Toddler mealtime hell - how to make meal times calmer?

[Marven]

My three year old does not eat dinner. She eats other meals ok, but recently, even when dinner is something she likes, she messes around, throws food, faffs about and is generally so infuriating. Today I sent her straight to bed as she wouldn't eat. It's not sustainable. I get so cross. I'm sure it's partly to get a reaction - she has a new baby brother and I'm sure that's contributing.

What are some tips to overall make dinner less stressful?

Sticker charts, timers, bribes etc have all been tried and might work for a while, but never last. And I think they just emphasize dinner being a battle.

So how do I take all the pressure off, keep my cool and then hopefully she'll eat?

Put dinner down and keep calm,easier said than done I know. Don't make a big deal about her eating or not eating. She won't starve. This might sound daft but I read having dinner by candle light with children makes for a calmer environment .

It’s really common for small kids to not eat dinner. Don’t make a big thing of it, just continue to chat away and eat your dinner.

I used to play dance chill out music at dinner time. I don’t know if it helped the situation but I felt better.

If she's eating other meals I wouldn't push it tbh. My 2.5 year old started doing this recently - like you, it was only dinner that was refused.

Your job is to provide food: it's up to them to eat it. If they go to bed hungry, that's on them.

Happy to report that in our case it was a phase, and he got sick of being hungry and decided he DID want to have dinner. Congratulations in your new baby 💐

What time are you eating dinner? Maybe she’s just too tired to cooperate then. Maybe she’s just not hungry if she’s eating well the rest of the time. Don’t make it into a great battle, offer the food and if she won’t eat it send her off. Simple.

Move it earlier?

I found I was doing dinner for 5ish thinking that after nursery he would be more than ready for his dinner. He wasn't and would fuss and not eat much. We then changed it to eating at 6 and he will now quite often ask where his dinner is. He is 3 years and 1 month. On some nursery days we offer cereal or fruit loaf as he has a hot meal at nursery at nursey

We eat at 6, I don't know if I can do it any earlier. Definitely not if husband is going to eat with us.
I think I definitely need the channel "my job to provide dinner, hers to eat it".

Can I ask what to do about afters? So we never really have dessert, but I would usually give her some fruit and maybe some yoghurt if she wants it. She doesn't ever eat vegetables, so quite keen for her to have fruit for at least some nutrition!
I don't know if it's best to not give her any if she doesn't eat or at least participate nicely in dinner time or offer it anyway. Sometimes she is so unpleasant I just want dinner over and don't want to prolong it with fruit etc and I also worry that she'll know she can fill up on fruit instead of main.
Help!

I bet if one of them knocks the candle over and sets fire to the table it won't be a calmer environment! 😂

@sandyhappypeople 🤣

Does she have a snack in the afternoon? What does she eat through the day? My 3 year old will sometimes not particularly want dinner if they've had a snack quite late on in the afternoon, she would probably prefer to eat later instead, but obviously that messes with the bedtime routine.

The hungrier she is for meals the less faffing we get so we try and time snacks carefully past lunchtime!

Do you have hot meal dinner, cold food lunch? Is it possible to swap them if so? Cook normal hot meal and hers is heated next day maybe at lunch time? Then dinner won't feel like you've cooked something special for her to just be a pain with it, and if she's tied and cranky having some salad sticks with hummous, sandwich bites, a wrap, or toast with beans might be easier

Regards pudding, mine if he didn't eat dinner wouldn't sleep good which I found hell on earth, so whilst I wouldn't do a 'pudding' as such I'd mush fruit put it in porridge and offer that half hour before bed as it was filling, provided fruit, and allowed me sleep. I'm sure that didn't help with fixing dinner refusal earlier but I also found it hell on earth if being woken multiple times a night... we didn't give it only after non eating, we did it every day (e.g. 4pm dinner, 6.30 porridge, 7pm bed) that took the edge off for me in terms of worrying too much about the dinner plus making dinner a light easy affair rather than a cooked meal etc

@sandyhappypeople she never snacks. She never asks for food outside of mealtimes. She says she's not hungry sometimes after a shitty dinner fiasco, but I never know whether to believe her. She'd certainly eat cake at that point I bet

Has she recently stopped napping?

I serve fruit or yoghurt with dinner not as after and I do find my DD will eat that first but often goes back to the rest. My DD would absolutely fill up on milk so I try to make a rule of no milk or snacks at least 2.5hrs before dinner (easier said than done sometimes) At times she barely eats a thing and others she’ll eat loads, no rhyme or reason. I agree it’s infuriating when you’ve spent time cooking. It’s why I’ll only ever cook one meal.

