What to do if you're desperate for a baby but the other half can't stand children!

[Sootsweep]

Hello, this is my first post having just joined Mumsnet! Not really sure if i've put it in the right place?
The situation is this...
Over the last few years i have been growing increasingly broody and in the last few months it has got to the point where i think about it all the time. Obviously my biological clock is ticking really fast and i feel ready. BTW i am nearly 30 so a good age i think. I am getting married this August to my partner of 9 years. Generally we get on very well and have very similar interests, outlook on life and aspirations except concerning children. For me i know they will be the most amazing and fulfilling part of my life but my boyfriend sees them as an end to his freedom. He basically thinks that as soon as he has kids his life will be over and all the dreams he has of going travelling will never happen. I think that of course our lives will change but in many positive ways and i also think that having children doesn't mean an end to travelling. Admittedly it will be harder and require more flexibility and creativity but i think if you have a positive can do attitude you can do most things.
Some people have told me to just get pregnant but i think that wouyld be a terrible thing to do and would probably destroy our relationship. On the other hand, maybe having a child will destroy our relationship anyway because he might resent me and not having one will destroy it because i would resent him! The thing is i know that he would actually make a good dad and would find it extremely rewarding. He is a natural pessimist and often thinks he won't like things until he actually tries them.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What was the outcome? Any advice welcome. Thanks!

sorry, i meant that dd is my 2nd dh child.

first dh prefers dolly birds and sports cars to children

i could have written this post 3 years ago. when we got married his position was that he hated kids but expected that as he got older he would want one. when I got to 30 (he is a couple of years younger) I got very broody and we had the cards on the table discussion as I felt it was not fair of him to say he may want kids one day and string me along until I was too old. We agreed to stop using contreception and to see what happened. looking back that was him avoiding divorce at all costs, not him changing his mind about kids.

i took a year to get pregnant. dd is now 19 months old and in many ways I am a single parent. dh does not interact with dd unless I push them together, the best I can get is a kiss in the morning and a couple of bedtime stories some nights. the first 6 months were awful as he couldn't bear to be in the same room as her if she cried. he says his life is over and in many ways it is. I havent managed to go back to work, he talked me into leaving my job which I regrett and resent him for. I am trying to restart my career but tis very complicated. so money is too tight for his expensive hobbies. even if I were to work full time childcare costs would mean we are very little better off anyway. and I would resent him blowing all our spare money on his hobbies. At best I feel like a single parent, at worst its like I have 2 kids who both want my undivided attention.
I would have loved a sibling for dd but dh wanted, and has had, a vasectomy and I have learned my lesson about bringing a child into the world that isn't wanted by both parents.
we are close to seperating to be honest but I'm still hoping me can work through it as I do still love him.

As an aisde,I find the idea that your life is 'over' once you have kids really weird.
Dh and I have travelled loads since having ours, and not just hideous baby friendly all inclusive jaunts. We've gone everywhere-Thailand,Malaysia,Sri Lanka, Turkey.

We 're off to Caribbean and Bangladesh in next few months and will spend Christmas on an island by the Burmese border.

Oh,and we have (or are) both studying for MScs since having kids and genreally just having a good ole time.

Oh I really feel for you here. I could have written this myself about 18 months ago. I had been in relationship for 10 years with a partner who really didn't like or want children. I somehow convinced myself that I didn't either, but deep down I think I knew I was kidding myself. The realtionship ended (not purely for this reason but more to do with him not wanting to grow up etc). Basically, I am now in a fantastic relationship with Mr Right and we have been trying to conceive for 2 months now! I now know how much I do want children, and am loving being with a man who wants them even more than I do. I echo your words about your fiancee - we get along in 'every other way' (ditto)- but this WILL come between you. (We are the same age as well-you too could meet someone else pretty quickly!) PLease please give this some serious thought, as you could spend the next 10 (or 40?)years being miserable. I really don't think an accidental pg is a good idea. I often wondered what would have happened if this had occured for me, and now I realise he would probably have just left. Sorry to be negative here. HOPEFULLY, your partner maybe just doesn't want them yet, and when you lay it all on the line, he might make his true feelings clear. GOOD LUCK!!!

Thank you everyone for your very helpful advice

Quite a few men I know share(d) your partner's outlook.
(and a good number of women, too, come to think of it)
Some of them have changed their views over time, some have not.

Put your feelings and your position honestly and openly on the table.
Tell him that you are getting married with the explicit short-/mid-term
goal of having babies.
And then let him have a think about it.

You need to work this out before you get married. If you cn't come to an agreement about having children then it would probably be best top part.
Geting acidently pregnent would not be a good idea.

Remind him that he may not like children in general but your own is a whole different ball game. He'll love them more than he ever thought possible.

Not necessarily, Silvertongue.

And besides, would you gamble your child's happiness and well-being on the chance that he would?

Because there are plenty who just don't.

DON'T MARRY THIS MAN till you two have a long and serious discussion, even counselling, about this issue.

Been there, bought the tshirt.

You're right Expat. I've read the thread now and it seems some just won't ever want a child.
I have a good friend who's split up with her boyfriend over this very issue. They still love each other but he won't even entertain the idea of children and she knows she at least wants the option some day rather than have the choice made for her by someone else.

SOrry you are in this horrible situation.
Not sure why you are even considering marrying someone who doesnt want children when you so clearly do.

That, is not a minor issue. Its like a fatal flaw. You simply have to follow the advice on here and resolve this before marriage.

Good luck

I'm glad she's giving herself a chance, Lyra, to have children - either with someone else or on her own.

I know how hard it is, to leave an otherwise good relationship, its having lead to my divorce.

But hey, as my ex put it, 'It's just as unfair to me to make that decision for you as it is for you to make it for me.'