Managing boys

[staybyyou]

I have two boys 6&4 who are, and always have been, energetic. They are generally polite, happy, fun kids. However recently they are being extremely hard to work, and I’m at a loss to manage them. They want to playfight, wrestle, run and shout, what feels like, most of the time. This is ok sometimes (at the park or if they are just messing about at home) but so often it escalates into someone getting hurt, or them jumping about shouting and screaming unable to calm down and be sensible. I feel like I dread being at home with them and I’m getting stressed with them which just makes it worse and I hate the cycle I’m in. They do clubs, sports, I take them out on their bikes and scooters, they have lots of toys (which they can and do play with nicely together sometimes), and we go out a lot! I’ve tried sticker charts for good kind behaviour and for listening first time, they then get a treat. But they are now very centred on the treat and what they may get, and grumpy if it’s not what they want. I’ve tried ignoring the behaviour, as everyone keeps telling me ‘that’s what brothers are like’, but it’s impossible to do that when out at the shops or getting ready to go to school. One of their childcarers has said that one is not being very respectful as they are jumping and running about and not listening, I’m mortified and know I need to fix this sooner rather than later so any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. Please be kind as I’m feeling low about it.

Mine are 5 and 3 OP and much the same. I don't have the answers I'm afraid.

We have had some luck with the treat method, and they have to work together to above it which helps, but as you say they do get over focussed on the treat. Or they don't care unless it's a big deal, which is sometimes too long to wait.

Getting out loads is important, as is modelling the right reactions. Easier said than done I know. Lots of praise for kindness, environment awareness and distraction. We do need to make time for the running and shouting and rolling on each others heads tho, and try to limit roughy behaviour to when it's 'appropriate'.

Hopefully some posters will be along to tell us some more ideas!

If the targeted reward is working well this course is good for helping target a bit more accurately, and should avoid the issue of them obsessing over the treat: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/home/welcome

Also they have to get their energy out, children are a bit like dogs in that sense - some of them need much more exercise than others. So if they aren't getting enough focused activity, then they will try to meet that need in other ways which will come out in inappropriate contexts like at school, childcare, in arguing with each other etc.

How much responsibility do they have at home? It's a good age to introduce chores if you haven't already. That helps them feel responsible/part of a wider whole and useful, which are important.

This might be useful as well, if you feel that they tend to push for that action when they are generally lagging a bit (in energy/self-discipline/etc) and then the action almost seems to push them over the edge and make it worse.

https://theotbutterfly.com/sensoryseeker/sensory-processing/

I've got two boys, older now. You do what you'd do for any pair of children whose behaviour is not up to what it should be. So you enforce the basics, you don't excuse poor behaviour because of the sex of the child and you treat them as individuals.

So the basics. You don't hurt anyone else, you stop if the other person says stop, you aren't physically careless (breaking things, throwing things wildly etc). I wouldn't reward for not doing these things as they are such basic behaviour things. So if they can't manage to play without doing these things then they are separated and either or both of them (as necessary) have sanctions. So, the thing they are playing with removed, quiet time apart from each other, TV off, device privileges lost or similar. Then you enforce all that consistently.

It helps if they both have a space to retreat to that is theirs, particularly for the older one to be able to play without the younger one interfering all the time.

And yes, lots of positive reinforcement of the behaviours that you do want, so kindness to each other, being careful etc etc

Thanks for the solidarity @RinklyRomaine

Yeah I agree they don't really appear to care about any consequences or rewards (maybe they do but it's not that obvious), they are just having too much fun being silly. Quite often the only way to calm them is to make one leave the room. It's frustrating as I think 'if you'd just stopped 5mins ago when I asked this wouldn't need to happen!'. Its even harder out if they do it as aside from leaving, which I have done before, it's tricky to stop it. I do try and allow them to play like that, but maybe I need to be more specific and obvious and say 'in 10 mins we will do playdough/a game/play cars'.

@BertieBotts thank you, ill definitely take a look at those.

Yes we've discussed chores, I think DS6 would enjoy more responsibility. He does a few very basic things like laying the table and making his bed. And yes I take them out a lot!! They are generally fine if interested in something, it's worse if we have to do something boring like shopping or I'm busy at home and they are having to entertain themselves. But the less I leave them to do that the worse they get at it really. It's quite exhausting being a play manager

@fedupandstuck thanks. It's good to have steps written down.

