I think there might be something wrong with my child.

[Brunette1901]

DD is 3, will be 4 in June, and she's honestly mental. I keep thinking to myself "oh she's just spoilt, I've spoilt her" but I honestly don't think that is the case anymore. Nursery are struggling with her. They tell me every time she goes in that they've had a bad day and it's not surprising because she's is honestly feral.

She never sits still, when she does she goes off in a trance or is hyper focused on her iPad/TV. She goes what I can only describe as "loopy" ? Like she's been pumped full of drugs and is running around the house going mental. Nothing can stop her. She'll do 1 thing, by the time you've even registered what she's just done she's done another 3 things. For example, she'll throw a bunch of toys at you and by the time you opened your mouth to say "What was that for?" she's grabbed a mop running around the house swinging it about like no man's business, dropped the mop and is then jumping on the dining room table shouting every single word she can think of on the top of her lung. And it's like that, non stop until bed time and bed time is a real power struggle.

When she was a baby, literally newborn to 6 months old, if you held her she would scream and scream and scream until you put her down again. She didn't want to be held. Then she turned 6 months old and could start exploring food - nope. That girl HATES food. If she got food on her hands she would freak out. You could see the panic in that little tiny human's eyes if she had bread crumbs on her fingers or the like. Then when she turned 1, she made herself sick a million times a day. She's a covid baby (literally was born a couple of months after the first ever lockdown) so seeing a health visitor was impossible. I got a video call from them once (When they remembered she existed 1.5 years later) and all they wanted me to do was walk around my house and show them said house. Not really listen to my concerns. So I put it down as a baby thing that she would grow out of.

While she grew out of the touching food issue, she never grew out of her pickiness. She will only eat "safe" foods, and there's maybe 10 or so things on that list. She also grew out of being sick - thank god! But sleep... she's never been a good sleeper. I don't really remember her being 2 because I was so sleep deprived. I think I remember it being the longest time of my life, she felt like she was 2 forever, but I don't really remember it. Now she's 3, she will stay in her bedroom but it'll take her hours to get to sleep and then she will usually wake up in the middle of the night and laugh like a crazy person for hours and hours until she's so exhausted she passes out and then I can't wake her up for love nor money.

She's a lovely girl. I used to get told from nursery (so goes 3 days a week) that she's been so attentive, so helpful, she's cleaned up, done what they ask, kissed and hugged all the children that has fallen over.... but since Christmas, she's gone WILD. They constantly tell me she's not listening, ever. She never wants to join in with story time or circle time. They had to take her shoes off of her the other day because she wanted to kick furniture simply because it was funny and no amount of reasoning or time out would make her stop.

I really just don't know what to do with her. It's like she's getting worse. She goes to bed at 7, but stays awake in her room till midnight. She's playing with her poo all the time. It's a whole thing.

When we go outside, she does listen to me, she's finally learnt not to run away and stay close, but she will just do her own thing. If you're not watching her suddenly she's climbing fences and talking to strangers. She hates the pram, but again I blame Covid for that. We never went out until she was about 1.5/2 except for the occasional walk (I have OCD so it was a hard time for me) and by the time everything started opening up again, well, she'd look at that pram, look at me, and just think I was crazy. It was never going to happen. She also developed a fear of shops and restaurants for the longest time. Would have the biggest panic attack at the door of a shop but she's thankfully started to outgrow that.

I think she's spoilt maybe? I don't know. I find myself either shouting or bribing, and it's constant. I try to limit screen time, not that she would watch it any way, but when I desperately need her to be quiet (she has a younger brother so I need my break and need a chance to spend time with him too) I will give it to her. No more than an hour a day I would say in total. But because she doesn't eat, and we've been to a paediatrician before who says they're not concerned, I just give in to her now. I offer her the nutritional breakfast, which she doesn't eat, and then a little while later she comes looking for the crackers or the chocolates or the fruit roll ups that she likes. It's really frustrating and if I don't give her the food she will start screaming, shouting, having massive tantrums etc. She'll walk away and say "ah-hah!" when she's thought of something really naughty to do like hit her brother or break something etc.

She's also always bored. That's her excuse for everything. "Why did you draw on the walls?" "I was bored. I was bored. It's so boring down here." And you're like.... we were literally just playing with the magnetic tiles? I turned my back for a second to deal with your brother and suddenly there's pen marks all over the walls? It's that sort of thing.

I think my biggest problem is this wild behaviour. I can't cope with it. Every single day it's getting worse and worse and worse. I'm trying to be consistent with the way I tell her off but it's not getting through to her. She's literally getting uncontrollable that I might need to change tactics, ignoring her maybe? I don't know. I've never been a parent before and don't know any one who is.

