What is more important, sane/hands on parents or the love of another sibling?

[Zarah786]

Hello,

Another on the fence should I have a 3rd post. I have an 8yo DD and 3yo DS, I adore them both. I would love for them to have another sibling and my clock is ticking. We can afford another, have house space, car space, financially comfortable. What I lack is support, no family close by, in-laws all a lot older and busy with their own lives.

DH and I both have full time demanding jobs and I worry about the time we can give 3 kids, I want to be hands on and involved but obviously with three we'd be spread alot thinner. I can reduce a day at work but not more than that.

Sometimes I think go for it (if all goes to plan), it'll be manic for 5 years or so and I'll be glad its done and other times I think enjoy what you have, I am so lucky to have a career, beautiful, healthy two kids, comfortable life with holidays. I'm trying to think what would actually be better for my current two.

Even now with two some days are tough, the constant mental to do list is never ending, school work is never ending, reading, language classes, feeding on top of household chores, work deadlines, parties and I'm sure it only increases as they get older? But once grown will I feel sad that my home is now quiet and I am less needed?

This cannot be a serious question really - all kids deserve the appropriate attention from their parents, rather than that be stretched by more siblings (if there is a risk of that - obvs not all families would be impacted as much, e.g. if one is a SAHP).

Besides, not all siblings even get on, let alone love each other

I think most people would prefer better parents surely?! I have 5 siblings and don't speak to any of them! Wish my mum had not had so many kids. Not all siblings get on.

I’m the eldest of a big family, and there was nowhere near enough attention to go around. We’re not close as adults, which I know saddens my parents, but is a direct result of always having to compete for parental attention. My siblings are all childfree by choice, and I have one.

My parents had 5 children, my mum however was a SAHM. Back then school work didn't need a lot of parent involvement but as a SAHM obviously she could take care of everything else. All 5 of us are very close, live away from one another with meetups every few months.

But yes 100% agree, children need the best of their parents at all times and I worry as much as I would try to my time split between the three and work would affect the other two.

My husband and I aren’t close to our siblings at all. I don’t believe siblings are as massively important as people perceive. Being a hands on parent is a lot better.

My name generation were very hands off parents - the kids did fine, found their independence quicker - have to grow up quicker and be self sufficient -

Parents today want to be seen as good parents and are probably over involved.

If you want a 3rd have one - bit given your time limit there a high risk of multiple birth

I'm 36 at the moment so perhaps middle to high end of the scale.

And I totally agree about how parenting style have changed, comes with 'peer-pressure' too when other school mothers choose to be so hands on.

They’ve already got a sibling, any additional one is just for you.

I grew up in the 70s, with very hands off parents, and I would say that for me and my siblings, my DH and siblings in law, friends of our age etc, that early self-sufficiency and independence extorted a high psychological price. I for one am still dealing with the ongoing effects of the way I was parented in my 50s. I’m parenting completely differently.

You'll get stories of people with 2 other siblings who hated each other, and stories of wonderful lifelong relationships. You obviously can't tell what their personalities will be like. But I believe parenting style has a strong influence on how well siblings get on (as children anyway, which in turn strongly influences their adult relationship). You already have two, so how do they get on? Do you 'actively' parent their relationship, choosing activities that help them bond, but also making sure they have space and equal parental attention so you don't foster excessive jealousy? If your existing two spend the majority of their time on good terms, I think you have a fighting chance.

Also relevant is the wider family setup. Do they have cousins nearby who they see a lot? If yes, these are effectively stand-in siblings! If not, will they be each others' only family once your generation has gone?

There is a channel I subscribed to on Facebook because my DD liked the name and over the years they have gone from 1 to soon to be 6 under 9. Each time a new one is born they are predominantly the focus and the others slowly get less and less attention and the eldest (who the channel is named after) is only ever seen as an afterthought or helping the otjers

you may want another but can you actually fit another in. Sibling support is a roll of the dice you will risk an absolute for a chance

my DH and siblings in law, friends of our age etc, that early self-sufficiency and independence extorted a high psychological price

I’m the same era - bit I wonder what the cost is to our children being less independent? Less capable? Less willing?

Trouble is we don’t know.

If you can drop to part time then I'd have a third. Otherwise definitely not. Both working full time is already a lot without adding another in to try and find time for.

Mine are the same age and I'm exhausted I could never have another in a million years! I am one of 3 and there was never much food in the house so there is that to think about 😅

Parents every time.

