.

if your dh came home from work tomorrow and said he wanted you to start trying for another how would you feel?

i feel the same as you dr northener, similiar situation to you. spend a lot of time worrying about it. no answers for you though.

good question winstanly

i felt like this... only more niggly i think... after the birth of ds3 (bear with me, this is relevant)... i had thought that 3 was my/our limit and that this in turn meant that i would Never Have a Daughter. and i have always imagined having a daughter, our relationship, the wisdoms (and vintage chanel sunnies) i would pass on to her... and suddenly i was struck by this sadness and grief that none of that was ever to be.
and the ever to be stuff came from knowing dp was done and wanted no more.
it ate away at me for a bit... and then i spoke to dp and he said that he knew it had been eating me and that although he was happy with his lot, if it truly made me unhappy to be finished he would not rule out another if and when i wanted to try.

and Lo, my niggles were cured.
just knowing that it wasnt out of my control was a huge help. i dont know if i ever will have that other child, but not having it Decided. Ruled Out. Forbidden. makes it ok... maybe i will and maybe i wont...

do you think that maybe any of this has any relevance to you? maybe...

It was odd the way it happened to me Dd was an accident, I never particularly wanted kids but in due time got over it and went on to have dd and move in with dh. I don't think the needling/broodiness thing kicked in till dd waas around 2 but I got it into my head that dd could not be an only child and that I wanted a boy, luckily dp acquiesced with no fuss but I could not have been happy with just one, that was my feeling, it had nothing to do with finances or logic.

Tbh I want a third, however dp is adamant he doesn't, I mean I could probably browbeat or manipulate my way into him saying yes but I won't, for me a third is a want not a need. You need to decide if number 2 is a want or a need. If it's a need resentment could arise, although you still have time, his views could change.

Could you be carrying the niggle for someone else? You said you were an only - did you pick up some lingering regret from your mother?

I only ask because I can already see that dd is exquisitely sensitive to my wishes and feelings, and she finds it hard to sort them out from her own. As a child I completely soaked up my own mother's world view.

Learning what's your own stuff and what's other people's seems to be a lifelong process. For me anyway...

Your definately not alone.
I am struggling big time with this atm.
And I am also struggling with the thought that I may have left it too late for my 2nd.

After 2 years of trying to persuade my dh for another he has reluctantly given in.
I am now 37, and I have been ttc for 8 months with no luck.
I am desperate for another, and keep thinking about how things will be if I do have another and what we will miss if I don,t.

I look at pregnant women and feel jealous and I know that is an awful thing to say.
I was as good as an only as there is such a big age gap between me and my siblings.
I have turned out to be really shy which I hate, whether that is due to mainly growing up on my own I can,t say.
I am hating the thought of my ds growing up without a sibling, and having nobody there for him when he is older, even down to the burden of elderly parents on his own etc.

as you're only 32 (and i don't mean this flippantly, as in "you've got YEARS yet"), maybe wait until DC1 is in school, which will ease the childcare issue a bit at least
also, the free nursery places/maternity pay eyc are being tweaked and improved, so who knows what you'll be entitled to in a couple more years
you've got a niggle cos you want another

Your situation is fairly similar to mine Northerner in that with one dc (dd 3.9) we are fairly financially stable and once she starts school in Sept we will have spare money and will be able to afford perhaps a bigger house or new car or more holidays or whatever.

I would love another but dh won't engage in discussions about it... although tbh if we didn't it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

I'm 34 and dh is almost 40 so if we were to have another I wouldn't want to leave it too much longer before TTC and then conversely I wonder if I could go through the whole baby / nursery / skint thing again.

I was lucky with dd, we weren't actively TTC but we were knowingly not using contraception in a wait and see approach. I only had two periods after coming off the pill and then was pg. DH is convinced that if we try again then it will be as quick next time and I have tried to no avail to convince him that it may well take longer for dc2 given that we are both older and an easy conception first time doesn't necessarily = easy conception 2nd time.