My line at dinner is ‘this is what’s for dinner it’s up to you/your body how much you eat’

have a look at solid starts and also kids eat in colour (on Instagram) I really like her viewpoint for toddlers. I’m sure there’s other resources as well.

@HAF1119 we have breakfast (cereal/porridge) at 8-9ish, lunch (toast/sandwich) 12-1ish and cooked dinner 6-6.30ish.
I could try giving hers for lunch the next day, but we already mostly eat batch cooked meals from the freezer, so I'd have to think about the logistics of it.
Might be easier for me and her to have cooked lunch and DH to have his later on

I agree with switching to a hot meal at lunchtime, plus yoghurt and fruit. If she’s had that, you really don’t need to worry if she doesn’t eat much for dinner. She’s probably just knackered by that time of day. Mine has cooked lunch at nursery, plus snacks, so I usuall just offer some toast in the evening. I really don’t think punishment for not eating a meal is fair at all. Her choice if and how much she eats, give her some autonomy to decide that.

I don't see being sent to bed as a natural consequence of not eating. A toddler isn't going to connect the punishment to the failure to eat.

We 100% have not nailed this. Our DD eats mainly standing up (using a learning tower), which creates less struggle. But I think we might be making a rod for our own back for later.

You could try serving a little fruit at the beginning of the meal in case she'll have that before she gets bored of being at the table? Maybe it's not the end of the world if she's having fruit instead of her main and you'll at least get something in her.

Could she help with "cooking"? Chopping cucumber or sprinkling cheese or something? In case that sparks some more interest.

Thanks everyone. It's so bloody hard. I just wish she'd eat. And every time we have a breakthrough, it never lasts.

I'll offer fruit and yoghurt or put it out to start with.

Has anyone had any luck with "fussy plates" - like compartment plates so full of a few different things to improve eating? We use similar at nursery packed lunch, with mixed results, but hasn't thought about it for dinner too

Maybe try the cooked meals at lunch, easy meal in the eve for a week, see if it's helped, consider changing of times/other if not. There are lots of ideas here so maybe do a bit of trial and error, and it at least makes you feel like you're mixing it up a bit!

But also as long as she's eating during the day, and having less in eve isn't affecting the sleep etc, don't worry too much. Probably just a phase :)

Do yourself a favour and stop stressing about it. She’ll eat if she’s hungry. I’d give her more at lunch and an earlier, easier dinner.

My 4yr old DS rarely eats dinner. He has a huge breakfast and a decent lunch, plus snacks. He just doesn’t feel hungry at dinner time. If I tried to make him eat I’d be teaching him to overrule his natural feelings of hunger and fullness, plus set him and me up for a load of unnecessary stress.

Definitely don’t punish her for not eating.

As someone has suggested, yoghurt and fruit with her dinner might work well.

My older DD had lots of fussy eating issues and I got advice from a paediatric dietician which was helpful, might be worth doing that to reassure yourself.

ETA if she’s well, sleeping and growing/ putting on weight appropriately I wouldn’t be worried.

Give her a good balanced meal at lunch time (hot or cold) and at dinner time just let her have plain yoghurt and a banana or let her get down when she starts fussing.

Are you all sat at the table?

If you are and she is expected to eat she may find it stressful.

If so, what about feeding her on her own earlier, then letting her play while you eat, she may get curious and join you and you can give her some food.

Have just come out the other side of this with my DS. It’s very normal but frustrating. I went through a stage of using hand puppets at the table, games where him and sister had to find the food item I was naming first and eat it.. god, the list goes on. One thing I did find really effective is when he got up from the dinner table to play about, I’d very calmly move his plate back into the kitchen, when he sat down again I’d put it back. Not sure why that worked, didn’t even have to say a word, but it worked!

DD used to eat running around the bloody kitchen island at this age. Nightmare. Best advice I had was from a very wonderful, very experienced lady at the nursery who told me to ignore it, to just try to encourage DD to eat and join the dining table, but basically let it go. So I took a massive chill pill and that's what we did. It was a bit hectic and we had to have finger foods for a while, bur DD is literally the best eater ever now at 7. She's still a bit fidgety and sometimes half off her chair..!

It sounds quite late for a child her age to be having her main meal. At this stage I'd agree with others who are suggesting giving more at lunchtime. Also a new sibling is bound to be unsettling. I read so many posts on mn where parents expect an older child to suddenly be mature beyond their age just because they have a new baby as well. Your daughter had no say in the change to your family and you getting so cross with her sounds extremely harsh. She is still a young child. Stop expecting her to be perfectly behaved to make your life easier.