I screamed at my poor baby

[Lollibert]

Im a ftm The other day I was extremely stressed and overwhelmed/overstimulated, my baby is going through separation anxiety and it’s so bad that we can’t even stand up or she’ll scream she either wants to be held or for us to sit on the floor with her, so the house looked like a tip because I physically couldn’t do anything she’s too heavy for a carrier as it kills my back, so we had some unexpected company rang told me they were on the way my stress levels immediately went through the roof, I began rushing to get everything tidy and meanwhile my baby was screaming from the top of her lungs, I must’ve overdosed on kalms I took so much to try and bring my stress levels down she was following me from room to room and sitting at my feet crying, I gave her snacks I gave her toys I tried putting on tv nothing distracted her she just wanted me to sit on the floor with her I lost it and screamed at her “I hate you” ever since I’ve been overcome with guilt everytime I look at her I’m reminded of what i said to her I don’t hate my baby I love her so much she’s the apple of my eye I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but this is keeping me awake at night I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship somehow, this happened about 2 weeks ago But I can’t forget it because it haunts my every waking moment and makes my mental health plummet I called my aunt to come over that day and she helped me get the house in order and hold my baby I cried and cried to her about what I said and she told me I wasn’t the first or last mother to scream at their baby and I shouldn’t feel bad about it but I do I feel so bad that it’s making me terribly depressed I can’t get it out of my mind

Go away @Cheesetoasts

Oh god op, most of us have been there with the frustration (apart from cheestoasts who is perfect at all times).

It was a one off, and even though you feel like crap about it, crap mum's wouldn't give a shit about this at all.

You know what great mums do, sometimes make mistakes then recognise and rectify them, which is exactly what you're doing.

The days are long when they are so little, and it feels never ending, you'll come through this, even though it feels eternal right now.

Don't fret too much op, I fucked up with my kids more times than I care to mention, and they still love me lots.

Yes to help.

No to suggesting shouting at a child once can have lifelong effects. Complete nonsense. Raised cortisol levels are a problem when they are sustained day after day, with little or no recovery. There is no harm at all from a one off of the kind here, very irresponsible to risk distressing the OP further.

Please look after yourself, OP. Everyone snaps now and again - it's a part of life. But you sound very stressed and on edge. Your guilt over this sounds excessive to me, so if you have access to help, please take it. Life shouldn't be this difficult and you should be able to bounce back from a mistake (and see it clearly as just a mistake) more easily.

I googled it and it says yelling can be just as psychologically damaging as physical abuse

That is referring to repeated yelling. Not a one off isolated incident in an otherwise loving caring environment.

Think about if she'd picked up something dangerous and you'd yelled "STOP!" For her, it would have been the same, the shock and startle etc, but you wouldn't be worrying that it damaged her from a single yell. No one would suggest that you had. So why would different words be any different? It was still a one off shout.

But I agree with PPs that you should get some help generally.

Cannot believe @Cheesetoasts replies! Been there and done it ,yelling at one of my babies to Shut the fuck up …not my proudest parenting moment and very much a one off ,child is a fully functioning adult and we have a great relationship. Only recently my kids were saying what a chilled Mum I was when they were children/ teenagers…no harm done.
Have a chat with your HV or GP if you are struggling…absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.Xx

@Lollibert she won’t remember my dear, this is more about how you’re feeling

my 9mo had such a bad separation issue, he had to be on me while I was having a tooth implant done 😂

it will pass

like others said perhaps think of a mechanism of how to deal with it before exploding

sending hugs

Most of us have snapped, screamed and shouted at our children, even in the baby stage. You're only human OP and being a parent is really testing!

I had PNA + a high demands first baby. I remember shouting and saying something really nasty to him once in the car and feeling v guilty about it. Turns out all my friends had done something similar at some point. He's older now and we have a lovely bond.

No PNA with second child, and I'm much less shouty / snappy. I'd recommend talking to your doctor. Propranolol is a good chill pill for stress/anxiety and is non addictive unlike antidepressants. Also, just try to rest and relax more.

Ignore cheesetoasts OP, there's always at least one poster per thread who just seems to like kicking someone when they are down and it seems that they have decided to take the job on for this thread. Pay them no mind.

You aren't the first person to shout at or in front of a baby and you won't be the last. Promise. Little kids can be absolutely relentless, it is so hard.

Do you have support? Can your aunty help a bit? Just to give you a break and some time for yourself? We all have a limit, it's learning to recognise when it's approaching that's key. Asking for help can seem really hard but it's so important.

