Biting, pushing, shoving

[Sweetischocolate]

On a weekly basis my DSs pre school is telling me about some sort of aggressive behaviour our 3 YO is engaging in. I'm really unsure of how to tackle this. He is an only child so we don't see much of this at home but when he is challenging or not doing as he is told, I get him to look at me and firmly tell him that he mustn't behave this way. He often smiles or starts reciting something from a TV programme or book completely off topic in response. DH keeps suggesting things like a naughty step/time out but this doesn't sit right with me.

Really open to ideas on how to get through this and show him that this behaviour is not acceptable.

So you tell him off, he takes no notice at all and smiles. He's not getting any consequences for his bad behaviour then. Why don't you like the idea of a naughty step? SuperNanny Jo Frost recommends it (I believe 1 minute for each year of the child's age, so 3 minutes in the case of your son).

What would you do OP if you witnessed him biting another child ?

I'm not sure whether he has the capacity to understand this. I'm not sure he'd get that the time out would be a consequence of his bad behaviour though I'm open to ideas that have worked for others.

I'd be mortified. In the moment I'd probably get very cross and shout at him that he mustn't do this.

If He’s 3 he’s old enough to get it. He’s already playing you with the smiling and reciting.

He's 3, so he understands when it's bedtime, time to get dressed, when to go to the toilet, and many other things. Why on Earth wouldn't he understand that when he's naughty, he needs to sit on a step for a VERY short time?

Perhaps you believe in "gentle parenting"?

I think this is him wanting to avoid talking about it. It's like I think he's got it but then a few days later he's at it again like he's completely forgotten.

When he's being told again and again not to do these things, I'm just concluding that he's not understanding. Would you say that if he bit someone at pre school today for instance, I should say once we're home something like 'i am not happy with your behaviour, we do not bite or hurt anyone. Now sit on the naughty step'? It's not something that comes naturally to me which is why I'm asking for help.

I think I'm just a gentle person. My DH is a bit more prone to getting angry and I'm hopeful by DS learns to deal with his frustration more calmly - not to say my method is currently working particularly well.

Removing him to time out doesn’t sit right with you but shouting at him is ok?

Have another think. If you physically remove him from the situation as soon as he’s done something he needs to learn not to, then he’s getting the message that it is unacceptable and won’t be allowed. He might not get it the first time, but unless he has a learning issue then he will get it soon enough.

It's not so much that shouting is ok, I just think this is most likely my reaction when really pushed. It's certainly not my ideal response. Happy to try and repeat a time out technique if others have had success with this.

Time out for things at nursery won’t work. They need to deal with the immediate consequences there. But if there are no consequences for poor behaviour at home it isn’t surprising if he thinks the same applies at nursery.

You need to ask them what they do when he is hits/bites/punches there.

Ok so his favourite thing to do in the evening is watch tv. We have explained that because of his behaviour today, he won't be watching telly tonight. He cried about this for about a minute and then said he'd like to have a cuddle. We have a cuddle then got some books out for us to read. If he's making his peace with this punishment, then will it really be doing the trick?

They seem to do a lot of saying 'safe hands!' I definitely need to ask what else they are doing.

Well you want him to learn that actions have consequences. When he makes a poor choice atm, does he experience a consequence? That doesn’t have to be time out - personally I think natural consequences are more effective so linked to the particular behaviour wherever possible.

There are social stories (books) to support behaviour - we had ‘teeth are not for biting’ when one of mine went through a phase (younger than 3).

Also how much opportunity is he getting to interact with other children apart from at preschool? I’d look at building more practice of this into his daily routine as of course as an only child he doesn’t have the daily challenge of sharing etc like those with siblings do.

Also perhaps ask them to do some ABCC observations to see if they can identify triggers. That will help you all understand what the behaviour is seeking and put more in place to prevent it in future.

Sometimes the consequence at home is he upsets me which I tell him but I'm not sure if this is enough.

The books idea is great, thank you. He's only really just grasped potty training lately and I think books helped a lot.

He doesn't interact with any other children. Me and DH work full time so we only have weekends together. Sometimes we'll take him to soft play but he usually shys away from other children.

The pre school used to do ABC. It seemed to fall by the wayside a while back when the challenging behaviours stopped but they may decide to pick this back up.

Yes that’s not really an appropriate consequence for a 3 yo.

It would be more like - because this took too long (because you didn’t follow the instructions), there isn’t time for x. Or because you made that mess, you need to tidy it away and we can’t do y until you do. Or because you hurt someone you need to sit quietly for a minute and calm down (& also to think about how you apologise to them). Or because you aren’t using that toy safely, it has to go away until tomorrow. That type of thing.

You don’t do anything about what happened at preschool. He’s only 3. He won’t have a clue why you’re punishing him for something that happened hours earlier. I absolutely believe in appropriate punishments and have nothing against a time out but for a 3YO it needs to be immediate.

Social stories about playing nicely are good- if you ask preschool they can probably recommend some. He also probably needs more socialisation with peers in order to ‘get it’. How often is he at preschool? On none preschool days is doing playdates, classes and playgrounds? I know you say you work FT but if it’s something like 2 days preschool and 3 days at home with Granny I
might rethink that. If he’s FT at preschool then don’t worry, he will get it and whilst they obviously have to tell you about any incidents, it’s up to them to deal with what happens there. And when do do soft play, keep a very close eye and take him home for any bad behaviour.

I like the idea about not being time for something due to x behaviour and will try to do this. Hes actually pretty compliant (tends to kick off about something for a minute and will then just accept whatever). In this way, it's weirdly tricky to demonstrate consequences as he generally makes peace with them.

3.5 days at pre school. 1.5 days with grandparents. He behaves extremely well with the grandparents but is starting to push boundaries. I know I've mentioned already but what's weird is that he is very compliant. He'll kick off a bit, then do as he's told. He does then unfortunately repeat the bad behaviour later however. I'm not really sure how I can get him to interact with peers. There doesn't seem to be much opportunity for this at the weekend and whenever presented with it, he just runs away and keeps himself to himself.

Edit - Sorry @InTheRainOnATrain forgot to quote you.

Also… Do you give lots of praise when he does play nicely? Unless you’re away I’d try to get out to a playground or soft play once every weekend then tell him how good he is for playing nicely, taking turns on the slide etc. Would GPs take him to a class or activity on their full day? Maybe something like toddler football that’s supposed to be a bit collaborative.

Another thing- how is his speech and understanding? Do you feel he can hear well? Physical lashing out can often be a frustration at not being able to express feelings or not understanding.

Op, didn’t want to read and run and I haven’t read the whole thread, but how is the pre school dealing with the behaviour? As you say you don’t see it at home, how they are dealing with it is very important. They should be focusing on the child that has been pushed ect more than your child and making a fuss of them so your child dosent do it for attention, good or bad. If they are doing this, the behaviour in theory should stop. Obviously it’s not always that straight forward, but you punishing him at home for something that happened away from you earlier in the day I agree is not at all ideal. Consequences need to be at the time of the crime to be most effective really! I agree there should be lots of praise when he plays nicely, again though something that you can’t do if you are not there.

Yes I should have said, we really do pile on the praise for good behaviour - we've actually had to scale back on this a bit as I think he finds the attention overwhelming. Speech and hearing is ok. My feeling is it's not where it should be but nobody else feels this way. Really would love GPs to take him to classes but can't see it. My mum won't even take him out of the house.