I think I f’d up and I’m scared.

[Scaredmummyhelp]

Two of my children were having a fight. The 10 year old was on top of my 4 year old and had hold of her face and was pushing it down, the 4 year old was screaming. I ran in and my immediate reaction was to shout stop and try to push and lift the 10 year old off. As I went to push she turns around and I hit her in the side of the face.
i feel absolutely horrendous and I am ashamed of myself for effectively hitting her. She started screaming- you hit me and locked herself in the bathroom. I was comforting the 4 year old and trying to apologise to the 10 year old. It was all so fast and then we all sat and cried, I apologised over and over, I feel like the shittest mother on the planet and I’m so scared I’m going to lose my children.
It is completely my fault for putting my hands on her, I should have dealt with the situation better and I deserve to lose the kids for what has happened.
I love them so much and I just don’t know what to do.

I turned around last week with a remote in my hand and whacked my 9 year old straight into his forehead just above his eye with my hand and the remote. Accidents happen, it’s not the same as hitting someone, and a 10 year old fighting with aka attacking a 4 year old needs and deserves to be pulled off them.

You're catastrophising.

Stop. Don't panic.

For heaven's sake. You were safeguarding your poor 4 year old. The little madam got what she was dishing out! Not your finest parenting moment but given her appalling circumstances she deserves zero sympathy.
Get rid of that iPad permanently. She is too young for it anyway. And come down hard on her for her behaviour.
You are not a bad mother. You have a badly behaved child. Some might be your doing (too soft etc), not sure, but you are not entirely to blame.

I am concerned at the level of violence the ten year old was submitting the four year old to.

That's extreme aggression.

You accidentally caught the child which is they are a physical bully to the younger child might actually give them food for thought how awful it was for them and maybe think twice before fighting with a four year old.

I would stop weeping and crying as that's really no help at all and sit down and have a proper conversation about how you were out in the post Ito on of separating them and how all of you need to move on from this upsetting incident.

Perhaps the ten year old is constantly wound up by the four year old?

Perhaps the four year old is physically assaulted a lot by the older child?

You need to tackle these issues and anything else that is causing such extreme violence in your home.

It was an accident.
Did it hurt her sufficiently to leave a mark? Is that why you are worried? If it has, tell the school the situation so that nothing can be misinterpreted.

OP we are ALL worried that we are being crap parents at some point. It's actually a really good sign that you love them enough to care.

I have had to apologise to my 8 year old for overreacting before (not physically accidentally hit him but yelled more than i should have). The most important thing is to sit her down in a quiet moment to make her look you in the eye and say that you absolutely didnt' mean to hit her and never would intentionally.

No there wasn’t a mark.
I have had a very firm conversation with her tonight about how unacceptable her behaviour was and I have removed her iPad until such at time that she is no longer having outbursts towards myself and her siblings.
she is now not talking to me, but I can live with that. I have been to a friends house today ( a parent with grown up children who is far wiser than I am) and she has said similar to you guys. I need to lay down firm but fair boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise I am just allowing them to behave this way as kids and they will become adults that still behave this way.
the GP has referred me to the mental health team to discuss my anxiety and low mood and I will self refer her to camhs this week so she can get some help with her emotions and regulation.
It’s going to be a long road but I know things need to change.

Handhold?… you need to give yourself a little slap on your face to bring you to your senses. It was an accident. Get a grip

I’m glad you have this other friend you trust and who will give you pragmatic advice. Sounds like you’ve done the right thing.

Sorry not read all the thread but do you have anxiety in general because you are not in the wrong or a bad mum

...sorry just read the above comments!

It was a challenging situation and the 10 year old needed to be physically removed from their much smaller sibling or the sibling would have come to harm. You did nothing wrong!