She's got the HV coming next week. It's been a month since I've been waiting for this appointment. I know she can't give me an overnight fix but boy, I'm so looking forward to it. I just want someone to tell me that this is typical toddler behaviour or perhaps something is amiss and give me guidance on how to deal with it because I don't think I can cope for much longer.

You are right. There is something amiss.
Make sure she is checked for really regular things like hearing and eyesight and also maybe allergies.
The HV will have some pointers, hopefully.

Only a parent here, no expert, but what could have changed in the last few months since she was attentive in child care?
Is she reacting due to becoming an older sibling?

She sounds like she might be neurodiverse. ASD and ADHD maybe? Have nursery suggested anything? It’s too soon to be diagnosed, but it could be that she’s showing early signs of it.

Autism? ADHD? You need to see a GP and get a referral to paediatrics.

1. Pack in the screen time completely. 100% no screens all day every day
2. Get her outside to the play parks to run around and climb, play games with other children. If it's raining, soft play or make a bed/sofa fort. Every day!
3. No boring activities (long walks, cafes etc).

Give it 2 weeks you'll have a new child

Adhd or autism very likely. Sounds very like hyperactive Adhd.

That sounds like ASD/ADHD if she hyperfocuses on screens and can't sit still and runs around a lot. The food thing too is often an issue for neurodiverse children. I would get a referral for an assessment after doing some research yourself as all ASD manifests differently especially in girls.

I agree with this especially no screen time and lots of fresh air . Can't guarantee a new child but it's a starting point.

Likely Autism or ADHD or maybe both. Sensory issues to by the sounds of it.

I would suggest asking for an neurodiversity assessment and stopping all screens / devices while you wait.

I don’t think you’ll have a new child, it sounds like there’s neurodiversity that needs to be assessed, so get onto that asap.

But I do agree that tiring her out as much as humanly possible will help manage her, starting as early as possible in the day.

Okay I'll try the no screens thing and going to the park. We go once a week but only when I have someone else with me. DS is 2 so not much younger but it's hard trying to get her to leave the park when I have him.

I'll call the gp this morning and get something booked in.

It's not too soon to be diagnosed but it takes time. You can diagnosed with autism at 2. My son had just turned 6 when diagnosed with adhd but he'd already been diagnosed with autism.

You need to start writing everything down and video her if safe and possible. I know she doesn't eat much but write it all down. Even down to her bowel movements. We never had to do this but on speaking to a friend recently camhs asked her to and this would of saved her so much for her daughter to be diagnosed.

Try to get a routine and stick to it as boring as it maybe. Up at xxx, go downstairs, breakfast, upstairs to wash and do teeth, go to bedroom to get dressed (have clothes ready) you get the picture. Even down tonplaying with toys, we use to have big tubs of toys so in morning it was blue tubs, in afternoon red tubs. We did have alternative but this worked best for us. My other children played with whatever they wanted but this system worked best for my son.
Playing with her faeces is also a sense issue so speak to hv and doctors. Ask nursery to keep a book/log of her behaviour.
Good luck with whatever it is and although you will get their remember she's still your little girl. Even if she appears to outgrow thing before you get to see a specialist, you must still go.

How old is her brother? Did her behaviour change when he was born? How does she feel about her brother?

What changed at Xmas? Staffing? dynamics? Routines?

Do you socialise? Do you see family or friends? Are you getting support? Does she interact with others outside of nursery?

Some of these behaviours sound ADHD or autistic or ocd traits. Look at the national autistic society website as a starting point.

My kids were wild and active but she sounds a whole other level.

It may be ND or something, made worse by an environment that is not letting her be as active as she needs. I stopped taking mine to any ‘sit down and listen’ toddler activities as they just wouldn’t sit. Luckily their nursery had a high value of free active play and a lot of space so they could be active all day there.

I do think things you have described, like waking at night and laughing for hours, are not typical though. I hope the HV can advise.

So at the moment what exercise/fresh air does she get ? Kids are like puppies ,they need a lot of walking!

I would be wary of stopping the screens if that is the only thing which calms her. My DGD who is 5 now and ASD/ADHD. She is not as manic as your DD sounds but she is constantly active. She can now articulate and says the screens stop her brain being fizzy when the thoughts are constantly whizzing round in her head not allowing her respite.

Getting your DD out to a park everyday though is a good idea. My DGD has an indoor trampoline and sometimes that helps. The thing is to be calm above all and decide what behaviour you will accept and which not. The drawing on walls sounds like attention seeking. How old is your son?

