Does anyone with two kids and a large age gap wish they had not had the second?

[funkmonke]

Basically those who have two children only (same parents) who have an older kid or 8 year plus and then went onto have a second,…. if you had your time again, would have not had the second?

Honest and all experiences appreciated 🙏💛 Thank you.

I think going in 'prepared' can ensure no regrets. In some ways 7+ gaps is like having 2 'onlies' - you have to be ready to go through it all - sleepless nights/nappies/teething/nursery etc. just as you've started to forget all about it. Both kids have different interests, different school stages and needs. You have have to keep your eyes on both. I'm looking at uni for one while doing 11+ for the other. It does stretch you. But it also helped me keep my career on as I was able to get back to work properly before taking a second break.
The fact that they have a sibling for life is more precious than all the above inconveniences for me. No regrets here.

9 year age gap, two fathers, second child’s dad and I split when he was 2.

I thought I was creating a functional, loving family unit for both children to grow up in, with the bonus of my wonderful eldest having a lovely younger sibling and the youngest having a wonderful big sibling.

If the relationship had survived and been as I had hoped perhaps it would have worked out that way, with just the usual hurdles of logistics etc. It still would have been tiring and full on, but I think copable with.

As things turned out I’m a shadow of my former self, I love them both of course, but trying to give to both in our current circumstances is killing me (no exaggeration). The youngest has some SEN and is very full on, I have barely had a full night’s sleep in 4 years. The relationship break up decimated me and my ex is abusive and very difficult to deal with (obviously I did not realise this when I got pregnant - planned - 4 years in), so he continues to wear me down. The eldest and I have lost the close relationship we once had, the only way to give the eldest what they need is to outsource as much as possible (time with their dad, time hanging out at friend’s houses etc etc). I can’t even imagine enjoying spending time with them anymore. All I do is work, housework, childcare and worry about money. I am short tempered, stressed out and have nothing left to give.

So I would say if you have a lot of financial security and relationship security then I imagine it would be tiring but have plenty of benefits. If either of those are shaky there’s no WAY I would do it, knowing what I know now.

I have a big age gap with my sibling, who I love, so I don’t think it’s a problem necessarily for the children - but we shared the same father and were always a single family unit. It does depend a bit what your eldest is like too and how well you think they’d cope.

Circumstances aside, I hadn’t really factored in that I would have a full on teen, child starting reception and the perimenopause to deal with all at the same time a few years post birth. There’s a LOT of hormones in my house.

If you have a lot of support that’s one thing. If not… think very carefully

My Dd (10) has said in no uncertain terms that she would be devastated if we had another. Having asked for a sibling between the ages of about 6-9, she is now very sure that she doesn’t any more and that we missed our chance when she was younger. That makes me really sad.

What’s her reasoning?

@BeingATwatItsABingThing less time with her as she is going through puberty (she says that’s when she’ll need me the most), babies are annoying and I won’t give her so much attention, we won’t be able to go on holiday in the same way for a while and do spontaneous trips, the baby will have a tiny bedroom, and probably deep down I think she is worried it means we will love her less…
Some of these things may be the case but I’ve reassured her about love etc not changing. Still, I feel like the impact on her really could be more negative than positive for a good while.

Oh bless her. My 10yo got so excited at the thought of another sibling when we told her. She actually squealed with excitement. Our 3yo got so excited too and already dotes on her baby brother and he’s not born yet.

Op are you considering this or have you done it already?

9 ish year age gap. Baby is still an under 1.

So far I love it. Seeing the eldest interact and making memories, being able to talk about the babies development and being excited about things like weaning, crawling and babbling is amazingly sweet.

There have been times when both kids both urgently Need you. The eldest is able to wait and be articulate about how they're feeling. And, is reasonable. It makes it very manageable.

It's been much easier second time around even with school runs and life with an older child. You know what to expect and that a sleep regression is just a stage and you will get through it for example. Just in a much better place mentally.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing aw that’s so sweet that your 10 year old reacted like that… I guess as my DD is an only it would be quite a big shift. I wish she wanted a sibling as myself and DH both keen but this is making me think we shouldn’t. I don’t want to do anything that negatively impacts our relationship.

I have two with an 8 year gap. Boy then girl. I don't regret it. It's been fine! I always feel that I'd struggle with 2+ under 5 for example although it's nicer for them to play together. I am only feeling the age gap moreso because the eldest is 14 and therefore isn't interested in alot of family activities we could all do together even with the 8 year gap. I'd say 13 is like the last year for theme parks that are smaller child friendly and just in general he is no longer interested in going to watch certain movies or doing certain activities outside of meals out lol. But other than that, no issues no regrets. It was better for my body and health too. It's also lovely to see the older child have an understanding and want for the younger sibling, and they still did play together, and go in the garden together. Now they play Roblox together and things of that nature 🤣

13 year gap here. It's been very hard as I became a lone parent early on and my son is ND. However, no regrets at all. The world would be a worse place without him in it.

9 year age gap here. They love each other so much. Don't regret it for a second. Just feel a lot older and more tired second time around lol.