What to do if you're desperate for a baby but the other half can't stand children!

[Sootsweep]

Hello, this is my first post having just joined Mumsnet! Not really sure if i've put it in the right place?
The situation is this...
Over the last few years i have been growing increasingly broody and in the last few months it has got to the point where i think about it all the time. Obviously my biological clock is ticking really fast and i feel ready. BTW i am nearly 30 so a good age i think. I am getting married this August to my partner of 9 years. Generally we get on very well and have very similar interests, outlook on life and aspirations except concerning children. For me i know they will be the most amazing and fulfilling part of my life but my boyfriend sees them as an end to his freedom. He basically thinks that as soon as he has kids his life will be over and all the dreams he has of going travelling will never happen. I think that of course our lives will change but in many positive ways and i also think that having children doesn't mean an end to travelling. Admittedly it will be harder and require more flexibility and creativity but i think if you have a positive can do attitude you can do most things.
Some people have told me to just get pregnant but i think that wouyld be a terrible thing to do and would probably destroy our relationship. On the other hand, maybe having a child will destroy our relationship anyway because he might resent me and not having one will destroy it because i would resent him! The thing is i know that he would actually make a good dad and would find it extremely rewarding. He is a natural pessimist and often thinks he won't like things until he actually tries them.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What was the outcome? Any advice welcome. Thanks!

You really have to wrok out whether this problem is sortable before you get married. If you don't agree on this fundamental issue and are not likely to then it will detsroy your marriage anyway. If you want children-you will come to resent your partner if he stands in the way.

However-lots of men feel like your partner and go on to have a family!-you have to talk this through and perhaps agree a time for him to travel and a time for you to start a family

My ex-boss married a bloke who didn't want kids. He never changed her mind and she reacted badly to other people's pregnancies...I felt for her.

My SIL and BIL have recently seperated over the issue of children, they already had his and hers from first marriages, she wants 'their' baby, BIL didn't. I hope they get back together but they definately won't have more kids.

Personally I would not get married until you have decided on this matter together. Then you know if you are intending on having children or not. If he knows it is a deal breaker he might change his mind, I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose, it is plain wrong.

you need to think very carefully about what you want more - children or your partner. If you disagree over something so fundamental, it doesn't bode well IMO and IME

this is an issue which you CANNOT compromise on and think it should be resolved before you get married

FWIW, lots of people have doubts and fears about having children so it is good to talk them through

Welcome to MN

I think that you need to have a very frank discussion about what you both want from your relationship, before you get married.

If one partner wants children, and one partner doesn't, there is no way to compromise without one person having to completely change the way they think.

And if the truth is that your DP really "can't stand children", is he really the right man for you to have children with?

It would be very sad if you had a child and he spent the rest of his life resenting you and the child for the life he might have had.

Getting 'accidentally' pregnant would be disastrous I think.

Believe me, if he doesn't want kids, he won't be happy if you talk him into it. With such a fundamental difference of opinion for you, I would say it's better to cut your losses, but only you can make that decision.

I ended a relationship for this very reason when I was in my late 20s. I wanted to have kids, he was adamant that he did not. There was no way forward for us together, no compromise to be made. I certainly wasn't prepared to go on in the hope that he would "come round eventually" and wasn't prepared to force him into a life that he quite clearly did not want i.e. just get pregnant. You need to think very carefully about this BEFORE you get married.

You can't make someone want a baby. Imagine if you hated dogs, and he turned up one day with 2 puppies, and said "Here, these are yours. You have to look after them like glass for the next 18 years. They'll trash your house. They cannot be kenneled. They cannot be left alone for the next 14 years. You will have to pay a lot to get other people to care for them for you.

"Waht do you mean, youdon't want them? Tough shit, they're yours mate, and if you try to run out on them, you will be tracked down and made to cough up 20% of your income for something you never wanted in the first place!"

Be realistic.

If you had a baby, his dreams of traveling wouldf stay dreams. It is prohibitively difficult, and people's priotities change dramatically.

It is not fair to try to talk him into a life he is adamant he does not want.

Agree with all other posts - you need to talk to him about it.