I'm one of 4, have chosen to have 1. My parents missed/dismissed a severe lifelong MH issue with one of us as had 3 other kids to think about.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think three children is lovely. We had an (accidental) fourth and I look back and think 3 is perfect. Enough to feel like a big family but not insane (like it is presently 😂) I like what someone said above though about looking at existing relationships and how your kids get on. We knew we had 2 relatively laid back daughters who got on brilliantly and so could cope with a third. Our friends who may have been open to 3 had sibling that bickered constantly and so decided against a third. My eldest daughter recently made a little video saying ‘people ask what I would do if I won th lottery’ she then had a picture of her with her sibling saying ‘I already have’ . It made me realise that being part of a big family makes her happy. We make sure we spend a day together a week as a family doing low key things like walks and picnics. I think growing up with more than one sibling has made m children kind and considerate of others. I know this isn’t the case for everyone but I also don’t think it’s the case that more children just means you don’t have enough time for them. They do gain something from being part of a bigger loving family

the question in your title is an easy one.
Parental love is massively more important than sibling love.
That doesn't mean you can't have close siblings or love them loads etc, but parental love is fundamentally important for our psychological health, sibling love isn't.
If sibling love was that important all the only children would be screwed up!

It really doens't take much to see kids and families where the lack of parental love has caused devastating damage to the kids.

That isn't really your question though. Your question is should I have a third child and I am not sure anyone can answer that except you.

I agree with pp who say that too many children spreads parental attention too thin. The question is always how many is too many.

I had 3. I was a SAHP for a number of years. Youngest is now 16 and just diagnosed with autism and needs me a LOT. So my career is on hold again as I have to give her a lot of attention. Thankfully because the other 2 are now at uni she can get that attention from me without draining them. But that hasn't always been the case.

I absolutely think doing a good job and having ample resources (financial, time, emotional) for your existing children is far preferable than spreading yourselves and your resources thinner by aiming for a higher quantity of children. They may not get on with their siblings at all anyway. Plus consider the risk of twins.

Always the former. Honestly there are very few situations I have seen where I think an additional sibling (ie a 3rd child) is more beneficial than parental time and resources being divided only by 2.

They get on amazingly and I love their little relationship, they run to one another after school, play together but also have time for their own activities. DD was an angel baby and still is, DS was more of a handful, boisterous, but he is so loving. Every time he goes for a snack he takes one for his sister.

If they had cousins their own age around then I think I would feel more content that with a wider support system, sometimes I think just having parents in your life isn't enough or kids could become too dependent. Friends don't go out to play like they used to so it is very school and then home life. We try and fill the home life with as much love and fun but I'm sure they also see the natural stresses we go through as parents.

I guess they won't miss a sibling they have never had but I don't want them to feel lonely as they grow older.

I am one of 3. I was brought up my by grandparents and my sisters. I have a much stronger connection to my identity as a granddaughter and sister than I do as a daughter

My dad spent ages 6 to 12 working out of the UK for 1-6 months at a time and away in total for 10 months a year. My mum works shifts as a nurse and could do 10 days in a row which took its toll on her and she would be bed bound for a day due a back injury. After the age of 12 my dad worked in the UK but could be out of the house from 6am until 8-9pm. By this point we generally fended for myself. I'm fiercely independent, I haven't suffered from growing up this way but my grandparents and sisters have a stronger place in my heart than my parents. I love them but it's different

I guess they won't miss a sibling they have never had but I don't want them to feel lonely as they grow older.

This is a weird sentiment. You have no idea what your children will be like when older; if they will get on as siblings, if they will emigrate, if they will marry into a massive family, have dozens of friends etc etc. But what you DO know if you have a 3rd is that your time and resources will be split 3 ways instead of 2 which is a direct negative impact on your children, this is a guarantee, so why would you purposefully do something that will have a negative on the off chance it MAY have a longer term benefit? Not even one that would necessarily surpass the benefit of only having 1 siblings anyway.

Similar age gaps growing up in my family with 3 kids. Mum was a SAHM until the youngest was in school and he was a surprise baby. It's lovely now we are older and I think they now are glad they had three but I remember it being hard for them as they were constantly parenting three different ages groups. I was a pre-teenager when DB was a toddler for example.

We all get on fine now, not mega close but glad we have each other. We are all happy and had nice childhoods. But if they had stuck at two we'd have known no different. So if you do have a third only do it for you and not your kids. I do think it's harder now to have three kids then it was in the 80s and 90s.

Dont do it for your kids. You have no idea how they will get on.

I have 4 DC. I wouldn't have done it without amazing support from my parents. Also DH and I are both teachers so a make sure that everyone gets individual attention during the holidays even if they can't always during term time. I'm also part time and at one point DH was as well. I wouldn't have had the 4th without all these things as I would the been spread too thin.

As a child, I didn't have much to do with my sister, but we got on ok most of the time. As adults we are cordial but only speak a couple of times a year. When my parents die, I suspect there will be years that pass when I don't see my sister. We just aren't very compatible or important to each other.