The next time someone calls up and says they are dropping round unexpectedly, tell them no, or if you really can't, lie a bit and say you won't be in then can they make it an hour later, don't stress yourself out tidying up for them, if they want to turn up on a whim then they can put up with a bit of mess.

Absolute crap @Cheesetoasts. You should be banned for a) spurious made up nonsense and b) piling on a mum when she's clearly vulnerable.

OP, you haven't done your baby any long term damage. I promise. My DP's mum had severe post partum psychosis and did far worse to him than just shouting at him, and he is absolutely fine and they have a great relationship.

Help is available if you're struggling, and you don't need to be ashamed to ask, but please know that this one off event hasn't done her any harm at all.

Don’t worry OP we’ve all done it. No harm done. Can I just add; try to start encouraging the little one to entertain herself. Now you’ve started sitting on the floor with her she will expect that and it’s not always feasible if you’re trying to run a home as well. Buy a playpen and sit her in there (with some toys) so she can’t come to any harm. She will scream at first and it’ll take a lot of perseverance but you’ll get there and it’ll give you the freedom to do other stuff around the house x

OP you need to let go of the guilt and move on from this I think if we were all honest most people would admit to having a moment like this. When my daughter was about 8 months she was screaming and screaming and screaming in the car for about half an hour I was getting so frustrated and tbh probably wasn’t able to pay attention to the road, I shouted “will you just shut the fuck up!!” She got a fright I pulled over and cried and felt absolutely terrible. It never happened again, she’s 3 and a half now, lovely child, very attached. Not my finest parenting moment but it’s absolutely not had any harmful effects.

Fucking second this!

Your comments are neither helpful nor wanted!

OP, it is perfectly human to not be the best parent 100% of the time. You are doing your best. Honestly though, next time take yourself away, you'll feel less guilty and of the two options (shouting and losing your patience or just leaving LO to cry for a few minutes while you calm down) it's definitely the least impactful or damaging.

Separation anxiety will get better, it's just a phase, like every tough stage. Just remember that, and remember to breathe.

In that case, please could you link to the source of these facts.

What has happened is in the past. You can’t change that. What you can do however is get support to make sure you are supported so that it doesn’t happen again.

your child is attached to you. Your response to her is the main thing here. Giving her reassurance and love is the most important thing. She isn’t going to remember this in years to come UNLESS it happens regularly- which it doesn’t sound like this will happen based on how guilty and rubbish you feel about it.

@Cheesetoasts

Stop being a cunt.

@StephanieSuperpowers when I dreamed of being a mom I always thought I’d be the best mom ever you know like the moms on tv even tho my baby is clingy she is so perfect in every way she’s everything I ever wanted the fact that she did not deserve to be screamed and would never deserved to be screamed at is getting me down I wish I could make the feeling go away and just move on from it I’ve learned my mistake but everytime she smiles at me it reinforces that guilt she loves me so much she just wanted me to hold or sit with her and I shouted at her she wasn’t doing anything wrong I had PND after she was born but not any more

thank you everyone for your replies there are too many to reply to but I really appreciate your input I didn’t even see what the cheese toast person said apart from the first message as it just says this message was deleted and thank you all for defending me even tho I don’t think I deserve it but I appreciate you all

@Lollibert you sound like you still have anxiety though, and that's ok, but do get support for it. All your focus is on one moment you made a mistake, you sound quite stressed. To your baby, you are the best mom ever. You just might need a bit more help.

As everyone else has said, baby is and will be fine, and you've recognised the problem and are seeking help – that makes you a good mum! I will also say that both my daughters had intense separation anxiety phases and it is hard, especially if it's all centred on you, even daddy or other close relatives won't do.

If you're struggling to get an appointment at the GP, please do get in contact with your HV, or ring the general HV number – they can help with post-natal anxiety and depression. If you do need further support from the GP, they may be able to help with that as well – mine has certainly managed to expedite appointments for us.

@Lollibert , I really do understand. But the Moms you see on TV are fiction. In reality, we all have bad days, good days and great days. We're brilliant mothers at times, mostly just OK and sometimes we let ourselves down. BUT you have to remember that if you're perfect all the time, you can't teach your child to be a normal human and to understand that not everything in life is ideal all the time. This isn't necessarily the best way to teach tolerance of things not being right always, but you are human. She is a human. Imperfection is part of the human condition and by the time you two are done with each other, you'll both have plenty of things to forgive!

What your Aunt said is true! Separation anxiety is a difficult stage and unexpected company stresses lots of people. She won't remember it, you'll try not to do it again, try to move on and let go of the guilt.