My friend wanted nothing more than to get married and have kids. Her DH is one of those sorts who hates change so it took her an age just to get married. They did so on the premise that she definitely wanted kids. After nuptuals she went through a really tough time because he still didn't want kids so she felt like he'd backed out of the 'deal'.

He eventually reluctantly came round and is now a lovely dad to his DD but he still has not changed his own lifestyle that much and enjoys all the things he used to do pre-child so my friend has a lot of time on her own with the DD. She has accepted this but that is her choice.

I know for me, I would have great difficulty with that situation and thankfuully my DH actually wanted kids more than I did.

It's something you need to think very carefully about.

Thanks for all your advice. I have a lot of thinking to do!

Sorry to say it, but if he doesn't want children and you do, I can't see how it would work. I think something so fundamental really needs to be talked about before you get too far down the road of setting up a life together. You are asking him to compromise in the same way that he is asking you to - it probably feels as horrible for him to imagine having kids as it does for you contemplating a life without them.

The fact is, kids do change your life, drastically, in ways you could never imagine or explain until it happens. If you both want them, and support each other - yes, they are wonderful. But if only one of you wants them, then resentment will grow - it can't be avoided. Either you would have a baby and he would not help or support you - a hideous situation to be in, or you would not and you would resent him for preventing you having the life you aspire to.

DO NOT just go ahead and get pregnant, unless you are willing to go it alone. Doing this is deceitful and would erode any trust in your relationship.

Sorry if the above seems negative. I am relating it to a real life few cases around me you see. Can you get a dog? Or work with children? Would that help?

FWIW I think many man, particularly in their late 20s see having children in a similar way - end of freedom etc. And in some ways they are right!! What you need to establish, is whether he ever wants them. If he does, but not yet, then that's something to build on - what does he want to do first? When DH and I got married, he was keen to buy a sporty car and go on a trip to New Zealand before we had kids, which was fine by me - I would have had them sooner, but it's all about compromise. In the event, he got the car, but we never made it to New Zealand ! Saving that one up for our retirement now!

The people that are telling you to just get pregnant don't know what they are saying. A baby is not just an accessory for the house that you buy and hope that it will fit in.

Babies do change your life. You don't know what type of child you will have, you may have a very chilled baby or a very demanding and challenging child, you may have a neurotypical baby, or one with special needs. It is impossible to predict. In any of these cases, the baby needs to be accepted, loved, a lot of compromises to be made, and if the baby was not wanted in the first place I think this makes it more difficult.

I don't know what I would have done without the support from DH during these three years since our son was born (he happens to have special needs).

Sad to say, but if you boyfriend does not want children you are better to end the relationship. At 30 years old you are still young enough to find someone else who does want children.

If you trick your boyfriend into kids you might end up being a single mother.

You need to resolve this before marriage.

It was the other way round for us. I was adamant that I didn't want children. They had simply never been part of the plan. DH knew this and accepted that, although he had always seen himself as a father, if he wanted to be with me that wasn't going to happen. Eventually I changed my mind and DH was delighted. But you can't count on that happening. With me I guess it was my biological clock having it's say.... it won't be the same for a man.

Does he know how much it matters to you?

Is it that he knows about children and doesn't like them- or is it that he doesn't know?

My dh was not keen on the idea- but then it turned out he didn't really know any children. It also took me gently pointing out that children can travel/join the Young Archaeologist's club/make interesting company round the Art Gallery etc.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN until you get this sorted out.

And if you think breaking off an engagement is painful, a divorce is far, far worse.

I was very immature and young when I married an equally immature man.

Instead of talking about things like kids, we just merrily went on not worrying abuot the future.

Eight years later, we finalised an amicable, but a very painful divorce because he did not want children.

There is nothing wrong with this. Not wanting children doesn't make a person selfish, ungiving, immature or bad. Quite the opposite. It takes much to be honest with yourself and your partner about such a huge issue and be mature enough to admit to yourself that you do not want to parent.

Explore this man's reasons for not wanting them.

If they are deep seated and really intrinsic to the person he is, you both need to find other people you can be happy with.

29 is young enough to make such a break.

The last thing a child needs is a parent who had to be cajoled or manipulated into having them against their better judgement.

