I screamed at my poor baby

[Lollibert]

Im a ftm The other day I was extremely stressed and overwhelmed/overstimulated, my baby is going through separation anxiety and it’s so bad that we can’t even stand up or she’ll scream she either wants to be held or for us to sit on the floor with her, so the house looked like a tip because I physically couldn’t do anything she’s too heavy for a carrier as it kills my back, so we had some unexpected company rang told me they were on the way my stress levels immediately went through the roof, I began rushing to get everything tidy and meanwhile my baby was screaming from the top of her lungs, I must’ve overdosed on kalms I took so much to try and bring my stress levels down she was following me from room to room and sitting at my feet crying, I gave her snacks I gave her toys I tried putting on tv nothing distracted her she just wanted me to sit on the floor with her I lost it and screamed at her “I hate you” ever since I’ve been overcome with guilt everytime I look at her I’m reminded of what i said to her I don’t hate my baby I love her so much she’s the apple of my eye I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but this is keeping me awake at night I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship somehow, this happened about 2 weeks ago But I can’t forget it because it haunts my every waking moment and makes my mental health plummet I called my aunt to come over that day and she helped me get the house in order and hold my baby I cried and cried to her about what I said and she told me I wasn’t the first or last mother to scream at their baby and I shouldn’t feel bad about it but I do I feel so bad that it’s making me terribly depressed I can’t get it out of my mind

How old is baby?

She won't know what "I hate you" means. So she cant be harmed by the words. The shouting may have startled/upset her, but she won't even remember it by now. It's certainly true you aren't the first mother to shout at her baby!

Bigger picture is important. Do you need more support?
It sounds like you're struggling. It's normal to need help.

Honestly OP it’s how you treat your baby on a day to day basis that will shape her emotionally, not a one-off isolated incident.

Have you thought about going to the GP for assessment rather than relying on OTC things like kalms? Lots of us have post natal anxiety, it’s really common and there is help available.

People ringing up saying they are on their way- lie to them! Sorry we won’t be there at 3pm, can you leave it until 4.30. Then you have an extra 90 mins to prepare. Put yourself and your baby first, not visitors who give short notice.

@TinyTeachr almost 11m I googled it and it says yelling can be just as psychologically damaging as physical abuse and I just keep getting flash backs to how my baby got so startled when I screamed my heart is broken I never imagined I’d ever say that to my baby I picked her up and told her I didn’t hate her I’ve been trying to make her laugh and acting silly ever since to make it up to her I don’t want her to think I’m a monster she really got so startled her eyes went wide and she cried and fretted like it broke her heart

@Mamette i can’t get an appointment everytime I call the waiting line is above 30 and when I get through they tell me no appointments call tomorrow I’ve been trying to get an appointment since it happened so to make sure I’m first in line this time I’ve set my alarm on my phone to 8:29 and have my finger above the call button so as soon as it hits 8:30 tomorrow hopefully I will be first and get an appointment

Your aunt is right, you're not the first or last mum to shout at their baby. Was it the best reaction given baby's age, probably not, but, short of getting a time machine and doing things differently, there's nothing you can do to change the past.
I agree with other posters in terms of getting help - can someone take your baby for a couple of hours or even a full day to let you get some rest and time to yourself...and I mean, time to yourself! Not cleaning the house or chores.
My 2 y/o and I are living with my mum now and she's been an absolute lifesaver for me, I don't know what I'd do without her. Reach out from help from family members if you can. Do you have a husband/partner to support with baby as well?

Ok yes, if done repeatedly but yelling at your child once, in a moment of frustration and stress, is not going to result in lifelong harm, especially since by the sounds of it you have been comforting, loving and caring until then and comforting, loving and caring since then. Wow, what a way to make someone feel worse. Yes, she might need some support so it doesn't become a regular thing but once is not going to damage your child's attachment, well being etc.

What a totally unhelpful comment. Shame on you. OP, really do keep trying with your GP. An occasional shout / scream is really common, and hopefully if you can get some help, won't happen again.

@Lollibert

I hope you get an appointment soon, for your own sake.

A one off shout isn't going to damage her at all. She got a fright, but it's no different than if you'd dropped something on a hard floor or whatever. It only has long term impact when it's a regular occurrence.

It is an exhausting stage, especially if they're heavy! There was a day when I put one of them into the travel cot we had set up in the lounge (long story!), plonked her on her butt firmly & went out into the garden.

I was at the very end of my rope!!

like another poster said, practice putting people off, or ignoring the mess if they have to come. You have a baby, they won't be expecting a show home.

would your Aunty be up for helping a bit? I'd help any of my nieces/goddaughters. I'd be happy to take DD out for a walk to the park or play in the garden, or whatever else you'd be happy with (swimming/soft play) to give you a break.

Can you please link to the peer reviewed academic paper where you got these "facts" from?

It was an awful moment but it's over and she won't remember it - what matters is her day to day life. You realise it wasn't ideal and you won't do it again. Being overcome with guilt and anxiousness about this won't help you or her!

You do need support though. Can you go to a children's centre or ask the health visitor or gp?

Ps that 'you can't stand up' phase doesn't last too long!
Save tidying up to nap times

A one off she will be fine. The toxic stress is caused by this keeping on happening, don't scare op. Yes you need support to not do it again op, but no your baby is not damaged or no longer bonded to you because it happened once

Please state the scientific basis for this statement:

I doubt it’s going to be a one-off event going forwards

because to the untrained eye it reads like your unfounded opinion based on nothing.

What cases?

How are the number of events measured?

@Cheesetoasts but the one off has gone and happened now so let's move on.

Op look up 'good enough parenting' you don't need to be perfect to be bonded with your child just responsive and connected enough of the time

When my son was about six months old I told him I wished he'd never been born. I had undiagnosed PND at the time. He is now 3.5 and is perfectly confident and happy little boy who doles out lots of 'I love you's'.

You're doing your best. Don't kick yourself over an isolated incident.

Op - you can tell.

Does your baby now seem afraid of you and not want to be near you?

Or does your baby want to cuddle and play with you and have you close as normal?

If the second, she is fine

Also I would set some boundaries with last minute guests and tell them no next time!

Well it didn't stop her screaming so you know that doesn't work and you won't bother doing it again.
She will be OK but you are going to have to find some way of getting her to let go of her behaviour.
It didn't exist in my mother's day, babies were strapped in a pram and put outside with a toy for hours.
My generation tended to use playpens , but I always found a high chair with a play tray so he could see what I was doing, or a walker (very frowned on these days) so he was mobile and could follow me around worked best and we have a small open plan house so he could always see me.
It's probably a bit early for bribery but it might be worth a try.

@Lollibert I did it too. Lots of people do. I didn't say what you said, but I did shout at my baby and the guilt almost killed me afterwards, but I am telling you now it's more common than you'd think. Dealing with overstimulation and being overwhelmed and touched out and everything all at once can put anyone on edge.

You didn't hurt your baby.
Your baby doesn't know what you said.
You didn't mean it.
You have identified there's an issue here, and that you need some more support to try and avoid letting things get to a head like this again.
You didn't undo every moment of love and care and tenderness and kisses and cuddles you've given your clearly loved baby.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Stay away from google, it's just adding to your anxiety (as a certain dipshit poster is reinforcing, I've reported them btw). Have a think about ways to make things more manageable in the day to day, and reach out for some professional advice on managing anxiety.