Bedroom issue and squabbling sisters

[Needaspa]

My girls are 10 and 6 and constantly squabbling in the mornings at weekends about the younger one being in the older one's bedroom. My 10 year old always gets quite fired up and angry about the situation, the 6 year old ends up crying and I've had enough.

The 10 year old is in the biggest bedroom in the house as it's an awkward shape which wouldn't easily take two wardrobes so me and her dad had the smaller of the bigger rooms which is more square. Therefore the bigger toys such as the ridiculously large barbie dream house is in her room. The other two bedrooms are small, but not tiny. My second daughter has everything she needs in her room- midsleeper, wardrobe, drawers and toy box with more toys underneath the midsleeper but no large toys.

Both girls love their barbies. The younger one just wants to be with the older one all the time and the older one just constantly wants to be left alone as she's definitely hormonal. The older one is now saying that the younger daughter can't play in her room in the mornings. Even though she has all the best toys. The room is even split into her area and the "play area" with a door inbetween each area on one side of the wall so it's clearly marked however my eldest daughter now has an issue with my younger daughter being noisy on the play room side each morning as she likes to read in the quiet. I suspect she potentially has some sort of neurodiversity too.

The fourth bedroom is an office which I use most days for work, it also has a single bed and wardrobe in there aswell as a large desk so there is no room to put the larger toys in there either.

I am tired of waking up to screaming and shouting at weekends. I've tried convincing my younger daughter to come into me and watch TV when she first wakes up but all she wants to do is play barbies with the bigger toys in her sister's room. I've now suggested moving my older daughter into the office and having her large room as a playroom/my office to make it equal but my older daughter point blank refuses because she couldn't have a double bed anymore. She also had her room decorated only 9 months ago for her birthday and loves it in there.

What is the solution here? I'm guessing that my older daughter is going to get more grumpy now and eventually won't want to play with her sister. My younger daughter won't play on her own and wants my older daughter to play with her all the time. Does anyone have any solutions? To add, the large barbie toys mostly belong to my older daughter too so it's not easy for me to take them away and put them somewhere else for my younger daughter.

I'd just like a peaceful weekend morning😩

Does anyone have a solution?

Same, I don't get the hierarchy thing to be practical needs wins

I'm assuming the posters suggesting a second Barbie dream house don't know how big they are! We have a large house and a large bedroom each for our children and even then it's still a pain in the neck to accommodate even one of the plastic monstrosities.

I feel sorry for your six year old in this, she absolutely shouldn't be going in to her sisters room but it sounds like the eldest has the best room, the best toys and is allowed to dictate how the rest of the family live.

THE BIGGER TOYS BELONG TO THE 10 YEAR OLD!

Ffs can posters not read, of course the 10 year old can dictate what happens to the bigger toys if they belong to them, I’m assuming they were their birthday or Christmas presents and the 6 year old will have got their own gifts of an equal value.

Imagine the 10 year old only chose ONE main present for their birthday but the 6 year old opted for SEVERAL smaller birthday presents instead, do posters really think it’s fair to then take away the 10 year olds own personal property just so the 6 year old can then play with it? Honestly how bloody dare you even suggest that.

Any toys that are meant for sharing should have been given as JOINT gifts, not individual ones that can be taken away so their siblings can play with at their own leisure. The 10 year is doing nothing wrong here because they are sharing with their sibling but as it’s their own toy, they can decide when and how that happens - that doesn’t mean they’re dictating family life ffs. This is something that needs to be dealt with because as children get older, it’s perfectly normal to be getting fewer but more expensive gifts rather than several smaller cheaper ones which invariably leads to the older kids having “better” (but less) stuff.

OP, I’m not sure why you’re putting all the blame on the 10 year old by blaming hormones & not parenting your 6 year old. Of course the 6 year old can wake up at 7.30am if they want but you can have a rule about no playroom until 9.00 - 9:30am; if your 6 year old can’t amuse themselves with other small toys in their own room / living room for 1.5-2hrs then that’s a problem you need to fix.

I imagine the reason you’re trying to tackle the 10 year old rather than the 6 year old is because you know they’re the path of least resistance i.e. you’d rather deal with a silently sulking 10 year old, than a crying 6 year old having a tantrum.

You need to start teaching the 6 year old boundaries, not only about the toys and personal space but about autonomy too. If they’re constantly following your 10 year old around and won’t leave them alone or respect their need for privacy then that’s another huge problem; it’s also extremely harmful to the 10 year old as you’re conditioning them to be a people pleaser and teaching them that their feelings don’t matter which will be disastrous for adult relationships.

If left unchecked, it’s shit like this in childhood that condition some people to grow up as doormats for a quieter life and others who grow up as brats who want everything their own way.

Why don't you swap bedrooms around and give the younger one the bedroom with the toys, then 10 year old can go in when she wants and younger one can play with them?

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth
No, it doesn't work like that.
It's more likely that, for example older DD got the barbie dream house as a 6th birthday present, when the younger one was only 2 or so.

Now the younger one is 6 but won't be getting a barbie dream house for her birthday as there is already one in the house and they are huge.

This wouldn't matter if older one had grown out of it or was prepared to share. Instead, younger siblings who is now at absolutely peak age of wanting to play with this toy, can see the toy, cannot have her own version of said toy, but isn't being allowed to play with the toy. That is cruel.

