How can it feel ok?

[seasaltwater]

I have one child - conceiving took over three years, multiple surgeries and losses. Due to endometriosis, birth injury/surgery - I am no longer able to conceive (basically gone into menopause v.early).

For lots of reasons, I wanted to have two children. I know it's not everyone, but it feels like most people around me float very easily into being pregnant and having a child when they want one. Everyone else's joy makes me feel so sad.

I want to know how it can start to feel ok to confidently have one child and be able to answer questions about 'only one?' without it making me feel like a failure/deepest of sadness.

(Please no fertility tips, or miracle stories or suggestions to adopt)

Sorry you’ve had such a hard ride and that things still feel so difficult now. I had a hard time with fertility too, I’ve for my first, then a miscarriage and ivf for my second, then a third unexpected pregnancy at the end at 41. All I can offer is maybe these two things. First I think that over time, whatever family shape and size you have starts to feel complete. I think particularly as your baby grows older the thought of going back to those early days often becomes less appealing. You might always have a song but I don’t think it will have the searing pain it does now.
Second, and this is probably just my own troubles speaking, but multiple children is just really really draining, physically, financially, emotionally. Life feels way way too intense for me now. When I just had one I had a bit of space for exercise, writing, work, friendships and all of that is gone now. I think there can be loads of benefits of smaller families. The time you get to spend with your child is calmer and more focused and so often more enjoyable. I think when the grieving periods ebbs away and also as your child grows and becomes their own big personality, your family will just hopefully feel right.
Sorry again though. It’s such a soul destroying thing going through fertility problems and such an awful lot to process. I totally sympathise with jealousy, I’ve been there too. I currently have it for people with enough money/more space in their houses and a decent job. None of which I have any prospect of for quite some time.

Oh sweetheart. This sounds like something which is going to have to come from within you. I have fewer children than I would like, and my methodology is to read, read and read some more. So if I were you I'd be googling 'one and done' and only reading the blogs/articles/threads which put the most positive of spins on it. I'd find a tribe of people who also have one child, either by choice or design so that I had a group of people with whom that world was the norm. There's a whole Mumsnet section devoted to one child families. Within that group I'd encourage the sharing of the positive sides to only children (there are many!). That would be my strategy. But who's to say what works for me would work for you. I hope that little by little you'll be able to heal your own hurt enough for you to be able to share in the joy of others when they announce subsequent families, and that over time the sting dissipates. Sending you strength. I'm sorry this hasn't worked out how you'd have chosen.

I hear you, OP. Trying to work my way through it too. I'm focussing on the positives of life with only one child, and my delight in DS himself. I find it helps a bit. But yes, it's hard.

I’m not really the target to help with this, as I’m happily one and done, but I did struggle massively when dealing with infertility and loss for 4 years before we had our DD (and I also have endometriosis). I don’t know how I would have come to terms with it if we had not managed to have a child, but I think a lot of it would have been focusing on the pros of a childless life.

There are so many pros of life with one child. Some of it is dependant on your circumstances, for example financially it costs so much less having one and you can use the money you do have to help your child out and enjoy more activities with them, but if you were a millionaire that probably wouldn’t really apply.

You will have more time with your one child, and can do much more with them in terms of age appropriate activities. I took my DD swimming today, I was so glad not to have to also dress and undress a baby for swimming and hold them in the water and deal with potentially crying and needing to sort milk for them, instead I threw some snacks in the swim bag and got to focus on my toddler and have fun splashing around. I took her on a bus this afternoon to a park and again was glad not to have a baby strapped to me potentially crying or needing milk, and could just be free to run around with my toddler and have fun. It’s not going to take away the sadness, but since you are only going to have one child focusing on the benefits and the enjoyment you have spending time with them may help.

Also you have more time with one child to focus on yourself, any hobbies, your career if you have one and your spouse, so maybe think about goals you have in those areas.

I am in the same boat, struggled to conceive our daughter failed ivf etc and now she's 4.5 and no sign of baby number 2.
We're approaching the age we agreed we would stop ttc in the next few months.
Not sure how I'm going to deal with it.
At the moment I try and enjoy every minute with my daughter as there was a long time where I thought I could never be a mam and how some women never get their baby.

That's what I try and focus on.
I don't know if the feeling for a second will go away.....constantly getting questions about no2... that we need to 'get cracking' for a sibling....

I try and just focus on the positives of having one child.