Also I'm not excusing them at all because they are boys, just giving context really. They are definitely like puppy dogs. I'm sad I'm becoming stressed and shouty at them and so want to change the dynamic.

Sports sports sports.

Get them involved in a martial art if they want to jump about and wrestle. Get them into whatever sports they're interested in and run the bloody legs off them in general.

People like to pretend boys and girls are the same but they simply are not. You need to run them about like you would a young dog.

And as PPs have said, firm rules. Lay down the law about hurting other people and have consequences. They are learning to play fight and control taking it too far which is important, it's literally part of their development to understand their strength, spatial awareness, proprioception, and physical skills. It's normal behaviour.

Nastiness, intentionally hurting, bad sportsmanship, and screaming at the top of their lungs are not good behaviours however and there needs to be rules for these.

If you physically exhaust them every day and get them into sports then there should, as a natural consequence, be less of the other nonsense.

Sending sympathy, I have a close family member with boys a year older than yours and they are exhausting. When they come round I have to hide certain toys - electronics, anything easily broken, anything that can be used as a play sword etc. they leap and jump around ALL the time, tearing from one room to the other, working everyone up and being so silly. Then inevitably they will fight and fall out. Their sister distances herself as much as possible! Feel so awful saying this but a couple of hours is enough for me and then relived when they leave! (Have x2 DD, they have their own issues but def don’t do the constant leaping around and silliness, I’m not used to it)

From years of working with them, I'd say that the majority of young boys need more physical exercise than most people imagine.

Same as you OP, 8 and 5. I feel like we are “that” loud, chaotic family whether it’s on the school run, with family and friends. They wind each other with excitement or anger, they don’t listen.

@Yourethebeerthief yes 100%

They do Martial arts already, I'm looking at cricket too. They do another club on a Saturday. It's expensive though. When I don't need to be cooking/cleaning/shopping we are outside.

Can I ask what rules/sanctions you would suggest. They don't really watch screens except when genuinely knackered after/around tea time. They would happily put them down though to 'play'.

Children need exercise. The lack of emphasis on physical activity for girls is what hampers their physical confidence and hampers the development of their physical skills such as strength, spatial awareness, proprioception.

This is irrelevant to the OP though, who is dealing with basic poor behaviour from her two children.

@NeedtostopusingMNsomuch are you part of my close family

@fedupandstuck I will say that they are only like this together. Take them out separately, or when they play with other children, and they do not behave like this.

@freespirit333 glad it's not just me!!

This. it is so important to not excuse any behaviour because of their sex. Clear and enforced boundaries.

That's siblings for you, in their home environment. They spend more time together with just each other, than with any other children or setting.

@fedupandstuck yes I know, it's exhausting micromanaging every minute to try and reduce this behaviour though.

@Rosesanddaisies1 what sort of clear and enforced boundaries would you use?

Sympathy, I had a 6 & 4 Yr old when I had a third boy many years ago and used to describe them as like a pack of puppy dogs. Not much in the way of recommendation other than to know its natural and just leave them to it at home unless someone is getting hurt, then I'm afraid it's just separation and consequences for the one who has hurt the other. (Whatever bothers them most, chores, loss of computer time, bed early although did allow reading😉more to separate them really and get some peace😂). And they need to know you seriously expect better behaviour when out, have to develop 'the look' which they know will give severe consequences when home if they don't stop what they are doing.......if any concelation they grow out of it and become best friends, (unlike me and my brother who never had anything in common or got on) much easier having all one sex I think as they have the same interests as they get older which makes life easier💐

I don't have personal experience as a parent, but I remember being at the shops with a friend once and her kids were being sooooo disruptive. Egging each other on, skidding around the place, bumping into other shoppers, being rude to their mother etc. She handled it AMAZINGLY. We ditched the trolley and went out into the car park where she essentially told them to run the sillies out. Had them doing relays, races, playing tag etc for a few minutes. Then laid out her expectations on how the rest of the shopping trip was going to go and said that if they behaved they could have some time looking at the toy aisle before we left. Not even buying anything, just looking!!

Honestly to me that day she was something of a goddess.

@Beansandneedles this is great, the kind of parent I aspire to be!! My kids are just like that too.

Thanks @Mossstitch Its nice to know I'm not alone. This is generally how I handle most of it, it's just such a shame. I especially hate ending the day on a 'just get into bed now, I've had enough of the nonsense!'. But separation is one of the only ways to stop it.