Sounds like DS1 who was very difficult at that age. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.
The things that hugely have helped him:

1. Almost no screens. They make his behaviour much worse and also are like a drug and he wants more and more. To the point that I could easily see using them as his hyper focus despite it actually affecting when stop using them. Lots of people will say screens help but we learnt the long hard way that they only help in the moment.
2. Lots and lots of exercise. At that age we went to the park every single day, played football/catch/made dens etc

Or went to the woods, drove to hills/beaches etc. outdoors at least 3 hours a day (longer if possible).

1. Got a trampoline and got him to bounce 100 times a day (he loved it)

4.he was a biter and hitter. Entirely for attention and reaction..so tried very hard to give him none. Praise the good ignore the bad.

1. Food is hard. Just be very low key and probably she will only eat a few things. Accept that as the more you worry the worse it will be.
2. Get a diagnosis.
3. Remember two things a) it's not her fault. B) it doesn't define her. There are other bits to her that make her her.

also do lots of outdoor play daily do she can expel energy. So walks, park, picnic, duck feeding, gardening, trampolining, woodlands daily.

any indoor physical activities too - swimming, soft play, crafts, arts, baking

If she is ND physical activity can help centre

Some things that helped us-

Structure. Set a routine and stick to it- not in a getting cross and making her do things way, just in a predictable way. DC like this scotch any natural routine developing so you need to be more attentive yourself.
Pick a wake up time. Take her a cup of warm milk and a savoury biscuit or bread and butter or something. Have a chat while she has it.
wash and dress.
leave the house and go where she can burn off energy.
Home for lunch. etc.

Screens. They can be great for calming. Have a set thing- an after school film or similar.
once mine knew the pattern of when he wold get his screen time, he settled much better.

Transitions- moving from one thing to another. Make sure she knows in plenty of time what is next. Sweeten the change with something- make the meals her favourite things for a while. Make the activity you are changing to something she wants to do.

Calm time. She sounds madly over stimulated. Try and build in some calm time- bubbles, cuddles, sucking or chewing a toy, swaddling her. Something to contain and calm her. Maybe pretend play ‘when you were a baby we used to wrap you up like this, rock you like this, pat you on the back like this’.

Audio books at bedtime or just playing all night quietly in her room.

If you can take a week or two where you consciously prioritise calming her down, establishing her routine etc, you’ll be able to relax a bit when she settles. It’s intense.

Good luck! It’s exhausting!

Also, where I live there is an outdoor walking group for families that seems to attract a number of families with kids with ND/ other issues. I presume because their kids thrive better in that sort of environment. Maybe you could see if there is something like that near you?

She definitely sounds hyperactive and lots of indicators for autism / adhd there. Please try not to see it as ‘something wrong with her’ or ‘there’s something amiss’ as a pp said. She has a different kind of brain and needs things to work differently.

The level of hyperactivity sounds very difficult to manage. She may need medication once diagnosed. But meanwhile, think sensory, and reduce her overwhelm. You might need to rethink expectations and just not do sitting in a cafe, etc. Physical exercise is likely to help the hyperactivity - are there any safe spaces you can let her run wild?

My wild child has grown into a very steady young man with a good job. He just found the world wildly overstimulating and hard to understand.

His language was slightly off- he appeared very articulate, but was very literal so lots of language made no sense to him. He actually heard very scary threatening things. Being grounded for naughty behaviour- buried alive in the back garden. Run/running around- literally making circles as you run. ‘Right, that’s it, I’ve had enough!’- could mean he was going to be got rid of- given away.

It was so upsetting when we realised what he had been living with. I’d never really spelled out that we love him, would never hurt him, would stand between him and any danger etc. I’d been too busy trying to stop him running into traffic, lopping off body parts etc. Wild child.

I thought this would be like my ds when you started your post - he's extremely active - but this is something else. I say that because I had ds assessed aged 4 (he's 5 now) over adhd concerns (they say he's just extremely active and extremely intelligent and underchallenged).

The things you've listed scream neurodiversity. I too wouldn't ditch the screens in the short term if it calms her. I have zero experience in a ND child, but with the wall drawing/boredom, could you turn an entire wall into a blackboard so she can go nuts on it (tin of paint and some washable chalks wont cost much)? We have wobble boards and rocker chairs and crash mats to help ds get his energy out.

Just a thought but is she reacting to something in her diet. High sugar can make some kids manic. It is interesting you say she is worse since Christmas when sweet things are more prevalent. That is obviously not the only issue though.

I would definitely say more activity if you only get out once a week for her to run around and get fresh air.

HV will advise, but by the sounds of it she needs a paeds referral.

ASD, ADHD or SPD would be my guess.