And for every 'oh, but once the baby comes along he'll love it', there's a lone parent whose partner has left.

Babies and children have a huge impact on a relationship. Ideally, it needs to be VERY solid before you start trying to conceive.

Absolutely agree with expat -- it has to be rock solid before you even start trying.

FWIW, I look back at myself before we had dc1 in complete horror. I (we) had no idea how having a child would change our lives fundamentally.

We just got away with it, and managed to steer ourselves through some very tough times - and that's with an easy, healthy baby .

You need to set aside as much time as it takes to discuss this, and try to be as honest about it with each other as you can.

Only read the OP.

I wouldn't marry anyone who was so against having children when it was something I wanted.

Saying he can't stand children is very strong and you can't have a child in the hope it will be one of those cases that he doesn't like something until he tries it! You can't send the child back if he dislikes it!!

Can't imagine anything more lonely than having a baby with somebody who didn't want one.

Haven't read the whole thread but I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't stand kids.

my H didn't want kids when we were younger, but it was always that he didn't want them YET.
We finally agreed to ttc when we were 29, and had our 1st child. I then wanted a 2nd, he didn't. He agreed to ttc a 2nd because it was making me so unhappy and (in his words) he couldn't bear to see me so unhappy over something he could solve.
He had now decided to leave (we have a 5yo and a 2yo) and while this isn't because of the kids he is still leaving his kids.
While I will NEVER regret my children, we are all now in a terrible situation - that would probably have been avoided if he has been upfront about the fact that he never wanted children (in that I would have decided ok and stayed, or that I couldn't accept that and left).
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sort this out before you marry him.

God this is such a difficult position for you to be in!

I agree with what most people have said. Firstly, you really need to talk to your DP about this before you get married, it is important that you find out whether he never wants kids or whether he just does not want them yet. There is an important distinction and you need the facts to make any decisions. Many guys in their late 20's/early 30's could not see themselves having kids yet but want them at a later date. Often people want to "live" a bit more first. Personally I would rather be like my parents, have kids young the by the time you are 50 have no kids at home anymore, have a large disposable income and spend 3-6 months every year on holiday! It all depends on your priorities. Or he just might not wants kids at all. You need to find out which one it is and decide whether you can really live with that.

If its "I want them some day but not yet" then you might be happy with that, as long as you can except that you will have to wait. I would still have concerns but thats because kids are really important to me and DH and I know that I couldn't wait x amount of years knowing there was a risk that the time would never be right, listening to my biological clock ticking and dealing with the broodiness that never goes away, it just gets worse. I mean FGS I am on MN and not a Mum yet (waiting to try to conceive in Sept which is when we can just about afford it) but I know how hard it is to live with wanting a child but not being able to have one yet and I am only 25 (although I have been with DH for nearly 10 years, married for nearly 4) and we have wanted kids since our early 20's but money always seems to get in the way. You are not me, and you might be prepared to take the risk, I know I couldn't be with anyone who didn't want a family but thats just me. You are young enough to wait a few years if thats what you want but it is a big sacrifice to make so you have to be sure you can live with that.

If he doesn't want kids at all then I don't think its fair to try and make him change his mind or trick him into becoming a father. Its you that has the decision to make, can you live without having kids? Will it eat away at you and your marriage? There is no point going through with the wedding if what you and he wants out of life are completely different, love is not enough if you have completely different aspirations. You will have to decide whether you want to be childless but with him or have children but with someone else. I do not envy you!

i really feel for you!!!

my first marriage broke down because of this exact same situation, my exdh and i were quite young and i simlpy assumed that one day we would have dcs - big mistake!

to this day, my ex has never remarried or had any children, he REALLY meant it when he said that a family was not on his wish list, 20years on, i'm very happy, one dd and ex and i are on friendly terms and wish each other well.

please don't have an 'accident', not only it is not fair on the bloke, imagine having to tell a child that 'actually, dad never wanted you' heartbreaking

i know this sounds hard, but you proberbly should call a halt to the relationship because one of you could potentially end up as very unhappy, as previous posters have stated, this is a 'no crompromise' situation.