@seasaltwateri just thought I would give you an alternate perspective on it. I'm an adult only child I was born at the time when people had large families. My parents told me that they always got asked the same question. My mum was unable to conceive again and that is what she told people
From my point I had a very happy childhood I wasn't spoiled but I was very loved. I have grown into a normal adult I have lots of friends and never wanted to have siblings. My husband is one of three and his two sisters live in NZ

I always wanted two, then for a while thought I wouldn't be able to have any, and now feel hugely grateful that I have one.

What helps me is being completely honest about it - with myself and others. If people ask I tell them that I'd love to have another but we can't (I don't elaborate as to why).

I can't pretend that I'm "one and done" by choice, but I am getting used to the idea that it's just how it is - we can't all have everything we want and as I say I am hugely grateful for my one ❤️

ah. Thanks all, genuinely as I do feel a bit less alone having read replies.

I'm in a bit of a pit of it tonight, but will reply properly tomorrow.

I only have the one. No one has really asked me why - it's not really an unusual choice/situation. I would have liked another but DH was done. I struggled for a while with that but am at peace with it now and very happy with our lot in life.

@Beamur how did you and DH come to a resolution over it? My partner is basically not bothered. And I find it hard that he doesn't seem to have the same level of sadness / care about it (which I know is silly because two of us feeling really sad would be basically unhelpful!)

Thank you @boysfootballteam that's really helpful. I have a sibling and my parents were a bit absent/crap. So my brother is a lifeline really. It's good to know that only children have loving and full experiences of childhood if you get me.

@kikisparks ah I'm sorry. You're right tho in focusing on the possible positives (as others have said as well).

I also know if I had had a second - there are many possible complications or negatives. And there are many positives of being one and done even if not by choice (I didn't even know 'one and done' was a phrase!!)

At the moment it feels so viscerally painful. It's weird, I had a horrible pregnancy and a horrible birth so it's not like I really want those experiences again.

Someone suggested looking at one child family stuff on MN and I will, thank you.

Just watch out with some of the one child stuff on here, as sadly some people like to stick the boot in or tell you how they hated being an only child, and the one child families board seems to be mostly people asking if they should have a second 🤔. The Facebook group “My First, My Last, My Everything” seems decent so far.

I'm an only myself, so don't really see it as a bad thing. I was a happy child and didn't really like other kids! DD is similar...
How did DH and I resolve it? We did talk about it and there were good reasons to stop - he has two older children too, so it wasn't a choice of 1 to 2 for him, but 3 to 4. Practical reasons - space, money, time. He was an older Dad with DD and to be honest, I don't think he enjoyed the baby years much and really didn't want to do it again.
My only choice was to leave if I wanted another baby and I didn't want to do that. I decided to accept the situation. I did grieve for the baby I didn't have but have been blessed with an amazing DD and rather good DSC.

@Beamur ah thanks for sharing.

Ultimately I know this is something I have to work out. Like others have said, my only child is a much wanted miracle given how hard it was to get and stay pregnant, so keeping that in mind is important.

Someone (sorry I'm on the app and it's difficult to navigate) said about being upfront and honest with people about it and this is a good idea. I always get stuck in kind of saying oh well I don't know. I know it's meant well but it feels so hard when someone says (as they did yesterday) is it just one? Or are you thinking of more? (As if it's like menu order - if only!).

I think people who have never experienced pregnancy loss or fertility issues/partner resistance (and so on) can sometimes be a bit tactless around this issue. How you respond might depend a bit on the context of the conversation - chit chat with a stranger, smile and nod, conversation with a friend who means well but hasn't really thought it through - maybe a bit more honesty, you'd like another but it's not an easy choice.

I think a lot of the time people are just being polite. Two is the 'done thing', so people wonder. And are unlikely to express negativity about someone who is having two.

If you are open and up front about not being able to have another, you may find people open up about more positive stories of experiences of having or being an only.

And regardless, it's only a temporary thing. Once your dc and you become older, the question will become obviously irrelevant and people will no longer ask it. And by then you will probably have come to see many of the advantages of having an only too. Everything has its pros!

I did have two in the end, but never thought I would (ds1 was supposed to be 'impossible') so when he was a baby and people asked me about a second I would answer 'this one was like winning the lottery, you can't expect to win it twice'.