It's really tough to decide what to do for the best. My ovaries are niggling though

I have one dd(4) and she was a surprise as I wasnt keen on the whole baby thing. My dh knew this when we married and was fine with it.When I got pregnant we decided it was fate and to give it a go. I cant tell you how much my lifa has changed and I am glad it did but I had a horrible pregnancy and birth and we were both so traumatised we were adamant one was enough. I was happy with that decision until my hormones kicked in.
I spoke to DH who def doesnt want more and we have decided thats it. I cannot argue as I told him not to marry me if he wanted children so that is how it will be. Anyhow we have a fantastic marriage and I wouldnt want to have a baby that both of us didnt want 100%.
At times I feel like I am going to regret it when I am too old but other times I am ok with it.

Personally I think a lot is about being in your 30's, feeling like the 'choices' suddenly won't always be there. I've just turned 37 and feel so much like lostittoday describes it is untrue

My ds is 14.7 (with exdh) so essentially grew up as an only child.

DD (34 months and with dp) adores her big brother but again she is essentially an only child. I would dearly LOVE another child with dp, and the clock is ticking mercilessly as I am 41 now. I cannot get through to dp that we cannot wait until the time is right, We have no more time! He cannot see that at all and we have financial/protperty issues which are stressing us out no end and so he cannot even face sex

I am feeling now that a full sibling for dd is what I want on so many levels, I love being pg and want another VBAC, I want the full sibling thing, ds will be finished school by the time dd starts school so he might even be gone, the potential age gap is getting bigger by the day and so thay won't have remotely similar interests...

Oh god, now I'm so depressed.....

and I hate seeing all the women who had dc about the same time as I had dd now with new babies or pg again...

cuts like a knife

Well I personally would love to have another child but various tests, no periods for a year and my age (43) have shown it will be pretty much impossible for me.

This is a well of unutterable sadness and regret for me. It has got to the point where I have to avoid even the 'let's talk about the positives of having only children' threads as there are always a few hardcore 'anti-only children' people who make a few flippant comments (as they are entitled to do ) and I am emotionally floored by them.

At the moment I am finding it hard to enjoy doing anything with ds as I spend so much time envying the other families with more than one child.

If you have any serious regrets about having only one then I personanally would urge you to think again about having another. Then again I have a very skewed view, as I don't have 'niggles' I have serious regrets and I find it difficyut to sleep at night because of the grief so this is probably not necessarily good advice for someone who is fundamentally happy with one child but thinks 'what if' sometimes.

Klaw but your children will have a sibling when they are oldER. They are not only children. My sister is 9 years older than me and I don't remember her at home at all but we are cloee now and speak a lot on the phone. We also give each other the necessary support required for dealing with our elderly and ailing parents.

I have no problem with ds not having a young sibling to play with (though that would be nice) what I hate to think of is him standing at at mine and dh's graveside in years to come on his own with no-one to support him or to share a sibling's joke about parents etc.

I'm 32 too and have ds1 aged 12y. We always thought he would be an only child as we were told we couldn't have any more, following complications after birth of ds1. 11 years later I have had ds2 who is an utter joy and we wouldn't be without him for anything! Ds1 is now too old for sibling rivalry and dotes on his new brother. Ok ds2 will grow up in a similar situation to an only child as his brother is so much older but I do not see this as a problem. I'm now a SAHM juggling loans making ends meet (tricky) but wouldn't swap for anything! if you had asked me had I thought it possible to chose whether I had another like you, I would have said no because of the fact that we were happy with what we had, timing, money bla bla but despite giving up a job as a financial controller which I loved, I couldn't be happier now and have zilch regrets.

I only have 1 child, as was told that if I had any more there would problems both for the baby and me. We stuck at one.

I feel sad that I won't ever have a daughter, but I love my DS to bits, and I have a 19 yo god daughter for the girly bits, so that is OK. I had her before DS!

I had a colleague who had always wanted a large family, and she couldn't get pregnant, tried IVF, and her husband had a non existent sperm count, so she never conceived. I am so lucky to have my DS when loads of women can't have any at all, or haven't found the right person to have their kids with, so I try to count my blessings. Financially, we can also do far more for one...private school etc, and we can also put him through uni without him coming out with massive debts, so there are some compensations.