Yes in future large items should be shared (for example, we bought a switch for our boys that was deliberately bought at Christmas for everyone, to avoid any possessiveness). But that isn't the case where an older child with a bigger age gap has already had the big ticket items and now the younger child can neither be gifted the same item themself, nor play with the item in the way the older one did.

OP I would just lay down the law, to both of them. The barbie house goes in a shared space, AND the younger child stays out of the older one's room unless invited in.

In a similar size house, DDs had the smaller bedrooms and the other big one was playroom/office/guest bedroom.

What does the older DD have the larger room and biggest, best toys? Does DD2 have anything the older DD likes?

This was a similar scenario to me as a child, with the exact same age gap between myself and my younger sister.

Don’t force the older one to play with the younger one and share everything. It was the start of a rift between us.

Whatever you do the arguing has to stop, how do you punish your children?

I think the older child needs to compromise . She can’t have everything her own way.

However it’s completely unreasonable for her to be woken by noisy playing at 7:30 next to her. 9 would be more reasonable. The younger one can do something else when she first gets up - play in her room or watch TV.
Younger can play in the playroom later whilst older one wears headphones.

To be fair, we don’t know how it came about as OP hasn’t said - it could be either scenario.

Even if it is as you say, you need to read the OP again as it seems the 10 year old is prepared to share and the 6 year old is ALLOWED to play with it, the 10 year old is just asking asking that they not do so loudly at 7:30am in the morning as it’s disturbing them; this is not unreasonable! Expecting the 6 year old to wait until 9:00-9:30am to play with a particular toy is hardly being cruel ffs.

I am the oldest of several siblings with an age gap and there were many times I had to play quietly or avoid playing with noisier toys for an hour or two in order to not disturb a sibling just as they were expected to show me and the rest of the house the same curtesy when they were old enough to understand, that’s just part of normal family life.

And make sure you tell 10yo to be thoughtful in what gifts she asks for, as nothing is really hers and if 6yo wants it, if she doesn't share suitably she'll get it taken off her.

Your older child shouldn't have to share her toys, that doesn't seem fair on either Unless they are jointly owned toys then she has a right to say no and to stop her sister coming in her room.

Sorry, half typed.

I do think the 10 yo could be part of the solution though because something needs to change.

I feel sorry for both of them.

I've now suggested moving my older daughter into the office and having her large room as a playroom/my office to make it equal but my older daughter point blank refuses because she couldn't have a double bed anymore.

10 year olds don’t get to point blank refuse things like that. Who has what bedroom is an adult decision.

However there are two separate issue at hand here - the bedrooms and the toys.

Toys that belong to one or other need to be respected as theirs - they shouldn’t have to share absolutely everything. That does mean that you might have to double up on some things. Just make sure that your elder daughter has to respect her sisters toys as well.

I’d move everyone round. Have the big room as a toy room and office with both of their toys. Special toys not to be touched in their own rooms.

Surely this won't be an issue for much longer with the older dd being 10. She's going to want those Barbies out of her room anytime now.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose that's so unfair! Why should either child have to consider their sibling in what toys they ask for.

They could be told that big items like Barbie houses and games consoles are joint presents but otherwise, that's awful.

But she won't understand that she has the better deal having the bigger room and bigger better toys and is now reluctant to share anything with her sister.

You say this like it's somehow her fault that she has the bigger better toys

I think what's happened is quite unfair on both children, the older one being expected to constantly share her toys (and being called hormonal when she doesn't want to wake up at 7:30 to share them ffs 🙄) and your youngest daughter for having to rely on her sister to share the "bigger better toys" because she doesn't get her own bigger better toys

Meanwhile you want to resolve this because you don't want to be woken up early in the morning but you aren't blaming this on you being hormonal...

Firstly, I'm wih the PP that says all toys are for sharing, children have shared toys for millennia with no ill effects. In reality this is probably a very short term issue because the eldest won't be interested in playing with the toys for much longer, I reckon you've got a year at most. But you are the adult and what you suggested in your OP is the best option, both girls get one of the smaller rooms, the office is moved to the bigger room and all the toys are kept there as a playroom. A 10 yo does not need a double bed (and if your DH sleeps in the office isn't he in more need of a double bed, same with any guests) and you can let her choose the decoration of the new room.

Your 10 year old sounds like they are looking to set boundaries and have a little independence. Maybe they would benefit from swapping rooms? In my house youngest always gets the biggest room because of the large toys etc.

Obviously I was being facetious as some seem to think she should absolutely be handing over all her things!

Oh sorry! Went right

7.30am is too early. Your older daughter deserves some time to herself. The six year old is old enough to understand boundaries and you need to be setting them. The older one won't want to play with the toys herself much longer. I think you are being really unkind to your older daughter. Try to remember how you felt at 10 but I suspect you didn't have to share a bedroom with anyone, as demonstrated by your inability to see your older child's point of view or her needs now she is older.

... went right over my head. 😄

The girls swap bedrooms?

I'd say either the ten year old goes into the office as her bedroom and you create and office/playroom, or the dream house goes on the landing/downstairs so the 6 year old can play in the mornings. 10 year old has to be reasonable and if she's happy to share it in general then it needs to be accessible. Then it becomes what does she want more, the dream house or the double bed?