I wanted another one but I have endometriosis and I think my DD's conception was a bloody miracle as by the time anyone got round to giving me a laparoscopy it had gone into my tube! Never got pregnant again. I felt like you for years and then DD started asking for a sibling saying it wasn't fair she didn't have one and her friends did. Eventually I had to have a frank conversation with her about why. She seems fine with it now and we are a very happy family of 4 (including the cat!). I think you just find peace with it in the end and now I'm nearly 43 I would actually laugh my head off if I got pregnant now. Xx

I only managed to get pregnant once and I’m grateful to have our lovely boy, who is now an adult. It took a long time to conceive him and after trying for quite a while for a second baby we just gave up and a slowly accepted we would only have one child together. My husband does have a daughter who is older than our son and I have a lovely relationship with her. I know she’s not biologically mine but I’ve been in her life since she was two so I do feel maternal towards her.

We did used to get asked when we were having another baby but I was just honest and said it hadn’t happened. I figured being honest would shut the question down, which it tended to. I totally came to feeling at peace with my one child and feel glad now that I never had any more children. Hopefully you will feel a peace with it at some point 🌷

Aw op I don't have children but I am an only child, so I have no practical emotional advice but can share that I love being an only, and wouldn't change it for the world. I know mum was asked sometimes why "just" one as she's eldest of six, and she always just said how happy her & Dad were with me 🥰 (I think she'd have happily had more, but was also happy with one).

I wish people wouldn't ask stupid questions though, it's none of their business!

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

We currently have one child and my husband is ambivalent about another, although I would like 2 children.

Something that helps me be ok with this (if we don't end up trying for a second, if we do but it doesn't work out, and just to not dwell on the uncertainty) is this:

I remind myself that the reason I want another child is because I love being a mum to my DS. I love our family of three and wanting another child is because I want more of what I already have. So what I have is good, and can be enough. I don't want to waste precious time with my family as it is now wishing that it was different.

I feel for you, and think you're grieving the children you don't have.

Other people are mostly just making conversation when they say "only one". You certainly don't owe anyone an explanation. If they ask, just say "yes" and stop.

If you need to, get a line you can use easily. A laugh and "I got it right first time" works ok, or I'm quitting while I'm ahead.

People can't make you feel better you have to choose that, I do think it's sad that your child may feel they are not enough for you

Why waste their childhood worrying about something else, should let it be about them not you?

One of my strongest identity in life is sister. It means a lot to me, it was with my sisters that tried out all the different hats on that I now treasure in life.

I knew before having my daughter that could make me seriously unwell and with a 50% chance of this happening. It unfortunately did happen. I was acutely unwell for 14 months and it was another year to get well. To do so, I was put on medication that I can't conceive on and the chance of it happening again is 50+%
For me the hardest part has been feeling that it is beyond my control. I have been able to reduce some medication but then we also have my daughter and her medical needs which take a lot of my oxygen. I don't know what to do to be honest but what I am trying to do is be vocal about the fact I don't know what to do and not with everyone but some times when I get asked if I'm having another I do talk about the logistical difficulties. At times I feel like for the people around me that it's a more straightforward decision. Even if my situation is the same as those around me, I want them to know there are others out there where these decisions are not simple or beyond their control. I come from a family that have always spoken about these things and I think it helps. My grans first born died in infancy, my nan had a miscarriage, my aunt and uncle were never able to have children, my mum miscarried my sister's twin, my sister had an ectopic pregnancy and my sister had to have a termination for medical reasons. Although having said that none of them know about my situation!

I would love to have another child and my daughter to have the chance to be a sister but I know there will be other people friends or her cousin where she can get out of life what I got as a sister

@FrizzledFrazzle thats a lovely way of looking at it - thank you.

@Superscientist I'm sorry - that all sounds really tough. It's so difficult balancing different health needs. When there was an outside chance I could still conceive again, people (my MIL being one) looked at me rather horrified when I said I would like another one given the severe challenges bringing one into the world brought (it was a very complicated birth, after a complicated pregnancy, and i was ill for a long time. mentally still not well but thats a different, if connected, story!). being able to talk freely about it is important even if it doesnt heal the sadness, it at least makes it something open.

@WandaWonder There are lots of reasons I would want a second child - many of them relate to wanting my daughter to have a sibling especially as they grow older. One day - as I'm sure she will ask why she doesn't have siblings and her friends do I will explain in a way that is understandable. i don't think anything in what i have said could indicate i make my daughter feel she isn't enough.

And I don't agree that I, or anyone else, can simply 'chose' to feel better. I posted to ask for advice as this is an issue others face and may have wisdom or experiences to share. A lot of posts on mumsnet reflect the posters hope for support, reassurance, advice (ie 'other people making them feel better' as you put it).

But thanks for your advice that I stop worrying.